TW: Mentions of suicidal ideation and depression.  

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When BTS first got together, Jin was ecstatic about being the oldest. His mindset was that he gets to boss everyone around and he gets to be in charge of the house. Although he realized he was a lot softer than he ever thought he'd be and let the members get away with everything anyways, especially his maknae line. He thought they were so cute that in his eyes they could do no wrong.

Lately he wasn't feeling all that great about being the oldest anymore. Over the years he started to get stressed out about it. Sometimes he found himself upset that he never had his own hyung to turn to, and although he felt bad about it, sometimes he got frustrated with just how dependent his dongsaengs had become on him. He loved them to no end, but it was a heavy burden to bare.

The past couple weeks had been rough. Jin was dealing with a lot at once. He was in the middle of dealing with a lot of hate online about his singing and dancing, he honestly didn't even know why all the hate started or where it had come from. In a recent interview the host even had the audacity to turn to Jin and say, "So I hear you're the worst dancer of the group." To which all of the members immediately jumped to his defense and told the host that they were all equal and that Jin is the most hardworking of them all and has nothing but their respect. Jin had gotten quiet after that. He started rewatching dance videos of them and concluded himself to actually be the worst dancer, although his members kept telling him it's all in his head. His self-esteem dropped to an all time low from there on out. He acted happy in front of the cameras and his fans and his dongsaengs but deep down he was dealing with an internal sadness he didn't truly know how to express.

To add fuel to that fire was something that happened to Taehyung while they were on a trip they were documenting for ARMY. Jin had somewhat jokingly pressured Taehyung into 'rock climbing' the side of a mountain. Jin didn't expect Taehyung to ever actually try, and even yelled at him when he started climbing up a wall of rocks. The second maknae wanted to show his hyung how high up he could go, but he ended up slipping and falling which resulted in a broken finger and sprained wrist. Jin felt absolutely terrible and begged the company to leave that part out of their documentary, but the company claimed "people will wonder what happened to Taehyung half way through the trip," so they added the entire scene.

After that is seemed like the entire world hated Jin. Taehyung and his members weren't mad in the slightest. The other members even put more of the blame on Taehyung telling him he shouldn't have been stupid, but the way the video came out made it seem like it was all Jin's fault that Taehyung climbed the wall, fell, and got hurt.

Jin was a complete mess after that. I'm the worst dancer and singer of this group. And now I can't even be a good big brother.

His mental state was quickly crumbling. He began avoiding everyone and everything the best he could. He stopped doing Vlive's, he stayed off of WeVerse, he avoided social media at all costs. To make matters worse they had done a few more interviews where the hosts brought up Taehyungs injury and would ask questions like "Do you feel bad that you hurt him like that?" and "Why did you convince him to do something you knew would so be dangerous? Do you even care about your members?" The members always came to his defense and Taehyung would say himself that it was his own fault, not his Jin hyungs. Jin felt like shit anyway.

He had endless tears at night. The pain was becoming unbearable. He felt like he couldn't do anything right and everything was crumbling around him. He didn't know what to do or how to get out of his own thoughts. Until he figured it out.

Just end it, Jin. Just end everything. Nothing will hurt anymore. The members can go on without you, and Yoongi is a much better hyung than me anyway.

So that was the final decision he had made. He would simply end his life, and the pain around him would finally stop.

Throughout the next few days he started keeping to himself a lot. He wanted to distance himself from his members because he felt like the sooner he distances himself now, the less likely they'll be sad when he's gone. He didn't want them to miss him. He wanted the opposite. He wanted them to be happy once he was gone. All he cared about was their happiness. He didn't quite know how he wanted to end his life, but he knew he wanted it to be painless and quick. He would spend most of his time alone 'researching' the best way to do it and he decided on jumping off a bridge into water. He knew of a bridge that was high enough up that once he jumped from it the impact of the water alone would kill him instantly.

He didn't know when he wanted to do it, but he knew at least by the end of the week, and it was already Tuesday. To his surprise, and frustration, his members were aware of his dimming personality and were constantly asking him if he was okay and what was wrong. He constantly lied and said he was just feeling a bit sick, "Maybe it's just a stomach bug or something."

