"No, don't do this," Joel pleaded as Adam walked from closet to bed and back again, packing his bags. "Let's talk about this first."

Adam barely looked at him, stuffing clothes and belongings into his suitcase. He went into the bathroom and emerged with his toothbrush and toiletries, putting them all into the front pocket of his luggage and closing it with a firm zip. "We have talked and now I have nothing left to say," he told Joel, hauling his suitcase off the bed and walking towards the door.

Joel followed him, trying to get him to stop and listen for a minute. When Adam reached the front door of their apartment, Joel put his hand on the door in an attempt to keep him from walking out. "Wait. Please, I don't want things to end like this," he said. "I don't want things to end at all."

Adam shook his head, not really angry, just exasperated. "Please, don't make this difficult, Joel-"

Joel cupped Adam's face in his hands, looking at him intently. "Please. I don't want to lose you, I can't." Joel's bottom lip trembled and he shook his head, desperate. "I love you so much."

A moment of silence passed between them as Adam set his suitcase on the floor so he could take Joel's hands in his own. He stared at Joel, concerned but resigned. "I love you too," he told him softly. Then he pulled Joel's hands away from his face and sighed, shaking his head. "But I can't do this anymore."

Joel's hope fizzled at his words and his eyes widened with panic. Adam released his hands and bent down to pick up his things again, opening the door despite Joel's pleas for him not to. Joel followed Adam all the way down to parking lot, but Adam had made up his mind and there was no changing it. Just as he was trying to get into his truck, Joel grabbed his arm. "Please," he begged. "Please don't go."

Adam shook his head again and got into the car, closing the door. He sent Joel a small regretful smile before he started the car. "I'm sorry," he said, putting his seatbelt on. He put his hands on the wheel, but for a moment didn't move, just sat there and sighed deeply. Then he looked at Joel and put the car in reverse. "Have a good life."

With that he drove away.

*******

The TV played a monotonous show about something, something boring, a news forum or maybe it was the weather. Joel couldn't have said exactly what it was about, but he couldn't have cared less. He could die, alone, on this couch, covered in dust and he couldn't have cared less about that either. In fact, it probably would've been best that way. Then he'd stop hearing those words replaying over and in his head. A good life? Without Adam, Joel had nothing, much less a life worth living. Adam was-... had been... everything to Joel; and now he was gone. Just... gone.

"Joel..." A voice drifted through the air. "Joel...!" It was like a distant buzzing. It made Joel want to scream at it to stop. It was driving him crazy. Was it...? Adam. Joel frowned. It didn't sound like Adam. It sounded...

"Joel!"

Blinking, Joel came down from his mental cloud and stared up at his sister, Kelly, who was standing over him with upset eyes. He frowned, confused. "When did you get here?" he asked.

"Five minutes ago." She crossed her arms. "I've been calling your name since I walked in the door," she said. Joel just stared at her. She softened her voice and tilted her head with concern. "You haven't been answering my calls and I got worried. Are you okay?"

Joel frowned, as if unsure himself. Kelly shifted uncomfortably, glancing around the apartment. "Joel... You haven't been by the auto shop in almost a week," she explained. "Your apartment could pass for a drug den, and you look as high as a kite yourself." She shook her head. "What is going on with you?"

Joel's frown only deepened as he turned to look around his messy city apartment. There were DVDs and clothes scattered everywhere, the carpet had varying colors spilled all over, and there were beer cans and empty bottles of wine covering the entire coffee table. Miraculously, there were no plates or coffee mugs anywhere, but then again, Joel couldn't remember eating anything recently. Just a lot of alcohol... He looked back up at his sister. "Why are you here?" he asked, ignoring the mess entirely.

Kelly was surprised that and glanced at the door. Then she sat down next to him on the couch, staring at Joel. She looked his up and down, trying to put together the right words. "This isn't healthy," she finally said. "You can't sit here all day, drinking yourself into a stupor. Have you even slept?"

Joel nodded slowly. "I did... twice," he said, dazed. "Then I ran out of beer..."

Kelly closed her eyes, summoning all the patience she could to deal with the man in front of her. "Joel..." She sighed, running her hands through her hair. "This is no way to live. You can't keep going on like this, you have to move on."

