“Don't worry. Worry is useless. I worried anyway,” - The Fault In Our Stars, now in theatres. 

Chapter 5

When I woke up the next day, I felt infinitely worse than usual. Aside from the fact that I almost didn’t get a wink of sleep, I was struggling with an enormously ugly fact: right now I was a pariah at school, and also a lying cheater. My mother had been waiting for me downstairs with a box of cereal and a scowl in her face because I wasn’t home before my curfew.

The single text inside my phone also reminded me of another person that I’d pissed off badly. Matthew sent me exactly one text asking me where I went. After I explained to him that I wasn’t comfortable having a double date with Noelle and Kevin, he gave me the silent treatment.

I started to really hate myself when my heart leapt and I saw another text message from Marcus. He was coming to pick me up to school, the message said. I was closer and closer to becoming the caricature of a female villain: vindictive and revolting. Nevertheless, I texted back an okay to him.

After a really chilly breakfast, I didn’t bother to kiss my mother goodbye and just got out of the house. Usually I took the bus, but today I saw a Volvo in front of the street.

“Hey you,” Marcus’s face appeared after the window rolled down.

“So was your sleep?” he asked as I got into the car.

“Non-existent, too much pressure and I felt so guilty for having two boyfriends.”

“Don’t forget the part that we’re brothers. You’re basically encouraging fratricide for either of us.”

“Thanks a lot, asshole,” I lightly punched his arm.

“Then again, I don’t really think that what we’re doing counts as cheating, you know, since we haven’t even kissed,” there was a smirk when he said that.

“I kissed Matt two months after we first made it official, a few days before he went to college. I think you might need to wait a bit longer before I get physical with you.”

“I’ll get that kiss in less than a month,” he said as he relaxed himself into the seat.

“What makes you so sure of that?”

“I just am. You seem like you’re crazy about me.”

I rolled my eyes. “I can break up with you right now.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m absolutely sure.”

Unexpectedly, he started to chuckle in amusement. “Let’s try 90 mph,” he said.

A few seconds later, I was screeching inside the car because it was moving in speed that was borderline suicidal.

The time it usually took from my house to the school was twenty minutes, but it was cut to about ten with Marcus’s crazy driving. The next ten minutes, however, was spent panting and trying to regain my wits back.

“Really, don’t break up with me now,” Marcus said as he rummaged through my backpack, looking for a water bottle. “You’re crazy about me now, but I’ll go crazy if you break up with me. That was just an example of the things I do when the wires inside my head snap.”

“You’re … demented,” was all I could manage.

“You’re still using SAT words so I guess the drive really was not that ‘demented’,” he laughed and he gave me the water bottle. I immediately drank half of it.

And then, my eyes nearly popped out when I saw him pulling out my P.E shorts. His eyes, too, widened a bit as he held both ends of the shorts, stretching it.

“You look like a pervert doing that,” I told him.

“It’s so fucking short.”

“Because it’s summer, idiot.”

“Shit. I once read in Matt’s blog that you’ve got legs that make guys abandon their pride,” he mumbled. I looked at the other way so he couldn’t see me blushing.

There was a pause between them as Marcus still scrutinized the shorts. I was about to take it back when he suddenly said,

“There’s P.E today, right?”

I only thinned my lips.

He grinned as if he had hit the jackpot. “No coach for P.E today, right? He’s still recovering or something?”

He took my absolute silence as a confirmation.

“Perfect.”

“Perfect what?!” I just knew that he was devising something wicked inside his pretty head.

“I’ll pretend to be the substitute teacher for P.E.”

At the very second I heard it, my whole body froze. My reaction (or lack thereof) seemed to entertain Marcus, because he started laughing again. He stroked my hair gently, and kissed the strands of brown in between his fingers. Betraying his gentle gesture, however, his eyes held a mischievous gaze.

“Just tell me when the class starts, and I’ll play my part well,” he said reassuringly. “I won’t let other guys abandon their pride for your legs. It should only be my privilege.”

-

I was the first person to get out of the changing room. I didn’t like being trapped inside a small place full of people gossiping and constantly hearing my name being mentioned. I started pulling at my shorts to make them look longer. Before, I never actually got bothered by it, but Marcus’s comment from earlier made me self-conscious.

