04 x THE ONE WHERE EVERYTHING IS PETER'S FAULT

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Without thinking, Tony swung his fist forward after gathering enough momentum and let it crash onto Victor von Doom's cheek. Obviously, everything was falling to shit at the first party he had attended in a few years. Try five. 

Victor, stunned, jostled back while holding his nose (Tony's aim deterred) and feeling the slow dripping of blood down his lips and satin green shirt. It was turning black with the crimson liquid that steadily dripped down.

Maybe, Tony was laying it on a bit thick. The arrogant, way too sexy, good for nothing but kissing Elle, electrically-gifted come sorcerer asshole had always hit a nerve. He was running out of adjectives for prick when he saw Victor groan, throwing his head back to stop the flow of blood. 

"Ow," he groaned, "what the hell, Tony!"

"I am not apologizing," Tony shrugged, shaking his fist to wad off the sting. 

"First of all, nice to meet you, too," Victor practically growled, sounding comically nasal as he held his nostrils. "And two, this is Giorgio Armani."

"Send me a cheque," he replied flippantly, still searching the overflowing crowds. Grumbling when he came back empty-handed. "Damn it, Doom. You ruin everything."

"I didn't even do anything," he retorted, wiping his face and relieved that it was clear of strokes of blood. 

"Funny. You said the same thing when you frenched Elle," Tony fought back, taking a step closer. "That's the thing, Doomsy—I never forget."

"I thought you forgave me. Besides, it. Wasn't. Elle!"

"Never have and will," he shook his head, his voicing dipping low with a threat. "If you go anywhere near my wife, I will rip your tiny iron balls and—"

"Victor?" He heard Elle's lively voice call out a few spaces behind him, scuttling sounds of her heels nearing. He rearranged his warning grimace into a quick smile, taking Elle's waist securely when she arrived.

"Hello, Eleanor," Victor smiled at her, way too kind. 

"Such a surprise," Elle continued to laugh, moving forward for a hug. When Victor's green eyes met with Tony, he made a slow slicing neck motion. Smirking vivaciously, Victor grabbed her by the shoulders sinking her into a huge embrace. 

I'm gonna kill you, Tony mouthed.

You can try, Victor mouthed back. 

"Oof, can't breathe," Elle wheezed and pulled away with a breathless laugh. Her hands were still glued to his shoulder and Tony almost twitched an eye at the contact. "You look spectacular, Victor."

"Just a few odds and ends," he waved off with a grin. Tony saw his hand try to clutch her waist and he acted. Fast. "But you, on the other hand, you look—"

"—like a million bucks and three thousand cheeseburgers," Tony finished for him, shooting him a quick glare after turning Elle towards him. "I know never told you but, you do."

"Aw, thank you, love," Elle patted Tony's shoulder, a little confused at Tony's compliment. She turned away, nevertheless. "So, Victor. Did—"

Tony let out a sigh. So much for trying.

"—Stephen come with you?" She asked, bobbing her head over his shoulder to search for the other sorcerer. "I mean, he said he'd be here."

"I'll tell you about it if you get me a drink?" He grinned.

"Deal," she laughed and flickered her soft gaze to Tony. "Baby, do you—"

"Yes, I do mind," he interrupted with his voice edging on a dangerous growl. "Of course, I do. This son of a bitch lured you into a hotel room and made out with you. You think I'm going to let you go on a nightcap with this iron-masked hooker? No! So, yes, I mind a lot. A lot."

Victor rolled his eyes. "Jesus Christ, can you let it go?"

"A nightcap," Elle repeated. "Do you hear yourself sometimes?"

"Yes, I am fortunate like that."

"I was going to ask if you wanted to join, Tony," Elle finished, rolling her lips into her teeth. Unimpressed and maybe a little embarrassed. "Well, I guess not."

A beat passed before he blew. "For fuck's sake! The universe is against me!"

 "No, you are just being a bone-headed whim," Elle pointed out and looked to his side with a sigh. "And you lost Margo?"

"She left," he let out an unchecked hum, coming up with a lie, "to... get... a sandwich?"

"A sandwich," she repeated in disbelief. 

"Some air," he said, instead. "Is that more believable?"

"Is she safe?" She insisted.

