*James*

Trevor Tremont has taken me under his wing a little. He's a good man with integrity and is really smart, like Donovan smart. He sees something in me. I may not see it but this guy does. 

I've never thought of myself as a smart person. I'd try hard in school- because I had to. If I didn't get straight A's I was physically punished for it by Joe. Sometimes my sisters would help me with my homework or even DO my homework when I couldn't wrap my brain around something- desperate to prevent their brother from being abused.

By the time I hit high school things got harder. School got harder. Demands put on me by my father became harder as well. He wanted me to pull my weight more. Get a job. Get two jobs. Support mom and my sisters while he went out galivanting around town with women and whiskey. Spending his money on others instead of his own wife. What gets me is- Mom is a beautiful woman. More beautiful than any of the women I've seen my father with. I don't get it. I never will. But other women came easy to Joe. They'd fall head over heels for the man. His good looks always fool them. Joe didn't have to say a thing and women do what he wants when he wants. He has no respect for them yet they still to this day bend over backwards for him. It's sick. He's a fucking monster.

Anyways- Trying to balance two part time jobs and school was hard for a teen. But I did it, though I was abused more because my grades slipped. I wasn't sleeping, barely had time for a decent meal in between shifts and when I WAS home, I was either protecting my sisters or working out so I could continue to protect my sisters.

I told Trevor a little bit of my story without going into details. Bits and pieces here and there over coffee after a session or in the cafeteria.  Paul escorts Julia to and from everything she needs to be with and since she doesn't really partake in counseling with Trevor yet, I've taken up space to make it worth his time. Julia will come around. Eventually.

Right now, Trevor and I are in the Avalon Library. I didn't even know this place HAD a library! It's this massive bright room with walls lined with books from floor to ceiling. Aisles filled with all different genres you can think of. From mental health help books, to fiction, nonfiction, documentaries, magazines, religion, you name it. Just like a public library. Every corner has big, oversized fabric chairs to sit and read. In front of the enormous floor to ceiling windows are love seats and couches. All a light eggshell colored leather.  With pillows and end tables with little lamps. Oriental carpets overlap one another to give the polished wooden floors more warmth. Huge sparkling chandeliers hang from the ceiling. It's what you'd expect to see in an extravagant place like The Avalon.

In the middle of the room are rows of four long wooden tables with chairs.  Trevor and I sit next to each other, each with a cup of coffee next to us in the surprisingly empty room. You'd think more patients would want to come here. To escape from their reality a little. Get lost in a book, in another world, away from the pain they are in right now. But the library is usually empty when we pop in so I'm not surprised today is no different.

On the table in front of me is an open medical book Trevor wants me to read. It lies flat on the hard wood table for me to look down and read without having to hold it and I give a slight nod when it's time for Trevor to turn the page for me. I always try first but I became too frustrated today. Grasping the thin paper in between my index finger and thumb has proven to be a fine motor skill I had lost with my head injury. My coordination just isn't there and I'd either end up ripping the page accidentally or becoming too frustrated with myself I'd push the book away and give up completely.

But Trevor won't let me give up. And he has all the patience in the world. Which is why he is still here, patiently waiting for Julia to come around, and hasn't given up and moved back east where he is from.

Sometimes Trevor wants me to read out loud, which I find a little odd. But he says that it's a good way to really absorb the material I'm reading. If something catches his attention, he jots it down in a notebook for me.

Trevor seems to think I'd make a good counselor here. All I need is a little education. So the man sits here with me, dedicating his time to help me learn. Right now he has me reading this medical book called "Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders " Also known as "DSM-5-TR", (5th Edition, Text Revision). It's a guide for diagnosing mental disorders. Trevor thinks I should know all about what Julia has, inside and out, medically and how it affects her and those around her emotionally. Not only that, but other, more common disorders, that a lot of patients here in the Avalon suffer from. It's more of a reference book for mental health professionals, psychiatrists, psychologists and other healthcare professionals. All of which I am not. I was a damn receptionist at a hotel, and a bodyguard. That's it. But I have to admit- I AM learning a lot.

