Jonathan

My entire life I was made to believe that everything in this world is made for love, but nobody ever told me that love made everything break. Break to the point of no fixing it. And it just - the realization hit me in the face so hard that I just wanted to pass out and sleep through the rest of my existence.

How did people do it? How did they love, break, fix themselves and then break again. How do they have the energy to stomach it again and again and then again? How do they survive through it? I'm eighteen and everyone I know seem to have broken themselves beyond repair.

How do I fix them?

Are they fixable?

Am I not broken?

Great, just add those to the things that I cannot answer. I hated questions when I couldn't answer them. And trust me, I can answer a lot of questions.

Suck it up, Jon. The world's been fucked up before you even decided to try and live in it. You can't change it. You definitely can't try to understand it. So just live in it and forget the rest.

Of course since I had no other choice, I decided to just virtually throw the thoughts in the back of my mind, way into my subconscious so that I can focus on boring myself to death while I stared at my orange juice.

When you're a teenager and you're already having an existential crisis, you'd almost always find yourself inside a bar. Of course not drinking orange juice, or staring at one but drinking yourself into oblivion. I'd be doing so if I wasn't off to college the next day but since I am, I had to stay sober. I may be having an existential crisis but I'm not ready to DUI early in the morning and getting my ass hauled back into town when my parents decides I'm not responsible enough to live on my own for college.

Of course they wouldn't do that, the trusted me too much. But I think if they knew half the things I did while I was 'off to oblivion', they wouldn't trust me as much as they did.

But in truth, I'm not as bad as I'm trying so damn hard to make myself out to be. In truth, I had always been scared, scared of crossing lines, scared of overstepping boundaries, scared of mistakes, scared of failures, scared of dissappointing and just scared of every god damn thing that ever existed in this crap hole.

The strong one had always been my best friend and when I see her strength, I just smile and think, I can be that too. But no one can be as strong as her, I don't think so.

Speaking of best friends, I had spent a moment too long in thought that I forgot that I should be bringing her home before she lose herself too much for the night.

I sighed. This was supposed to be my going away party and Olivia - the strong best friend I had been bragging about - had thrown it. I appreciated the gesture but I knew I'd end up alone by the end of it. My friends were drunk in our table and she disappeared on me in the middle of all of it.

I had to get out of it too, I couldn't get sucked into it tonight.

So instead I stayed at the bar and pathetically ordered myself an orange juice and not even drink it because I hate orange juice, I've always hated the taste of it. Especially with the pulp.

I decided that it's time to leave.

"Hey Jonny!!" A drunk high school friend muttered, patting me on the back. It was Peter Edwardson, a football jock friend. Barely a friend actually. He was only here because he's going to the state university so he isn't leaving town and letting him tag along was the polite thing to do. "What's up man?"

I sighed. "Um, nothing, man, just trying to keep sane." I said, not that he'd care what I'd said, he won't even remember it tomorrow.

"We're off to college, can you believe that?" He asked, half-shouting because I doubt he can even hear himself over the loud music.

"Not really, no." I shouted back half-heartedly. I didn't want to engage into a conversation, I just wanted to get out of here. "Uh, Peter, did you see Liv?"

He yawned and looked confused for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, last I saw her she was dancin'. Hard not to notice her, half the guys in there's like crazy starin' at her."

That was enough answer for me to get my ass out of the bar stool and head towards the dance floor. It had been like this for awhile, since we got our fake ID actually. She'd be drunk out of her mind and I'd be sober enough to make sure she doesn't go home with random guys and get herself into trouble.

I didn't even have to come close to the dance floor to notice her, all the stupid guy's eyes were glued on her as she literally danced to oblivion. I almost got sucked into staring at her until I realized that she needed to stop dancing.

I walked up to her and caught her hand just as she was literally going down on the dance floor. She realized it was me and smiled, sort of did a turn and before I understood what the hell she's doing, she had my hands wrapped around her and was making me sway along to the music.

"Olivia." I whispered in her ear, loud enough so she could hear what I was saying with all the chaos around us, using her full first name so she'd know I'm not playing around. "It's late, let me take you home."

She tilted her head a bit so she could see my face, like she was trying to figure out if I was angry or not. "I don't want to go home yet." She said, locking eyes with me.

"Then let's just get out of here, get some fresh air or something." I told her, whatever that makes her get out of here. It was getting too suffocating for me.

"Fine." She replied, which I was grateful for because I've noticed that she've been trying to ignore me all day and I'm glad she's done doing that.

I nodded and found her hand, held it tightly so she couldn't change her mind and dragged her off the dance floor. I decided against going back to our table and saying goodbye to my friends because I realized that they wouldn't be affected if I left tonight - and left town tomorrow - without saying goodbye.

The only one that cared, I already had next to me.

