The next morning—Christmas Day—I rolled out of bed at six and stretched. I needed to get up before Tia to give Luke the first part of his Christmas present, which was, well, me.

I checked my hair in the bathroom mirror and brushed my teeth, then wrapped myself up in a red satin ribbon, centring the bow over my breasts. A pair of stilettos and the Santa hat I'd retrieved from the kitchen cupboard completed the ensemble. Just in case Tia rose early, I slipped into the short silk robe Luke had bought me last week. Running into his sister almost naked wouldn't be a great start to the day.

I tiptoed along the hallway to Luke's room, and the look on his face when I shed the robe and woke him with a kiss said my efforts had been worth it. He grinned from ear to ear as he pulled the bow undone.

"Best Christmas present ever."

"Lie back, hot stuff. I'm doing all the work this morning."

He settled his head back onto the pillow, and I feathered kisses over his chest, feeling a hitch in my own as my heart skipped a beat. Getting sick of this man's body would be impossible. I moved slowly downwards, rewarded by Luke's sharp intake of breath as my mouth closed over its prize.

When he neared the edge, I rose to my knees then lowered myself onto him until he filled me completely. Time for my morning workout, and I didn't mean the gym.

"Hurry up, baby," Luke urged. "I'm not gonna last long."

I stopped moving. "Patience is a virtue."

"And lust is a sin. I prefer that one."

Seeing as I was no saint, I gave in and obliged him. And myself, obviously.

Afterwards, I lay there, boneless, draped over Luke, lazily kissing along his jawline. I confess, this Christmas present was for me as well as him. Gradually his breathing slowed, and he dropped into a slumber.

I stayed with him, his arms wrapped around me, careful not to fall asleep myself. A bittersweet moment. Luke was a beautiful man, inside and out, and in sleep he looked younger, without the worries that usually haunted his features. Kind and gentle, generous and thoughtful—one day, he'd make somebody a wonderful husband. But it couldn't be me.

I sensed Luke's feelings were becoming deeper, and sooner or later, he'd want more commitment. Commitment I couldn't offer. Right now, being in Lower Foxford made me happy, and it was so, so tempting to stay. Luke was easy to live with, and I saw potential in Tia. Life was good. So, why did I have a problem?

Well, because it wasn't my life.

Work was more than just a job to me. For years, I'd believed it was what I'd been born to do, no matter how challenging or unpleasant it could be. Conflict raged within me—should I stick with straightforward or return to my destiny?

If I stayed, would I be able to keep my past a secret? Easy in the short term, but what if Luke fancied a holiday? Or wanted me to accompany him to functions? Staying within the boundaries of the village forever wasn't an option.

Hammering at the door interrupted my thoughts.

"Come on, get up!" Tia yelled. "It's Christmas and there are presents to open! Hurry and put your clothes on."

Luke stirred awake. "Tell me again, why did we let her move in?"

"Because she's your sister and you love her dearly."

"Not at this moment, I don't."

Tia decided to open half of her presents before lunch and save the rest for later. Either her mother was shit at buying gifts, or she'd delegated the task to Mrs. Squires. Tia's delights included a Barry Manilow CD, fluffy dice for a car she wasn't old enough to drive, and a pair of comedy socks meant for a three- to five-year-old.

"Lame," she said, and I couldn't blame her. Someone had clearly put seconds of thought into that little lot.

She brightened up when I suggested we start cooking Christmas dinner, but I didn't share her enthusiasm.

"This is gonna be a disaster."

"Don't be so pessimistic. I've found a YouTube video on how to prepare a turkey. All we need to do is follow the instructions."

"Yeah. All we need to do."

Tia may have said we, but she didn't help in the slightest, mainly because she couldn't stop laughing.

"See, I told you we could do it."

Right. "If you ever tell anyone I was standing here with my hand stuck up a turkey's arse, I'll kill you."

"I'm not planning to tell anyone. I'm just going to put a photo on Facebook."

"No, you're not!"

Fortunately, she couldn't run away with her ankle strapped up, so it was easy enough to grab her phone and delete the offending picture.

"Spoilsport."

Luke came in. "Are you two going to stop messing around and cook? Or are we having Christmas dinner for breakfast?"

Tia stuck her tongue out. "Slave driver."

Dinner made it to the table by early evening. It was, without doubt, the worst meal I'd ever eaten, but Tia's happiness was infectious.

"That was so much fun," she squealed. "This is the best Christmas ever!"

