#PTG42 Chapter 42

I was ordered to go out of the room. I couldn't breathe. Hindi ako maka-hinga dahil sa mga narinig ko. Hanggang ngayon, tila pasikip pa rin nang pasikip ang dibdib ko. Paulit-ulit kong naririnig ang sinabi niya... Para bang naririnig ko ang boses ni Kier na sinasabi iyon...

'Wag si Katherine...'

Sumandal ako sa isang pader. Pakiramdam ko ay biglang bibigay ang mga tuhod ko dahil sa mga nangyayari. Akala ko... Akala ko hindi ko na kaya pang magulat sa mga pwedeng mangyari... I thought I already suffered the worst... but how could I possibly go on with my life thinking that the person I hated saved my life?

"I want to go..." mahina kong sabi. Jax didn't ask any more question. Tahimik kaming naglakad pabalik sa sasakyan. Pagbalik namin sa hotel, nahiga ako sa kama. Gusto kong matulog... pero natatakot ako sa pwedeng pumasok sa panaginip ko. I didn't want to see his face... I didn't want to dream about him...

"I'll be at the other room if you need me," Jax said.

I nodded, my mind still being haunted by the image of him... full of blood... trying to shield me from the people who murdered him...

Hindi ako naka-tulog buong gabi. Paulit-ulit na bumabalik sa isip ko lahat ng mga narinig ko. Hindi ako makakain. Pakiramdam ko... pakiramdam ko tuluyan na akong tatakasan ng bait.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang araw ang lumipas. All I knew was that Jax never once left my side. He was there, just watching me... He didn't talk... He didn't ask... I knew he just wanted to stay by my side... Alam ko na natatakot siya sa akin... Natatakot siya sa pwede kong gawin sa sarili ko...

"What is this?" tanong ko sa kanya nang may iabot siyang paper bag.

"Clothes. Take a bath, then wear those."

"Aalis tayo?"

"Yeah... We've been staying here for a week now... Okay lang ba sa 'yo kung lalabas muna tayo?"

"Saan tayo pupunta?"

He stared at me for a few second. His dim expression softened. He sighed, and sat beside me. "Dr. Sena... She's a psychiatrist. Do you want to talk to her?"

Tumingin ako sa kanya. Tumango ako. "Okay..." mahina kong sagot. I knew something was wrong with me... I wanted to be okay again... I just didn't know where to start.

"Thank you, Jax."

He smiled. "It's fine."

Umiling ako. "No, thank you. You... You could've just left me... But you stayed. Even when it's hard. Even when leaving was the easier choice... You stayed..."

Jax didn't say a word, but his smile was enough for me. Mabilis akong naligo at sinuot iyong damit na binigay niya. Paglabas ko, naghihinay na siya sa akin.

"Do you want to eat first?" he asked.

I shook my head. I wanted to do normal things... I knew I already got my freedom, but I could still feel the cold bars against my skin. I needed to regain the feeling of being free. I didn't want to be stuck in this. I needed to fight to find myself again.

But I wanted to take things one day at a time...

Pagdating namin sa clinic, sabi ni Jax na nasa labas lang daw siya para hintayin ako. Tahimik akong naglakad papasok sa loob. Agad akong sinalubong ng ngiti.

"Hi. Katherine, right?" Tumango ako. "Have a seat," she said, motioning to the cream-colored couch behind me. Naupo ako doon, at pinagmasdan ang paligid. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagmamasid niya sa bawat galaw ko. I felt like a rat being studied... but I knew I needed this. I needed help.

"I'm Dr. Sena, but you can just call me Sena," she said with a small smile on her face. "Why don't you tell me something about yourself, Katherine?"

"I don't want to talk about myself."

"Okay... Ano ang gusto mong pag-usapan?"

"I want to talk about my husband."

I saw recognition cross her eyes. Kilala niya si Kier. Did Jax tell her about him? Maybe... but I knew that my face was known throughout the country. For months, people believed that I mercilessly killed Kier... That's who I am now. A killer. Alam ko na kahit nahuli pa ang totoong pumatay, that description would follow me to my grave.