I believe so, sir. Her phone has been tracked and I have located her on the roof of this building, FRIDAY spoke in his ear. Her voice seemed to ease a worrying part of his mind and Tony let out a soft breath.

"Yeah, I guess so," he mentioned. "She's safe."

"Tony, what is the matter with you?" She asked, slumping into herself. "Tonight was supposed to be fun. Just you, me and the kids, having a blast, celebrating Rhodey's birthday. But, you just can't seem to get a handle on yourself."

He breathed out, shaking his head. "I know. I'm sorry, I just—I saw Margo with that boy and then, this asshole—"

"I'm right here, you know," Victor cut in.

"—and I just lost it," he said, ignoring Doom. "Okay, I am. Let me make it up to you. Please?"

A slow grin spread on her face when he reached out to clasp her cheek. He was forgiven with his former apology, leaning forward to press a kiss on his cheek. That was the thing about Elle—she was easy to make up to. However bad it got, no matter how long it took for him to buck up the courage and see through the guilt, Elle always forgave everyone. Some said its a negative but he begged to differ.

"Still here," Victor cleared his throat awkwardly. "Not that you care or anything."

"Alright," she nodded at Tony, raising a brow. "You're pardoned."

"Great," he grinned widely, letting his hand traverse down and trap her hand. He brought it to his lips to kiss her knuckles. 

"Can I have this dance, missus?"

"No," she shook her head, her eyes wide with terror. "I'm not—"

"Come on," he tugged her forward. "I'll even let you stand on my feet."

"Corny," she scrunched her nose. 

"Or not," he pursed his lips. "Yeah, that was a stupid negotiation."

Laughing, she sauntered forward in his hold and gladly following him through the jostling crowds. When she glanced behind her, Victor waved both his arms away.

"I'll just be here, alone," he yelled through the music. "Go have fun!"

"Nice seeing you, Victor!" 

She let out a small squeal when she was tugged on harder, nearly stumbling into a couple and chuckling when her back was pulled flush against a chest. Tony set his cheek on her shoulder from the back, the little scruff of his cheek grazing against her neck. He wrapped his arms around her midsection and swaying her to the slow beat that wrapped around them like a thread. A hand splayed over his cheek.

"You know, your impulse hasn't aged a day," Elle noticed, grinning when she felt him smile into her shoulder. 

"Are you telling me that I've gotten old?" He said, sounding hurt.

"I never said that," she laughed. "I thought it, never said it."

"Just shoot me already," he chuckled. "Okay, what did you think of me when we met?"

Elle shook her head. "Are you serious?"

"Answer."

"Hmm," she turned around, sucking in her cheeks and thinking hard about it. A little snort left her when she remembered. "I thought: what a huge head on an alarmingly tiny body."

He found himself laughing. "Liar. I'll tell you what you thought."

"No!"

"You thought," he continued, mimicking a nasally British accent and failing at smothering a laugh. "Bloody hell, I'm going to get off with this sexy, brunette bloke, ooh, so randy from him already!"

"Ssh," Elle failed to shut him up. Some heads turned and she went beet-red. "Ssh!"

"Snog, shag, knickers," he continued to laugh harder, his wrong British accent thickening. 

"I never—that's—"

"Get so stuffed!"

"Shut up, Tony," she shrieked, pushing both her hands into his mouth and dropping her forehead when more heads turned on them. "Never again."

Tears welled at the corners of his eyes at how he was laughing, a hand going to support his stomach as he swayed them to the rhythm. 

"Can you imagine?" He finally composed himself.

"Oh, you painted quite the picture, Stark."

"I swear I fell in love with you when you threatened me with that wrench," he snickered, shaking his head and laid his lips near her ear. "Butt naked."

"I was wrapped in a blanket," she pointed out.

"Barely helped."

"Still covered."

"And you stood me up," he widened his eyes, amused. "I asked you out for lunch and you—"

"—forgot," she said. "I forgot I was supposed to. You just barged into my office and demanded an explanation."

"No one has ever brushed me off. My ego had been hurt," he reasoned.

"And for good measure," she smirked. "Besides, remember when you made that god horrid announcement over the PA system of the building?"

"Paging for Eleanor Maeve Preece. Your sorrowful, attractive boyfriend has come to apologize for going down on you without your permission," he repeated, grinning away. The fact that was not only embarrassing but, sexual was what made that moment so accursed. She had been in the middle of a conference when the announcement came through, the sheer humiliation that she had faced was too much to stomach even after months.

