I was so tempted to drive to the nearest liquor store and buy out the whole shelf of vodka. I wanted to forget it already, the moans, the squeaking of the bed springs, the words that were spoken afterwards...how could they do this to me? How could they? Did they not think of my feelings at all when they decided to do this? How long has this been going on? Is that the reason Nade moved in with them in the first place, to sleep with them? My stomach lurched and a small, quiet sob escaped my throat when I opened my lips. I'm so pathetic. They aren't mine to keep anymore, they weren't mine anymore when they broke up with me and I shouldn't be so hurt that they want to hook up with each other.

But I was. I felt like someone was twisting a knife into my chest, it hurt like literal hell. Why? I have no right to feel like this, why do I feel like this?

"Shit!" I cursed loudly, slamming breaks just in time to prevent myself from ramming into a huge truck in front of me. Pull yourself together you wimp, you're gonna total Jordan's car.

Blowing out a stream of cool air, I let myself sink against the back of the seat. Just forget it happened. That's the only way you're gonna get through this without alcohol, you have to pretend you didn't hear what you just heard.

And that's what I did. I turned up the radio and blared out my thoughts all the way back to Jordan's apartment. That was probably a bad mistake on my end. The radio is always ready to torture you with songs that remind you of how sucky your life is. You can imagine what kind of stupid, sickening love songs played all the way there. I felt like throwing the radio out of the windshield.

When I finally got back to Jordan's place, he was recording in his gaming room so I didn't bother him. Instead, I went to his couch, laid down, and tried my best to block out the thoughts swarming around my head. The dreams were a lot worse.

~

I was in the middle of the road again, cars and metal and burnt car parts scattered everywhere. In the midst of the rubble I could see three figures staring down at me in hatred, three figures I used to care for so dearly and love so much.

"You know what? I'm done! I'm sick of this shit, I'm sick of you, I'm sick of living like this! Enjoy the single life Tommy, because guess what? Your sorry ass is single now!" Nades words felt all too familiar. He had said them before, and they had crushed me then.

"I just don't think this is working out T..." Tony still sounded as disappointed and depressed as he had when he said the sentence the first time.

"Tom, I don't want to see you anymore." Josh had quoted the exact words he'd said to me the day he kicked me out.

"Why?" I asked them, sobbing. "What's wrong with me?"

But none of them said anything. They had begun chatting with each other, laughing at jokes they made, getting on perfectly fine without me. And then they started kissing, hugging, groping...

"What did I do?!" I asked desperately. They sent me death glares, all three of them. They hated me. Why do they hate me? What did I do?

"Asshole," Tony spat at me. "That's all you ever were to me."

"You never cared about me," answered Josh in a condescending tone. "You were too immature anyway."

Nades words hurt the worst. "You stopped loving me. I loved you so much, and you ruined that. You're the reason for your own misery. Why else would we all hate your guts enough to have a threesome dedicated to how much we despise you? This is your fault. Won't be long until Jordan hates you too."

"No!" I shouted at them. "Jordan is different! I won't hurt him, he won't hate me!"

Nade only smirked at me. "He already does."

"NO!" I screamed at them, clawing at my ears in hopes that it would drown out their moans and the smell of burnt metal...

"I don't hate you."

His warm, soft, and welcoming voice woke me from my hellish nightmares. Have I mentioned before how beautiful his eyes are? Well if I have, I need to do it ten more times. It's like staring at two brown suns, it almost hurts to look up into them but god I can never look away. My head is in his lap. Why is my head here?

"Sorry," I apologized in a raspy voice. "Weird dreams."

Jordan dismissed the apology with a wave of his hand. "It's fine, you can't help it. Why are you on the couch?"

"I dunno."

"You don't know?"

"Nope."

He didn't believe it for a second. But instead of pressing on the manner like I predicted, he heaved a heavy sigh and rubbed my cheeks with his thumbs lovingly. "You look really sad. Who did what?"

"Nobody did nothing. I'm just really tired."

"Come sleep in my bed then, this couch might as well be a rock with how uncomfy it is."

"Nah. That's okay."

"I won't ask about anything else. Please? I like laying beside of you, it helps me sleep."

"My...arm hurts. I kinda just wanna suffer alone if you don't mind." I put a hand on my injured arm and gave a fake wince. He didn't seem to believe me.

"Either you come sleep in the bed, or I come sleep in the floor."

"Jordan."

"Tommy."

Ow. A literal stab of pain shot through my chest and I had to hold my breath so I wouldn't gasp out in pain. "Don't call me that, please. Call me anything besides that."

"My love?"

I snorted. "Your love? We aren't together."