Today, Trevor has me reading the basics on Bipolar. Did you know there are different kinds of Bipolar? Bipolar I, II, and also something called Cyclothymic Disorder? I sure as hell didn't. As I read out loud in the empty library, Trevor jots down and outlines the material for me. 

Bipolar I disorder involved at least one manic episode, which may be preceded or followed by major depressive episodes. Bipolar II involves at least one hypomanic episode and one at least one major depressive episode. And Cyclothymic Disorder involves periods of hypomanic symptoms and periods of depressive symptoms that don't meet the criteria for a major depressive or hypomanic episode. The mood shifts aren't as extreme as those in people with Bipolar. They can function in daily life though it may be a little harder.

 But that's not Julia. Julia is full on 100% bipolar. Her highs are real high and her lows are so low. Her manic episodes are explosive. But it does point an arrow to Jeremy Donovan. I know he has mental shit. I wonder if this is one of them. I wonder if he takes medicine for that too. Not that I'd ever ask the prick.

"Jesus." I furrow my brows. "This stuff is crazy- no pun intended." 

Mr. Moneybags stops writing and looks up at me with a little chuckle.

"Yeah, you could say that."

"You don't seriously think I'd ever be able to counsel people who deal with this shit, do you? This stuff is.... extreme." I look down at the page and back up at the doctor.

"I don't expect you to. But, James, Julia is your caretaker, correct? You should know how to talk to her."

"I talk to her just fine, what do you mean?" I question, not in a sarcastic or defensive way, just wanting to know what he means genuinely. Trevor puts the pen down and focuses on our conversation now.

"You don't. Sure, when she's fine you do. But the minute Julia spirals out of control you take a step back. You move aside and let others deal with her episodes. You're scared of her."

"I'm not scared of her." I say and roll my eyes.

"You should be."

******

*Trisha*

I stare ahead at the traffic light, lost in my own trauma, reliving the accident. Cars are in front of me, next to me, behind me. The intersection is full of vehicles moving about. People crossing the road, bikers alongside the cars. Parents pushing their baby strollers when its time to cross.

And then there's me.

Everything is in slow motion around me. I'm gripping the wheel so tight pins and needles run through my shaking hands.

"Trisha... the light is green." I hear Evan but don't put my foot on the gas. I hear the beeping of cars, the pissed off people. I pay no attention to them as they all swerve around me. This has happened before.

"Trish."

The light turns red again. I stare at it. Hypnotized by it. How quickly the light changes from green, to yellow, to red. In that matter of seconds. 

In the matter of seconds.

Everything can change. People could die.  People have died.

"James..." My voice trails off softly while I ruin my makeup with my tears.

"What?" I can feel Evan's eyes on me. "Why don't we pull over."

But I just stare at the light.

"James. The light..." 

"Ok, hey Trisha. C'mon. Turn in over there." The bodyguard insists but I can't seem to think clearly.

****

"James. The light..." 

I screamed, but it was too late. By the time James noticed we went through the intersection, the impact of the crash had happened.

The SUV spins around before tipping, and the next thing I know, we are upside down. My hand flies up to my head from the impact of hitting the dashboard.

*****

I can hear the crunch of the two SUVs colliding. I can almost feel the drop in my stomach from being flipped upside down. The smell of gasoline and smoke fill my nose. I can see James.

He looks so peaceful. Like he's sleeping. He's finally sleeping after working so hard for so long. That's what he looks like. Just....sleeping.

"C'mon. You're ok." I hear Evan's voice again. "Sorry! Just go around us! Yeah whatever- fucking go around us loser!" 

Horns honk. People swear. 

"Let's go." 

"Huh?" I refocus my eyes. Evan is reaching around me to put the SUV in park. He unbuckles my seatbelt. Evan wraps his arms around me and pulls me out of the driver's seat. He walks me around to the passenger's seat and buckles me in. I lean forward and drop my head in my hands, realizing now what happened. Shit.