Tuesday night he was looking around his room and realized he had too much stuff. He didn't want the members to have to dig through all of his pointless belongings after he was gone. He didn't want to burden them any further. When nobody was around, he was in his room putting some of his 'useless junk' into trash bags. He came across a ton of framed photos laying in his closet of him and his members and he wasn't sure what to do with them. He figured he'd leave those and let the others decide if they'd like to keep certain ones. He began going through his clothes when he heard a knock on his bedroom door, before he had a chance to open it, he heard someone coming in. He ran out of his closet to be greeted by Taehyung.

"Hyung Jungkookie doesn't feel good," Taehyung told him.

"And what does he want me to do about that?" Jin asked.

"He wants you to make him that special medicine drink you make him when he's sick."

"Can you tell him to just make some tea or something? Hyung is a bit busy."

"Okay," Taehyung said without hesitation and disappeared but five minutes later the oldest was then greeted with his maknae barging into his room.

"Hyung can you please make me that medicine?" Jungkook gave his hyung his little big eyed pouty face. Jin felt bad, he could tell Jungkook must have caught a cold or something because he could hear the scratchiness in his maknae's voice, and he was coughing a bit. "I'm busy Jungkook-ah, just make some tea." Jin couldn't help but feel a bit frustrated, he wanted to get through his belongings quickly. Jungkook stood there pouting at his hyung and Jin gave in. He grabbed the maknae's hand and they walked to the kitchen together and Jin began to make the medicine, until he realized that if he was going to die soon, he needed to teach Jungkook how to make it himself.

"Actually Jungkook-ah, I'm going to teach you how to make this, okay?" Jin said nonchalantly. Jungkook nodded his head and stood next to his hyung. He followed every single direction Jin gave him and made it completely on his own. He took the first sip and frowned.

"What's wrong?" Jin asked confused.

"This isn't right."

"What do you mean it's not right? That's how I always make it. I gave you my exact recipe and you did everything correctly."

"It's not right because you didn't make it."

"Jungkook-ah it doesn't matter which one of us makes it, it's the same recipe either way."

Jungkook took the cup and held it out towards Jin, "It's not the same though. You have to make it. Please? It only tastes right when you do it."

Jin stared at Jungkook and gave in once again. I guess I can make him his medicine one last time.

Jin made the exact same drink the exact same way they had just done and handed it to Jungkook. Jungkook took a big sip and smiled, "Mmm hyung!! Thank you!! It tastes right now!" Jungkook hugged him tightly and disappeared. He stood there for a moment and looked at the poured out drink still lingering in the sink and couldn't help but think of how he'll miss his maknae.

He went back into his room to go back through his clothes to find a bunch of old shirts that Taehyung had once begged for but had been told no to. He gathered them up and carried them over to Taehyung's room, knocking on the door. Taehyung opened it and he went in holding the shirts .

"Do you still want any of these?" Jin asked.

"Ohhh hyung!" Taehyung said while beginning to caress and look through the shirts, "Why? You told me before I couldn't have any of these."

"Well, I'm...doing some spring cleaning and haven't worn any of this in a while and figured maybe you'd still want some.." Jin tried to hide his sorrow. Taehyung asked for a handful of the shirts and excitedly thanked his hyung for the kind gesture, hugging him goodnight.

Once Jin finished doing all of that he lay back down in bed and tried to read more about suicide and what he should expect, although everything he read was just peoples speculations and opinions considering everyone who'd ever done it hadn't lived to post about it on the internet. He couldn't help but think about Jungkook and his medicine. He'll be fine. He knows how to make it now. He just wanted me to make it because he gets emotional when he's sick sometimes. Jin told himself he doesn't need to worry about his maknae. He had other hyungs who always took care of him too. He'd be alright.

On Wednesday, dance practice seemed useless to Jin. He wasn't into it at all and didn't even try to be. Namjoon asked him if he was still having stomach issues and when he lied and said yes Namjoon mentioned going to the doctor.

"I'll be alright," Jin replied.

"But you're not getting any better hyung. We're worried," Namjoon gestured to the rest of his members and they all nodded in agreement. Their Jin hyung had seemed sick for days with no improvement.

"Ahhh Namjoon-ah...don't worry...hyung will be just fine," Jin patted Namjoon on the back and looked to the rest of the members. And you all will be just fine, too.

Hobi asked if there was anything they could do for him and he said no. Jungkook offered to make Jin the medicine drink he was just taught to make, but his hyung politely declined. I don't want medicine. I want freedom from the prison that is my head.