Joel didn't even hear her. He was thinking about his dream, the one he'd had the last time he'd slept. One... maybe two days ago. It had been about Adam. Adam and his gentle smile, his kind eyes, his soft hair, dark as chocolate. In the dream his lips tasted like those raspberry candies he liked so much; sweet, tangy. There was an underlying hint of caramel too, mixed in to match his eyes. He had cried in the dream. Adam had asked why he was crying, but all he could do was say he was sorry and begged for Adam's forgiveness, clinging to him desperately. Desperate for Adam's love, but also simply for his scent, and his breath in Joel's hair, and the feeling of Joel's arms around him and his around Joel. That's what he wanted to feel.

Joel woke up crying, still sitting in the same spot on the couch he'd been occupying for the last few days feeling cold and smelling only the musk of his trashed apartment and tasting the cloying alcohol on his tongue like a constant reminder that those raspberry lips were gone to him forever. Joel hadn't had the courage to sleep after that. His eyes would droop and his brain slowly became sluggish with exhaustion, but he wouldn't let himself fall asleep. He'd just drink, and watch the news, and pretend like Adam wasn't always in his head, telling him to "have a good life." He might've slept a couple of times, but if he had he didn't remember. The alcohol probably wiped most of his dreams away, if he'd been lucid enough to dream at all.

Kelly was still watching him, concern etched into her features. Then she calmly wrapped her hand around the can of beer that Joel was still holding. For a moment, his gripped tightened, enough to crush the aluminum inwards. But then Kelly shushed him and prided his hand away, taking it from him to place on the coffee table with the other twenty. "Let's get you into a shower," she said. "You smell like an old bar."

The mention of a shower reminded him of the many times he and Adam had tried and almost failed to fit together in his small, cramped tub. It had been a squeeze, but they'd always managed to fit themselves back-to-chest. Joel had never liked tight spaces, but he found when Adam was near it never bothered him. He liked being close to Adam because Adam felt like home... Taking a shower by himself sounded dismal and he resisted standing. "Doesn't matter..." he murmured.

"It matters to me, now get up you slug." Kelly looped his arm over her shoulders and made him stand, helping him stumble rather awkwardly into the small bathroom down the hall and easing him down on the floor so she could take his clothes off and get him in the tub. "You're lucky I'm your sister," she said with a wry smile. "Otherwise I'd just leave you here to rot like a real drunk."

Joel looked up at her as she turned the water on. "I'm drunk...?"

Kelly glanced back at him, smiling small. "Quite, but don't worry, after a good night's rest and a cup of coffee, you'll be right as rain," she promised. Joel stared at her with this distant look in his eye and her confidence faltered. "What?"

"Do you love me?"

Kelly squeezed some water out of the washcloth in her hands. "What are you going on about?" she asked with a frown.

Joel grabbed her hand, looking upset again. "Please... tell me."

She sighed and pulled his hand away so she could start scrubbing at his sweaty skin. "Yes, I love you. Would I come here to check on you if I didn't?"

"Why?" he asked. "Why do you love me...?"

She shrugged, still working at getting him clean. "Because... Because you're my brother," she said simply.

Joel's eyebrows came together and he dropped his eyes. "Is that the only reason...?" he asked softly, more to himself than to her.

Kelly's hands slowed and she looked away for a moment, trying to gather what to say. However, after a moment, she shook her head and went back to scrubbing. "You don't know what you're saying," she told him firmly.

He sat back, letting her clean him without realizing she was doing so. He thought he knew what he was saying, but if he really was as drunk as she said he was maybe he didn't. Absentmindedly, his eyes drifted across the bathroom to the mirror above the sink. He distantly remembered dropping an empty bottle of beer on the floor as he stumbled into the bathroom to stare into that mirror with red eyes, sweat beading on his forehead. He'd leaned close, his eyes heavy with drunkenness. Then his face had screwed with anger and he sneered at his own reflection. Before he knew it, he'd slammed his fist into the glass and shattered it, sending shards flying everywhere, cutting his bare arms and his knuckles until there was enough blood to drip heavily onto the tiles below.