"I love you though. I don't hate you, I could never hate you."

"Cheesy shit."

"Depressed squish."

"Hey! That's my word!" I poked him in one of his squishy cheeks and he giggled, smacking my hand away.

"Please don't be sad...we can take a shower before bed if it'll make you feel better?"

"Thanks, but...surprisingly, your ass doesn't seem to be the solution to my problems right now."

"What is the solution then?"

"Not sure. What if I told you I wanted to go home?"

"I'd be really sad because then I would feel like I failed at cheering you up."

"Ah. Guess that's not an option then."

He smiled. "I'm not gonna interrogate you, but I just want you to know I'm here if you wanna talk about it."

"Alright then. I'll tell you, but it'll be blunt and I won't explain it because I'll break down in tears again."

He nodded furiously, taking hold of my hands for moral support. I took a deep breath and forced the words out. "When I got there, I heard them..."

"Heard them what?"

"I heard them doing it."

"Doing it?"

"Ugh! Damn it Jordan, I heard them fucking! It was Nade and Josh and Tony...and I heard them."

"Okay first of all, language, and second of all are you sure? Because it could've been something else-"

"I recognize their moans, I've had sex with all of them at least ten times."

He skin went pale as a sheet. "Oh. I-I'm sorry you had to hear that then."

I sat up, huffing. "I just...I feel so betrayed. I know they weren't mine, they aren't objects but...Jesus, this really hurts for some reason."

"I'm sure no one blames you for feeling hurt that your ex boyfriends had a threesome. I would feel hurt-"

"-and what am I supposed to do about this? Cry? That stupid I can't-"

"-maybe you should just ask-"

"-tell them that I'm not okay with it, they don't even know I was there in the first-"

"-it would help if you-"

"-they'd think I was a stalker, not to mention a jealous asshole for telling them they can't-"

"Tom!"

"What?"

"Listen to me, just for a second?"

"Sorry, go ahead."

"Well-...well, I just...you know, I'm right here if you need anything."

I raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "I know that?"

He frowned. "No, I mean...well, I'm here."

"I have no idea what you're on about."

He shut his eyes impossibly tight and sucked in a deep breath. "Why worry about them having sex when you could be doing the same?"

"When I could be doing the-...wha- with you?"

"Yes! And, you know, if you were okay with it I could call up Max or-"

"No! No no no, I-I don't want you to get mixed up in this shit..."

"What does that mean? You were fine with taking my virginity yesterday."

"I wasn't going to have sex with you!"

"What were you going to do then?!"

"I don't know, something besides that! I don't want your virginity!"

It was like I'd just shot him in the stomach. He stared at me for the longest time with his mouth partly open, and I had to think for a minute about what'd I said to make him act like that. Oh. I don't want your virginity sounds pretty harsh now that I think about it.

"So were you just expecting a blow job or something?" He asked bitterly, sitting up from my lap and glaring sadder sat me. "You don't actually want me like that?" He asked, tears starting to built up in his eyes. Crap. I can't go one day without making somebody feel like shit, can I?

"No, Jordan don't cry on me. You know I didn't mean it like that. Of course I want you, you have to bat me off daily for trying to get you. I just don't want to take your virginity from you. I don't want your first time to be me." But I don't want it to be anyone else either.

"Why not?" He asked, exasperated.

"Because I just don't," I replied quietly. "I love you to death and I want you more than anything, but...not until you take care of your V-card."

He calmed down a little then. I somehow managed to get him back into my lap again, and I wrapped my arms taunt around his waist so he couldn't leave again. "Who is it gonna be then?" He asked, nearly whispering. "If you won't, who will?"

I shrugged. "That's up to you."

"But I want it to be you."

"It can't be me."

"Why not?"

"Can we just not talk about this?" I asked, groaning. "I'm tired. I've had the worst day of my life, and I really just want to be alone. I'm sorry."

"Well I am too."

"And why is that?"

He crawled into my lap and snuggled up into my chest, placing a knee directly where it didn't need to be. I whimpered in fear and Jordan smiled. "I'm not going anywhere. Sorry."

I didn't know sass could be a turn on, but hot damn do I know now. "You're a stubborn thing, aren't ya?" I teased half heartedly. Fight the Dom. Fight the Dom. I will not go down submissive without a fight, and definitely not willingly.

Purring almost like a cat, he kneed me harder in the sensitive spot and I groaned at the sensation. "Stubborn as mule," he replied softly. "You'll give in one day, my love."

