#PTG29 Chapter 29

Jax... Jax had to leave the room. I needed that, too. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako magpapatuloy sa pagsasabi ng mga nangyayari habang nakikita ko kung paano bumabagsak ang luha mula sa mga mata niya.

Akala ko naranasan ko na iyong sobrang sakit. Pero iba pa rin pala na makita mo iyong taong mahal mo na nasasaktan. Ibang klaseng sakit. Hindi maipaliwanag. Hindi kayang ipaliwanag.

Tahimik kong tinuyo ang luha ko habang naghihintay sa pagbabalik niya. Tahimik kong binilang ang bawat segundo. Ayokong ma-blangko ang isip ko. Kasi natatakot ako sa pwedeng puntahan ng isip ko. I hid so many memories inside my head—most of them haunting me even in my sleep. I wanted to bury them... but they had a way of finding their way back to me.

When the door opened again, umawang ang labi ko nang isang pamilyar na mukha ang sumalubong sa akin. A smile appeared on her face.

"I never thought we'd see each other again like this."

I pressed my lips. Sinubukan kong ibuka ang bibig ko, pero hindi ko magawa. Sila... pa rin ba? Naaalala ko pa rin kung paano ko silang nakita dati. Ilang beses sinabi ni Jax sa akin dati na wala siyang gusto kay Cha. Nagbago na rin ba 'yun?

Naupo siya sa harapan ko. May mga ibinaba siyang folders. She looked different from when I last saw her. Kagaya ni Jax, nagbago siya. Ako... ako nagbago din ako. Hindi nga lang kagaya nila. I changed for the worst. I felt the worst.

"Why... are you here?" I asked, wanting to know what was happening. Why was she here? Tinawag ba siya ni Jax? Ipinapasa niya na ba ako sa iba? Ganoon ba niya ka-ayaw sa akin?

Cha smiled, clasping her hands together. "Jax called me."

I bit my lower lip. "Ah..." Iyon lang ang nagawa kong sabihin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi ko magawang magalit kay Jax. Meron na siyang iba. Gusto kong magalit, pero hindi ko magawa. May maliit na parte sa akin na masaya para sa kanya. Gusto ko lang naman siyang maging masaya. Ito na 'yun.

Dati, gusto ko na ako lang iyong nagpapasaya sa kanya. Nagbago na pala pati iyon. Ngayon, gusto ko na lang siyang maging masaya. It didn't even matter if it was with me. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na baka hindi ko na rin siya mapasaya. Paano ko siya gagawing masaya kung ako sa sarili ko, nalimutan na yata kung ano ang pakiramdam ng pagiging masaya.

Cha raised her hand, showing a ring on her finger.

Agad sumikip ang dibdib ko. Agad kong nahigit iyong hininga ko.

"I'm already engaged... but not to Jax. That guy's too broken for me to fix," she said, giving me a smile of pity. "I'm just here as his associate, Katherine."

Hindi ko pa rin nagawang magsalita. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya.

"I... I kinda feel responsible for your break-up."

"Don't blame yourself. It was my choice," I quickly cut her off. I was tired of blaming other people for what happened to my life. It was my choice. Everything was my choice. It was easier to accept my fate when I only had myself to blame.

She smiled. "Still—"

"He's a lawyer now. We got what we both wanted."

She pursed her lips. "Right." Then she paused. Huminga siya nang malalim. "I'm here because... Frankly, I'm here because Jax called to say that he needed a rational perspective." Tinignan niya ako nang mabuti. "He's too emotionally invested in this case."

I stared back. "I doubt that."

"Do you really think that, Katherine?" balik tanong niya sa akin. "Because I just saw him before I got here. I'd known him since law school. I'd seen him get shouted at by countless of professors. I'd seen him argue in court. I'd seen him listen to sob stories from his pro-bono cases. That guy doesn't cry. Ngayon lang. Ikaw lang ang nagpaiyak sa kanya. Tell me, do you still think you're right?"

She stared at me, as if she was taunting me to disagree. I didn't want to argue. I was tired. And I knew she was wrong. Jax pitied me. That's all I would allow myself to think. Hanggang doon lang ang pwede ako.