The rest of the day after practice was spent pretty lowkey. They didn't have much of a schedule until next week, although Jin knew that after Friday most of their plans would probably be changing for the members, although he wished and hoped they didn't. He wanted them to continue like nothing even happened and to just move on once he completed what he needed to do. Jimin and Hobi came to him asking if they could hang out, but Jin told them he felt like being alone for the time being. He just wanted to sleep. He lay in bed and spent a lot of time reading the hate comments. Although the video had been out for a while now, many people were still on the subject of how "Jin broke Taehyungie's arm. Some big brother. Who is he going to hurt next? Hope to god its not his precious maknae." Jin began to sob after that one. He'd never hurt any of them the way the anti's online were making it sound. His heart broke over and over again. He switched from those comments to the ones about his dancing and singing and he cried even more, reminding himself that in just two days it would all be over.

Thursday came quickly. Today they were supposed to be working on their individual songs in their studios, but Jin found himself playing games on his computer the entire time instead. He didn't care about timelines or mixtapes anymore. Everything around him suddenly didn't even matter. He started to contemplate life and think about how in reality, nothing mattered all that much. We all die anyway so what's really the point?

At home he decided to help Yoongi and Hobi make dinner knowing this would be the last time he'd ever do it. While they sat around the dinner table, Jin stared at his members who were smiling and laughing together. He tried to hide his sorrow and gestured fake smiles and empty laughs. It hurt his heart knowing this is the last time they'd ever sit together at this dinner table as a family of seven, but he once again reminded himself that after tomorrow, it won't matter.

After dinner he went straight to his room and curled up in bed. His heart was feeling broken and bleeding. While he was laying in bed on his phone, suddenly Yoongi slowly came in and threw himself down on Jin's bed to lay right next to him.

"Aish...." Yoongi sighed out.

"Aish is right....Yoongi-ah please... I love you but I'm exhausted and need to be alone right now."

Yoongi completely ignored the statement and rolled over to face his hyung, "I need advice."

Jin sighed, he knew Yoongi wasn't going to listen, "Advice on what?"

Yoongi started getting into some issues he was having with writers block and how he was having trouble finding inspiration around him. He was having doubts about his own singing and dealing with some sadness himself. Jin felt bad hearing Yoongi talk about his feelings ,"I'm sorry but am I really one to give advice on these things? Maybe you should talk with Namjoonie or Hobi-ah. They're both great at advice."

"But I want your advice," Yoongi pouted.

"Why mine?"

"You're my only hyung. My only big brother. Sometimes it's nice hearing an elders perspective. Sometimes you're the only one I can turn to."

Jin felt his heart sink in his chest. He knew Yoongi is a great hyung to the members, and he felt a bit guilty knowing he'd be passing the baton of the 'oldest' on to him, but he figured the rapper would be just fine. He figured Yoongi knew other people older than him so he'd always have someone older to go to for advice when he needed it. Jin gave him the best advice he could offer and Yoongi hugged him with a smile and thanked him for listening to his little rants. "I feel a lot better. I knew I could count on you."

After Yoongi left Jin completely broke down. He didn't have much time to cry though because next up was Namjoon barging in his room. He wondered why everyone seemed clingier than usual lately. Do they subconsciously know I'm leaving and they're just gravitating towards me?

Jin had no idea, but it was making his heart hurt.

"Hyung.." Namjoon started and came over to sit on Jin's bed. He immediately noticed Jin had been crying. "What's wrong?" Namjoon asked concerned .

"Just sick, Joon-ah. That's all."

"You really need to go see the doctor if you're feeling this bad. Are you okay? Is it still your stomach?"

"Yeah, I'll go see one," Jin lied. He didn't have the energy to argue about it and wanted Namjoon to drop the subject. Namjoon made Jin promise to go see the doctor, and he did promise. He realized this was the only promise he'd ever make, and break, which added to his feelings of feeling like the worst hyung ever.

Namjoon mentioned some stresses he was under about some of the leader duties he had to fulfill with upcoming schedules and asked Jin what he thinks he should do and what he thinks would be best for the group.

"I dont know Joon-ah, what do you think the group should do?" Jin asked.

"I don't know either that's why I wanted to ask you first. You're the oldest and smartest one here I wanted to know what you think."

"Incase you forgot, you're the genius here, not me."

"But with age comes wisdom and you're wiser than me."

"That's debatable, Joonie."

