#PTG40 Chapter 40

"Uuwi na talaga ako?" paulit-ulit kong tanong kay Jax. Paulit-ulit din niya akong sinasagot... pero kahit na ganoon, may isang parte pa rin sa isip ko na ayaw maniwala... Because this wasn't my life... This wasn't supposed to be this easy... Pakiramdam ko ay may masamang mangyayari bigla. I couldn't relax. This felt wrong.

"Keep your head down, okay?" he told me as we were getting out of the court. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin... not until I heard my name being called by all these reporters... My eyes felt like being blinded by all the flashing lights. I was stunned. Hindi ako maka-galaw.

'Ano'ng masasabi mo sa biglang pagbabago ng resulta ng kaso?'

'Guilty ka ba talaga sa pagpatay sa anak ni Congressman Norberto Ramirez?'

'Ano'ng masasabi mo sa biglaan ng pagreresign ng prosecutor sa kaso mo? Sa tingin mo ba ay may pandadayang naganap?'

Agad akong napa-tingin. "S-Si Iñigo?" agad na lumabas sa bibig ko ang mga salita. Mas nagkagulo ang mga tao. Hindi ako maka-hinga. Masikip. Paulit-ulit akong tinutulak.

'Hindi mo ba dine-deny, Mrs. Ramirez, na may nangyaring dayaan kaya nagresign ang prosecutor?'

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng buong katawan ko. Hindi ako maka-hinga. Hinawakan ni Jax ang kamay ko sa harap nilang lahat—wala siyang pakielam sa mga matang nanonood sa bawat galaw namin.

"There's no comment as of the moment. A new investigation has been opened," Jax said while he was pulling me together with him in the sea of people hoping to get a word from me. Pero wala akong magawa. Ni walang salita ang gustong lumabas sa bibig ko. Natatakot ako. Pakiramdam ko hanggang dito ay kaya akong saktan ng mga Ramirez... Kagaya ng ginawa nila nang nasa loob pa ako...

"Fuck," Jax cursed. I noticed that he was looking at my arm. Agad akong napa-tingin doon. May mga kalmot galing sa mga reporter. It was bleeding.

"Si... Si Iñigo."

Jax looked at me, like he didn't know what to say. But I wanted to know. What happened? Bakit ganito?

He ran his fingers through his hair, and looked at me like he didn't want to say whatever he was about to say. "Iñigo recommended the dismissal of your case. It's complicated, Katherine... I can't explain right now," sagot niya. Tipid akong tumango... Baka hindi ko rin maintindihan. Masyadong maraming nangyayari. Hindi masabayan ng isip ko lahat. Nakaka-hilo. Nakaka-lito.

"Sir, san tayo?" the driver asked.

Jax looked at me, as if he was asking me where I wanted to go. Saan nga ba ako uuwi? Did I still have a home? Hindi ko kayang umuwi sa bahay namin ni Kier... It was mine... It never felt like home...

"Do you want to go to your parents' house?" he asked, like he just read my mind.

I silently nodded. I wanted to be surrounded by familiar things. I badly wanted to be able to feel again... To feel things other than this tiring anger inside me. I wanted to let this anger go... But it's seated deep within me... It's so hard to just let it go...

Four months in prison.

It... changed me. I didn't feel the same. Something in me changed.

Tahimik kong pinanood ang pamilyar na daan pauwi. Things looked different... I couldn't even remember the last time I passed by these roads... Ayaw ni Kier na umuuwi ako sa bahay ko. He wanted me beside him all the time. Tuwing wala ako sa paningin niya, agad niyang iniisip na pinupuntahan ko si Jax... I got tired of explaining that I was not cheating on him... Kaya kaysa magpaliwanag, mas pinili ko na lang na 'wag umalis.

"I... I don't have a key," I said while we were standing in front of the gate. I looked at Jax. "Nasa bahay... ni Kier... pero ayokong bumalik doon."

Jax looked at me. I wanted to wipe that look of pity in his face.

"Okay," he said, nodding. "Where do you want to go? Do you want to stay at a hotel? Ako na 'yung kukuha sa bahay ni Kier."