"I'm sorry." I muffle out an apology while breaking down into my hands.

"It's ok. You need to talk to someone though, Miss. Banks. I mean it."

I know this already. I've been putting it off. With everything going on with everyone around me and Nate and Richard and all that shit... Excuses excuses- I know...

Evan takes over and drives the rest of the way to the Avalon. I was trying hard to get over my fucking fear of the detox facility to go to visit Nate and wanted to have a one on one with Paul, who I've been avoiding since he broke up with me for Julia. But I wasn't thinking of the many intersections I'd have to go through to get to the Avalon.

I was doing fairly well driving the last few weeks. But I wasn't really driving far. Maybe from point A to point B here and there. Once we got to this busy intersection it just brought me right back to that fatal car accident. I can't seem to get past it and continue to relive that awful day over and over in my head. It's been months. Nate uses me as his fucking therapist. I used to do the same. But this is beyond Nate I think.

 I think.... this requires professional help.

*****

*James*

I think Trevor knew he spooked me a little today. Talking about Julia and how dangerous she could possibly get while in one of her episodes. Unlike Jeremy, Julia harms herself. I know Trevor just wants me to learn how to handle Julia when she spirals out of control, I just can't. Not yet. It's too hard to see Julia change like that. It's too difficult to watch her cry. And yell. And throw things. Cut herself, bleed, tear apart everything around her.

 Cry. It's too hard to watch her cry. It's a different cry. It's so excruciating and desperate like she's fighting this demon in herself that wants to take over. All Julia wants is to feel normal in her own skin. But this monster has this hold on her. This mental illness that rears its ugly head and takes over her little body. Her mind. I would rather get punched in the stomach fifty thousand times from my father than watch Julia suffer the way she does in those moments. 

Trevor could sense this was too much. I began stuttering more while reading out loud.  The doctor could tell reading some of the facts from the book was a lot for a person like me to digest, knowing full well what I've seen from Julia.

"We can end here." He closes the book and then closes his notebook. "It's difficult for you. To live with someone like Julia. Isn't it?"

"I love her. When she's Julia, I love her. She's the only one who knows how to take care of me. The only one I want to take care of me." I admit.

"Then you need to learn more about her. About the things she struggles with, James. You need to know how to deal with those waves when they hit, you know?"

I nod. I do know. But Nate has always been better at that shit than I have. I've always just let him handle it. I need to stop doing that and step up to the plate.

"Listen, once you learn more and interact with people more, it will become easier. I still think you would make an outstanding counselor here. I see the way you talk to Cara, and others. But you have to know the triggers too. What sets people off. So you know what to expect if it happens as well as steer clear from things that set them off. C'mon, lets head back."

I inhale deeply, glad the book is closed for now and ready to go back to the apartment. Paul and Julia should be back by now anyway. 

****

Once back in the apartment, Trevor goes his separate way. But Paul and Julia aren't back yet. Jonah ran out to run errands and Nate is the only one here. We don't think much of it at first. I play outside with the dog for a few minutes. Then do some of my PT exercises.

After a half hour Nate begins to pace the living room nervously.

"You definitely saw her in session though?" 

"Yeah. She was already there when Trevor and I got there. I couldn't sit next to her like usual though. Paul was on one side of her and Jeremy on the other." I explain and sit on the living room couch.

"Jeremy sat right next to Julia???"

"Yeah," I shrug. Paul was with Julia. I don't worry about Jeremy when Paul is there Usually Paul is not allowed to go to these sessions, but this one was an "open session". Family members were invited to join because it was talking about how you can help the ones you love that have addiction. It's one of the rare times Paul..or anyone... is allowed to sit in.

"Paul was watching him from the other side but really, both Julia and Jeremy looked on edge. And that Dr. Cohen lady sat right behind Julia. She didn't take her eyes off her."

