#PTG31 Chapter 31

There were only two scenarios. One, I remember what went down that night and be able to determine whether I deserve everything that was happening to me. If... If I really did kill Kier, tatanggapin ko ang parusa na para sa akin. A life was taken, and someone should pay for it. But if I couldn't remember it... God, I didn't want Jax breaking the law. I didn't want him to break his oath.

"Let's start from the beginning," he said, flipping through the pages of his notes for my case. Tahimik ko siyang pinapanood. How could he do this? How could he remain so strong? I knew that it would take so much courage to be him right now.

I nodded. I wanted to be cooperative. He's already doing so much for me... the least I could do was to keep on hoping that justice would prevail.

"Kieran Ramirez," sabi niya na parang hirap na hirap siyang banggitin ang pangalan na ito. "What did he exactly do for a living?"

"He's the COO of my company."

"Your company?"

I nodded. "His parents made me sign a pre-nuptial agreement," I said. It was as if I could still hear Kier's voice when he got mad upon hearing it. Maybe I should have known. Maybe I should have seen the signs. He's scary when he's mad. Siguro ay nagbulag-bulagan na lang ako. Dahil siya lang iyong nasa tabi ko. Na dapat na lang akong makuntento at magtiis.

Jax began to scribble down words. He wasn't looking at me. I didn't know if he was doing it on purpose... Siguro ayaw niyang makita iyong takot sa mga mata ko. Siguro nasasaktan siya na marinig kung paano ako nasaktan.

"That trip... what..." sabi niya ng patigil-tigil. The ink was blotting on the paper. His eyes closed. His jaw clenched. This was hard on me... but it was harder than him. "What was the exact reason why he asked? You mentioned before that when..." Huminga siya nang malalim. Nanatiling nasa papel ang kanyang tingin. "When he hurts you, he'd ask you out on a trip."

I took a deep breath to brace myself. Nahihirapan ako na makita siyang ganito. I didn't like talking about Kier. I hated talking about everything that happened... but I needed to get it all out. And fast. I didn't want to see Jax suffer like this.

"It was because I was out having lunch with Anj," tahimik kong sabi. "I... I really tried to avoid my friends. Lalo na sila Simon. Nagagalit sila kapag nakikita nilang may pasa ako. Nauubusan na ako ng idadahilan sa kanila..."

I held my hands together. I needed to do this. For Jax.

"That day, I went home late. I was supposed to go home early, but I got distracted..."

I could still remember that day clearly. I saw Jax on the television. Madaming reporter ang naka-paligid sa kanya. Everyone wanted a piece of him. He was slowly making a name. He just won a high-profile case. I always knew that he would be successful. Kaya kahit na minsan, ni hindi ko magawang magsisi sa desisyon na ginawa ko dati. Oo, nasaktan niya ako... but this was bigger than me.

His dreams would always matter to me. It would matter before my own feelings. I just love him like that. I'd hurt silently. I'd bleed silently. I'd do it all if it's for him.

"Pagdating ko sa bahay, nandun siya... He was drinking again. And then... he accused me."

Agad akong natigil. Hindi ko alam kung paano magpapatuloy. Hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sa kanya. Paano ko sasabihin na siya iyong dahilan kung bakit nagalit sa akin si Kier? Na sa ilang beses niya akong sinaktan? Si Jax ang palaging dahilan.

Tinignan ko siyang muli. Ayaw niya pa rin akong tignan. Ni hindi minsang naalis ang mga mata niya sa papel.

Hindi ko nabilang kung ilang segundo. Hindi ako nakapagsalita. Nakaramdam ako ng kaba.

"Accused you of what?" he asked, breaking the silence. He was now looking at me. His eyes were on me. I... got scared. I could already see the guilt in his eyes. Hindi ko kayang dagdagan. Ayokong dagdagan.

"Katherine—"

"I don't want to tell you this," I said, my voice breaking.

His jaw clenched. "You have to tell me."

Marahas akong umiling. "I'll tell you everything. I'll tell you how he punched me, how he threw me, how he pushed me around... 'wag na 'to... Please..." pakiusap ko sa kanya habang unti-unting lumalabo ang paningin ko. "Jax, please... Don't make me do this..."

He was breathing deeply. His eyes boring a hole in my face.

"I need to know."

"No."

"Katherine—"

"Please, kahit ito na lang iyong ibigay mo sa 'kin. Ayokong sabihin. Kahit ito na lang, Jax..." I begged. Would it change anything if I tell him that he's the reason why I went to Batangas? Would it bring Kier's life? I would take it to my grave if I had to. Hinding-hindi ko sasabihin sa kanya na siya iyong dahilan. I wouldn't do that to him. I would never do that to him.

