A WEEK AGO

Kai-Se smiled like his life depended on it, mostly because it did. If he so much as let his light smile fall, it would make everything else come crashing down.

Like the budding nausea at the back of his head. Or the growing tightness in his chest, making it hard to breathe. Or perhaps the fact that he shouldn't be out of his room while he was like this. He had to keep smiling, had to appear like everything the Minister of Trade was saying still made sense. All he could think of now was how disastrous it would be the moment he retired to his room. Last night was a horror. All the previous days were even worse.

He should've listened to Chi-Sae and stayed out of prying eyes today. The head court lady of the Butterfly Palace had begged him to not attend today's meeting. He remembered what he told her this morning. "I'll be fine," he had said as he dressed himself. "This meeting's not going to last long. Plus, if I'm absent longer than this, they're going to suspect something."

Chi-Sae, the only person whom Kai-Se had no choice but to confide in about his issues, had disagreed. "Remember the last time you went out to a meeting?" she had her arms crossed over her chest, her wide sleeves bunching at the crooks. "You almost got discovered."

Kai-Se should have noticed a lot of things about the head court lady, then. First, she talked to him like how An-Ri would—casual and bordering on entitled—, reminding him too much of what happened in Dansarun and what he wasn't able to bring back with him to Xuijae.

Second, the head court lady acted outside her job description. Instead of fawning over Kai-Se the way court ladies were trained to treat royals and other noble masters, she stayed out of his way and focused only on providing him his meals, coordinating his needs to the other members of the Imperial Court, and, of course, making sure his secret didn't leak out to undeserving ears.

And thirdly, Chi-Sae sounded certain of herself when she told Kai-Se to skip the meeting and concentrate on resting.

But resting and Kai-Se was like putting chicken oil into a bowl of noodles. It wouldn't ever mix, no matter how hard one tried.

As the meeting dragged on and on, the nausea sharpened into a full-blown headache, squeezing his brain. He braced the rim of the table, more to steady himself than to appear interested in what's being talked about. The Minister of Trade had clammed up and passed the floor to the Minister of Justice. What else was in today's agenda? He should have glanced at it before he went.

He scanned the number of faces seated around the low table in the elaborate hall. None of them had their eyes on him, staying oblivious of the brewing plight inside him. Just as he intended. He was supposed to be unseen, to be silent. In his present condition, he couldn't bear to have eyes trained at him.

A gong tolled in the distance, reminding everyone it was already time for lunch. The Minister of Justice finished his piece, which earned sympathetic nods and a quick word from the Emperor seated at the head of the table. They'd go back to that issue at the next convention.

"The court is adjourned," the Emperor declared, standing up and crossing the room towards the door in a series of long strides. Silence followed his steps as everyone remained. No one was allowed to go before the Emperor after all.

The moment his father disappeared from view, Kai-Se lurched up. Big mistake. His head started swirling, taking the world along with it. The headache screeched into a wild stabbing pain so much he thought he'd lose consciousness inside the hall. He gritted his teeth, taking the deepest breaths his tightening chest would allow.

He joined the steady trickle of Ministers, advisers, scholars, and other nobles as they left the hall. When the stairs leading out of the Earth Palace came into view, Kai-Se felt something trickle from his nose. He swiped the hem of his sleeve against his lips. It came away stained red.

Spirits above, he had to hurry.

His footsteps quickened, his breaths coming in quick puffs. The palaces and the vast landscapes of the palace he grew up in blurred in his periphery. All he cared about was getting back to his room. He was vaguely aware of the rustle of clothes behind him as the court ladies and eunuchs scrambled to accompany him back to the Butterfly Palace.

The place where he had locked himself ever since he got back from Dansarun loomed closer now. Unlike the Tripartite Palaces at the center of the Imperial Grounds, the Butterfly Palace didn't have the wide stairs leading up to a wide landing by the entrance. He simply breezed through the ornate doorway and, soon, he was inside the familiar dim halls.

At this point, his mind was running on automatic. Take a left here. Turn right. Continue on until the third pillar painted green. Slide the door away and he's in his room.

When the door slid shut behind him, that's when he let his knees knock together and his body to tumble to the ground. A chorus of voices erupted from the paper-thin wall dividing his room and the rest of the world. A familiar tone defeated all of them—Chi-Sae's—, threatening to have all their heads if they ever breathed a word of this to anyone or even burst into the room to see what's going on.

Kai-Se clenched his jaw, forcing his arms to move. They felt like huge oars he had to yank at to be able to row through an ocean of waves fighting against him. He had to haul himself towards his desk where the open books about various medicinal plants awaited him. He should hurry and find out what's wrong with him before anyone could make it an issue. Today and all the other days he didn't listen to Chi-Sae was cutting it so close. If he was to be a useful member of his father's court, he should be able to cure himself.

The answer he got took the form of a coughing fit. His fingers clamped his mouth shut, his jaw doing everything it could to keep what's bound to come out at bay. When it failed, Kai-Se hacked and heaved, curling into a fetal position. Everything started burning—his skin, his eyes, his insides.

Cold. It was cold even though summer had arrived a few days ago.

Kai-Se wrenched his eyes open to glimpse a flickering light in the distance. A spark of hope flared in his chest. If he could go there, he'd be able to keep the cold at bay. But why were his limbs not cooperating? Why was he on the floor in the first place? Should he ask for help? But then again, his tongue was heavier than steel.

The floor sharpened and blurred in a succession so quick he wasn't able to keep track. His veins froze over, leaving shivers shaking his very being. The fire was nearer now, despite him crawling slower than the snails rising from the earth whenever it rained a little too hard.

He couldn't do anything. Couldn't even open his mouth except to cough something up. When he accidentally turned his attention to his wide sleeves, all he saw was red. A humorless laugh flitted out of his lips. Dying. That's what he was.

Using what meager strength he could muster, he braced the sides of the fireplace upon reaching it. The fire blazed from his hazy vision but provided him no solace. The cold stayed in his skin, seeping deep into his muscles and laying waste into his insides. Even the thick fabric of the many layers draped around him did nothing to help him. His teeth started chattering as he gathered his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

He retreated into himself. That's right. There were people waiting outside, wanting to know what's going on with him. He should hide. Someone told him he should hide. No one would know. No one should know.

Hide.

That's what Kai-Se was good at, right?

He glanced at the fire once more. It seemed to have dulled. Ha. What a cheap metaphor of his life. He laughed again. And continued doing so until another round of coughs broke it. His chest felt like it was being torn open and his heart was climbing out of the hole. Couldn't...

Couldn't hold on anymore.

So, he did the best thing he could.

He let go.