Nate stops pacing and I can tell his mind is going a million miles an hour now. But that stops immediately when the Avalon door unlocks and swings open.

"Where have you been?" Nate bursts, catching both Julia and Paul by surprise.

Julia plops down next to me on the couch and puts her head in my lap. She closes her eyes and curls up against me. 

"You ok, babe?" I rub the side of Julia's arm.

"I'm just really tired. And I've got Cohen following me around all day. I only have an hour before I have to have dinner in the cafeteria and then the evening session. I was five minutes late to the afternoon session because I had to use the bathroom and there was a line. Cohen pulled me aside after and said if I'm late again she's writing me up."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"  Nate's short temper gets the best of him.

 Maybe NATE has some of that bipolar shit, haha! I'm reading into people waaaayyy too much after reading those damn books.

"Even Cara noticed Cohen was on my back all day. She was loving it." Julia says in the middle of a yawn.

"She's not exaggerating. Dr. Cohen was on our tail the entire day. She's really got it out for Moretti right now." Paul sits on the recliner and opens it up to rest his legs.

"Well, that will die down soon though, right?"  I ask but when I get no response, I look down at Julia and laugh a little. She konked out in my lap. "She fell asleep. This new routine is a lot for her."

"She didn't get much sleep last night either. That doesn't help." Paul yawns himself now and I stupid grin forms on my face. I know Julia. I know that means Paulie got some well-deserved action.

"I do NOT want to hear it about you two and your lack of sleep." Nate snaps.

"Funny, Hollan. No, she had a rough night." Paul says no more and closes his eyes.

Huh.... Did Julia have one of her night terrors? Is that what he means?  Maybe I will ask Trevor to find me a book on that too. I deal with them as well so it's always good to learn more. But I can see Nate is beside himself over this. He is very overprotective of Julia. He hates to hear when she has a rough night because he wants to be the one to comfort and take care of her. 

Not Paul.

I don't say anything for obvious reasons and leave well enough alone.

"Before I forget. Lindsay reached out to me. She'd like to come by and visit the dog today if that's fine with you, Gallo." Nate quickly changes the topic.

"Of course."

"Good cuz she'll be here in like.... fifteen minutes. Where WERE you after the session. Running late as well???" 

"Did you know this place has a full library?" I tell Nate how Trevor has been taking me to the library when he can. I decide to leave out the fact that I'm studying medical books or that Trevor sees something in me and thinks I could possibly work here, or a place like this, some day. 

Nate's not really one to 'better himself'. I don't mean that in a bad way. I just have never seen the kid pick up anything but a guitar. Never see him read. He doesn't ever talk about goals other than wanting to live happily ever after with Julia. He kind of lives one day at a time. He lets Trisha and his management do the rest. They tell him where to go, what to do, hell- what to wear and how to act. Ever since the guy was a friggen teenager. I don't think he even knows how to live without people telling him how to live his own life.

In a way, I feel bad for Nate. There's no peace for him. Just chaos. All the time- chaos.

******

*Trisha*

Once we pull up to the Avalon, I begin to have second thoughts. Not because of the Avalon itself. It's Paul. We never did talk things out and have stayed away from each other for the most part. Or..I've stayed away to be honest.

"You know what? Maybe now isn't a good day to visit." I rub under my eyes then look in the mirror to see how my mascara has smudged from crying.

"We're already here now. Too late." Evan smirks. "You should find a counselor while you are here anyway."

One of these days I'm gonna get a razor and shave off one half of his beard in his sleep. Just to piss him off.

"I am NOT coming to the Avalon for counseling." I sneer.

"Why not? They have all types of therapists here. I'm sure they have some that specialize in PTSD."

"Jesus, I don't have PTSD ok? I freaked out one time!" I huff while Evan parks the SUV in one of the visitor's spots.

"One time??"

"Fuck you, Scofield. I've got a lot going on, ok?" My words drift off when I see a familiar man leaning against a red sedan, talking to another man.

