*Trisha*

I feel like I'm being judged.

I told Jeremy a lot during my therapy session. Things I have never told anyone. Not even Nate. Now both Jeremy and Evan know I'm a mess. A troubled woman entangled with a man who physically threatened me with a weapon, yet I still chose to return to try to help him.

How pathetic am I!

Once I let it all out, Jeremy fell silent for a few minutes. I have a feeling he's thinking less of me now.

"I'm such an idiot. I don't know why I told you this." I huff and wipe my eyes with a tissue. Jeremy grabbed the entire box to put next to me and I think I've almost emptied it within the hour.

"You're not an idiot, Trisha. You care for Dave. No matter what he does or how he hurts you, this was a man you were going to marry. Statistically, 90 percent of women who experience abuse either return to their partners or never leave the relationship at all. Even when the children are involved."

"And I'm one of them. Weak and pathetic. Having fucking nightmares over things that happened in the past."

"No, you're the exact opposite. You were strong enough to leave the relationship. End your engagement, even though you loved- as you call it- "Sober Dave", you were smart enough to know until he is completely recovered from his addiction, "Drunk Dave" lurks in the background waiting to harm you. And there is no cure for addiction, Trisha. There are treatment options to help the addict remain sober, in remission, but the brain is still wired differently than those who don't have addictive personalities. It is something an addict will be aware of and struggle with the rest of their lives."

"Yeah, well. That doesn't help me. The recipient of the fucked-up people. I don't have addiction." I see Evan out of the corner of my eye, smirking at my constant swearing.

"You don't?" Jeremy arches his eyebrows at me sarcastically, catching me off guard. I furrow mine and glare at him.

"I don't drink or do drugs." I state.

"Yet, you choose to surround yourself with people who do."

I look away.

 "You're addicted to fixing people. If you weren't you would have quit your job and distanced yourself from Nate completely. You would have ditched Dave and never look back or try to help him. When you try to fix broken people, you end up bearing the damage yourself in the process. You put your physical and mental health at risk every time you let them back in."

"If you are telling me to drop my best friend, just because he has problems then you can go-"

"I'm not saying that." Jeremy quickly cuts off my sentence. "At all, actually. I'm sure you have pulled Nate out of many sticky situations he got himself into due to his substance abuse. If he didn't have a friend like you, he would most likely still be drinking away his life. You keep him on track. You tried to be the same for Dave, pick him up, get him back on his feet, help him heal. The problem is you don't know when to quit, resulting in lines being crossed, boundaries being overstepped and jeopardizing your health and well-being. You care so much and think you can fix even those who don't put the same effort in."

"You're not really telling me what to do, here... Great- Now you know my weaknesses. Tell me how to fix them."

Jeremy exhales sharply, making it clear that whatever he is about to say next contradicts whatever he has said to Dave to assist him in getting me back, assuming that is the topic of their discussions. I have a strong suspicion they have had these conversations before.

"You walk away. Cut ties. Close the door. You can only do so much for a person. Set limits and know you have reached them and can no longer help. Then focus on yourself. You focus on addressing others' problems and trying to fix the broken as a way to avoid confronting your own problems."

Ouch. That one hurt.

Because he is right.

"Until you cut ties all together, you will never truly heal. Yes, you will have triggers and bad dreams. That is to be expected. But instead of dealing with your own issues you put all your effort into everyone else around you. Once you wipe your hands clean of Dave, you can begin to move on and heal."

I hate how good Jeremy is at his job when he's such a fuck-up himself.

***

The car ride home is a silent one. I'm mentally drained and Evan can tell. It's not until we pull into the parking garage of Nate's apartment complex does Evan break our silence.

"You ok, Miss Banks?" He scratches his perfect beard and glances my way.

"Mm-hmm."

"That was.... intense." Evan admits after hearing everything he heard in my therapy session.

"Listen, can we just keep all that between us and forget about it? I-" I shake my head feeling my tears building up. "I can't think about that stuff anymore."

"Yeah, I get it. But Ma'am, don't you-"

"Did you just 'ma-am' me again? I swear to God Scofield you have a death wish." I squint my eyes then realize he did it on purpose to get a rise out of me. Or cheer me up in his weird sadistic way.

"Hey, why don't we grab Chinese and bring to Julia's new apartment for dinner? I'm sure they haven't had time think about dinner plans with the unpacking and all."

He IS trying to get my mind off shit and cheer me up. I wipe my eyes and nod.

"Thanks Evan. You're a good one." I sigh.

"I know." He smirks.

*****

*James*

"I have a project for you." Trevor smiles over at me while walking down the hall.

"Oh, really What is it?" I ask, uncertain about the doctor's intentions and how I could contribute to any project given my coordination challenges.

"You've done a lot of studying, now I want to put what you've learned to the test."

I realize where we are going and glace at Trevor with a puzzled expression before we stop at the door.

