"This good?"

"A little further down..."

I moved my hands lower across his skin, and his response was to go limp and let out a soft groan into his pillow. I'm guessing that's where he wanted me to go. I put more pressure into my thumbs as I massaged around the bruised area of his spine. It didn't look that bad anymore. It looked light brown and a bit dark in the middle, but I could tell it was healing really well. He might actually be able to go home in a few days.

I don't want him to.

"Right there...oh god, you have magic hands Tom..." He was gripping onto my pillow for dear life with his eyes clenched shut, and it was probably the second sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. Unfortunately this didn't top our moment in the shower the other day, but...I'm supposed to be pretending as if that never happened, so I'm not really allowed to think about it.

"Relax your shoulders, you're tense as hell everywhere."

"It's hard!" He whined, still gripping my bed pillow like it was his life line. "This feels so good, please don't ever stop."

"Just chill out. Be loud if you want to, Sonja and Tucker aren't back yet so you don't have to worry about them." I dug my palms into the skin just above his waist. He let out a strangled...whatever the hell the noise he made was, and I laughed at it. "Stop holding back your moans, you little sausage."

"What if- gah! Your n-neighbors hear?"

"Well if they come over here and complain, I'll just kick their asses and tell them I'm giving a crippled boy physical therapy. Then they'll be bruised physically and embarrassed to high hell. Don't worry about them, okay?" I began to press my fingers into the area around his spine, making whimpers erupt from the bruised boy underneath me.

"That hurt?" I asked attentively. I don't want to hurt him, I just want to get the kinks out of his back. He's really messed up from laying in bed so long, I'm surprised he hasn't broken down from the amount of cramps and twisted knots in his back and shoulders.

"In a good way," he replied, panting. "Hurts in a good way."

He's still not relaxing. Maybe it's because he's gripping that pillow so hard. I reached up and gently pulled his arms away from the pillow, making him whine in protest. Just scold him a little, he'll listen. "You're too tense, let go of it or you're gonna lock up and it'll hurt like hell Jordan."

He reluctantly let me pull his hands away and tuck them under his stomach, and then I pushed his body a little further up so his head rested on the edge of the bed. I took the pillow he'd previously been holding and raised him up, only to push the pillow underneath his stomach to prop him up and lessen the strain on his back. I've done this a lot before, trust me when I say I know what I'm doing.

"Tommm...I have nothing to hold on to."

"Curl your toes and take deep breaths is all I can tell you. And try not to squirm as much." As soon as my hands returned to the soft, slightly bruised area of his skin, he whined again and moved away from me.

"Tom please, I need something to hold on to...my fingernails are digging into my skin and it hurts."

I sighed and hopped off his butt for a second to grab a stuffed teddy laying on my carpet, before nudging him with it and laying it beside him. He whimpered softly and pulled the teddy close to him, clenching his eyes shut once more. "Thank you," he whispered. Adorable. I patted him on the head and sat back down on his ass to begin massaging his bruised spine again.

"You never did tell me that dream of yours Sparkly pants. I think you should tell me right now." Right now while you're at the complete mercy of my fingers. I could so pin him down to the sheets right now and tickle him mercilessly until he pisses on himself. I might just do that if he doesn't tell me what he promised last night.

"N-Nows not a g-good time T-Tom," he answered breathlessly.

"Nows a perfect time! And if you wont tell me, I'll just pin you down and tickle you until you piss yourself. Sound good?"

"What?! You can't do th- homygahd!" I pressed both thumbs into two points that I knew would shut him up, and he cried out as I massaged them alone.

"I can and I will. Tell me Sparklez...I know a few more points that will trigger your giggling reflexes."

"I-I don't...I don't have any dreams Tom...kids and marriage and anything that involves commitment, I just don't want it. I like my life how it is and-and I don't really want it to change."