She began to ask me questions when the door swung open. Sabay kaming napa-tingin sa pagpasok ni Jax. His eyes weren't red anymore, but I could still see the traces of what happened earlier. He might try to hide it, but I could still see it. I chose to see it.

"Jax," Cha said. "I pulled files from similar cases. Ifa-file na raw nung prosec iyong case. Hopefully, mapunta tayo sa maayos na judge. The last one was a nightmare."

Jax wasn't listening to her. His eyes were on me—his eyes never left me. I felt the air getting knocked out of my chest. I felt so horrible. I felt like my soul was burning in hell. Kier just died... yet here I was, letting myself get carried by the current of Jax's stares.

"I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about, but I think we need to settle our priorities here," pagbasag ni Cha sa katahimikan. "We need to brief Katherine sa kung ano ang sasabihin niya mamaya."

Jax clenched his jaw. I could see his rapid breathing. "Tell us what happened that night," he whispered... barely uttering the words as if he didn't want to hear them.

Cha gave me a sympathetic smile as if she was urging me to begin. Inilabas niya iyong notebook niya. Sabay silang naka-tingin sa akin, hinihintay kung paano ko sisimulang sabihin ang lahat.

Huminga ako nang malalim. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko gagawin. Ilang beses nilang ipapaulit. Dito. Sa korte. Para akong mabubuhay sa bangungot na pilit kong kinakalimutan.

"That night..." I began. "Kier wanted to go to Batangas."

"Why?" Cha asked when Jax remained silent. She looked at Jax, but he wasn't moving. He was just looking at me as if he was trying to memorize every contour of my face.

"He was in a good mood."

"So, umaalis kayo kapag good mood siya?"

I nodded. "It's... It's his way of apologizing, I guess."

"Apologizing for what?" Cha pressed.

"Cha—" Jax said as if he was reprimanding her.

She looked at him sharply. "I'm here as her lawyer, too. Let me do my job, all right? I know it's hard, but we need to talk about this. We need to know every details para alam natin kung saan tayo magfofocus. You know the Ramirez family. They'd play dirty to get what they want."

Parang nagtatalo ang tingin nila. Alam kong tama siya... I needed to talk about this. But I didn't know how to talk about this in front of Jax. His mere presence was enough to make my chest tighten in pain. Him looking at me was enough to bring tears in my eyes.

"Go on, please," Cha said when Jax backed down.

"It... It was his way of apologizing when..." I said as I tried to swallow the pain that was blocked in my throat. "When he hurt me."

She nodded as she kept on taking down notes. "Okay. This... hurting. Gaano kadalas nangyari?"

I bit my lower lip as I tried to take a deep breath. My hands began to tremble as memories of him hurting me began to flood my mind. Alaala kung paano niya ako sinasaktan... kung paano niya ako tinulak... kung bakit namatay iyong baby ko.

Mabilis kong pinunasan iyong luha sa mga mata ko.

"I don't know... Ten? Fifteen? I can't remember."

Hindi naka-takas sa mga mata ko kung paanong itinago ni Jax iyong mga kamay niyang kanina ay naka-patong din sa lamesa. Kung paano siya nag-iwas ng tingin nang sabihin ko iyon.

"Did you ever go to the hospital?"

I shook my head. "No... He'd always call our family doctor."

"Shit. So, no hospital records," Cha mumbled. She turned to look at Jax. "Do you wanna go outside first? I can handle this."

Jax was looking at me. I could still see how his eyes were beginning to turn red. Gusto kong abutin iyong mukha niya para punasan iyong luha niya. Gusto kong ibulong sa kanya na 'wag na siyang umiyak. Gusto kong sabihin sa kanya na wala siyang kasalanan. Na 'wag na siyang masaktan para sa akin... That I wanted to hurt for the both of us. That he didn't need to feel the pain for me.

Umiling siya habang nanatili ang mga mata sa akin. Hindi ko magawang ialis ang tingin ko sa kanya. Ang lapit namin... but it still felt like there was an invisible wall separating us. A wall made out of all the pain that we made each other feel.