He clenched his fist remembering it, but when the painful cuts protested from the stretch the anger went out of him once more and he looked down. Where had he received those cuts? He couldn't fully recall. Maybe he'd had a bar fight, though he didn't think he'd been to a bar recently. Joel considered asking Kelly about it, but he doubted she would know. He hadn't seen her in weeks anyways. When he thought about that, he frowned and looked up at his sister again. "Wait... When did you get here?" he asked for the second time that evening.

The expression of inexplicable hurt on Kelly's face was undeniable. She stared at him for a minute, looking like she might cry; a rare occurrence. His sister did not cry. She was much stronger than him in that respect, she had to be. They wouldn't have made it this far in life without that strength.

However, if she did cry, Joel didn't get to see it because the next second she abruptly stood up and left the room, dropping the washcloth on the side of the tub with a wet splat! The door slammed closed behind Kelly as she walked into the living room. Her eyes were watering and she had to take a minute to gather herself. She'd never seen her brother this way. All her life, her baby brother had been the happy one, the one to try to lift other's spirits when they were down. This wasn't like him... He wasn't this kind of person. Kelly wiped at her eyes, swallowing thickly. She had no idea what to do.

She was still standing there, trying to hold herself together when the bathroom door creaked open behind her. She turned quickly. "Joel," she said, seeing him look out at her from the bathroom, appearing confused. She sniffled and hastily cleared the tears from her face, hurrying over to him. "You shouldn't walk around naked," she fussed, grabbing him a towel, half surprised there was even a clean one to begin with. "You'll catch a cold."

After drying him off properly and helping him into some fresh clothes, she took him to bed. He sat down obediently, but resisted when she tried to make him lay back. He didn't look at her and she sighed. "Come on, you need to sleep." She pushed again at his shoulders, but he didn't budge.

"I don't want to sleep," he said, sounding like a little kid again.

Kelly knelt down so that she was level with his face. She looked him in the eye, her hands on his knees. "I know..." she said, because she really did. She could see the pain in his eyes, hear it in his voice. It was breaking her almost as much as he was broken. "I know. But I promise it'll be better in the morning. You'll feel better if you just sleep."

Joel stared at her expressionlessly before finally nodding. He allowed her to lay him down on his back and slip the blankets over him. As she was standing up to leave, however, he grabbed her arm. She looked back down at him. He frowned. "You're not... going to leave too, right?" he whispered, painfully soft in the darkness of the room.

Kelly smiled at him and put her hand over his. "No. I won't leave you. I'll be here when you wake up," she promised.

That seemed enough to reassure him and he nodded, releasing her arm and rolling away to face the wall. Kelly stood there for a few more seconds, wondering if he'd really sleep or if he'd stare at the wall all night. She wouldn't blame him if he did the latter, but she really hoped he'd get some rest. After picking up all the beer cans from the floor to prevent anymore drinking, Kelly left the room, closing the door with a soft click. For a moment, she listened to see if he'd try to get out of bed, but when she heard nothing, she made her way back to the sitting room. The clocked ticked by on the nearby wall as she went around picking up the apartment to the best of her abilities. It was such a mess.

The clock had just ticked past 1:00am when she lifted a magazine from the floor and found Joel's phone lying beneath it. She picked it up with a disappointed frown. It could get stepped on and broken that way. Blowing off the dust that had assembled on it in the past week, she turned it on. Surprisingly, it still had half a charge to it. She got to her feet and was about to set it on the coffee table when she had a thought. After pulling up Joel's contacts, she pulled out her own phone and dialed.

******

Joel woke too hot and very disoriented. The light coming in through his bedroom window was far too bright to be sunlight, it was more like a spotlight shining right into his face. He scrunched up his nose and threw his arm over his eyes to block out the light. Where was he? The world just seemed like one big blurry, painful blob of colors. He groaned softly and rolled onto his stomach to bury his throbbing head in his pillow. He felt like death.

It took him a while, but finally the world slowed to less of a whirl and more of a spin, and he was able to push himself up to his elbows. Blinking groggily, he looked around his room, surveying the mess with decided indifference. Then he rubbed his eye with his palm and rose from his bed, stumbling to the door. He needed water. His throat and tongue felt like sandpaper and he was burning up. If he didn't find something to drink in the next five seconds-

He practically fell into the living room in his haste, but stopped short at the sight before him. The sound of humming filled the room as Kelly washed the dirty dishes in the kitchen. The glasses clinked as she set them in the small dishwasher that Joel owned. Joel stared at her, his memory hazy. "Kelly."