Those words physically pained me. I don't know why I was so surprised and hurt by the new realization. Maybe in the back of my mind, I actually thought Jordan could be the person I'd share the house full of kids with. I had a small little dream that I could wake up next to him every morning, be by his side every day, hold him as he rocked my children to sleep. Last night gave me a whole new look on my dreams, a new hope that maybe I could actually achieve them and be happy.

Now that hope is crashing down.

"You don't want babies? A husband? You don't want any of that?" I tried not to sound so disappointed, but it was really hard considering one of my biggest dreams had been crushed so simply by a few little words. I slid off him and slumped onto the end of the bed, watching him as he sat up to face me.

"Well no, not really. It doesn't seem all that fun to me. Getting married to somebody and putting up with them until the day you die doesn't sound appealing to me and having to take care of a slobbering snotty baby doesn't sound too good either. And having more than one? Oh god, I couldn't take it. The crying and the smelly diapers and the puke...ugh, I can't deal with it. Guess we're pretty different in the dreams department, huh?" He chuckled, but I couldn't even attempt to fake a smile. I feel like he just ripped out my heart and ran over it with a car. No, I feel like he shredded it into a million tiny pieces and burned every last little shred. It hurts that bad.

"Tom?"

I didn't break out of my trance. I've never experienced this before, all my previous boyfriends and girlfriends always wanted a family and kids someday. Nade wanted thirty kids, ten dogs, and a shit load more of pets for the kids to play with. He loved babies, whenever we were out in public he always walked straight up to a mother who was carrying a baby and asked to hold it. Course sometimes he'd get some dirty looks and rude words from the mother for it, but most of the time the mothers were cool and let him hold their babies. He always coddled them and spoke in an adorable baby voice. He made me fall in love with the idea of having kids. If I had taken Nade up on that second chance, then maybe...

"Tom? Are you okay?" Jordan snapped his fingers in front of my face and broke me out of my thoughts. I still couldn't answer him. Now all that was racing through my mind was Nade and what ifs. If I fall in love with Jordan...I'll never have the life or the dream I've always wanted. If I try with Nade again, I will most definitely have that life if things go well.

I feel like I'm being ripped in half.

"I'm sorry," Jordan apologized softly. "That probably wasn't what you wanted to hear. But it's just not a dream of mine."

I didn't know what to say. I just lowered my eyes to my hands and stared at them. I need to call Nade. Not to beg him back, just to ask him what the hell I should do next. And then after that I need to call James. And then I need to call Sonja. I need all the advice I can get.

"I-I'll be right back, but don't worry it'll only be for a few minutes. Um, one second." I moved off the bed quickly, snatched my phone and keys from the bedside table, and took off out the front door. I unlocked my car and slid into the seat, closing the door and inclining the back rest all the way down. I let out the biggest breath of air I'd ever held in before. He probably thinks I'm nuts right now, doesn't he? Left right in the middle of a conversation and left the whole thing unresolved. But can you blame me? He crushed my dreams. Doesn't he know I really, really like him and I want to be with him for a really long time? Why did he spring that on me? He could've just lied...but then I would've known because he's a terrible liar. Eventually I would've heard that news anyway. Now was a good time to do it I suppose.
I wish I could've known before I spent the last two weeks fawning over him.

I raised my phone up to my face and dialed Nades number, pressing the phone up to my ear and staring at the ceiling of my car. What do I even say? I can't just say I'm upset because Jordan has different dreams than I do, that sounds bitchy and pathetic. I don't know how to go about this.

Finally the ringing ended and Nades voice sounded through the phone speaker. "Hello?"

"Hey Matty...you busy?" I was shocked at myself. I called him Matty, what the hell am I doing? Is my brain actually considering the idea of abandoning Jordan for Nade?

"Not busy at all Tommy. Everything good with you?" He sounded busy. I could hear fierce arguing in the background and high pitched squeaking that sounded a bit like a woman's voice, but it really sounded too annoying to be a woman's. Please tell me no human exists with a voice like that? Poor Matty, I feel so bad he has to put up with such awful people all day long. I mean Nade. Damn it.