"Shit." I focus my eyes on Dave who is in deep conversation with his sponsor. I had forgotten he comes to the Avalon for his AA meetings and treatments. Evan follows my eyes and sees what I'm looking at. He stiffens up instantly, just like Paul does.

"That's Dave Brennan, correct?" Evan is in bodyguard mode now.

I nod but continue to stare at my own addiction, only looking away when Dave happens to turn and notice me in the SUV. He's about two cars up and two to the right in the parking lot from me. Not close enough to hear him talking but close enough for him to see me sitting here.

"Trisha, what would you like to do? Want me to take you inside or do you want me to drive you home?"

I ignore Evan. Dave says something to his sponsor who nods and leans up against the car to wait. Dave then makes his way over to where we are parked.

"Trisha, roll up your window." Evan demands when he notices my window is still rolled down from when I had my panic attack and needed air.

"Hold on." I whisper as Dave heads towards us.

"Trisha..."

The bodyguard shakes his head at me. He's learning that being my bodyguard can sometimes be difficult when it comes to Brennan. Even having a restraining order against the man.... I still find a way to let him in a little. I know I shouldn't. He's the most toxic person I have ever met in my life.

But just look at him. He's Dave. He was once my  Dave. My fiancé. There was a time I was so madly in love with this man. A time when I would NEVER have thought he'd raise his voice at me, never mind a hand. Or fist. There was a time he made love to me. Not rape me. Sober Dave is a very different person than Drunk Dave. Maybe I understand a little of how Julia can be around Jeremy Donovan now. She was close to the doctor before he turned into a monster.

"Hey." Dave stands far enough away from the SUV but close enough to flash his bright smile and give me a little wave. 

"Hi." I pause, feeling Evan's eyes burning through both Dave and me for even greeting each other right now. "You doing ok?"

"Yep. Just about to head inside for my AA meeting and then to visit my cousin. I'm doing really well."

Cousin. That's right. Jeremy is Dave's cousin. That's who he is talking about.

"Good." I snap out of that thought. "You look good. Healthy." And he does. I can tell Dave hasn't had a drink in a while. He's sobering up. Getting back on his feet. Getting his act together. It's all I've ever wanted for him. Just like Nate. Back on track with life.

"You coming or going?" He asks but before I can answer, Evan does.

"Going." Evan presses the button to roll up my window and then presses the child-lock button on it so I can't roll it back down myself. He starts up the SUV before and begins to back up. Dave gives me a slight shrug and heads back to his sponsor.

"Rude." I glare at Scofield while we drive off.

"You have more issues than I thought."

"Excuse me??"

"There is a restraining order against that man." He keeps his eye on the road while talking.

"Obviously I know that. I'm the one who asked for the damn restraining order."

"And yet you let him come near you. I read his criminal record, Trisha." 

"You- what??"

"It's part of my job." His eyes never leave the road but I glare at the bodyguard.

"How do you have access to that shit??"

Evan cocks his head at me and gives me an "are you kidding" look. I know full well both him and Paul have "friends" on the inside. "Friends" everywhere. Whether legal or illegal, there are ways to get information on pretty much anybody. They have their connections. So Evan has a connection in the police force. Maybe being in the military gave him a foot in the door. Who knows. But I don't question it.

"I saw the police reports. The latest one- when he broke in to your apartment and attacked you. How Paul had to pull him away, and James called 911 and had the asshole arrested."

My face heats up and I try not to divert my eyes to look at my wrists. I remember it all to well. Dave was drunk in the fucking morning. Drunk and pissed off. He pinned me to the wall. I had black and blue marks on my wrists from his tight grip.

It wasn't the first time Dave has done that to me while drunk.

What the hell am I doing? Evan is right. I shouldn't even be looking Brennan's way, nevermind say hi to the man.

But he's Dave. Sober Dave.

And Sober Dave is a man I was once going to marry.

Jesus, maybe I do need some counseling...

*****