"Don't count on it darling. I'm just as stubborn." His response was to curl up further against me, but I didn't mind once he let up on my poor crotch a little bit. I pulled him into my arms with false reluctance, letting my own head rest against the top of his. I could feel his heartbeat. I could feel his hipbone rubbing up against my navel and his chilly toes pressing the surface of my ankles. "So...about London..." I interrupted nervously. His toes continued their work up my legs as he looked up at me.

"Mhm?" He asked gently.

"C-Can we go sooner? I hate this place." It was meant as a stupid joke, but as soon as I said it I could see the wheels start to turn in his mind. He's already thinking up ways to fly to London quicker.

"I guess I could fly us out earlier and rent the hotel room out more than I originally bought it for, the company wouldn't mind for sure-"

"I'm kidding, I'm not making you spend your money on me more than absolutely necessary. But don't expect me to leave your couch for a few days, I'm in sulking mode and that takes awhile to get out of."

A soft smile appeared on his pretty pink lips. "I'll wait," he whispered. "You should sleep. It's been an awful day for you, huh?"

"The worst," I mumbled miserably. "Thank god you're here."

"Tomorrow will be better. I'll make it better."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Night Tom."

"Night, darling."

"I hate that nickname."

"Night, Sparkly Dick."

"Better. Goodnight."

~

I didn't have the same dreams that I'd been having, the reoccurring ones of Jordan being killed in a car accident nor the ones where Nade and the Modesteps are sexing it up right in front of me. This one was disturbingly pleasant in a way that was strangely unfamiliar. Ever since I was little I'd have the worst nightmares about shit that scared the hell out of me, and I don't think I'd ever had a good dream before, one that didn't involve death or my own dastardly demise in it anyway.

The bedroom felt chilly in my dream. I wasn't sure if it was because of a draft from the window or the fact that I wore no clothes at all while I slept in silken red sheets. I snuggled into the only warmth I could find, which coincidentally was the also naked man in bed beside me. He moaned tiredly when I wrapped my arms around his waist and tucked my head in his beautiful shoulder blades. Who it was, I didn't care. I just wanted this person to never to leave me. To never blame me. To never walk away.

"Please don't leave me," I whispered to him. "I can't take it anymore."

"You can't take what any more?" His sleepy voice responded. I hugged on tighter and mumbled my answer into his skin.

"People leaving. I don't want anyone else to leave."

"Then don't leave anybody else, and nobody else will leave you."

"Will that work?"

"You could give it a try. Might as well, mh?"

"Yeah. Who are you?"

"Who do you think I am?" He asked, sounding almost amused.

"I dunno...Jordan?"

He didn't turn around to let me see if my theory was right, not that I cared all that much who he was. I just wanted him to stay and love me. That's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted.

"You just want someone to be with, don't you? Doesn't really matter who, does it?"

"No, I don't care who the hell it is. I just want it to be somebody. So you'll stay, won't you?"

"That depends on you, baby." He turned over, but I didn't get a glimpse at his face before I buried it into his warm chest. A part of me wanted to know who he was, but an even bigger part of me wanted it to remain a secret. My head dispelled the pesky thoughts of his identity when he began massaging my head gently, lovingly. Can I marry this man right now?

"Never thought I'd be a full time submissive..." I said, embarrassed a little by how dominant this guy seemed. He chuckled at me and kissed the top of my head.

"Not full time, more like half. I think you're forgetting the nights when you've had too much to drink."

"So...I dominate sometimes?"

"I think it's time to get up, Tom."

"No..."

"Tom."

"No."

"Tom!"

I screamed a girlish scream when two small fingers jabbed into both sides of my ribs, making me jump halfway off the couch and causing my head to collide directly into Jordan's. He let out an dignified ow! and slapped me on the arm. "That hurt, your forehead must be made of lead or something...come on, get dressed were going out." Pouting, he rubbed a red spot on his forehead and stood from the couch. He was already dressed, and of course it was in his signature black shirt and grey shorts.

I gave him a dirty look and slapped him right back on the hand. "You have to change too, I'm not going out in public with you while you're dressed like a hobo."

"I like dressing this way!" He defended.

"Well I don't. I like when you dress nice, it makes me look less like trash. I'm not getting off this couch until you change, squishy." I poked him playfully right in an area of chub and he scowled, smacking my hand away.

"Fine. Please wear the outfit I picked out for you? That's all I'm asking."

"...what did you pick out for me?"

"It's laying on the sink in the bathroom, hurry up!" He disappeared quickly through the hallway, and I groaned in his direction.

"Alright, jeez..." I muttered, tossing my warm blanket off. I don't remember getting a blanket last night. That little shit must've got us one...
Using every bit of strength that I possessed, I managed to pull myself off the couch and lug my body to the bathroom. I shivered the entirety of the trip and though my morning mood was starting to settle in, I was still a tad grumpy about how cold the hardwood floor was and how I had to give up precious time of my beauty sleep. But that changed when I saw the outfit laid out on the sink counter.