She looked up and her face broke into a smile. "Morning, sleeping beauty. How'd you sleep?"

He shook his head, confused. "Uh... fine, I guess." He didn't remember the last time he'd seen her. She must have come over while he was sleeping. With a deep sigh, he decided to skip the water, even though he was dying for it, and drop onto the couch. He vaguely wondered how his apartment had gotten to clean, but he was too exhausted to wonder for very long. All he could think about was going back to sleep for another week.

Kelly turned off the kitchen sink and dried her hands. Then she walked over to sit next to him, obviously having thought of his needs without him even having to ask. She held a glass of water in front of him. "Here. Morning breath probably doesn't taste all that great," she said.

Joel took the glass and stared at the clear liquid. There was something in the bottom of the cup. "What's that?" he asked.

"Hangover medicine. I found it in your cabinet. It'll make the headache go away," Kelly explained.

Joel wracked his brain, trying to think of when he might've bought something like that, but eventually decided he didn't care as long as it made that awful throbbing cease. He tipped his head back and drank it. It tasted awful, bitter; and gritty. He swished the last mouthful around for a few seconds to wash away any remaining flavors before swallowing quickly. He slammed the cup down on the coffee table and held a hand to his mouth. Kelly watched him cautiously. Joel glanced at her and she quickly smiled. He frowned. "What?"

"Nothing. I was just making sure you drank all of it," she said.

His eyebrows drew together for a moment before his stomach lurched suddenly and he ran into the bathroom so fast he practically slid across the tiles. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet just as all the bile in his stomach came back up the wrong way. Kelly leisurely walked over from the living room and leaned against the doorframe. "Salt water," she said. "You need to get all that beer out of your system."

He coughed and leaned over the toilet. "You're a horrible sister," he managed to groan before more stomach content pushed itself up his throat again.

Kelly chuckled and crossed her arms. "Yeah, I know." Then she turned to head back to the living room. "Breakfast is on the table when you're ready for it."

Suffice to say, Joel wasn't ready for his breakfast for a good while. He spent the majority of the morning in the bathroom, and then the next hour laying on the couch feeling more like death than he had when he'd first got up that morning. He remembered the night before in pieces, but that was about as far back as he could recall. His already terrible mood plummeted to an even worse state of mind and he resigned himself to sleeping through the day. He didn't have anything else to do anyways. He'd probably been fired for missing so many days of work, and based on the countless missed calls from friends, they'd all given up on him by now too. He might as well just die alone on his freshly cleaned couch. It wasn't really a bad way to go if one thought about it.

It wasn't until Kelly came into the room at around 3:00pm that he finally opened his eyes again. She stood over him with a plate in her hand. He rolled away from her to face the inside of the couch and grunted his displeasure. "I don't want to talk to you," he said.

She set the plate down on the coffee table. "You haven't had a proper meal in days," she said, sitting beside him.

He snorted and got up, leaving her by herself and ignoring the food entirely. She sighed, but sat silently as he went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. She listened to him rifle around before he swore loudly with frustration. "Where's my Jack Daniel's!" he shouted. "You better not have tossed them!"

Joel stormed back into the room, furious. "Kelly-"

"I won't let you keep drinking yourself silly," she snapped before he could finish. She opened her mouth to say more, but had to stop and breathe. Then she said, "What I saw last night was not what any sister should have to see. I won't see it again, I swear I won't let you do this to yourself."

There was a bit of shame in Joel's expression, but only just. Being depressed was a stupid excuse for his drinking, but at this point it was the only excuse he had. "I'm sorry, Kelly, but you haven't been allowed to make choices for me for a long time," he said. "Certainly not this choice."

She watched him, looking sad. Sad for him or sad for his situation, Joel couldn't tell. Kelly had always been one of those people who you could never tell. One day she'd say you were her favorite person in the entire world, and the next she wouldn't want to have anything to do with you. In short, she was a very detached sort of person, always able to easily change her mind to suit her needs. That's why no one ever saw her cry. Joel swore, the only consistency about her was the color of her eyes.