"Would you want to go on a date after you get off work?" No no, what am I doing? Stop it brain, you're ruining me.

"A date? Are you messing with me right now?"

Ouch. That stung a bit. "I'm being serious. Do you?"

"Tommy I thought you had the hots for Jordy. What happened?"

"Nothing, I just want to go on a date with you. So do you want to?"

"Hell yes I do, but I know you don't mean it when you say you want to. What happened? Did you two get in an argument?"

"He...he doesn't want kids, Matty. He hates them."

I heard him chuckle over the other line. "Ahhh, so that's what this is about. Sad to think you come scurrying back to me when he doesn't work out. Second choice, amiright?"

Second choice? That's all Nade thinks he is to me? Well he's not, I'd pick him first if...if Jordan didn't exist. Hell, I wouldn't even be talking to Nade again is Jordan didn't exist. He's the one who convinced me to meet up with Nade. I would've never gone if he hadn't pushed me to go.

"It's okay Tommy, I know you don't mean anything by it. He hates kiddos, hm?"

"Said he never wants them. Never wants to get married. He doesn't want his life to change. At all. Ever."

"Well he's got some bad news coming his way: things always change. Maybe if you keep wooing him he'll change his mind one day. He'll want kids and marriage sometime, trust me."

"And what if I don't want to care about Jordan anymore? What if I just want to go out with you?"

"Then...let's go out I guess. But I wouldn't tell Jordy. You'll break his little heart."

"I know, but...I want kids Nade...I want to get married and have so many kids. If I keep hanging out with him and...if I fall in love with him, what the hell am I gonna do?"

I heard him sigh from the other side. "You're thinking way too much. He's really young and you are too. You never know, he might change his mind when he's forty something years old and people don't want to watch an old man play video games anymore."

"What if he never changes his mind?"

I heard the arguing getting louder, and pretty soon a shrill scream cut through the phone and I had to hold it back to keep my ear drums in tact. What is going on? "Nade what is happening in your store right now?"

"Two plastics are fighting over a damn pair of heels. Give me a second Tommy, I have to call the bitch police. Ones tryin' to rip the others hair out and she's doing a hell of a job. Be right back." He hung up. I sighed and punched in Wags number next, then waited for the ringing to stop. He answered in two short rings.

"Hello sunshine, how are things today?"

"Terrible. I need advice."

He chuckled. "That's to be expected. What happened today?"

"Jordan hates kids and marriage, and it's all I want in life. Nade wants the things I do just as bad and he's willing to go out on a date with me, but if Jordan finds out he'll probably be really upset. What do I do?"

"Okay. How far have you gotten with Jordan? I know you've pulled a few moves, what have you done so far?"

"I cuddle with him about every night, I've kissed him twice, I've seen him naked, and I gave him a handjob."

He made a wincing sound and tsked at me through the phone. "I don't know, Tom. That's pretty far. Have you went past stage two yet?"

I find it really funny how Wag knows my stages of falling in love too. I've explained them to him before, I just wasn't sure if he was ever listening. Apparently he had been. "Well...yeah. It wasn't really that big of a deal though."

"It wasn't hm? What did you promise him after you confessed your obvious attraction for him?"

"I'll fix you, I'll make you better. I'll kill everyone who's hurt you before. I'll be the best you've ever had."

I groaned and hit my head against the glass widow. "I'm too far gone, aren't I?"

"Yes, well...if you mean too far gone to be able to turn away from Jordan then yes, but if you aren't afraid to hurt him then go ahead and see Nade."

I can't hurt him. I could never do that to him. He's so sweet and caring and sensitive, and I promised him I wouldn't hurt him. I promised him I'd make him better, even. God, this is such a sucky situation. "What do I do James?"