"Damn." She muttered when I pulled over our hill overlooking the school. She's probably feeling nostalgic right now. I was too, to be honest.

The last time we came here was five days before graduation, we wanted to skip the goodbyes that people passed around along the halls. We knew we would be going through one tough goodbye already so giving out small ones and hearing it back would be too much to handle.

We were going to say goodbye to each other. Of course not permanently, and not without talking to each other through the distance but it's goodbye all the same.

It was hard because we spent majority of our lives in this town, spent our whole school years with almost all the same people and the two of us spent every second together. We were known for being inseparable, no one mentioned her without mentioning me and vise versa, we were practically twins and we might as well be since we were just 3 hours apart.

And that was mostly because our parents were friends in college, got married in the same month, in the same year and spent their first anniversary celebration together in Maui. Funnily enough, Liv and I were made in that very same anniversary celebration.

Talk about awkward.

But that meant we were destined to follow their lead, Liv and I spent all our lives being together that going our separate ways eighteen years afterward seemed so ridiculous.

There's no Jon when there's no Liv and there's no Liv when there's no Jon. That's how it worked.

But the change isn't something we had control of, we're now following different paths but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to become separable. We can still be inseparable but just in some other ways.

It took me a few moments before I realized how silent we've become inside my truck and decided to move out.

"Let's move to the back." I told her, looking at the back of my truck. I took a few neatly folded blanket on the back seat and got off the car. We did this a lot during high school, especially when we occasionally cut classes and ran out of things to do.

Of course since she had always been the stubborn one in this duo, she stayed put in the shotgun seat like she didn't hear me or didn't notice that I moved out.

I couldn't help but smile when she ignored me completely and pretended to be interested on her phone, she wasn't fooling anyone. She didn't have a lot of girl friends and I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who would text her at this hour.

I looked at her through the window and shook my head. "Fine, suit yourself." I said and moved to the back to start draping the blankets over the metal.

I covered the back of my truck with one thin blanket and another thick one under it. I had my mom wash the pillows so I could bring it tomorrow to my dorm since I wasn't sure if there'd be enough pilows - but that only meant we'd be pillowless for tonight.

I looked at her through the tiny window of the back seat and she hadn't moved. "Liv..?" Stubborn, stubborn Liv.

I waited for her to respond but she didn't, she just slowly looked at me with tears falling all over her face. I felt my heart ache when I saw her cry. She rarely cried, or she rarely let me see her cry

"Liv.. don't cry."

"Like I wanted to?" She replied bitterly.

"How about you get out here and let's enjoy tonight, we don't know when we'll be able to do this again."

She glared at me like I just poured salt all over a wound but she finally got out of the front and joined me at the back. She leaned on the side and stared at me, wiping the tear that fell on her face. I only bit my lip because I couldn't make things less harder for her.

"I don't like how fast time is going. You're leaving tomorrow and I leave a week after... we're going to different places and we'll be with different people and it's scaring me like hell."

I moved towards her and put my arms around her, in an attempt to give her comfort. "Everything will turn out fine. We'll make time for each other, we always do."

"That doens't make it any less scary." She said, looking at me in total loss. I wiped the lone tear that fell. I didn't know why but my gut twisted whenever I saw her breakdown. "I didn't expect to go through it so soon."

I understood what she meant perfectly. Call it cliche or whatever the fuck you want but there's just something about living your live depending on someone, having someone next to you the entire time and never being truly alone that just makes it so damn frightening to lose that.

I spent the last eleven years of my life looking forward to college, It was the dream, college meant people would start taking you seriously, college meant responsibilities and growing up, as in really growing up. But then senior year came along and I realized how crazy I was to want to grow up so badly.

Now that I'm about to get my wish and officially become an independent man, I wanted to close my eyes and become a kid again. Funny how we never really get what we want when we get what we want.

"What will make you feel better?" I asked, looking at her and waiting for her response.

"How about you go with me on my moving day?" She asked.

"I thought I already was?" I replied with a furrowed brow. I mean, she never asked me but we never had to ask about those things, that's the perk of a best friend.

"Well you don't want me with you tomorrow." She said with a cute pout on her face.

I laughed, realization hitting me hard in the face. "That's why you've been ignoring me all day?"

"A part of it, yeah. The other, I was trying to go through a day without you. It's an epic fail if you haven't noticed." I looked at her and suppressed a smile.

The girl's amazing but she really knew how to worry. I knew for a fact that she'd do great without me, she was born to be independent and she was good at it. She thinks she isn't because she's used to having me around but she was the doer and all I did was follow behind.

Besides, if anyone's going to suck at being alone, it'd be me. I wasn't that great with making new friends. I like to keep to myself.