After a long moment of silence, Kelly sighed. She stood up calmly and walked towards him. "Why don't we go have dinner tonight?" she suggested with a smiled. "My treat."

Joel shook his head. "I don't really feel like it."

"Oh..." Kelly nodded in understanding as she patted his upper chest with both hands. Then she lifted her eyes to look him in the face. "Let me say this again, slower this time. We're having dinner at Alistair Gardens at seven o'clock sharp," she said. Joel tried to open his mouth to protest, but she was already grabbing her purse and heading out. Just before she slammed the door she called back, "You better be there, on time and sober, or I'll be back to drag you there myself!"

*******

Alistair Gardens was a nice restaurant, one you didn't have dinner at wearing jeans and t-shirt. That being said, Joel was highly tempted to take a long walk to the far side of the city to avoid having to be personally marched to dinner. However, he wasn't that horrible a brother so he scrounged around for a clean dress shirt and some slacks before catching a taxi to the restaurant at around 6:30 pm. True to her word, Kelly was waiting at a table for two at 7:00 pm, checking her watch as she waited for Joel to arrive. She looked relieved to see him walk through the restaurant doors. She probably was, Joel had purposefully missed dinner dates with her before.

"Glad to see you made it," she said when he was finally seated. She paused. "Did you drive?"

"I got a taxi," Joel said shortly.

Another look of relief. "That's probably for best. In your shape, you really shouldn't be driving-"

"Yes, Kelly. Thank you yet again for reminding me how much of a screw up I am." Joel cut her off mid-sentence, annoyed by her incessant need to act like a mom. He had to resist kicking the table leg. "I know perfectly well the sort of shape I am in and what my limits are."

Kelly closed her mouth at his sharp tone of voice, and looked down. He was angry and she knew it. "Sorry..."

His first thought was that she should be, but Joel hadn't meant to snap at her. When he saw how his words had affected his sister, his frustration diminished and he relaxed in his chair. He sighed heavily. "Let's not fight," he said. "I'm sick of fighting."

That made Kelly relax too and she smiled at him. "Me too."

They had dinner together and it was actually quite pleasant. Joel was still not his usually chirpy self, but in the two hours they were together he managed to almost forget about the roiling guilt in the back of his subconscious. At one point he tried to order a beer, but Kelly intervened and told the waiter he could only have water or tea. He frowned at her for that, but when she gave him a look he relented. She was probably right to restrict his alcohol. As it had been very obvious, he was an emotional drunk. They ate, and talked, and discussed political things, and when the clock ticked its way to a little after 9:30 pm Joel actually smiled. It was small, but Kelly's laugh was contagious and he couldn't resist the quirk of his lips when she burst into uncontrollable laughter when he told the story about his friend from high school; the one he had dumpster dived with at this very restaurant. They hadn't needed to, they just wanted to see if they could get away with it. They had, while also deciding that simply ordering the expensive food was a lot less smelly.

"I had no idea you were a dumpster diver! Does Ms. Williams know you did that?" she asked, referring to the woman who had fostered them since Joel was seven-years-old.

"Do you know the beating I would've received for that?" Joel shook his head, chuckling. "Absolutely not."

Still laughing, Kelly shook her head. "She'd have grounded you, that's what she'd have done. For a month."

"For a year," Joel corrected.

Just then Kelly smiled, but it didn't really look like she was smiling at him, more past him, like she was seeing something; maybe in her mind's eyes. Joel couldn't tell. Then she picked up her purse. Joel started to stand, but she waved a hand at him dismissively. "I'm just running to the bathroom, you made me laugh all my makeup off," she said, wiping under her eye.

Joel sat back obediently and she patted his shoulder as she passed. He thought she was going to say something, but she simply passed him and started walking away. He sighed, feeling a little better than he had that morning. The lights from the chandeliers above their table glimmered brightly in the darkness around their patio table. There was quite a bit of chatter from nearby tables, but Joel easily tuned it out. Half because he didn't care, and half because the majority of other guests were couples. It sounded childish to say aloud, but Joel didn't want to see the happiness of those around him. It only served as a painful reminder of what he no longer had. So instead, he turned his attention to the other senses, what he could see, what he could smell. There was sweet smells, wine and syrups from deserts, but there were also salty smells, meats and cheeses from expensive dinners. Those scents combined with the clinking of glasses and utensils made for a calming sensation. It made Joel feel as if there were a million things happening and only he was aware enough to take notice. He closed his eyes and sighed. What bliss...

