When life really hits you, you know?

I'm never one to express my true feelings here, I always want to seem positive, happy, others to look to in case they're going through shit.

I guess my walls just finally collapsed after four months of just holding shit in.

Sorry about my absence for a few days, that wasn't cool.

But the thing is, it relieved me. I wasn't stressed about constantly having to update shit, make covers, or just deal with fucking assholes who I prove wrong.

Many of you guys would say "I couldn't live without Wattpad."

The shitty thing is, I can. I closed off every social media app except twitter these past few days because it's actually a place I know I'll be happy in.

Thank you to the very very few people who were concerned about my wellbeing.

When I mean few, I mean only like two people.

I didn't think anyone would notice tbh.

So, I never rant about anything negative, I just don't. I don't want to be seen as a depressing shit.

So I'm saying that my life isn't as perfect and glittering with gold as you might think.

It's pretty much opposite.

I hate saying this, but I'm sad for myself.

When someone close to you finally points out all your flaws you've been pushing aside for years and you can't stop crying.

I never wanted to type this for you guys because I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I guess I should at least let you guys know I'm not okay.

I'm not, and it's really hard. It's one of the most difficult things to admit for me.

I'm not okay, and I haven't been okay for a long time.

Just so you guys understand.

It just all came crashing down a few days ago in realization with all the other problems going on in my family and myself.

I haven't felt this disappointed/sad since freshman-sophomore year when I struggled with depression.

God, I hate that word.

I'm just kinda scared of myself right now.

Couple nights ago, I did something I'm not happy with and it's still bugging me.

No I didn't hurt myself physically in any way shape or form, I promise you that.

But I think I hurt myself mentally.

You don't have to read this because I'm just relieving myself right now. I know, my life is literal shit.

That's why I put it in the description of this rant book since I made it. I'm not just being a meme, but it's the truth. I've had a few people tell me "Your life, SHIT?! Hardly!"

I just never post about what's going on negatively, and I guess that just came back and shot me.

I don't know if you guys wanna read anymore depressing shit, but I can't explain how sad I am. It's hard to be happy.

I'll still warn you, you don't have to read this. This part is really sad.

A couple nights ago after everything just fell apart, I went to my bathroom. Just to wash off my makeup, shower, etc. for a few minutes, I just stared at my face that was completely ruined by crying in the car, and I just did something I'm not proud of. It's still bugging me.

Lol final warning guys, if you're still reading this. Y'all are cool though.

I picked up a random liquid eyeliner and used it as a pen to write stuff. Without thinking, I just wrote a few words.

Ugly, skinny, weak-minded, unhealthy, disgusting, dumb.

Now THIS is what I'm not proud of.

I didn't just write them on paper, but I wrote it on my face, then asked myself "what would it be like if I didn't exist?" I looked at my reflection for another minutes before wiping it all off with makeup wipes, then had deep thoughts when I showered.

So over the last couple days, that's what's been on my mind.

Fuck, this is stupid.

I hope this doesn't change what y'all think about me, but you guys have the right to know because I was absent for a while.

Next update will be happier, I promise.

Sorry about the shitty update, much love to everyone 💕