His lips were pursed. From his eyes, I could feel the rage slowly building. But I was decided. Hindi ko sasabihin. I would not let him carry that guilt around. I would not allow him to.

Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko na inabot ang baso sa gitna ng lamesa. I needed to pull through. I had been here for only over a day... I would be here for months... Hindi ko alam kung paano ako tatagal... Pero kailangan kong tumagal. Jax promised. I would stand by his promise.

"After... after that," I began again. I would tell him everything. Not just that. "We went to the beach house. Kier wanted to go there. Pinipilit niya na doon kami pumunta."

Jax held on to his pen. Iniwasan kong mapa-ngiti nang makita ko kung ano ang tatak nun. I guessed... I guessed some things just never changed. At least, that.

"Why?" he asked, still looking like he would search the world to look for the answer to his question. But he should know that I was also willing to go to the world's end just to save him.

Maybe... maybe he still loves me... but I love him more than life itself.

"Hindi ko alam. He was... he was persistent that we go there. And he also suggested that we go abroad," I mentioned. "He wanted to go to New York to visit his brother. Sabi niya, baka magtagal daw kami doon."

Jax's eyes looked empty. He looked so tired. I knew that it was hard for him to drive to Batangas just to see me... But he was still here. He's always here. Kahit na galit siya sa akin, hindi siya nagdalawang isip na puntahan ako. He lied to save face, but Joey told me that he's here without her forcing him.

"Any particular reason why he would want to do that?" he asked, his voice now impassive.

"Hindi ko alam. He was usually always preoccupied with work. But..." I said as I tried to hard to rack my mind. I tried to remember that night. That one night when he went home. He was so mad. I tried to calm him down, but he was raging mad. Akala ko sasaktan niya ako. But he just threw a glass across the wall before he stormed out. I got a cut on my chin from the shards of glass. It was just that... but I was shaking from fear.

"But what?" he asked.

"Weeks before that, he went home. He was saying something about work. Galit na galit siya. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit siya galit. Hindi ko nagawang magtanong kasi natakot ako na baka ako naman 'yung makita niya..."

Nakita ko kung paano ipikit ni Jax ang mga mata niya bago siya humugot nang malalim na hininga. He was holding himself together. I could see how he was desperately trying to keep it together.

But he was failing.

I could see that rage coming back to life.

"I see," sabi niya. "I will ask Cha to investigate about that."

Hindi agad siya nagsalita. Parang kulang pa iyong mga segundo kanina para kalmahin niya ang sarili niya. Ramdam na ramdam ko iyong galit.

"When you were en route to Batangas, did something happen?"

Umiling ako. "Wala. Tahimik lang kami buong byahe. Si Kier iyong nagdrive... Laging may kasama kaming driver... Pati mga bodyguards... Maraming kaaway iyong pamilya niya. Pero nung araw na 'yun, sinabi niya na kaming dalawa lang."

"Did you know why?"

Nahihiya akong umiling. I was not helping him. I wanted to, but I didn't know what I could do to help.

"May iba ba kayong dinaanan bago dumating sa rest house?"

Umiling ako. "Wala. Diretso lang kami doon... Pagdating namin, naupo si Kier. Dumiretso ako sa CR para maligo. Then..." I said as my chest began to tighten yet again. Muli akong pumikit at huminga nang malalim. Ibinaba ko iyong mga kamay ko at hinawakan sila.

"Then..." I repeated, begging my hands to stop trembling. Kier's dead. He's gone. He couldn't hurt me anymore. "Then... he saw me taking pills." Muli akong huminga nang malalim. "Sinubukan kong magsalita, pero mabilis iyong mga pangyayari. S-Sinigawan niya ako agad. Mabilis siyang nagalit. P-Pinagbintangan niya ako na ayaw ko siyang bigyan ng anak. Hindi ako maka-sagot. H-Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ipapaliwanag na n-natatakot lang naman ako... W-Wala pang tatlong buwan nung nawala 'yung... 'yung baby ko... Ayokong maulit. Baka ikamatay ko kapag naulit."

Ipinikit ko iyong mga mata ko. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na wala na si Kier. Hindi niya na ako kayang saktan. Pero kahit ano'ng sabi ko sa sarili ko, paulit-ulit kong naririnig bawat pagsigaw niya. Bawat pagsigaw ko. Bawat paghingi ko ng tulong. Bawat pagmamakaawa ko sa kanya na tumigil na.

"Tapos... sinampal niya ako. Malakas. Agad akong natumba. Tumama iyong ulo ko sa bathtub," sabi ko habang pabilis nang pabilis ang tibok ng puso ko.