"I didn't want you to go with me because I thought it'd be easier. Imagine it, you go with me tomorrow.. do you think I'd want you to go home? And would you wanna leave?"

"Point taken." She replied slowly but I knew she didn't believe what I said too much.

"What else? What can I do to make things better?" I asked smiling confidently at her, I didn't plan on letting her down.

"You have to call me, every moment you can."

I smiled. "It's a deal, is that all?"

She locked eyes with me as if trying to see if I was taking things seriously.

"Yes.. but you can't ever forget me."

"How can I?" The question was so ridiculous, I tried so hard not to laugh.

Me? Forget? Her?

Her existance is like your favorite book, you didn't write it but you hold onto it like it's always been a part of you, it's a part of you that you can't ever forget, it's a part of you that you brag about, it's your instant answer to a question and it's the one thing you bring up in every conversation. That's who she is in my life.

I kissed her forehead, trying to make her feel better. I couldn't really explain to her how ridiculous her fears were but I knew she wouldn't believe me even if I tried.

She covered herself with the second blanket and used my leg as a pillow. She was playing with my fingers for awhile and it took too long before I realized that she stopped and had fallen asleep.

I leaned my head back and sighed making the moment last a little longer, to have something to hold onto when I leave for tomorrow.

I don't even know what's going to happen in college, I don't know if I'd like it or hate or what. I just didn't want to forget this. I'll never forget her, that's impossible. What I'm afraid to forget is this unimaginable bond to unravel before our eyes and get to the moment where we no longer function as one.

I looked down at her and decided to accept the facts.

Fact #1: She's prettier when she's asleep. No, she isn't just pretty, she's peaceful and it makes her beautiful, makes her at rest and just at peace and I wish she could look the same when awake. Peaceful, I mean.

Fact #2: I'm scared of losing her more than I'm letting on.

Fact #3: I know she's not as strong as she would like people - would like me - to believe but I'm afraid of accepting that.

Fact #4: I'm in love with her.

Fact #5: I shouldn't be.

Fact #6: It feels like falling in love with your sister. It feels all kinds of wrong.

Fact #7: I'm going to forget facts 4,5 and 6. And 7, I guess.

I took her hand and ran my fingers over the scars on her wrist. I didn't even notice her cuts until she stopped wearing long sleeves back in tenth grade. I think she wanted me to see. The time I found out about it was the same time I came in conclusion that everybody must be broken. Because the happiest girl I knew, the one who made me laugh 'til my stomach hurts, she runs razors through her skin at night to feel physical pain instead of feeling what's eating her inside.

I've always wanted to forget about finding out about her cuts. The time I saw it, there was one streak of cut and when the blood came out, I wanted to passed out.

She's weak. I decided back then when I first saw her break down. But that makes her strong.

I couldn't understand what I meant back then but over the years I finally understood myself. She's weak, just like everybody else. What makes her strong is the fact that despite her weakness, she can still stand up and live and laugh and affect people around her in ways no weak people can.

It felt too long ago, she was having a hard time with her family - she was pratically raising herself and her younger brother and she wasn't the most popular girl in school so she fell bait into the usual bullying whenever I wasn't around to drag her out of it.

She hated the girls in high school, predators, she'd say. That's why she hung out mostly with me and my 'friends' - teammates, really. But Liv didn't back down from a fight, whenever the popular girls tried to get her down, she fights back ten times stronger than them.

They were just jealous. I knew that. They'd never be able to surpass Liv, they'd always be behind her and she'd always be first place without claiming the title. There's just those kind of girls, right? Given the throne without asking for it. Liv definitely had her throne handed to her, some people secretly wanted her to take it, but she didn't want it. And refused it all the goddamn time too.

But everyone's entitled to a breakdown, right? She definitely had one, one of the worst. Within a week, her parents were talking divorce, her boyfriend cheated and that fucked up rumor about her came up. She's just a girl despite the courageous front she put up. And I hated the world for tearing it down.

I knew she was struggling with a lot but I had no idea just how much she kept burried inside.

I noticed the scars during Christmas break. It was the first time they stayed with us for a week without their parents. It was their third night at our place when I was asked to call her for dinner when I saw. She probably forgot to lock the damn bathroom door because she was surprised when I shouted at her.

I don't even know why I thought it was sensible to come into a bathroom when someone's clearly occupying it. It was the sound. It was that muffled cry that made me feel as if I needed to see what's going on.

And I was right to go in.

"Fuck, Liv!" I shouted the moment I got a clear view of what the hell was happening. I knelt down to her so I could wrap a towel on her wrist to stop the bleeding. "Are you crazy?"

"Jonathan." She said, her voice faltering. She obviously wasn't expecting to see me. "You weren't supposed to see."