Namjoon felt frustrated. He usually always got some kind of advice from his oldest hyung. Thankfully, Jin offered him some of the best stuff he could come up with and was able to send Namjoon happily on his way.

Friday.

They had Friday off that day. Jin was woken up by Hobi and Jimin bursting into his room and begging him to spend the day with them.

"We've barely gotten to spend time with you all week hyungie," Jimin pouted.

"We were thinking of going hiking and then maybe the beach, please come," Hobi begged. Hobi grabbed Jin's arm and tried pulling him out of bed. Jin pulled away. He didn't want to do anything that would stir up his emotional attachment to his members. He wanted to be left alone. Jin claimed he was too tired and maybe another time.

"You've been too tired for everything lately," Jimin crossed his arms and huffed. He was frustrated because he was really missing spending quality time with Jin.

"I'm sorry, just not today okay?" Jin replied. Jimin and Hobi both stood there pouting for a minute before deciding to leave their hyung alone. Jin wanted to spend the whole day in bed before it was time to go. He had it all planned out. He was going to get up, write a letter to his members, short and sweet as to not stir up any emotions, and leave.

Throughout the day various members kept coming in and sitting with him just to hang out and talk. Jungkook was sad when he went in to find his hyung was sleeping, so he just stayed there and took a nap next to him for a little while before leaving. When evening came around Jin woke up and looked at the clock.

It was time.

He got up and quickly grabbed a notepad and pen and wrote a letter to his members. It was hard not expressing all of his feelings but he felt too numb and broken to do it. He placed the note down on the bed and went around the dorm letting his members know he'd be going out for a walk. He would have headed out unannounced but he couldn't bring himself to not see their faces one last time. He loved them so much.

"Hyung it's almost dark out.." Jungkook observed.

"I know. I just need some fresh air."

"Will you be back soon?" Jimin asked, "I could come with you."

"No Jimin-ah, hyung would like to clear his head a bit." Jin completely ignored Jimin's question and headed for the door.

"Be back before it gets dark out, yeah?" Yoongi asked of his hyung. All Jin did was stand at the door and smile at everyone before turning and closing the door behind him.

He felt his bottom lip quiver as tears flowed down his cheeks.

I'll miss you. But things will be better now.

He walked along to the bridge he planned to jump from. It had sidewalks on the edges for sightseeing, all he had to do was climb over a pole and he'd be on the edge with nothing left between him and the water. He decided to sit for a little while to stare at the water below him. He was getting nervous, and without meaning to found himself asking a lot of questions.

Who will make Jungkookie's medicine when he's too sick to do it himself?

Who will become Yoongi's hyung?

Who will give Namjoonie advice?

Who will go with Hobi and Jimin-ah to the beach?

Who will let Taehyung have free reign of their clothes?

As tears spilled out of his eyes he tried to shake the thoughts from his head. As hard as being the oldest was and as badly as he felt lately, he still loved having six dongsaengs. He realized he would have never had it any other way, he loved them so much.

And that's why he had to do this. They will grow more independent and stronger without me. As people and as a team.
--

Taehyung was in his room looking at the clothes Jin gave him and realized he didn't really want some of the shirts so he made his way to Jin's room to return them. He couldn't ignore the fact that his hyungs room was exceptionally clean. Cleaner than he'd ever seen it. It seemed oddly empty too, like all of Jin's 'junk' and clutter was gone. He went into Jin's closet and hung up the shirts for his hyung. I'll let him know I returned these when he gets home. I wonder if he will help Yoongi hyung with dinner tonight, because he does make the best dinners.

When Taehyung finished hanging the shirts, he was heading back out when he noticed a small folded piece of paper on Jin's bed. In his curious nature, he walked over to it and picked it up.

What's this?

He unfolded it and began to read.

To Bangtan,

I'm sorry. Please know this isn't your fault. I love you all so much.

To Jeongukkie - The medicine will taste the same either way, I promise.

To Namjoonie-ah - Keep being the best leader.

To Hobi- I'm sorry I suck at dancing, but thank you for never giving up on me.

To Jiminie - Be good for hyungs. You'll always have plenty of hiking and beach trip partners.

To Yoongi- You're the oldest now, and I know you'll do great.

To Taehyungie - I'm so sorry I hurt you. That was never my intention. You now have free reign of my closet, help yourself. Let the others know you get first dibs, because Jin-hyung said so.