The whole class knew that Mr. Gallagher wouldn’t be coming so Noelle had persuaded the ‘cool kids’ to not bring their P.E uniforms. At the field, however, stood a tall figure with a hat. He didn’t look like Mr. Gallagher with his skinny torso and polo shirt, but then his presence on the field had apparently convinced most of the girls to stay despite not bringing any P.E uniforms.

Marcus winked at her just before he blew the whistle.

I didn’t have any idea how he managed to sneak inside the school, let alone stand in the field as a pretend substitute teacher. Maybe his lying abilities came into play, maybe he charmed the system.

He blew the whistle obnoxiously, forcing the students to gather around fast.

“I’m Mr’s Gallagher’s cousin and I’m here as a substitute while he’s recovering from his major concussion.”

His voice was devoid from any hesitation, and in fact, he sounded pretty much infuriated. “You just call me Coach.”

A few guys started to whisper to each other while the girls giggled.

I tried to not see his face. I wasn’t sure if I had the self-control to not laugh and blow his cover.

“I want you all to say your names!” he shouted.

The students magically obeyed him, including me. I smiled when he raised his eyebrows when I called out my name. At Kevin’s turn, I mouthed ‘the ex-boyfriend’, and at Noelle’s turn, I shook my head imperceptibly.

After they were all done, there was a huge smile on Marcus’s face. It was the kind of smile that indicated a self-satisfied state of mind. He had another plan, I just knew about it, and I somehow knew that the plan would involve Noelle and Kevin.

Marcus circled the group of cool kids, the ones not wearing uniforms. His hand tapped their backs one by one, including Noelle’s.

“I see that some of you have your own choice of attire,” he said in a low voice. “DIDN’T YOU REALIZE THAT THIS IS P.E NOT A FASHION SHOW?!”

His sudden curve in volume shocked the students. I also had to put both of my hands on my ears. Marcus was shouting when he was right behind Noelle. I could see her clearly confused and a bit pissed off with this.

This would be great.

Marcus’s performance didn’t plummet after the shouting. He wasn’t done playing pranks with Noelle.

“You!” he pushed Noelle. Out of all girls with no uniform, he chose her. “Why don’t you bring your P.E clothes?”

“I-I forgot.”

“Call me Coach!”

“I forgot, Coach!” Noelle stammered.

The situations was beyond ridiculous, Noelle wasn’t someone who was easily startled, and Marcus was doing exactly that to her. But then again, it was probably really hard to not stammer when a 6 foot tall guy was shouting less than a meter from you.

“Forgot forgot forgot forgot!” Marcus was mimicking her. “You can’t even make up a good excuse!”

Noelle said nothing and she only chewed on her lips, a sure sign of her stress. I admitted that Marcus was going a little too far because he was practically humiliating her in front of the whole class.

“I heard that you’re the one who knocked out my uncle,” Marcus sent out the ace card.

There were a wave of whispers cascading through the crowd.

“What were you thinking, hitting the ball towards him like that? Did you know that he used to have a soft head as a baby?”

This addition of (very probably false) information sent some students into a fit of giggles, but Marcus maintained his stern face. He kept jabbing at the air a few centimeters from Noelle’s eyes. “I have better things to do than teach you people how to exercise, and now that my uncle’s unfit to do so, he asked me to stand in for him.”

“Hey, Coach!” in the midst of the painful silence, someone actually had the gall to call out Marcus.

Kevin stepped up, and the moment Marcus spotted him, I saw him grinning his mischievous grin.

“Yes?” Marcus responded calmly.

“When are we going to start? All you’ve been doing is yelling at us.” He was obviously intimidated by the undivided attention from Marcus, but he managed to not step down.

Everybody was looking at Marcus now, waiting for his turn. What was he going to do? Yell some more? Or, God forbid, fight him? In the end, though, Marcus exceeded their expectations and approached Kevin. When compared side by side, they had very similar builds and even similar bone structure.