"The cake tasted all right," said Luke. "I liked the skiing snowmen. How did you get it to slope downhill like that?"

I tapped my nose. "Trade secret."

TV repeats were the order of the evening, and we all sat around the fire wearing dodgy jumpers Tia had dredged up.

"You have to wear them," she insisted. "It's not Christmas otherwise."

Hers had a tree with sparkly tinsel, mine had a snowman, and the red nose on Luke's reindeer lit up. The true meaning of Christmas, twenty-first-century style. We opened the rest of the presents while drinking a nice bottle of red.

"Tia shouldn't have wine," Luke said.

"Oh, let her have a glass. If she's going to become an adult, she needs to be treated like one."

I mean, at sixteen I'd been drinking a lot more than wine, and look how I'd turned out. Okay, so maybe that was a bad example.

Tia got a top from Arabella, and Luke had bought her a stack of gift cards from both of us. She'd got him a model racing car and me a spa voucher. I'd never been a "spa day" sort of girl, but I appreciated the sentiment, especially considering she hadn't been speaking to me a few days before.

Perhaps I should try to relax more? After all, the last time I went to a spa was on a stakeout. Surely I'd enjoy it more if I didn't have to eavesdrop on a senator's ex-wife?

I unwrapped my next gift, an iPod from Luke, and he gave me a shy smile.

"You said you wanted one for running."

"That was ages ago. I'm impressed you remembered."

"I can't lie—I saved a note on my phone."

The card I gave Luke contained a message telling him to take the twenty-seventh off.

"What for?" he asked.

"It's a surprise."

"Is it anything like this morning's surprise? I'd take the whole week off for that."

"La la la," Tia sang, stuffing her fingers in her ears. "Guys, I don't want to know."

We spent Boxing Day pigging out on chocolate and lazing around the house—a pleasant contrast to last year, when I'd parachuted into a territory where the inhabitants didn't celebrate Christmas.

The day after, I enlisted Tia's help to distract Luke while I snuck his snowboard and warm clothes into the boot of his SUV.

"He still doesn't know where you're going," she whispered.

"Good. Are you coming to watch?"

"Ooh, can I?"

"Why not?"

I gave directions, and when we arrived at the Snozone in Milton Keynes, Luke's eyes lit up.

"It's been ages since I've seen a ski slope. I never even thought of going indoor snowboarding."

It had been a while since I'd seen proper snow too. Over a year, in fact. My husband had a chalet in Chamonix, where the snow was perfect in winter and we could go climbing in summer, but we'd been too busy to visit recently. I'd been sixteen on my first trip there, and I got hooked, first on skiing then later on snowboarding.

With Chamonix came memories of friends and fun. And maybe a teeny tiny bit of alcohol. I recalled the drunken bet that resulted in my husband and I skiing off a mountain, James Bond style, my parachute with the Union Jack, and his with the Stars and Stripes. The Snozone would be tame in comparison.

I tried to block those thoughts from my mind, not wanting the man I missed so terribly to cast a shadow over the day. But he was always there, lurking. I pasted on a smile and rented myself a snowboard while Luke went to change.

By the time we reached the top of the slope, I felt more upbeat. Something about the crunch of snow underfoot.

"Ready?" Luke asked.

"Three."

"Two."

"One."

We took off, racing to the bottom, and it turned out we were pretty evenly matched. Before long, we headed over to the rails and jumps of the freestyle course.

"Nice," said Luke, as I flew through the air.

"Not bad yourself."

Of course, our competitive streaks emerged, and we tried to outdo each other. Tia declared herself the judge and pronounced it a draw.

"Thank goodness for that," Luke said, stretching out his legs. "I'm not sure I'll be able to walk tomorrow."

"I'm glad you had a good time."

"Not as good as your last surprise, but a close second." He drew me in for a kiss. "Maybe we could come here again?"

"Sounds good to me."

"By the way, where the hell did you learn to snowboard? I worked as an instructor, yet you were matching me at every turn."

"My parents started me young, and I used to go each winter with my ex." I shrugged. "I picked it up over the years."

Every time I lied to Luke, the pit I was digging myself into got a little deeper. It would be a tough climb out.

Luke went back to work the next day while I stayed at home with Tia, who still had a week of school holidays left.

"Do you want to go out?" I asked, recalling her comments about being stuck at home.

"I'd love to. Can we go shopping? I could spend my gift cards."

