❝ 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒚 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆 𝒊𝒔 𝒂 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆
𝒊 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒎𝒚 𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒃𝒍𝒆𝒎𝒔'𝒍𝒍 𝒄𝒂𝒕𝒄𝒉 𝒖𝒑 𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚
𝒊 𝒅𝒐 𝒎𝒚 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒄𝒂𝒍𝒎 ❞

—nf

The waiting room was quiet as usual. Or at least it was mostly quiet every time Daisy was there; it was filled with the occasional chatter from the receptionist and other patients that were setting up appointments or talking to others in the building. She fidgeted with the bracelet on her wrist, playing with the beads and grimacing when she felt how sweaty her hands were.

With nothing to do, Daisy let her thoughts occupy her, like usual. Was this helping? Am I doing the right thing? Did I remember to hand in my physics homework or am I going to have to email my teacher with a shitty excuse? Did mom make dinner yet? Her fidgeting increased and she tried to take small, deep breaths in the hopes of calming herself down. Having a panic attack for virtually no reason, in a therapist's waiting room, was probably not a good idea. 

To Daisy's luck, Dr. Lin peeked her head out of the door with a soft smile and beckoned her in, telling the receptionist that she was taking her next patient. Daisy begrudgingly got out of her seat, feeling as if everyone else in the waiting room was staring at her (even though they were not). 

"Close the door after you, please?" Dr. Lin asked and Daisy complied, shuttling the door with more force than necessary. Daisy slowly inched towards the green chair in front of her and gingerly took a seat, playing with her hands in her lap and refusing to meet her therapist's eyes.

"So, Daisy, I take it you drove today?" Daisy nodded in response.

"And that went well, I'm assuming, considering you're here in one piece. How was school? Okay?" Nod.

"Your grades are okay?" Nod.

"Has the bad-mouthing from other classmates stopped?" Another nod.

"Has the self-loathing stopped?" Daisy looked up hesitantly, and shook her head. Dr. Lin sighed expectantly.

"Daisy, if you're not going to even try to get better, then how am I supposed to help you?" I am trying! Daisy wanted to yell in protest, but couldn't look into the woman's eyes.

"Has the diary been helping?" Daisy nodded vigorously, and produced a black notebook from her book bag.

"I've been writing every day, just like you said. It's been helping me a little, I've gotten confident enough to stand up to some of my classmates," Daisy whispered softly, and Dr. Lin smiled.

"I'm glad it's helping a little," she said, glancing at the clock, "and unfortunately, we're out of time. Will you be coming back next week?" Dr. Lin asked, except it seemed less like a question and more like a demand. Daisy weakly nodded her head again and picked herself up off the chair, leaving without looking back. Without another word, she started her car and left for home, her mind buzzing with millions of thoughts.

All of a sudden now, though, she was feeling dread. At every traffic light, and with every turn she took, she just felt less and less like she wanted to go to her house. But she couldn't avoid it anyway. 

"Hey baby, how was therapy?" a warm voice asked as Daisy stepped foot in her house. She breathed in the smell of rice and spices, mildly content. 

"Good," Daisy responded, leaving her shoes in the laundry room before launching herself on the couch from fatigue. After a few moments, her younger siblings came in, shouting at the top of their lungs, and Daisy frowned, annoyed.

"Can't you guys shush? God you're all so loud. I just got home, can't I rest for 2 seconds without all of you yelling so loudly?" she shouted, and the house was silent. She trudged up to her room angrily, grabbing her bookbag with her and then sitting atop her bed with the door locked and closed, and her phone playing soft, chill music. She opened the black notebook, her pencil lightly scratching the page.

[ dear diary,

the date is april 19, 2019, and it's 5:37 pm. today's therapy session with dr. lin was like usual. she said that writing in this diary would help, but i don't think it is. i ended up lashing out at zin and clover and i feel really bad about it-they're just kids and i shouldn't have yelled at them.

why am i not getting better? i've been going to therapy for so long, and i keep feeling the same thing every day, the same emptiness and the same numbness and i want it all to stop. i want to stop feeling this way and be happy again like i used to. is that ever going to happen? in this lifetime?

i just wish i wasn't like this all the time. i wish i wasn't making everyone sad every second, and i wish i was able to treat people better, and i wish that i was okay so i wouldn't be causing problems for everyone. i wish i wasn't myself. i really hate it. and me. but that's nothing new.

i don't think any progress was made by me writing today's entry, considering it was only about me loathing myself. maybe there will be a better entry tomorrow.

daisy ]

She pulled her legs close to her chest, resting her head on her knees as she rocked back and forth, focusing on the ticking of the second hand and the soft music spilling out of the speakers. 

"Why am I like this?" she whispered to herself, trying not to choke on her quiet sobs. She tugged at her hair harshly before reaching over to her nightstand and taking a large gulp of water and trying to relax, her back rigid against the cold, purple-lacquered bedroom wall. 

Today seemed like always.

—

The ochrous moonlight filtered through the room, softly hitting the glass window panes. Daisy's legs were tangled with the covers, as she blinked rapidly with her headphones in, blasting some loud rap music about sex and drugs that she didn't really understand. It was taking her mind off of some things at least. Mainly the fact that she didn't eat and her stomach kept making grumbling sounds to remind her of the fact. She groaned before untangling herself from her bed and walking downstairs slowly, in the hopes of not waking up anyone else.

But to her annoyance, there sat her father, on the sofa, reading a book as if seemingly waiting for her to come downstairs.

"Hi Daisy. How was your day today?" Daisy swallowed the fear in her throat.

"I-it was good. How was work?" she asked back as she moved through the kitchen to grab an apple that she could quickly eat and dispose of. Even if she was going to stay up all night, at least she wouldn't be extremely hungry.

"Went well. You should go to sleep now, don't you think? How are you going to do well in college if you have such bad sleeping habits?" College again. Is that the only thing he cares about? Daisy thought, biting the inside of her cheek.

"Yeah, you're right. I'll be going upstairs now, then." 

She had hoped that as soon as her head hit the pillow, she would succumb to sleep and finally be pulled away from her misery and be able to rest without the millions of thoughts buzzing around in her head. 

Hope only goes so far, though.

—;;

so, this was the first chapter of placebo! i'm really not sure if it made sense, and i don't know what plot it's going to have or what direction it's going to take, but i'm actually pretty excited for it so let's hope it goes well!

just to note, the chapter titles will be songs which won't always have anything to do with the actual content in the chapter.

if there are any suggestions, please let me know!

(vote and comment if you liked it! thank you!)

- daze