“You guys can run or do warm ups, except Noelle, who has to do twenty laps around the field,” he then turned towards Kevin, who also kept his glare at him. “We’re going to play one-on-one.”

-

Nobody bothered to warm up.

Nobody even bothered to play or do anything.

The whole student body decided that it was far more entertaining to watch the obnoxious substitute teacher play basketball with one of the most talented players in the school. Noelle was the only one moving around, but that was because Marcus always made a point to shoot her dagger glares.

Marcus removed his hat and immediately the girls craned their necks, hoping for a more obvious look at his face. Without the shadow of the hat, his handsome face was completely unobstructed. Even his stern scowl wasn’t enough to ward them off.

Kevin was dribbling the ball calmly. He waited as Marcus warmed up a bit. Sometimes, they would smirk and snarl at each other, a ridiculous attempt to be intimidating.

I didn’t know if Marcus could play basketball, but I sure hoped that he really could. I couldn’t imagine the embarrassment he would be burdened with if Kevin destroyed him.

One of Kevin’s friends took the ball and held it as he stood in between Kevin and Marcus.

The ball was in the air, and the game was on. Marcus was a bit taller so he got it first. Kevin, however, was more agile because of the countless tournaments he was part of. Marcus’s once drug-ridden body would never be able to compete with the speed of Kevin’s healthy body.

Nobody was able to look away from the intense battle. The first point was from Kevin, but then, not long thereafter, Marcus out-swerved him and hit his first basket, a three-point shot. As the ball bounced away from the hoop, Kevin took it and gave it a fast dunk. Nobody wanted to be the loser, and even though the heat was beyond what I deemed manageable, they both moved with extreme speed.

Marcus hit another three point shot. I realized that it was his secret weapon. He would always be outplayed by Kevin’s leg movements, but Marcus had amazing aim. Nobody, however, was able to have the ball more than five seconds, and fifteen minutes into the game, both of them were panting heavily. I had never saw Kevin’s eyes light up that much, but then again, nobody really ever challenged him like that. The fact that Marcus was always smirking and taunting fired him up.

Kevin slammed another dunk and evened the score. Marcus started to curse as Kevin made a run through his round of applause. He even managed to catch up with Noelle and gave her a kiss.

Suddenly, I was enraged with a sudden burst of fury. Nobody here was rooting for Marcus, because honestly, he’d been kind of a dick to the whole class. People now started to boo him, as they were far more eager to see Kevin win.

Not me. Not me.

“Seriously you have to win!” I shouted at him. “You have to win!”

Both Kevin and Marcus halted a bit, unsure as to whom I was rooting for. Kevin’s sudden halt, however, was fatal, because Marcus now grabbed the ball away from him and flicked the ball to the hoop, going in for another three point shot.

Right before the ball went through the hoop, however, the school bell rang, and the score wasn’t counted. They were both even.

There was a heavy pause as everyone was processing what had just happened. But then, both of them fell to the ground and just stayed there for a long time. Marcus’s lips stretched into a smile, and eventually into a full-pledged laugh. He looked at Kevin, who was also starting to laugh.

“Great game,” Marcus said weakly. “Tell me your steroids secret next time, you meathead.”

“Fuck off,” Kevin said, but he looked friendly. “It really was a great game.”

-

Matthew finally let me off the silent treatment a few hours later, and started responding to my texts. My guilt trip started again as I lay on the bed and talked to him on the phone.

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t just tell me that you were that uncomfortable. We could always part ways with them,” he sighed and said, for the umpteenth time.

“Nah, you just looked like you were having fun,” I said, for the umpteenth time.

“So what did you do after that? Where were you? Who you were with?” millions of questions that I feared came through and I was inclined to hang up the phone. I didn’t like lying and I hated doing that to someone whom I was supposed to never lie to.

“I just went home and watched tv,” I tried to say in my most noncommittal tone.

There was a very long ‘ooooohh’. I was a hundred percent sure that Matthew didn’t trust me wholly, but he somehow let it go. We were never the kind of couple who questioned every single thing our partner did anyway.

“Anyway, Kevin’s birthday  is this weekend, did you know that?”

“Really?”

“He invited me.”

I gulped. “Really?”