She shivered. "Awful. And the way you said it is just—I got weird notes in my office for a month, Tony."

"Really? I'm surprised you didn't break up with me."

"You kept bothering me by breaking into my apartment and showing up at my work," she retorted. 

"I surprised you," he murmured.

"You terrified me," she corrected. 

"I was being a cute boyfriend."

"How often do you find your said boyfriend looming in the shadows and waking up next to you when you fall asleep?"

"Damn you, Stephenie Meyer," he hissed under his breath. "I knew it wasn't lovey-dovey or anything romantic."

"You are no Edward Cullen."

"Thank fuck for that," he wiped invisible sweat off his forehead. "I've got better justification moves than him."

"Flower-shower move?" She cited with a cocked brow. "Kisses a la cupcake? The infamous fix-it-with-a-wrench-and-a-screw?"

"The last one always works," he smirked, bumping his nose with hers. "It's how we got Margo."

While Tony laughed, Elle watched only to admire. His laughter was so easy and pure, so absurd despite his adult years. It came to her ears as a tickle and bounce—and only a stony heart could do anything but join in such ample merriment.

Tony pinched her rear and she jumped in surprise, biting down a shriek. Angry, she smacked his shoulder with a frown. 

"What was that for?"

"You were phasing out," Tony said easily. 

"I was just," she breathed out softly, "thinking."

"Okay, carefully. Take it one word at a time," he teased.

"Tony," she called out, inhaling sharply as if to ready herself for the worst. He looked at her with a smile, no holes barred and profoundly easy-going. "If I were to tell you that I want another baby, what would you say?"

Tony stiffened in her arms, halting the sway in his dance moves to snap his gaze down at her. Swirling between urgency and horror, the unexpected daze of realization.

"Are you—"

"Just answer the question," she cut in.

He sucked in a large breath. "If that's what you want, Elle. But, I never expected three kids, babe. As of now, I'm still in disbelief how me, a hyperaware spaz, am able to do it."

"So," she hummed. "You'd only do it for me?"

"I love you," he said simply, a hand clasping her face. "And what's a part of you is strangely and perversely a part of me. I accepted it when I put that ring on you."

Elle laughed quietly, resting her forehead on the side of his jaw. "I'll be alright if you don't want to."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He sounded offended.

"I could always take the shortcut out," she gulped. "Medically."

"You mean," he almost paled, "fetus deletus?"

She rolled her eyes. "Act like an adult, please."

"I don't care," he hissed. "How could you say that?"

"Because I don't know if you could handle another baby," she shrugged. "Besides, it's just a small procedure. It will be done in no time."

"It's a wee little baby," he stuttered, horrified. "A tiny human."

"Tony, you're being sentimental—"

"Greetings, ladies and gentlemen!" 

The piercing shriek of a modulating microphone tore through the tense atmosphere that had surrounded between them. The couple searched the crowd before their eyes landed on the raised dais that acted as a stage for performances by a band that night, only now—

"I'm sure you're informed that my uncle," the curly-haired boy swaggered on his feet before his equally klutzy sister supported him by holding his shoulders, "is celebrating his birthday."

"That's one of ours," Tony muttered slowly, "right?"

"Two," Elle corrected.

"And we would like to give—oh, silly me," he giggled, raising a champagne glass in the air. "The name's Chip and this is my baby sis and twin, Poe."

As he spoke, Tony choked on his own spit when Poe lifted her own flute of champagne to her lips and sipping it in full. 

Tony and Elle looked at each other, equal parts ashamed and mystified. They said one word they had accepted at the moment.

"Peter."

∞

Riri and Shaun decided not to dance for the night; only because one couldn't and one didn't want to. Peter seemed to third-wheel them continuously, popping in between them by offering cookies (they didn't know those were being circled), warning them about sexually transmitted infections and the most obvious, death glares. 

"Can you believe it," Shaun mused, passing Riri a plate of hors d'oeuvres. The couple had their eyes peeled o another laughing couple, sighing away. "I don't think I've ever seen them apart."