"No..." he said, his eyes never leaving mine. "Continue."

Cha broke the silence yet again. "Okay... So, if there are no hospital records, do you have other proof that he's hurting you? And may time stamp ba? If we want to use BWS, we need to establish the cycle of violence."

Agad na bumalik sa isip ko lahat ng pinag-aralan ko noon. Mapait na napa-ngiti ako. Never... never would I have imagined that I'd be the victim of domestic abused. That I would be a victim of the Battered Woman Syndrome...

Mapait akong umiling. Hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag. Ni minsan, hindi ko inisip na isang araw, kakailanganin ko ng pruweba laban kay Kier. I knew he loved me... I wouldn't have married him if I didn't feel that he cared for me.

I could see the disapproval in Cha's face. Alam ko. Ang tanga ko. Nagpaka-tanga na naman ako. Akala ko matalino ako... mali pala. Kagaya lang din pala ako ng iba. Hindi ginagamit ang isip.

"How about self-defense?" she suggested.

"No," mabilis na sagot ni Jax—kasing bilis ng panlalamig ko dahil sa lamig ng boses niya. Pero kahit na ganoon, hindi pa rin niya inaalis ang tingin sa akin. His eyes were solely on my face. Never leaving it... almost like he was afraid that I'd vanish out of thin air.

"Why not? We can establish marital dispute. Look, she still has the bruises—" turo niya sa braso ko. Kita ko ang pag-igting ng panga ni Jax nang para bang sinuri niya iyong buong mukha ko para muling maghanap ng iba pang bakas ng pananakit ni Kier.

His breathing started to deepen again. I could tell by the steady rising and falling of his chest. He looked like he was trying to control himself... but badly failing to do so.

"Rule of law. Innocent until proven guilty. If we use self-defense, we'll be confessing that she killed him. The burden will shift to us to prove that she was merely defending herself. It will now be guilty until proven innocent," he stated like it was lifted from the back of his mind.

Habang binabanggit niya ang bawat salita, hindi niya inaalis ang tingin sa akin. Gusto kong bumitiw, pero hindi ko magawa. I was trying to be selfish again, letting myself relish every seconds that he's here in front of me.

"Brilliant bastard," Cha mumbled.

"Can you leave us for a moment?" Jax asked.

Cha didn't say a word. Tahimik siyang tumayo, at lumabas. Nang maiwan kaming dalawa, hindi ko mabilang kung ilang segundo ang lumipas na naka-tingin lang kami sa isa't-isa.

"Did you kill him?" Jax asked after that blaring silence engulfed us.

My entire system was trembling when I began to shake my head. "I... I don't know."

Nanatili akong naka-tingin sa kanya, hinihintay ang susunod niyang sasabihin. Pero para akong nalulunod sa mga mata niya. Sa lalim ng pagtingin niya sa akin.

"But maybe I did... I hated him for everything that he did to me..." bulong ko habang unti-unting nagsisikip ang dibdib ko. Unti-unti siyang lumalabo sa paningin ko. Unti-unting muli na namang napuno ng tubig ang mga mata ko.

"I... I kinda wished that I did... Para naman may dahilan iyong pagkaka-kulong ko..."

Malungkot akong ngumiti. For a year, I had been extremely happy. Maybe that was enough. Maybe I should be contented with that. That once in my life, I had been blessed to experience the kind of happiness that everyone search for their whole life...

The kind of happiness that once gone, would make everything in your life bleak in comparison.

I had that.

Once.

And for that, I was cursed to live a lonely life from then on.

Because nothing... no one could compare to the happiness that I felt before.

"You won't stay here for long," he said.

I smiled, wiping the tears from my eyes. "Don't give me false hope."

"I'll get you out of here... Or die trying," he promised. "And... I would've killed him myself if I had the chance."

Mabilis na umawang ang labi ko. Halos malunod ako sa intensidad ng titig niya nang biglang bumukas ang pintuan. The expression on Cha's face alarmed me. Something must've gone wrong. Terribly wrong. 

"Mrs. Ramirez, Atty. Yuchengco... I'll be the prosecutor for this case," Iñigo said while looking me in the eye.