“Wanna come?”

This time, I couldn’t say another ‘really’ since I knew what he expected me to do. To be honest, I had zero interest in going to Kevin’s party. There would be my ex-friends, there would be my ex-bestfriend, and I wasn’t ready to let Matthew know that I am no longer the popular girl he once knew.

I could already imagine myself walking through the sea of people who hated me, and as my spine quivered, I squeaked a ‘no’ to Matt.

“But why? I thought he’s still your friend,” Matthew started to use his pleading tone, which I really hated, because he always got beyond pissed off whenever I wasn’t moved by it. “Would you seriously just let me go there by myself? I hardly know anyone there.”

“Most of the seniors still know who you are, though,” I stated the obvious. “Or you can choose not to go.”

“Alea,” Matthew’s dislike of my decision was so apparent it suddenly became chilly. Parties and gatherings were a must for Matthew. He was a creature driven by social interactions, and he fed off of the attention people gave him at these gatherings. There was never a weekend where Matthew didn’t go out, and when we were long-distance, he often took hours to respond to a text.

“Please, Matt..”

“Why are you being like this, Alea? What’s wrong? We met up with your friends and you bailed. Now you don’t want to attend to your friend’s birthday party. What’s wrong?”

For a moment I considered telling him everything. That I’d lost my social status, that I’d lost my best friend, that I even thought I’d lost myself and my confidence. But then there was something in his voice that spelled exasperation. He wouldn’t want a broken girlfriend. He wanted a girlfriend whom he could parade around and brag about.

“I’m just… I have lots of assignments,” I tried to make some excuses. “I dunno, I’m just too busy. I want to get into a good college.”

There was a heavy sigh from the other end of the phone. Having a girlfriend who was in a good college was something beneficial for Matthew, after all. “Ok, fine. I’ll see you when I see you, then.”

-

Matthew didn’t really contact me again, except on the weekend.

Going over to Kevin’s. Good luck with the studying, babe.

Except that I had no books on my desk. My go-to weekend weapon was a bunch of torrented movies and lots of chocolate, the staple food of lonely girls.

Suddenly, however, my phone started to ring.

It wasn’t Marcus’s turn to call today. In fact, I tried to give the whole ‘affair’ a rest for the weekend so that I could concentrate on being alone and condemning myself. When I answered the phone, there was no hello (as always).

“Get ready. I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

Then he hung up.

And I still couldn’t believe that I actually bothered to pick out my clothes and put on some makeup on my face. He didn’t tell me where we were going or who we were meeting, if we were meeting anyone, so I didn’t know if I should go all out. I was still in the middle of choosing my shoes when he called again, seven minutes later.

“I’m downstairs, Alea. Come down.”

It was easy to get past my parents because they both were always glued to the TV. When I got out of the house, Marcus was leaning against his car, smoking.

“You’re mad,” he observed. There was no mention of my make up or how good I looked. There wasn’t even an acknowledgement of the makeup that I put on.

“One,” I held up a finger as I snatched the cigarette away from him. “You never just call a girl and tell her to get ready in ten minutes. It’s virtually impossible.”

He started to laugh, but I was still in the middle of my rant. “Two, you’re still smoking this shit and you’ll die before me. And three, do you actually realize that you haven’t told me where we’re going?”

“That kid’s birthday party,” Marcus answered.

“Pardon me?”

“We’re going to that kid’s birthday party. The big guy whom I almost beat at basketball.”

I was getting ready to get out of the car, but Marcus held my shoulder tight. “Come on. It won’t be that bad. We’ll just crash, grab a few beers, and then make a clean getaway. Nobody will see us and you’ll feel great because you’ve just done something awesome with me.”

“My ex-boyfriend and my ex-bestfriend will be there. There will be countless other people who hate me there. No, I might be not the smartest person you know, but I’m not dumb enough to throw myself into a wolf’s cave.”

“You’re not going into the wolf’s cave. You’re a wolf scouting a bunch of lambs,” Marcus answered easily.

“But it’s still my ex-“

“Ex,” he enunciated. “Ex. Don’t you realize how many times you use the word ‘ex’ in our conversations? Just let it go and have fun for a bit won’t you?”