Agad akong umiling. "No. Ayokong pumunta ka 'don," sabi ko habang mabilis na gumapang ang takot sa buong pagkatao ko. Alam kong galit pa rin sila sa akin... Alam ko na sasaktan pa rin nila ako... Kung hindi man ako mismo, alam ko na si Jax ang pagbabalingan nila...

Kung... kung nagawa nilang pumatay ng inosenteng bata... kung nagawa nilang patayin iyong baby ni Cha... ano pa ang pipigil sa kanila para saktan si Jax?

"Okay..." he replied again. It felt like he would agree to anything I wanted. It felt like he just wanted to make me feel better... "What do you want to do? Do you want to stay with your friends?"

Umiling ako. My friends... they have families... I didn't want to put them in unnecessary danger... Paano kung gusto akong ipa-baril ng mga Ramirez? Paano kung katabi ko sila? Even if the bullet won't hit me, getting them hurt because of me would cause me my death.

"I'll just stay in a hotel."

Tahimik iyong naging byahe papunta sa hotel. Kanina ko pa pinapanood iyong mga naka-sunod sa amin na sasakyan... Jax must have noticed me watching.

"PSG," he said. "Psalm lent them to me. I'll introduce you later para kilala mo sila."

I nodded. Tahimik pa rin ako hanggang sa makarating kami sa hotel. Jax made me wear a pair of sunglasses and baseball cap. Siya iyong nag-asikaso habang tahimik akong naghihintay. Naka-tayo ako sa isang gilid. Pinapanood lahat. Umaatras tuwing may mapapa-lapit. I felt in danger. Even in safety's embrace, I felt danger.

"Your room card," Jax said, handing over a card. "I... I got the adjacent room," sunod na sabi niya. Naka-tingin siya sa akin na para bang naghihintay siya ng kung anuman mula sa akin... but I was just tired. I just wanted to rest...

"I just want to make sure you're safe tonight."

Tumango ako. "Okay."

Hindi na siya nagsalita pa pagkatapos nun. Sabay kaming sumakay sa elevator, pinapanood ang pagtaas ng numero. Nang makarating kami sa 39th floor, sabay kaming lumabas. Tahimik kaming maglakad hanggang sa marating namin iyong kwarto.

Jax turned, looking at me. "You rest. Ano'ng gusto mong kainin?" tanong niya.

Umiling ako. "Gusto ko lang matulog," sagot ko. Ni hindi ko maalala kung kailan ang huling beses na naka-tulog ako nang mahimbing... Araw-araw, natutulog ako na may kaba... na baka hindi na ako magising... na baka kung ano ang gawin nila sa akin habang tulog ako...

Jax nodded. "Nico and Kellan—the PSG—they'll stay outside your door... Just call for them in case you need anything."

Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. "Aalis ka?"

"I'll just buy you food, in case you get hungry. And I'll also buy you some clothes." Hindi agad ako naka-sagot. "I'll be fast." He sighed. "Fine... I'll just ask someone to run errands for me. I'll stay here, okay?"

Finally, I nodded. I waited for him to get inside the adjacent room before I got inside mine. Sabi ni Jax, na-check na raw ito... but I couldn't feel safe... I could still remember how I would be pulled to the side... how they'd push me around when no one was watching...

I was free...

But I still feel trapped...

Sinubukan kong manatili. Sinubukan ko...

"Why?" Jax asked when I knocked on his door.

I bit on my lower lip. "Can... Can I stay here?"

I thought he was going to ask why, but he just opened the door for me. I was glad that he didn't ask... Kasi wala akong lakas para sabihin sa kanya lahat ng nangyari habang nasa loob ako...

I sat on the couch at the end of his bed. Jax stood before me, watching my face, watching my every move.

"You want to change clothes?" he asked. "I have a shirt and boxers... if that's okay with you?"

Hindi ako sumagot, pero iniabot sa akin ni Jax 'yung mga damit niya. Pinapanood ko iyong bawat paggalaw niya... Ganoon din ang ginagawa niya sa akin...