"Jeremy said she's having a hard time today. You have built a relationship with her. Now go in there and use what you've learned to help her."

"What?" I can't help her! I don't know how-"

"But you do, James. Talk. Listen. That's all I'm asking." Trevor opens the door to Cara Hollan's room.

Like when Julia shuts down, Cara lies in bed facing the wall and shutting out the world. But unlike Julia, nothing needs to trigger Cara's bipolar. It can come out of nowhere. But I'm not good at this! I usually walk away and let someone else deal with the hard shit when it comes to Julia. This doctor can't expect me to know how to help Nate's sister.

"You're overthinking." Trevor whispers before I even say anything and pushes me into the room. He keeps the door open and sits on the chair right outside Cara's room. I look back at him while rubbing the back of my neck and he raises his eyebrows and his hand for me to begin.

I take a deep breath and pull over a chair next to Cara's bed. Ok, step 1. Be available.

"Hey, Cara."

"Go away James." God she's JUST like Julia. I glance back Trevor, and he widens his eyes signaling me to proceed.

I sigh.

"Um, the doctor said you aren't having a great day?" I bite the inside of my cheek and wait for Cara to respond.

"I'm in a fucking mental hospital; I'm allowed to have bad days. Now go." She says stubbornly to the wall.

Step 2. Relate to her. Make her feel comfortable.

"Yeah, I hear that." I let out a sigh then laugh a little. "I'm in a fucking mental hospital and I'm not even a mental case."

Trevor rolls his eyes at me. Ok, maybe don't swear next time. But Cara turns around and faces me now, cracking the door open just a little to communication.

"Yeah, you kinda got the short end of the stick when it comes to life, huh?" She wipes her eyes with a frown.

I shrug. I can't think like that. It's a rabbit hole. If I start thinking about all the bad shit and feeling sorry for myself, I'm digging myself deeper and not seeing all the blessings I DO have in my life.

"Maybe. But I'll take the short end of the stick over not having one at all. I almost lost my life so I'm grateful to even have one. So, what's got you bummed out today?" I turn the topic back to Cara.

She sits up in her bed giving me her attention now. She's a mess. Her ponytail is falling out of her hair and she's wearing some old Nate Hollan Tour shirt that looks like it could use a good washing- or burning. Avalon sweatpants that look way too big on her and the hospital grip socks they give us when we first get admitted.

"Why me?"

"Huh?" I furrow my brows.

"Why doesn't Nate have something wrong, yet I do? We're siblings."

Oh, he's got shit wrong all right.... I keep that to myself.

"Why would you think he doesn't struggle with stuff?"

Cara sniffs.

"Look at me, James! Look at my life! Now look at my brother's life! Why do I have to feel like this all the time while he gets to live a celebrity life people would die for. He can't walk outside without adoring fans coming up to him. He gets to travel around the world and show off his talent while I sit here and rot!" she throws her arms up in the air.

I frown not really knowing how to answer this. Trevor threw me in here and I'm not ready. Now I look like an idiot.

"I- I'm not sure. But you are only looking at the positives in his life and the negatives in yours, Cara." I shift in my seat a little. "The man can't catch a break. Sure, he has fans, but he also has paparazzi up his ass the minute he walks outside. He has to put on a mask and fake it when he goes out in public. He can't have a bad day without people knowing about it. Can't slip up without it ending up on the news. The pressure he is under is pretty big. One I can't handle. Management telling him what to say, what to wear, how to act... who to date, PR stunts, and, I have a feeling Nate doesn't have any REAL friends outside of this small group. He will never know if someone is being friends with him to get to his money or if they are genuine. Same goes for relationships. Could you imagine someone pretending they loved you just for your money?"

Cara listens intently.

"Aside from all that, the man can't eat a McDonald's cheeseburger without worrying about dropping from a heart attack. Don't be jealous of your brother, Cara. He doesn't have it made like everyone thinks."

****

"You did good back there." Dr. Tremont escorts me back to Julia's brand-new much larger apartment.

"You think so?" I ask.

"Yeah, next time don't drop the F-bomb and try to keep the conversation on her and her struggles a little more and less talking about another person in comparison. But other than that- a little more training and you could be a mentor here. You have a gift, James. I know you think you can't handle Julia. To be honest, I don't know many who can. But once you get experience under your belt maybe things will be easier for you. You're already on your way."

"You're trying to prep me for when Nate leaves, aren't you? You think Julia is going to flip out." I say quietly as we pass by a few patients walking with their nurses. "I can't help her."

"I do." Dr. Tremont admits. "Julia is going to have a really hard time adjusting. It sounds like Nate is the one who handles all that?" He asks when he already knows the answer. 

"You have seen me remove myself from stressful situations but I'm doing it because I NEED to do it. For my own health. I know how much I can handle and my limits. I'm not going to sacrifice my health when someone else can deal with the stressful shit." I explain and Trevor nods.