"You wait, little worry worm. You shouldn't make any irrational decisions just because of something Jordan blurted out this morning. If anything, you should be proving to him how wonderful being married and having children is. Maybe he's just never seen a good example of a healthy and happy family. You should show him one."

That was actually a really good idea. Why didn't I call James first? It could've saved me a lot of stress.

"What-what do I show him? Like, I don't know any families or anything that-"

"You will figure it out, I promise. I'll leave you to your thoughts sunshine. I'll see you Friday night I suppose. Goodbye~" he sang before the line went dead. I guess I could call Sonja, but I think James just solved my whole mess in one five minute phone call. Damn.

I headed back into the house. Jordan was still sat up on bed with his knees tucked under his chin. He seems to grow a hundred times more tense when he saw me walk into the room. I felt bad knowing he probably felt like me running out was his fault. Which it kinda was, but...I don't want him to feel like that.

"Hi. W-Where did you go?" He wouldn't look directly into my eyes, just at my chin. He's picking his fingernails again too. A lie is okay in this situation, right? I mean look at him. He feels so guilty about telling me the truth about his dreams, like he's the worst person in the world for being real with me.

I plopped down on the bed and let out a fake relieved sigh. "I forgot my favorite jacket at Wags bar. Scared the shit out of me. Sorry I freaked out, I shouldn't have gotten so torn up over a stupid piece of fabric. Black leathers expensive though, you know? Anyway, I called Wag and he said he had it with him. Now what were you talking about before I started having a panic attack over my lame jacket?"

He seemed to relax almost immediately. He smiled and shook his head, letting out a breath of relief himself. "Nothing," he lied. "Nothing important. Can we cuddle?"

Weeks ago I would've laughed at his question and completely rejected the idea. But now nothing seems better than a cuddle session with Jordan Maron.

"Sure thing." I crawled over to his spot and pulled him abruptly into my lap, pulling him even closer against me once I got him there. He smiled with his eyes closed and held on to my neck with both hands as he nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck. He sure does like to do that a lot, doesn't he? Chuckling, I started playing with his hair while he began to fall asleep again.

If he never wants marriage or kids, I think I'll be okay. At least I'll be able to cuddle him forever. And I can always babysit other peoples kids, right? It's no big deal.

"Hey Tom?" A sleepy Jordan asked. I brushed some curls away from his forehead.

"Yeah?"

"Don't ever change your dreams because of me."

But I have to, don't I? Doesn't he understand that, I have to change my dreams if he doesn't want what I want?
I just sighed. There wasn't much else I could say without it sounding more than...platonic. "Go to sleep Jordan."

His eyes opened back up and he stared at me with a narrowed gaze. "Do we need to have a bathroom talk?"

I snorted. "A bathroom talk? What the hell is that?"

"Boundaries go out the window when we're in the bathroom, remember? You're obviously holding back on something, so I think we need to go have a bathroom talk."
"Yeah I don't want to, but if it involves getting to see you naked again, sure I'm up for a talk."

"Perv." He stuck his tongue out at me and I tried to grab it, but he pulled back and smacked me in the cheek. "Don't touch my tongue!" He squeaked. "Why did you try to do that?!"

"Let's go in the bathroom and I'll tell you why." I grinned and wiggled my eyebrows. Another slap across my cheek. I growled in the most sexual way possible and he squeaked loudly, squirming out of my grip and grabbing his shirt before running off to the bathroom.

Bathroom talks are my new favorite activity.
~~~
HELLO

ITS ME

I FORGOT TO UPDATE FOR A FEW DAYS, BUT LUCKILY I SAW SOMEONE MENTIONING ME IN A POST ON TUMBLR ABOUT MY BOOKS AND REMEMBERED THAT I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES

Thats how the song goes right? xD hello beautiful people! It's late and most of you are probably already asleep, but here's something to read while you do school related things tomorrow :3 Have a nice night and please leave me favorites and comments if you'd like <3

- Lee