“Gimme your chest,” I demanded, and he complied by leaning closer to me. I buried my face to his chest, inhaled his shirt, and then screamed into it.

When we broke off, he was looking at me with what I would call extreme fondness. “That’s a nice way to relieve your stress.”

“Shut up,” I said. “Just drive.”

-

I hated myself for remembering where Kevin’s house was, and when we got there, there were cars lined up all through the neighborhood. The noise wasn’t that loud, but I knew that Kevin had tipped off the local security so that nobody would be coming to disturb the party.

“That guy’s got friends,” Marcus commented. He was uninvited and clearly unwanted, but he dressed like he was the host of the party with his body-fit shirt and sharp trousers.

And then he circled his arm around my neck and I felt an injection of energy. We both looked good and nobody here would make fun of us. Even Noelle couldn’t bring me down. Not when Marcus was next to me.

“Let’s go in,” he whispered.

Like usual, Kevin was standing near the door, wearing blue. Both of us slipped in as he was greeted by his friends, but then at the last moment, he spotted me.

“Alea, hey!” he approached me. “Matthew was just here like five minutes ago, why didn’t you two-“

He stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Marcus next to me. Good thing that his arm was on his side again so that we didn’t look like we came in together, but then again the presence of the unknown substitute teacher at his party must be pretty shocking. I could see Kevin’s eyes widen and his face getting red.

“What the f-“ his mouth hung open.

Marcus realized that the code-red happened much faster than he anticipated and quickly pulled me into the dense sea of people. It was a good thing that Kevin invited pretty much the whole school because then it was much easier to disappear inside the house.

Since we had been together for such a long time, I remembered Kevin’s house well. I led the way, slipping through people dancing and sharing a quick laugh whenever we saw the drunks doing something funny. I could faintly hear Kevin shouting my name from far behind, but then I just took a shot glass and tried to bury it all.

My adrenaline ran high and then I saw Noelle dancing on the top of the table with a few girls. People circled around the table, yelling cheers. I took an orange from the kitchen top and threw it in their direction.

When screaming ensued, I just ran faster to the backyard.

“You’re crazy,” Marcus said, close to my ear as we got out of the room.

“I haven’t been crazy for a while,” I told him.

“Who the fuck threw this shit?!” I heard Noelle screech.

We shut the glass door to the backyard and continued to run to the beer keg, laughing. I had forgotten the last time I had laughed like this. My head was up in the air and there was an unlimited amount of energy trapped inside my body. I was so happy, in fact, that I let go of Marcus’s hand and started to pirouette. I lost my footing at the last second, however, and bumped against someone. Hard.

I was just about to mumble an apology when I realized who it was.

Matthew.

My heart nearly stopped. I knew that Matthew was here, Kevin had just told me so. But then I never knew that my luck would be so bad that I had to bump into him.

Matthew hadn’t really realized that it was me, though. There was a girl next to him, and they were standing unusually close for someone who was taken. I didn’t have the time to process anything, though, because Marcus had pulled me elsewhere.

To the pool.

“Alea!” Kevin was still shouting behind us, and he was getting near. The girl next to Matthew was the first to bitch to me, but then Marcus and I were already on the edge of the pool, just counting the seconds before we jump.

“They’re just drunk,” Matthew told the girl, and that was the same moment when Marcus pushed me in.

Both of us got in and I could feel water filling up my nose. My make up wasn’t waterproof and I felt that my clothes were a little transparent. It wasn’t the time to think about all these things, however, because I still couldn’t stop laughing inside the water and bubbles started to form all around me. Marcus swam next to me and put his hand on my mouth, his other hand pulled down my shirt, which was riding up my torso.

He was invading my personal space, and I didn’t mind. We both stayed underwater for a while and also tried to mingle with the few people who were playing their own version of drunk water-polo. When we finally got out of Kevin’s house, however, I saw every inch of the pool was filled with people.

Glad that we inspired some of these guys, then.

-

The ride home was chilly and wet, but nevertheless fun. We teased each other for being crazy and I even let him kiss my forehead. Just as he was about to pull over in front of my house, however, I saw something that might be the destruction of everything I’ve ever known.