"That is praiseworthy. Smart, Mr. Gallo. You set boundaries to keep yourself safe mentally. But tell me what you are going to do when you are in the same room as Julia and she becomes physical? How will you respond? How will you talk to her and calm her? 

 Trevor stops walking and puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey, I'm not asking you to fix her, but rather to ensure you have the training to de-escalate situations when she spirals out. This will also enhance your safety."

I let out a sigh, acknowledging I can't keep running away when Julia has one of her meltdowns.

We end the conversation once we get to Julia's place and Trevor knocks firmly on the door. Nate answers and lets me in while Trevor goes his separate way. Julia has a lot of unpacking to do so I doubt they will make her start her individual therapy sessions hours after she just moved in.

"I'll get your lunch going, James." Julia jumps off the couch and busies herself.

 I study my best friend for a moment. Then glance over at Nate. Something happened between the two of them while everyone was gone. I may not be able to read Hollan but I can read Julia like a book. Something is off.

They fucked around. God, I hope that's not the case.

I could care less what Julia does, to be honest, but if I am right, she can pretty much say goodbye to Paul. I know Rossi. If Julia slipped up and slept with Nate, it's over between her and Paul. He may love Julia, but he has too much pride and self-respect to let her walk all over him. Not a shot in hell he will put up with that. If I am correct, Julia is going to sabotage herself and her relationship with Paul. Nate is leaving. He will be gone, and Julia will be here, stuck with Paul, who doesn't give second chances. Hope the sex was worth ruining a good thing she had going for her. And I hope I'm wrong here because if not, Paul will shut Julia out completely. That means, when Nate leaves for tour, Paul will be useless. It will all fall on me. 

I don't think I'm ready to step up to the plate yet.

I don't say anything. I'm never the one to voluntarily attempt to cause friction. I rather stay behind the scenes and let people figure their own shit out before jumping into the drama. I sit down at the kitchen table and keep to myself instead.

"What did you do with Trevor today?" Julia is making small talk while making my sandwich. Do I tell her the doctor is trying to train me to handle situations involving Julia and her outburts or is that going to set her off?

"We visited Cara, actually." I make sure not to make eye contact with Hollan.

"You saw my sister?" Nate sits down across from me. I wonder if I'm overstepping by visiting Nate's sister. Lately, he has made it a point to pop in for about twenty minutes, but I think that is because he is forced to by Jonah, not on his own account.

"Yeah. She's not having a great day." I keep it short and simple. 

Julia sits beside me and encourages me to attempt grabbing my sandwich on my own a few times before offering assistance. As part of my physical therapy, I am working on gradually regaining my grip. I try, but the sandwich falls apart, leaving me filled with embarrassment that Nate saw this. I try a second time and the deli meat and cheese slide out of the bread and onto my plate. Heat rises to my face as I try one more time- feeling like crying because I still can't fucking feed myself. And mad at myself that I can't just fully recover already.

The anger and frustration set in when the bread rips.

"Fuck it!" I snap, making Julia flinch from my reaction. I push the plate away harshly. "I'm not hungry anyway."

"I've got ya, buddy." Nate reaches over and quickly puts the ham and cheese back between the slices of bread for me and adjusts my hands, putting me at ease. One thing with my core group of caretakers, even Nate, they never make me feel bad about the things I can't do. Hell, Nate has had to give me showers and physically dress me before when I'd have a seizure and Julia wasn't around or mentally unavailable.

"Thanks." I realize my anger took over and try to reel it in. Something the neurologist said I need to work on. "Sorry."

"Don't be, Mate." Nate pats my shoulder, and we move on.

Trevor believes I harbor suppressed anger stemming from the abuse I experienced being Joe Gallo's child. He said I tend to criticize myself harshly when situations do not go as planned. Unnecessarily express anger and redirect frustration from the abuse toward minor matters in the present moment. It's happened before. Poor Casey had to deal with me flipping out while eating one day, shattering plates and glasses and having a complete meltdown when my brain malfunctioned and I couldn't process shit the right way. I snapped at her. Something I never do and was completely out of character for me.

How the hell does Dr. Tremont want me to help others and care for Julia when I can't even help myself? 

I still have a long way to go in my recovery- and I'm not talking physically either. I do all the things-  go to therapy, talk about my problems and my life and sometimes feel like I'm finally progressing and getting ahead of the game. That is, until Joe makes an appearance or does something in the present day to stir the pot. Then I feel like I go right back to a child, scared and helpless, unable to defend myself or my family. Joe plays mind games. He knows what gets to me, what sets me off.  And until that man is buried 6 feet in the ground, I will continue to harness unresolved anger and channel it in the wrong ways.

One of these days, Joe is going to push me to that limit, and I am going to physically lose my shit on someone. And it won't be pretty.

******