"What the hell were you trying to accomplish? For fuck's sake, Liv, what the hell?" I shouted, I didn't mean to, I was just panicking and I couldn't shut up, talking made me feel stronger, in control of myself.

I held her wrist with the towel but slowly the towel got damped with blood so I had to take it off because I can't see that much blood. "Shit, shit, shit - there's too much blood, let's get you to a hospital! Oh my freakin' - "

"Jon!" She shouted at me, more fiercely this time. "I can handle this, just get out and forget you saw anything."

"Bullshit. If you can handle it then you wouldn't be fucking bleeding right now."

She looked taken aback, like my words hurt her. Well, whatever, she's hurting me right now too.

I looked at all the blood again and I wanted to collapse. "What do you do when this happens?"

"I just wait for it to stop bleeding."

"That's stupid." I told her in annoyance. "Focus Jon, health class, think health class. Come on, it's in your brain, wound, wound, bleeding wound, cuts, ugh, crap, you know it Jon. Pressure! Fuck I was doing the right thing." I grabbed the bloody towel again and put pressure on the wound. "Shit, it's still fucking bleeding. Ugh, how do you stop it?" My brain was going crazy, I knew all those things, I studied it and things I read stuck, it should've stuck now. Why isn't it in my mind like it's supposed to? "To stop or lessen bleeding, it needs to be above the heart." So I raised her wrist way above her heart so the blood flow would stop, thankful that I'm finally remembering first aid.

Slowly I calmed down and that's when the tears started to drop. I couldn't hold it, I got too terrified. "This is fucking crazy, Liv! What the hell were you thinking?"

"You weren't supposed to know."

"You're not doing this again." I told her firmly. If I sounded angry, maybe she'd listen.

"It's not something I can control, Jon." She said, no longer looking at me. Now that I think about it, I don't think she've looked at anything besides the floor since I found her there.

"If you want to cut, cut my wrist instead. It'd hurt me less."

She looked up at me then. I couldn't mean what I said any more than I already do. Seeing what I just saw can't even amount to all the pain i've felt. Seeing someone you love go through that, it was just cruel.

Slowly after that, she stopped. With help of course. I tried to always be there for her even when she tries to push me away. I made her tell me everything that bothered her, every secret and every heartache. And when I knew each and every flaw she had from inside and out, I loved her even more.

I didn't realize an hour had passed since I got swallowed in by my thoughts until I caught a glimpse of my watch. I decided to remove my polo and folded it so she could use it as a pillow while I slowly drove her home.

When I got to her place, I knew her door would be unlocked even before I opened it. She and her brother really needed to learn how to lock the door. I carefully laid her on her bed and tucked her in, I kissed her forehead for goodnight and it probably woke her up because her eyes fluttered open. "Jon. Stay tonight.."

I bit back a desperate sigh. "Liv. You know I can't, I have to leave really early tomorrow."

"Please."

I closed my eyes, willing my self-control to take over. "I want to but if I stayed, I won't be able to go tomorrow."

"I'll be a bitch in the morning, it'll force you to leave." She assured. And on most mornings, she is a bitch.

"I'd actually like to take a good memory of you before I leave." I joked. "How about I stay until you fall asleep?"

"Why not just stay 'til the morning?"

"Because you'll make it harder for me to leave in the morning. Come on, this is turning cheesy, just sleep and then I'll leave."

"But I want to say goodbye to you in the morning."

"You can say goodbye to me now."

"I don't want to say goodbye at all."

"Me neither but I'll have to leave, with or without one."

That got her to open her eyes and stare at me. When she did, I noticed just how scared she was. I wonder if I looked the same. She sat up and sighed, as if taking her time with her goodbye. "For the record, I hate you for not staying."

I smirked. Of course she did, she loved getting her way.

She smiled a little and then slowly collapsed into my arms. I hugged her tight, I know exactly when we became this attached to each other, freshman year during the first party we attended. She was dragged into a room by a senior and when I finally saw it - because I was too busy flirting with a hot cheerleader that was way outta my league in my freshman year to notice - I ran up the stairs and burst into the room just as Richard Flennel was taking off her clothes.

It was epic. I got so angry and punched the homecoming king so hard in the nose it bled - thank god my dad taught me kickboxing or else I wouldn't have that strength to punch a big ass kid - and then I dragged Liv outta there. It was pathetic, two freshmen stumbling into a senior party and kicking the homecoming king's ass? We made a name in high school that night. But between the two of us, something clicked. It made us more attached, more dependent.

"You're not allowed to forget me, remember that." She muttered, her voice muffled because she buried her face on the crook of my neck.

I snickered and held her head to face me. "I will never be able to forget a girl like you, Olivia Grace Martin."

She rolled her eyes but she was smiling.

"I love you, Liv." I told her before kissing her forehead and for awhile, that was enough to reassure the both of us