I hate nice clothes. I specifically like hoodies, black t-shirts, and baggy jeans, sometimes baggy jean shorts in the summer...but button ups? And skinny jeans? It was a white button up, and it looked almost brand new as it sat there intimidatingly on the sink ledge. The sky blue light wash skinny jeans really made my heart sink into the deepest confines of my stomach. I can't fit in those, there's no way. I'm not that skinny. I've gained some weight since last summer, haven't I? The drinking and the junk food and laying in bed all day must've gained me a few pounds...

Shrinking against the wall and making myself as small as possible, I cracked the bathroom door open a little and poked my head out. "J-Jordan?" I called faintly.

"What?" I heard him call back from far away.

"I-...can you get me some other pants?"

There was a silent pause. "Tom, just try them on okay? I'll be there in a minute!"

Ugh. I closed the door back and confronted the pants again. They were way too small. What was Jordan thinking in getting me these? It'd be a funny joke to remind Tom how much weight he's gained since he lost everything?
I guess I could just try them on for a minute, just to laugh at myself in the mirror and promise to never wear them ever again.

Hesitating slightly, I began to slip on the clothes. The button up went on first, and it was actually pretty comfy now that I thought about it. It took me awhile to work up the courage to slide on the jeans. But finally, after remembering my little promise to Jordan, I huffed and gave in. They slid on easier than I thought they would, but it was still a pretty tight squeeze around my thighs and ass. When I buttoned and zipped them up, I took a deep breath before stepping out in front of the mirror.

And I couldn't look at myself. My eyes went directly towards the frame of the mirror instead of in it, and I found that I couldn't bring myself to look where I was supposed to. It'll hurt my confidence, I know. But it's not like there's much left. The threesome between my ex boyfriends sort of destroyed the most that I had.

The door to the bathroom creaked open and in walked Jordan, looking absolutely stunning in his new outfit. I never knew a boy could look so good in a flannel, but just the sight of Jordan Maron wearing a deep red flannel and tight fitting jeans with the most adorable black converses ever...it gave me chill bumps all over my arms. "Hey- oh wow! You look great, I'm glad they-...what's wrong?"

I must've looked how I felt, scared and terribly uncomfortable. What if he's lying? What if he's lying so I won't get upset? I probably have fat rolls sticking out everywhere, and he's not telling the truth about it. "I don't want to wear these," I answered, sounding very strained and weak.

"Well they look really good on you. Are you sure? Look in the mirror again-"

"I don't like looking in the mirror."

"What? Why not?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not that fond of my face and the rest of my body. Looking at it really ruins my day, y'know?" I moved to unbutton the top of my jeans, but a soft hand was placed on top of mine and kept me from doing it. Jordan sighed, wrapping his arms around my waist and forcing my body towards the mirror. I didn't dare let myself look into that mirror, because I knew I'd regret it. The last time I ever looked at myself I cried, for three days, about how ugly I looked.

"Jordan, I don't want to..." I whined, trying with failure to slip away from him. He kept me pinned though.

"You've got this weird, awful bubbling feeling in your chest and tummy when you look, don't you?"

I nodded.

"I know that feeling too. Tom I love you, inside and out. I love every extra bit of fat on you, I love every more imperfection, I love all things that involve you! The only way to get rid of that awful feeling is to face it and believe what I'm telling you. Just saying."

My eyes still remained on the frame just outside the mirror. "...there's a reason why I've been dumped over five times..." I mumbled sadly. "There's a reason why my ex boyfriends had a threesome. There's a reason behind...behind all the times I've been called slutty, disgusting, dirty-"

"And you aren't the reason," Jordan finished firmly. "Please look. The mirror won't crack, I won't call you any of those things, and I certainly won't leave you. Please."

I sighed. What have I got to lose anyway? My confidence and self image is already destroyed beyond repair.

I glanced up at the mirror.
~~~

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVERRRR LEE UPDATED A BOOK!

Yah I'm lazy and I have no excuse for procrastinating everything :3 so how was your day? Good? Bad? Do you want to cry? It's okay to cry, just cry on my virtual shoulder and I will hold you with my digital arms \(^.^)/ I love you and I hope you have an even better day tomorrow <3

Hope you enjoyed! Pretty please leave comments and votes! I appreciate every single one, I promise ^.^

Bye bye!

- Lee

(Also I may or may not have created Tom and Jordan in the sims and made them live in the same house and date each other hehe im rlly excited about that xD)

Byeeee! <3