"Okay, let's talk about your husband. Will you tell me about him? How was he as a person? As a husband?"

Inabot ko ang unan sa gilid ko, at niyakap iyon. Huminga ako nang malalim habang nagsimulang alalahanin lahat ng pinagdaanan namin ni Kier.

"You know... You know your parents will definitely disown you for this," I said as I look at him while he was on his knee. He was holding a black velvet box, and I thought the diamond on the ring could probably feed a small country.

He creased his forehead. "Then all the more reason to get married."

I laughed. "You're crazy."

"Only because I love you."

I clicked my tongue as I got the ring from the box. "Fine... but if we get married, I get to plan everything."

He nodded. "I don't know why you're even asking. You know that between us, you're the boss."

I laughed again. "Fine... I'll marry you, Ramirez," I said as I slid the ring on my finger. I looked at him. His smile was so wide that I kinda feared that his mouth would get torn. He embraced me, and kept on thanking me.

"I swear I'll love you and protect you with my life," he whispered in my ear. I just smiled. He's a Ramirez, sure... but Kier's different. He's good to me. He's always good to me.

"He was... good. He was very thoughtful," I said as I tried to hard to remain calm. I knew I needed to talk about this. Kier... he's both good and bad... He's both the best and the worst... He's... complicated. Even his love for me... it was complicated.

"The first time we met, he saved me. The second time, he saved me again. After that... he never left my side. He didn't like working... He's more of the investment kind of guy, you know? But he saw me suffering. He offered to take the job. I knew he hated working, but he did it anyway... That was the first time I looked at him differently... Maybe it could work...

"Then during my BAR month, he was there for me... He was the one who got me all my review materials, the last minute tips, he was the one who prepared my BAR kits... He was the one who I see right before I go inside to take the test... He was the first one I see after the exam... He was literally always there for me..."

Dr. Sena was looking at me while she was taking down notes. I wanted to jump to the part where Kier hurt me... I wanted to ask her how I should feel...

He died for me... but did that erase all the times that he, himself, made me want to die?

"What about you? Paano ka sa kanya?"

"I... I tried my best to reciprocate whatever he did for me."

"Care to share how?"

"Here," he said, handing over a cone of icecream.

I arched a brow. "For what?"

"To cheer you up," sabi niya sabay upo sa tabi ko. He just got out of the office. He was still in his suit and tie, while I was just wearing maong shorts and white shirt. I was bored.

"Malungkot ba ako?"

Umiling siya. "Nah. But you look really worried."

I sighed. "I think I really messed up the Remedial law part."

He tousled my hair. "I'm sure you'll pass."

"Paano kapag hindi?"

"Then, you'll take it again next year. You won't stop because that's your dream, right?"

I smiled. "Tapos magrereklamo ka na naman dahil masungit ako? Kagaya ng pagrereklamo mo nung BAR month?"

He laughed. "Who even asks for sinigang at 1am?!" he exclaimed. I remember how I made him ran around Manila, looking for sinigang at 1am. I was really nervous that night. I wanted to comfort food... at saka gusto ko lang pagtripan si Kier nun kasi sinabi niya na tumataba daw ako. Bwisit siya.

In the end, he cooked because he really couldn't find a store that delivers sinigang. Good times. We had good times.

I took a deep breath. "Kier... Kier has always told me how he hated his family... He was always in Manila to escape them... I guess... I guess I was the one who was always there for him whenever he's escaping. During the time we dated, sabay kaming kumakain palagi. I think I kinda got fat when we were dating. Kung saan-saan niya ako dinadala dati... He liked playing paintball. I didn't enjoy it because it honestly hurt, but he looked like he really wanted to play, so I always went with him kahit na lagi niyang sinasabi na 'wag na..." Then, I laughed when I remembered how Kier mercilessly shot the guy who shot me at the back. I yelped so hard because it really hurt when get hit with paintball.

Dr. Sena smiled. "Seemed like you had fun with him.

I nodded. "I had lots of fun... He was a fun guy." I paused, then took a deep breath. "But... but when we got married."

"You wanna talk about that now?" she asked. "We can still talk about that in another day."