It was true: Riri had never seen Elle and Tony apart. Ever since the first time she had met them in their stupid expensive mansion in Malibu, they had always shown to be the embodiment of perpetual flame. Seeing them two babies later, still managing to stand out in a crowd and having just as much fun as they had when she had laid eyes on them, it made Riri want to share the same with someone else.

Shaun shook his head in disbelief. "It's like they're two poles of a magnet."

"Yin and yang," Riri added, shaking out of her trance but unable to do so. "I want something like that."

Shaun grinned down at her. "Yeah?"

"Look at them," she muttered, waving their way. Nose stroking, lips pulled up grins and probably reliving the moment again and again until a laugh left them both. "Don't you?"

Shaun gulped. He really did not think the conversation would go so deep with just the glimpse of the happy couple. 

After setting his eyes on Riri, so distinctive from the crowd in her denim jacket and jeans, he knew she was everything he liked in a girl. Intelligent, petite and spirited. He loved her passion or the way she was fervent about her decisions. She was everything he wasn't and somehow, that made him like her more.

"Lucas?" Riri snapped her fingers at him. "Are gonna eat that?"

Shaun snapped his gaze from her to little shot glass of food in his hand and to her empty one. He gave her a smile and passed it to her.

"Nah," he shrugged. "You can have it."

"So, uh," she bit into the toothpick and glanced at him with a grin. "You look dapper."

"Oh, this?" He pointed to the suit he wore with a nervous chuckle. "Ma's idea. Thought it would impress you."

Riri looked away and answered in a small voice, "Mkay."

"What?" He nudged her arm with a sly grin. 

"I'm impressed," she hummed quietly and his grin broadened by the second. "I'm sorry I didn't dress up. I don't do the formal stuff. As much as Margo bugs me, I won't do it."

"I think it's very bold of you," he commented anyway, truthful. "Defying the rules—I like that."

Her dark eyes flickered to him. She was dazzled by his compliment, shyly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Thanks."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"I know I should have probably asked you a long time ago," he sighed, feeling his stomach tie up into a million knots when her soft smile fell on him. "But, you're just... you and I got choked up."

"Shaun."

"And you're completely out of my league, too. So freaking cool as Ironheart—"

"Shaun," she emphasised.

"What?"

"Get to the point."

"Yeah, sorry," he nodded quickly. "Riri, I like you. A lot. I can't stop thinking about you."

Riri laughed. "Very original, Patriot."

"It's true," he slumped into himself, rubbing the back of his neck anxiously. "This is harder than I thought."

"Can I tell you something?"

He shrugged. "Yeah."

"I like—"

"Riri!" 

"No!" Shaun groaned out, turning around to the interruption with a deep frown etched on his face. "Can't you just wait for two—oh. Mr Stark, hey."

Shaun was going to put one foot in the grave if it were possible. He felt his throat bob with effort as the confused, blue gaze of the Iron Maiden herself fall on Shaun and felt himself go hot all over for a short second.

"Mrs Stark," he nodded with an apologetic expression. "I'm so sorry. I was just in a conversation and me, being—"

"Shaun," Elle placed a hand over his elbow, "it's alright. We're sorry to rudely interrupt you but Riri," her gaze flashed to Riri's with irritation. "Where's Peter?"

"Shaun locked him in the janitor's closet," Riri said truthfully. "Only because he was annoying."

"What?" Tony blew out. "How?"

Shaun chuckled at his almost girlfriend. "Riri, tell him."

"We told him a girl was there to you know," she nudged an arm teasingly into Shaun's side, "do the dirty."

"In there?" Elle sounded disgusted. "And Peter believed you?"

"He didn't even try to escape," Tony sighed. "That idiot."

"But, why do you need him?" Shaun asked.

"Oh, I'm glad you asked, Lucas," Tony smiled sarcastically and looked behind his shoulder. "Doomsy, be a dear, and show them."

As if on cue, Victor von Doom, Doctor Doom in the flesh, had pushed forward the swaying, stumbling and teetering twins forward. 

"Hi, momma," Chip winked at him to Elle's horror. 

Victor, like a farmer rearing cattle, pushed the forward slowly and blank on knowing how to handle children. He made whistling noises and clucking his tongue.

"They're kids, not cows," Tony stated.

"Shut up, Stark. This is the closest I've been to kids."