Believe me when I tell you all it's better this way. I love you and ARMY for eternity, which is where I'll be. In eternity. I'll wait for you until the day we are all reunited. In the meantime please look out for eachother. That's an order.

All the best,

Jin Hyung.

Taehyungs hands were shaking and tears were spilling out of his eyes by the time he got to the end of the letter. No..Jin hyung...no..no!

He ran out into the living room waving the letter in his hand, "Guys!!! Kookie, Hyungs! Help! Help! Jin! Jin!" he screamed. The members ran to him, "What what what's wrong?" Jimin asked frantically. Taehyung gestured to the letter, "Is this a suicide note?!" Taehyung screamed. The members snatched it from his hand to read it and broke out in a panic.

"Why would he..?!" Jungkook screamed. All of them tried calling and texting Jin asking if he was okay but got no answer. They broke out in tears.

"Location! Location on his phone!" Hobi said, "We can find him!" He took his phone out of his pocket and was thankful that Jin's location on it was currently active, "He's at the bridge?!" Namjoon screamed. They didn't want to waste any time. All six of them sprinted to where they believed their hyung to be. Their hearts beating hard in their chests with terror and tears spilling from their eyes. Their heads were full of questions about why on earth their oldest would ever feel this bad and choose to do this. When they got to the bridge they saw Jin sitting on the edge, "Hyungie no!!" Screamed Jungkook as he sprinted to his oldest, "Stop! Please! Hyung please!" he kept screaming. All of the members were screaming for him.

When Jin heard them and saw them coming, he didn't know what to do. Jump before they get to you. End this now. No, don't. Stay with them Jin.

The members reached him and without concern for their own safety completely surrounded him. All of the members were gripping tightly onto Jin. They didn't want him to have a single chance to fall from that bridge.

"Hyung....what's this about..why..would ..why would you.." Namjoon started crying. He had the letter in his hand and held it up, "Why....Jin..?"

Jin couldn't hold it in anymore. He was tired of acting okay and strong. He broke down and sobbed into his hands, his members rubbing his back. "I'm so sorry," he cried.

Jungkook couldn't control his own sobbing, "Hyung...why would you ever think this is what any of us would want?"

"I'm a bad hyung.." Jin cried.

"Why the hell would you ever think that?" Taehyung asked while wiping his tears.

"I hurt you.." Jin cried. Taehyung rolled his eyes and told Jin that is absolutely not true and to not believe the stupid rumors spreading online. He reminded Jin that all that mattered was the truth even if they were the only ones that knew it. He also asked why such a small thing would create such tragic emotions. Jin explained that it wasn't just that. It was everything. He explained how he felt like he was failing the entire team, how he felt like the worst singer and dancer in the world, how depressed he'd fallen.

"Hyung you're the hardest working one in the team!" Namjoon cried.

All of their hearts were so broken hearing Jin confess his feelings. They truly had no idea. They asked him why he felt all this pain and why he felt so lowly of himself. He explained the stuff he'd read online and how he had quickly fallen into agreement with it.

"I just....I don't want to die...I just wanted to be happy....and I don't know how.." Jin cried. The members pulled him in tighter and reminded him that he can't let people's online hate effect him.

"They don't know you the way we know you hyung," Jimin reassured. They reminded him of all the times he'd been the best hyung, the best dancer, the best singer, the best shoulder to cry on, the best at giving advice, the best at making dinner, the best at making medicine, how they could never live without him, and so much more.

"We need you..hyung I need you....who the hell ever said I wanted be the oldest?" Yoongi complained.

All of his members words really made Jin's heart lighten up. He felt like the six of them alone had lifted the entire weight that had been sitting on his shoulders and on his heart.

"Please come home hyung, we can't live without you.." Jungkook cried while still holding him tightly in a hug. Jin rested his head into Jungkook's chest and sat silently staring at the water for a moment. He realized this wasn't what he wanted. He wanted his team. His dongsaengs. He wanted to be with them forever, no matter what. After a few minutes of silent tears, Jin finally began to stand up. The members tensed up with nervousness and continued to grip him tightly, not sure of his next move. Jin turned and slowly made his way back to the inside of the railing, helping his members get back over as well.

He put his arms out and everyone grabbed a hold of them. He wiped his tears and smiled.

"Let's go home."

-Fin

As someone who has experienced these emotions please know there is always help. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1 (800) 273 - 8255 .