The Rhums

Twas the night before Christmas, we're all at the house
My Mom and Dad and brothers and sisters, even Uncle Prowse.
The stockings weren't hung by the chimney with care,
'Cause our feet would freeze if they were up there.

The little ones were all jumping on their beds,
'Cause all the candy and sweets had gone to their heads.
Mom was in her sweatpants and long stocking cap,
Dad was cursing on the couch, trying to get a nap.

When out in the snowbank there arose such a clatter,
Uncle Dave fell off the back bridge with a drunken splatter.
Away to the window everyone flew like a flash,
I opened the cupboard and stole the liquor stash.

I ran up the stairs, to my room I did go
Listening to the screams and cursing from below.
When all of a sudden at my door did appear,
My pissed off Dad, looking for his beer.

I tried to run past him, but hell he was quick,
He grabbed me by the collar, said "I'm gettin' my stick".
Faster than lightening, my Mom she came,
Cursing out Dad and calling me by name!

"For f**k sake Bobby, stop beating on Sven
And give back the beer, don't make me come again."
Dad kicked my ass, I hit the wall!
"Now dash away, Bobby! Best heed my call!"

"As for you, Sven, my nerves you have tried,
Now get back downstairs and no more lies."
As quick as I could, down the stairs I flew,
Just in time for a bowl of hot beef stew.

All of a sudden we heard something on the roof
"I think I heard the sound of reindeer hoofs."
But it was no reindeer, my brother Nick being a clown
Climbed on the roof to turn the antenna around.

"When he comes down, his ass will meet my foot
In computer lingo, I guess that's input."
Dad laughed so hearty, he fell on his back,
And we all heard a mighty snap and crack.

His eyes they went bloodshot, his face turned cherry

His voice was a whisper, he reached for sister Mary
Mom said, "He's thrown out his back don't you know.,
Go outside and get some buckets of snow."

Mom and me helped get Dad to his feet,
Stood him in the corner, near my brother Keith.
Who was being punished for eating all the jelly,
And now had a terrible ache in his belly

Mom pulled down some pills from the shelf,
Laughing, said, "This will make Dad feel like himself."
A wink of her eye and a twist of her head,
She headed for the door. "Come on," she said.

She spoke no more words but had an evil smirk,
"Lets go outside and bury your brother, Kirk."
I dressed quickly in some warmer clothes,
And we covered Kirk from his head to his toes.

All of a sudden we heard a loud whistle,
A snowball hit my face, like a missile.
I cursed and swore and screamed in the night,
"Son-of-a-bitch, time for a fight."

In a matter of seconds there was a massive rumble

Brothers and sisters and Mom in a jumble

Scratching and biting and pulling of hair

Punching and gouging and devil may care

The neighbours were soon outside as well

Yelling at us to all go to hell

"It's 3 in the morning on Christmas Eve.

Are you all in sane. For God's sake leave."

Soon, cops did arrive, with red lights flashing

To put an end to all our thrashing

We were all pushed and crowded in a police van

To bring peace and quiet to the land

So with me and my family all in jail

Keith, sick in bed throwing up in a pail

Dad passed out under the Christmas tree

The back door as wide open as can be

Beer bottles all over the kitchen table

And the twins asleep in their wicker cradle

The cat's in the turkey, dog's eating it too

Dad's still on the floor, turning kind of blue

And the sun is now rising in the sky

Another Christmas Eve has gone by

With the sad state of affairs at the home of the Rhums

Its really no surprise that Santa never comes