"Joel."

The voice was all too familiar and Joel's eyes were snapping open before he even realized it was his own name being called. He stared up at the newcomer standing across the table from him, shocked. For a moment, neither said a word. Then Joel stood up hastily. "Adam."

Adam looked somewhat uncomfortable in his spot a few feet away, shifting from foot to foot uneasily. He cleared his throat. "Hey, I saw you sitting here by yourself and I just thought I'd say hello," he said.

Joel was equally uncomfortable, but definitely more nervous than Adam. At first, he didn't even hear what Adam had said, only watched the rise and fall of his tongue as he had spoken, almost too surprised he was even seeing it. However, when Adam called his name again, he finally realized that Adam had indeed spoken and was now waiting for a response. "I'm not by myself," Joel said quickly, trying to avoid making things awkward, though he knew he already had. "Kelly's just gone to fix her makeup."

Adam nodded, hands in his pockets. "Oh..." he said, but he didn't seem surprised. They both fell silent and Joel began to wish he could disappear. Then Adam asked, "Do you mind if I join you? Just until Kelly comes back."

Joel almost said no because he didn't want to sit with Adam, he didn't want to talk to him. Not the real Adam; he could barely stand to talk with the Adam he knew only in his dreams. But before he could speak up in his own defense, his head nodded of its own accord and gestured to a chair. "Of course."

Adam looked relieved not to have been rejected and pulled out the chair across from Joel, the two of them taking their seats once more. Joel tried not to look at Adam, but he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering just slightly. Adam was dressed in a soft grey suit, the white shirt contrasting well with his dark hair and pale complexion. The two buttons at the top were undone and Joel tried to avert his eyes to keep from rudely staring at the familiar skin there. However, when he moved his eyes to find something else to look at, he met Adam's cool blue ones and couldn't help feeling a little mesmerized. Sure, it had only been a week since he'd last seen him, but he honestly looked no different than before. His lips looked as soft as Joel remembered them, and his jawline just as sharp, set with determination. Joel had always liked that about Adam, his nerves of steel. He never back down from a challenge and he wasn't afraid of anything. Joel admired him for that. He admired Adam for a lot of other things too, but that was just the one that came to mind when he looked at Adam. However, something seemed a little off. Joel couldn't quite place it. Maybe it was his cheeks and just under his eyes. He looked tired. Unusual for Adam.

Joel didn't realize he was staring so obviously until Adam spoke up. "So, have you been well?" he asked.

Joel blinked and came out of his trance. "'Well'...?" He dropped his eyes. "Not really..." Adam shifted in his chair and Joel reiterated. "But it's fine. I just haven't slept good the past few nights."

"Oh..." Adam looked down, distinctly guilty.

That made Joel feel guilty because he didn't want Adam to blame himself. It hadn't been anyone's fault. Not his, nor Adam's. But he couldn't seem to open his mouth and express this to Adam so he said nothing, just sat with his hands folded in his lap, neither of them looking at each other. The atmosphere grew tense and Joel took a sip of his water, barely able to swallow it, his throat was so tight. Why wasn't Adam saying anything? Why couldn't Joel speak himself? He wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. This was uncomfortable. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so anxious in Adam's presence; maybe on their first date. God, his stomach was in so many knots, he wanted to throw up again.

Finally, unable to take the silence any longer, Joel stood up. "Excuse me," he said, his legs feeling like Jell-O, "I'm going to find out what's taking Kelly so long."

He hastened to leave as quickly as he could, but Adam's words stopped him in his tracks. "She's not coming back."

Joel looked back at him uncertainly. "What?"

Adam looked uncomfortable again. He sighed. "Kelly called me last night," he said, looking at Joel directly for the first time. "She asked me to see you. She said that you were really messed up and if I just talked to you-"

"Kelly called you?" Joel asked, appalled by his sister's actions. He couldn't believe this. "I-... I am so sorry, I don't know what she was thinking-"

"No." Adam's immediate response as he stood up shocked Joel silent. Adam sighed and looked around. "Can we just talk normally? I want to know how you're doing."