Matthew’s car.

He was sitting inside, windows rolled down and one of his hands was drumming the side of the car. His gaze was straight at us.

My throat was caught and all I could think about was ‘fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck’.

Matthew didn’t make any movement. He just looked at us. Even his face didn’t move a little bit.

“Busted,” Marcus said. “How many weeks has it been?”

“Not even one.”

I had two options. I could run from the car and then pretend that the girl that Matthew saw inside his brother’s car wasn’t me. Or I could come up to him and admit everything. That I had been having an emotional affair, that I hadn’t really been loyal to him, and that my feelings for him ran as low as my feelings to the local coffee shop barista: I was fond of him, but definitely not in love with him.

Marcus was the first to get out of the car. He tried to laugh, but it came out throaty and weak. “Hey, Matt.”

Matthew didn’t answer, and the absence of his voice freaked us out dearly. Matthew was the kind of person who always needed to speak.

When I got out of the car, however, his lips moved. “I thought you were better than this.”

I could only bite my lower lip hard. I tried to find a reason, any reason, that I could use against him, but I found nothing. Our relationship was by no means perfect, but he wasn’t bad or abusive or anything to me. He had done nothing wrong except flirting a little with some girls here and there. He was the perfect boyfriend. A little too perfect, even.

“I can’t believe I didn’t see this coming,” Matthew was seething. I expected him to lash out at me, but then his eyes were on Marcus. “Why, Marcus, why?”

His brother didn’t have any answer for that.

I was starting to regret everything. I regretted that I ever got attracted to Marcus, I regretted that I lost myself and just jumped to the first guy who gave me attention. I regretted my low self-esteem and my reliance on my looks and popularity for validation. This wasn’t worth it. Marcus wasn’t worth it.

“I don’t deserve you…” I finally said it.

“Damn right you don’t. I heard it all from Kevin. You and your friend had a pretty terrible fallout. You don’t have anyone else so you’re holding onto me even though you’re obviously not in love with me anymore,” he exhaled loudly. “Do you even care?”

“I-“ I stopped myself from saying that I did care about him, because my train of thought and my actions didn’t really display that. I’d spent the last month being a selfish bitch and I deserved worse than what Matthew had given me.

“Whore,” Matthew said, and he said it so calmly that the effect was much worse than it would have been if he shouted.

“Don’t you dare call her that!” Marcus was suddenly in between us. Both brothers had very similar features and right now both of them were tightening their knuckles.

“I guess you got what you want, huh?” Matthew said. “You snatched my girl once, and then you did it the second time.”

Subjected to this, Marcus didn’t say anything.

“I bet it’s hard for you to accept that nobody’s really paying any attention to you, everybody just sees you as the less better version of me!”

“Shut up.”

“You feeling better now? Finally someone prefers you over me.”

“Shut up!”

“No!” I shouted. “No, Matthew, that’s not the case. I was just...”

He put a hand in front of my face. “You feeling good now, brother?”

“Matthew, please, stop!” I could see Marcus’s whole body was shaking. I hadn’t known him that long, but I knew that he wasn’t the most stable person around. I knew what he could do when he felt challenged, but I wasn’t sure how much his craziness could extend when he was seriously angry.

“Stop? Stop? He’s never stopped trying to slight me, do you know that, Alea? Oh, of course you don’t, because even though we’ve been together for months, you never really ask anything about me. When did you know that I have a brother? Do you even know what I’m majoring in?”

“You never bother asking me anything either!” I shouted. “We Skype every night , but we never really talk. Mostly I’m just watching you text other people and smile.”

“At least I smile, you never even tried to smile or look happy whenever we Skype!”

“That’s because my life has been shit for the last half a year, ok?” I tried my best to hold off the tears. “I lost everything. If only you could stop talking about how awesome college is and tried asking me what’s wrong once…”

He held his hand in front of me again. “You’re not my problem anymore.”

“Matt!”

He wasn’t quite finished attacking us both. “Tell her about Sara. Let me know if both of you can stand each other after that.”

That was all he said before he started up his car and drove away from both of us.