Tahimik akong pumasok sa CR. Bahagya kong iniwan na naka-bukas ang pinto. I could still remember how scared I was whenever I would take a bath... I looked at the mirror, and I could still see the stitches on my forehead. Tinulak-tulak nila ako hanggang sa mabagok ang ulo ko sa pader. I had to lie and say that I slipped...

I hated going to bath.

It's the scariest.

But I heard the door closing. My heart began to quicken its pace. Mabilis akong lumapit para buksan iyon.

"Why?" Jax asked, worried.

Hindi agad ako sumagot. I couldn't begin telling him about things that happened inside... Not now... I didn't have the heart...

"I... I'll leave the door open..."

He didn't need to say it, but I knew that he had an idea why... But I was glad that he didn't ask. Again. Maybe someday... Maybe one day, I would tell him... But not tonight...

I scrubbed so hard that my skin felt sore. I just wanted to remove all traces of prison in my body... Hindi ako tumigil hanggang sa makita ko na may dugong tumakas mula sa braso ko.

Paglabas ko, nakita ko na agad na tumingin sa akin si Jax. I smiled a little. He tapped the space beside him. I quietly walked towards there. I was glad that the room was a bit dim. I didn't want him to see the bruises and scars on my legs.

"You're too quiet," he said when a minute passed without me saying anything.

"What happened?" I asked. I wanted to ask him... I wanted to know what happened... But I was scared... What if Jax did something just to get me out? I was afraid to confirm my hunch... Because if that's what happened, then this would just be a continuation of the nightmare that I fought so hard to get through...

He looked at me. "You got out. That's what happened."

"What did you do?"

"What do you mean?"

I stared into his eyes. "You said... You said you'd do anything to get me out... And it happened so quickly... What did you do, Jax? Did you... did you do anything that might hurt you?"

Naka-tayo siya sa harap ko, naka-tingin sa mga mata ko. He reached for my face, and caressed my face. "You wanna know the truth?"

I nodded. "Always."

"At one point, I was tempted to break every law just to get you out... It was so easy... It was so easy to bend the law to your favor..." he said. "I dug so deep to get you out of that grave that I didn't realize that I was digging my own grave, too."

"Did you?" I asked.

"Almost," he replied, staring into my eyes. "You know how easy it is to buy the truth, Katherine?" Lumapit siya at naupo sa tabi ko. I could feel his energy... He was so tired... Pareho kami. "I was so desperate. I was probably so desperate that there's this guy from work—someone I do not really like talking with because I don't agree with his principles in life—who told me that you can actually pay people to say yes to anything you want. He said that I just have to pay. That those people are so poor that they'd rather sacrifice one life and rot in jail just to save their family from hunger..."

My lips parted in surprise.

"I... I was so fucking tempted. I already had a story ready. I hated seeing you cry. I hated seeing you die a little everyday. I was so afraid that even if I could save you, it will be too later... That prison would have already destroyed you."

Humarap siya sa akin. Hinawakan niya ang mukha ko. He smiled at me. He caressed my cheek with his thumb. He always did that before...

"But you're still you, right?"

I smiled, and nodded... but I didn't feel like myself.

"But..." he trailed. "But one day, someone asked to meet. She said she has information for me."

"Who is she?" I asked. I wanted to know who saved my existence...

"I don't know. She was wearing big sunglasses and her turtleneck was almost covering her face. She just said that the enemy of my enemy is her friend," Jax replied. "Then, she gave me an envelope. It has everything I needed to ask for a new trial. It's good. The Ramirez has friends with the CA... I didn't want to risk losing the appeal. New trial was the better option."

Mabagal ngunit malakas ang bawat tibok ng puso ko. Gusto kong tanungin... ako ba ang pumatay kay Kier? Were my hands as bloodied as everyone involved in this fight? Because if my hands were... how would I even live with myself knowing that I killed someone?

"Did... Did I kill Kier?" I asked, my voice barely audible. I didn't want to hear the answer... but I needed to hear it. For my self. For my sanity.

Jax looked at me. "No. But you were the target... Kier was just the collateral damage."