"Chip, what did you give your sister?" Elle hissed, obviously in a mood to yell but holding down the tone because of the guests around her. 

Next to her equally stunned son stood a dazed Poe, her tiny hands clutching the stem of a champagne glass. Elle cautiously took a sniff of the glass and damn near fainted. "Oh, dear."

Heart thudding, Chip pointed at the girl behind Elle. "Riri told me it was Capri-Sun!"  

"I never told you shit!" Riri yelled back.

"She told me," Chip insisted, "that it was apple juice."

"You big, fat liar," Riri scoffed, ready to leap at him and give him a good kick in his butt. "I never even saw you around until now."

"Okay, okay, guys relax," Shaun stepped forward, holding Riri back by her shoulders. "There's been a tiny misunderstanding—"

"Misunderstand this," Riri growled, lunging for Chip, who shrieked and took cower behind his mother.  

"You know what, where's that schmuck," Tony raised his voice, looking to the side where the banner for janitor closet stood out behind the buffet table. "I'm gonna kill him."

"Dad," Chip giggled suddenly. "You have a tiny butt."

"Elle," Tony pressed a hand into his temples, frustrated beyond measure. "Could you please handle that before I lose it?"

"Right," she nodded and lifted him into her arms. "Come here, baby. Poe—damn it, where's Poe?"

"Seriously, Doom?" Tony sighed. "She's barely three-feet tall."

"She's one fast fucking four-year-old."

"No cursing," Tony placed his hand around Chip's ear just as he said it and made a pained grimace. "Just go, please. And find my daughter."

"Riri," Elle nodded at the stunned prodigy as Victor departed with an angry growl at his night being ruined. "Keys to the closet?"

Shaun waved the silver set with a jangle instead. "Right here."

∞

Peter sniffed out death before it arrived.

He heard the sharp clacking of footsteps, the jangle of, what he assumed was, scythes being sharpened and the doorknob jiggling. The stench of cleaner and wet mops stuffed into him on either side and he had thought of breaking down the door but, he did not want to draw out attention. 

He still was in a party full of superheroes and supervillains.

The door cracked open and Peter blinked slowly, adjusting to the bright lights. A mystic aura surrounded the man who held out a hand and Peter smiled in peace.

"Jesus?" He whispered.

"After I'm done with you, you'll wish I was."

"Mr Stark?" Peter furrowed his brows. "Wha—woah!"

A terse grip had settled on his collar, gripping him out and holding him up. Peter stumbled to his feet, his vision clearing to the clearing of people who stood in front of him. He straightened his shirt and adjusted his collar while clearing his throat.

"How's it going, everyone?" Peter greeted.

"I've slipped into the seventh circle of hell and you?" Tony bit out, folding his arms under his chest.

"I'm—"

"The same waste of potential I've always been?" Riri filled for him.

"No, I—"

"Mean, I'm gay."

"I'm not—"

"Straight."

"Mr Stark!" Peter whined.

"Shut up, Peter," Tony held up a hand. "You were supposed to take care of the twins, remember? For ten minutes!"

"I swear I was," he reasoned, "but then, these two locked me up!"

Elle raised a brow. "Why, exactly?"

Peter's cheeks coloured a deep red, his voice going down to a squeak. "It's a long story."

"They know," Shaun finished. "And it's a pretty short story."

"Nothing bad happened though, right?" Peter tried.

"Sure," Tony said dryly. "These are the faces of people who want to shower you with praises."

"I found the kid," Victor stated ecstatically as he held Poe. Like some rag doll, his large hands held Poe at her armpits and showing it off like she was a prize he had won. 

"Great," Tony said, looking around to make a headcount. "One, two, three on the rooftop."

"Margo's on the roof?" Riri asked.

"Roof? I thought she was here," Elle mused.

"Am I going to get paid for this?" Victor grumbled, attempting to operate Poe who was giggling as she tried to reach for his shiny, green tie. "I won't take less than a hundred."

"I already did," Riri shrugged. "Fifty bucks."

Shaun scoffed. "What, seriously? I'm hurt, now."

"I never gave you—" Tony's jaw dropped and looked to a sheepish Elle. "You."

"Look, we—"

"I can't believe you!"

"Wait, you're getting paid?" Peter asked, his eyes widened.

"Everybody, shut it!"

∞