Mabilis na tumulo ang luha ko.

Mabilis kong pinigilan.

I didn't want to keep on crying.

But everything was coming back to me. I could feel his hand on my body. I could feel the sting on my cheek. I could feel the pain on my skull.

And worse... I could hear his voice as he screamed at me.

It made me want to die.

I just wanted it to stop.

"H-Hindi ako naka-tayo agad. Nahihilo ako. Masakit lahat. Ni hindi ko magawang sabihin sa kanya na tama na... na nasasaktan na ko... Galit na galit siya sa akin... Hinila niya iyong buhok ko hanggang sa maka-balik kami sa kwarto..." Huminga ako nang malalim. "Tapos... tapos paggising ko... Paggising ko, wala na siya."

Walang nagsalita.

Walang gumalaw.

Hindi ko alam kung paanong uulitin ko lahat ng sinabi ko sa harap ng ibang tao. Paano ko sasabihin sa kanila lahat ng pinagdaanan ko. I felt so vulnerable. So helpless... So fucking pitiful.

This wasn't me.

I couldn't recognize even my own voice.

"Jax—"

"I need a second," sabi niya bago mabilis na tumayo at lumabas. Ni hindi ko nagawang tignan ang mga mata niya. O baka naman iniwasan ko. Ayokong makita siyang nahihirapan tuwing naririnig niya iyong kwento ko. Ayokong maging dahilan muli kung bakit siya umiiyak.

Naka-tingin ako sa kawalan, naghihintay sa pagbabalik niya. Nang muling bumukas ang pinto, kita ko iyong pamumula ng mata niya, pero mas pinili kong 'wag pansinin iyon.

"Autopsy result will come out tomorrow," pormal niyang sabi. "Initial reports mentioned a knife. Alam mo ba kung paano napunta iyon sa kwarto?"

Umiling ako. Muli, walang maisagot.

"I'll get a photo of the knife, or if you can still remember it, doon ba talaga sa rest house iyong kutsilyo?" he asked.

Nahihiya akong umiling. "Hindi ko matandaan... Hindi ko maialis iyong mga mata ko kay Kier..."

He nodded, taking down notes. "But you'll remember if you see the knife?"

I nodded. "Yes. I personally bought all the items in that house."

"Good," sabi niya. "I'll request for a doctor to examine you. May masakit ba sa 'yo? Sa braso mo?"

Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili ko. My shoulder felt sore. I could still feel nauseous at times. Hindi ko alam kung epekto pa rin ba iyon ng pagkaka-bagok ng ulo ko o sa paghatak ni Kier sa buhok ko o dahil lang ba nasisikipan ako sa kulungan.

"Iyong balikat ko... Pakiramdam ko tumama siya nung tumama iyong ulo ko sa bathtub."

Jax remained quiet for a minute, just writing some words in his notes. I took the opportunity to look at him. I had always dreamed that we would end up together. I had always dreamed that he would work... like this... and I would watch him... but I never dreamed that I would be at the other side of the table... I never thought that he would have to save me from spending my life in jail...

"Jax..." pagtawag ko sa pangalan niya. Tumingin siya sa akin. Parang nahigit ko na naman ang hininga ko dahil lang tumingin siya sa akin. "What will I say if Iñigo asks? Wala akong maalala... Wala pa rin akong maalala..."

"Don't worry about that."

Umiling ako. "I won't lie, Jax. You can lose your license."

He looked at me like he was trying to match the intensity of my stares. I didn't know yet what he would do... but I wanted him to know the thing that I would not let him do.

"And you can lose your liberty. Stop worrying about me."

"No. You can't force me."

"Let's hope it doesn't have to come to that."

"Jax," I said, warning him.

"Look, it's difficult that you don't remember anything, but we just have to prove that you're not guilty beyond reasonable doubt. You still remember everything I taught you before, right?" tanong niya. Biglang bumalik sa akin lahat ng mga nangyari dati... Parang kahapon lang...

Naka-tingin siya sa mga mata ko.

Nalunod na naman ako.

"We can't use BWS. We can't use self-defense. But we can prove that you weren't capable of killing him. Your shoulder, for example. And we're still waiting for the autopsy. We have to know how deep the wound is, the angle, the precision. We still have a lot of things we can use..." he said to my silence. "Don't you trust me, Katherine?"

Umawang ang labi ko. "Of course, I trust you..." I answered. I trust him with my life. If he tells me to jump, I would. I trust him more than I trust myself.

"Good. And Katherine, the arraignment has already been scheduled. You'll see Kier's family. Prepare for that," sabi niya habang mabilis na gumapang ang takot sa buong katawan ko.