Her mother proved to have one use when she lent us her chauffeur again, and after a brief detour to the charity shop to drop off Tia's unwanted gifts, we headed into London. I kept my head down as Tia bought half of Selfridges, then hid in the shadows at a West End show.

"I bought you a necklace," she said in the car on the way home, presenting me with a silver letter A on a chain. "It's no fun if I'm the only one getting new things."

"That's sweet of you. Thanks."

As she fastened it around my neck, the guilt weighing me down grew heavier. It wasn't only Luke I was going to end up hurting.

When Tia returned to school the following week, I worried she might revert to her old ways, but it seemed her new attitude was there to stay.

"Do you think Luke would let me go out with friends from school?" she asked one evening. "They're going to the cinema."

Friends? Well, at least she was making some. "I'll deal with Luke. But you've got to promise you won't drink and you'll come back at a sensible time."

I'll admit I paced a little while I was waiting for her to return, but she didn't let me down. Someone's mother dropped her off at ten, and she could still walk in a straight line.

That was the same week I discovered Luke wasn't quite as squeaky clean as he made out. Embracing his new-found delegation skills, he'd been working from home more, and his desk in the den was a sea of empty crisp packets and post-it notes.

"You want a coffee?" I asked him one evening.

His eyes shot up. "Huh? What did you say?"

Why the surprise? I looked at the image of his screen reflected in the window behind him. Wasn't that the police national database? I recognised the logo.

He flipped over to a spreadsheet as I walked behind the desk, but I knew what I'd seen. And I very much suspected he wasn't supposed to be in there.

"I said, would you like a coffee?"

"Oh, er...yes, please."

I bent and kissed him. So, he wasn't quite the angel I thought he was? Good. I liked my men with a streak of bad in them.

And I loved the time spent with Luke and Tia, but when they were out, I got restless. A seed of boredom germinated inside me, twining with guilt that was growing ever stronger. As soon as Luke left in the mornings, I'd hit the gym to take my mind off things, but there was only so much exercise I could do.

"Why don't you join the country club?" Luke asked.

I stifled a laugh. "I'm not a lady who lunches."

In fact, nobody who knew the real me would even describe me as a lady.

"You might like it if you tried it."

How could I tell him I felt more at home navigating my way through the underbelly of society than I did making small talk with a bunch of women whose main concern was that their hair looked good? The answer? I couldn't

"Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass."

Right now, I was leading the life many women dreamed of. I had free time, a hot boyfriend, and a luxury home. But the more time passed, the more sure I became that it wasn't for me.

I missed the little things—Stan's scowls in the morning, Bradley's incessant chatter, Nick's crap dumped on every surface, Dan stumbling in at three in the morning. Hell, I even longed for Toby's disgusting smoothies on occasion. I hadn't quite managed to replicate the vile taste myself. And all those feelings that had been locked up inside? Luke had somehow found the key, and now that the door was cracked open, my stupid emotions threatened to leak out around the edges.

I craved my old life, or at least the remnants of it.

But how would my friends react if I turned up in Virginia saying, "Hey, did you miss me?"

And it wasn't only their reaction. I hadn't forgotten the threat from my husband's killer. Was I ready to expose my people to that? Would I ever be?

Every time I was on the verge of leaving, Luke and Tia changed my mind. I'd never been one to show emotion in the past—my training had knocked that out of me—but I found myself smiling and laughing. Two things that had once been foreign concepts.

And Luke was so damn nice. The other guys I'd dated had mostly been in the same line of work as me, and yeah, we'd had a lot of fun, but they'd all had a toughness about them. An edge. With Luke, I could curl up on the sofa and he'd help me escape from reality. Well, not the guilt. I'd never escape that.

Tia became the sister I'd never had, once the shit on the outside of her was stripped off. We'd been shopping for art supplies, and now she channelled any angst she had left into painting and drawing. Her talent floored me. She'd started sketching my portrait, and every evening it got more detailed.

"I can't believe the change in her," Luke said. "Normally by this point in term, the headmistress has called me into school at least twice to discuss Tia's behaviour, but she hasn't had a single detention. Her grades are up too."

"Did she tell you one of her paintings got selected for an exhibition?"

Luke snuggled me closer on the couch and nuzzled my ear.

"Yes, she mentioned it."

"She's happy."

"That's because of you." He kissed me deeply and laid his forehead against mine. "Meeting you was the best thing ever to happen to me. To us. I think I've fallen in love with you, Ash."

Fuck.

Leaving would be one of the hardest things I'd ever done.