Umiling ako. I wanted to get this out. Now. I couldn't stay in the darkness for another day. I needed to process this. I needed to understand what was happening.

"Kier... I knew Kier loved me... I never doubted that for one second... Kier was nice to me. For a few months, we have such good marriage... It started... It started when I attended Joey's birthday... We didn't know that Jax—he is my ex—would be attending because he never attended when he knew that I'd be going, as well... But he was there. And it would be weird if papaalisin namin siya... So, we awkwardly ate dinner together... And I didn't know why... Or how... But Kier learned about it." Huminga ako nang malalim. "That... That was the first time he slapped me."

Dr. Sena slid over a glass of water. My hands were shaking, but I managed to reach for it. I slowly sipped the water as memories began to drown me yet again.

"He.. He apologized. I forgave him. But it happened again... It made me think, was it my fault? Because I let him off that easy? Did I make him think that it's okay to do that because I'd eventually forgive him?"

Dr. Sena sighed. "It's not your fault, Katherine. You know, my father always told me that the moment a man raises his hand at a woman is the same moment that he stops being a man?"

I sadly smiled. "But... But deep inside, I keep on asking myself... Did I push him to be like that? Because he was not like that before... Pakiramdam ko... Pakiramdam ko napagod siyang mahalin ako... Siguro... Siguro kahit hindi ko harapang sinasabi sa kanya... Palagi kong pinapa-mukha na kahit kailan, hindi ko siya mamahalin kagaya ng pagmamahal ko kay Jax..."

"But did you love Kier?"

I nodded. "Of course... It's easy to love him. He was there for me."

"Did you show him that you love him?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell him that?"

I nodded. "Yes..."

"Then, why are you blaming yourself? You love him. You told him you love him. You showed him you love him. You love him, Katherine... It's not your fault if he didn't feel like that's enough... You don't force people to love you... They just do... And if he really loved you, there's never a reason good enough for him to hurt you... Because you know, you never hurt the people you love... At least, not on purpose... Not repeatedly... You don't do that if you really love someone."

Maliit ang tinig ko. Nagsimulaang sumikip ang dibdib ko.

"He died to save me," I whispered.

"That was his choice," she replied. "You don't have to feel the burden of his choice."

Umiling ako. "You don't understand... All these time... All these time, I hated him for everything he did... For hurting me... But... but in the end, he still loved me..." Nagsimulang magtubig ang mga mata ko. I could feel again. I could feel the pain. I could feel the searing pain inside my chest. "It... It feels so wrong to hate him... I don't want to forget how he hurt me... But I also don't want to hate him... I don't know what to do..."

Dr. Sena let me cry. She let me cry until I stopped. But even then, my heart didn't stop hurting.

"You can love him and still hold him responsible for what he did. Life is never black and white. There are gray areas. You can love someone, and still see his faults. And it's okay."

I nodded. "Can... Can I still hate him? And thank him?"

She nodded. "Of course. You do things at your own pace. You heal at your own pace. You control your life, Katherine. No one can force you how to feel. Only you know yourself."

* * *

I met Dr. Sena for a few more sessions. I told her everything. I told her about my parents, about my friends, about Cha, about Iñigo, about Kier, about Jax. I told her... I told her about prison... It felt better... I felt like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulder.

"I know you're a busy person, so I will make this quick," I told Jacqueline Ramirez. She stared at me with such hatred. I pitied her. I pitied her because it must be so tiring to carry that every day...

"I didn't kill Kier. And I know you know that. But I also know that you blame me for his death... And that you will never forgive me, and you will try to hurt me in any way that you can..." I said as I slid an envelope toward her. I had learned to embrace my weakness. I wanted to use them to my advantage. "Inside... Inside are things that can bring hell to your family... I have no intention of ever using them... But if I ever hear about any of the people I care about getting hurt... I will not hesitate to bring hell to your family."

Mabilis akong tumayo. Diretso akong naglakad, hindi lumingon para tignan siya. I just wanted to close that chapter in my life. I didn't want to re-visit it.

"To the airport, please," I told the driver as I began to type a message for Jax.