Joel didn't want to tell him how he was doing, but he reluctantly took his seat again, slouching like a grumpy teen. Adam frowned at that, but didn't mention it. "Is work at the garage going well?" he asked.

Joel shrugged. "I haven't been to work in a while."

"Why?"

That wasn't something Joel wanted to tell him either. He chewed his lip. "I... I just didn't feel up to it," he said. Joel took another sip of water and frowned at the lack of taste.

It looked like Adam was trying to decide what to ask next. "Have you been drinking...?" he asked.

"No," Joel lied.

"Kelly already told me everything," Adam said.

"Then why did you even bother to ask...?" Joel slid down farther in his seat, scowling. He didn't need Adam, of all people, telling him what he should or shouldn't be doing. If he wanted to drink, they should just let him drink himself to death. It was on him and no one else.

"Joel..."

"I'm fine," Joel said with more attitude than he'd meant.

That seemed to make Adam angry and he leaned forward. "This is exactly why I left," he snapped, catching Joel by surprise and wiping the annoyed look right off his face. He sat up a little, but Adam wasn't done. "It's because you're obviously not fine that I ask. Do you know how many nights I waited up for you until all hours of the morning, afraid you wouldn't walk through that door? Only to see you stumble in looking like you'd been hit by a car? You're not okay, Joel. You weren't then and you aren't now, but you won't just talk to me."

"Adam-"

But Adam was already standing up, glaring at him. "I can't live with someone who refuses to talk to me. It's not fair to me," he said. Then he turned and walked away.

The tables around him had gone deathly silent, drawn by the sudden raise in voices. Joel didn't move, just stared after him, shocked. He had never seen Adam so upset. Upset at Joel. Just then he caught sight of his sister standing just inside the doors to the restaurant. She looked at him exasperated before nodding her head in the direction Adam had gone. "Go get him," she mouthed, and Joel didn't need any other words before he was out of his chair and running; running for Adam.

He ran through the restaurant and out the front doors. He stopped just outside and looked around, searching for Adam. Then he saw him. He was sitting on a bench across the street, head in his hands. Joel started toward him, desperate to let out everything he was feeling. "Adam," he said. Adam looked up, surprised. Joel clenched his fists. "What do you want to hear me say? That the bruises hurt? Because they do. That I have a drinking problem? Because I do. That most nights I hardly sleep when I'm alone? Because it's true." He was halfway across the street. "You want to hear these things, but as soon as I say them they become real. They become not only my burden, but yours too."

He was all the way across the street and Adam had stood up, still looking shocked. Joel took his hands and held them. "I grew up like a street rat. Besides Kelly, I don't even have a family. I have anxiety and depression and there are days when I'm not sure if I should go to work or swallow a bullet." Adam's eyes widened when he said that, but Joel kept talking. "I don't tell you these things because I don't want you to know. They're painful and sometimes I hate myself because I know I can't change any of it," Joel said. He lifted his hands so he could hold Adam's face. "And I love you so much that I'm afraid of what you'll think of me if you see the ugly parts. Because there are so many ugly parts..."

Adam put his hand over Joel's, looking like he might cry. Joel's own throat was so tight he almost couldn't get out the next words. "Someone like me, doesn't deserve someone like you."

A silence fell around them and Joel couldn't look at Adam, he kept his eyes on the concreted between their feet. It was sink or swim at this point. Whatever Adam said next would either save him, or break him. But Joel's expectations were completely shattered with Adam's next words. "Is that what you were worried about?" he asked.

His question caught Joel off-guard and he flinched. However, when he looked up at Adam he saw he was smiling. Adam stepped back, running a hand through his hair before looking at Joel again. "Joel, everyone has ugly parts," he said. "And I would not hesitate to accept them right along with every wonderful part of you."

Those words felt like a door opening, one that Joel had only ever seen closed and locked. Relief flooded through him and he found he had no idea how to respond. It didn't matter, Adam was already taking the initiative as he leaned in to brush his lips against Joel's, hands finding his love's and intertwining their fingers. When he pulled back it was only a few inches. "And believe me, the wonderful parts far outnumber the ugly ones."