Quick note: these quotes may contain drugs, alcohol, swearing, and mild NSFW stuff. It sounds a lot worse when I put it like that... oh well.

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Kell: I left instructions for everyone while I'm gone.
Sangria: Mine just says "Sangria, no."
Kell: I want you to apply it to every possible situation.

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Lem: Remain CALM! *slaps Garrett multiple times*

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Dae: Here comes the lightning!
Dae, whispering: You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard.
Declan: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all.

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Evan: Are you this rude to everyone?!
Garrett: Yup.
Garrett: Don't think you're special.

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Garrett: I hope you have an explanation for this.
Lem: We have three, actually-
Sangria: Pick your favorite.

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Garrett: You’re acting pretty carefree for someone whose life’s at stake. Who’s to say you aren’t the killer?
Dae: It’s a murder, not a tax audit. I’ll be fine.
Anna: What about Evan? Nobody ever suspects Evan!
Evan: Well, what about Declan? He has a gun!
Declan: Garrett has a knife.
Garrett: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! *stabs Alexei in the arm*

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Declan: I’m gonna die alone.
Evan: Declan, you’re not gonna die alone.
Declan: Gwen was my safety net, okay? She got married and now I have to get a snake.
Anna: Uh-huh. Why is that?
Declan: If I’m gonna be an old lonely person, I’m gonna need a thing, you know? A hook. Like that guy in the subway who eats his own face.
Declan: So I figured I’ll be “Crazy Man With A Snake”, you know? Crazy snake man.
Declan: Then I’ll get more snakes, call them my babies. Kids won’t walk past my place, they will run! RUN AWAY FROM CRAZY SNAKE MAN!

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Declan: Thanks for not telling Gwen or Sangria what happened.
Evan, dumbfounded: I wouldn’t even know where to begin trying to explain this.

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Emmett, with a headache: Advil me up, daddy.
Garrett: I will short out the language centre of your brain if you say anything like that ever again.

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Sangria before she became a pirate: I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, and you're forced to go to school and get education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck? No one ever asked me if I want to be a duck!

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Garrett: Alright, which one of us is gonna check outside?
Sangria: Not it!
Dae: Not it!
Garrett: ...Neither one of you are as dumb as you lead on to be.

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Sangria: But what about Anna?
Evan: Don't worry about her.
Evan: I once watched her fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating her hotdog like nothing happened.

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Sangria: Guys, my friend here is bilingual.
Alexei: Yes.
Sangria: Which means he likes both boys and girls.
Alexei: Ye- wait, what-
Emmett: Sangria, that's not what bilingual means-
Sangria: Shhh, it's okay Alexei. I still love you, man.
Alexei & Emmett: ...
Sangria: bUT NOT LIKE THAT-

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Evan: Isn’t this a bit dangerous?
Declan: Evan, please. We’ve been in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.
Evan: ...
Declan: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.
Evan: ...
Declan: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves in the way home.

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Gwen: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.

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Dae: There. How do I look?
Anna: Like a cheap French harlot.
Dae, incredibly offended: French?!

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Garrett: Everyone knows that Santa is an invention designed by the big five corporations to sell tinsel and video games to an unsuspecting public.
Anna: The whole “childhood wonder” stage just blew right past you, didn’t it?

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Sangria: I have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking.

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Emmett: *gets a text* Oh! It’s Kell.
Lem, excitedly: Did they get me the stuff?
Emmett: Yeah, they say they got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.
Lem: Wow! Where’d they find 12 gallons of fake blood?
Emmett: You wanted fake blood?
Lem:
Emmett: I’ll go call Kell.

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Anna: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

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Emmett: When you work at lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it’s cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.
Dae: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.
Emmett: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?
Garrett: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?

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Garrett: "It's easy to forget what a sin is in the middle of a battlefield."
Sangria: Opposite over hypotenuse.
Sangria: Dipshit.

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Declan: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’”! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!
Evan: *in the cell next to him* You have the right to remain silent. What you lack is the capacity.

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Sangria: That was a joke. Say ha.
Garrett: Ha.
Sangria: Now do it again.
Garrett: Ha.
Sangria: Congratulations, you are officially the life of the party.

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Evan: Hello, mom. Made anyone cry today?
Anna: Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.