I sincerely do not know where to even begin. Like, I'm sure I say that all the time, but I really mean it. I'm in fucking cahoots trying to figure out if I should just start raging or actually find some sort of structure.

   UPDATE: I legit had to take a ten minute break after writing those first few lines. I was really frustrated and emotional. Fucking wrestling entertainment should not do this too much to a grown adult like myself, but apparently it does.

   I've decided to just go with the order of the matches, but also, I just have to disclaim this:

   I AM PISSED THE FUCK OFF! LIKE HELL, I LEGIT FEEL SO CHEATED WITH SOME OF THE MATCHES THAT I WAS LOOKING MOST FORWARD TO TURNING UP A TOTAL FLUKE!

   All I'm going to say is that after The Miz + Maryse's burial (you're fucking right that's what it was), the show went down hill REAL QUICK.

   I'm happy for Naomi, but even then I found major faults to that match that I'll get to. I just slowly became more and more disappointed, making me EXTRA critical.

   You might not agree with all these things I got to load off, but that's fine. Feel free to disagree in a respectful manner.

   I'm going to try my hardest to reply to ALL comments, but do also interact with one another.

   Alright, let's do this shit.

   1) NEVILLE DEFEATS AUSTIN ARIES

   Like most of you, I was absolutely outraged that this match wasn't in the actual Wrestlemania card. Both Aries + Neville are phenomenal wrestlers that could run circles around some of the 'top' WWE Superstars, and this is how they get treated?

   Why make such a big fucking deal about the cruiserweight division if they won't even highlight it in an ACTUAL Wrestlemania match?

   That horrible decision aside, Neville + Aries killed it! Aries rocked that silver gear and had amazing crowd support while Neville pretty much killed me with his golden attire.

   Neville seriously needs his WM moment and if he won't have it next year, I'm going to revolt. 

   GRADE: A+

   2) MOJO RAWLEY WINS THE 33 MAN ANDRE THE GIANT MEMORIAL TROPHY.

   Okay, Mojo winning literally came out of nowhere. See, unlike last year when Zack Ryder won the IC Belt out of the blue, we actually like Ryder.

   Mojo though? I don't like him. I don't know much about him, but I also don't wanna learn anything about him either. I'm sure he's a nice bloke and all, but what the actual fuck?

   Let's back up a bit, Mojo defeated Jinder Mahaal to win the match. Meaning that Mojo + Jinder were the last two men standing.

   How the fuck does that make sense? No one cares about Jinder and Mojo. They're literally the most irrelevant of the bunch and ... did they just do this to fuck with us? I get that Mojo's a big dude and their high on that for this award, but  uhm?

   Sami Zayn or fuck, even Braun whom ya'll know I don't like should have won. 

   3) DEAN AMBROSE DEFEATS BARON CORBIN

   This was another match that really frustrated me. I love Dean Ambrose to death, but I'm slowly forgetting about him. Some of you might strongly disagree here with me, but I don't feel like he deserved a spot at this year's mania.

   It's upsetting for me to admit that, but truth is, he's been very watered down. Ambrose can so do baby face or heel or an in-betweener, but I just feel like his storylines have been so half-assed. 

   When he was in the title picture with Styles + Cena, I honestly couldn't care less about Ambrose. I mean I did, but then the match would begin and I was totally 100% immersed into Styles or Cena.

   I really hope they start doing something different with Ambrose soon, because so far, he's just been very forgettable (at least to me).

   Now onto Baron Corbin whom I love to bits. Okay, seeing him in the pre-show card pissed me the fuck off. Here's a guy that HUNG with AJ Styles when he was in the title picture. 

   That match where Baron delivered the End of Days to Styles while Dolph did the Zig Zag on Corbin, wow! 

   Baron had two seasoned professionals, Styles + Dolph and he still shined on his own. Baron Corbin really is the future (at least to me), and for those saying he's still too green ...

   WRESTLEMANIA WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT PLATFORM TO NOT ONLY KINDLY REPAY HIM FOR HIS HARD WORK // MEGA TRANSFORMATION OF NAILING HIS CHARACTER, BUT ALSO TO GIVE HIM THAT PRESSURE TO FORM A DAMN STAR!

   I'm just mad about this match being on the kick off show. They made such a big deal about the IC Belt and this is what they reduce it to? Ambrose hasn't done anything for that belt, and not it's not entirely his fault since obviously it's creative's decision to not bring anything forth for that belt.

   I'm just ready for a new IC Champion because Ambrose needs to move onto something more gritty + Baron better have more title runs. This guy is a beast!

   [ ONTO THE WRESTLEMANIA CARD ]

1) AJ STYLES & SHANE MCMAHON—HOLD MY DAMN POODLE, HOLD MY POODLE! 

   Alright, you guys knew that I was 100% hyped for AJ Styles. AJ Styles was the main reason I tuned in to watch Wrestlemania, because seeing him in the biggest event of the WWE still makes me cry. 

   He's not only my favorite wrestler, but in my opinion the best. By his age, most people slow down, but not AJ.

   Speaking of 'not slowing down' ... SHANE FUCKING MCMAHON!! 

   I'm a super big fan of Shane McMahon too, but I'll admit that last year I wasn't entirely impressed by his match against Taker. He was a little too slow for my liking, not that I blame him since fuck, the dude's almost 50. 

   All those 'striking jabs' Shane landed did nothing for me. Of course he won me over by the end because of his dare devil ways, but his match against Styles ... HOLY FUCK!

   I HAVE MAD RESPECT FOR SHANE MCMAHON BECAUSE IT WAS 3000% THAT HE DEFINITELY PUT ALL THE EFFORT IN THE WORLD FOR TRAINING THIS TIME AROUND.

   Not saying he didn't train for his last WM match, but he more than brought it. AJ was selling brilliantly, but Shane McMahon wasn't skipping a beat either.

   I'll be the first to admit that I was a tad-bit upset that AJ's opponent for WM was Shane McMahon, but tear my heart open it stole the show. I still think that these two had the best match!

   It was the FIRST MATCH and I did not forget it. It's an honor to open a show, and these two set a good mood until that disastrous Cena match, but we'll get to that eventually ...

   A FEW RANDOM BLOPS:

   AJ Styles doesn't get enough credit for how funny he can actually be in matches ... 
XD

   By far my favorite 'high-flyer' -aerialist, etc. Watching this guy fly in the air is like art in motion, just so very majestic.

And Shane? Our lord and savior brought out the old school, VINTAGE moves:

This was so fluid I teared up a bit.

But this moment:

  From 2001

To 2017,

Shane's still got it. Take that Bork Lesnar, take that!

   Alright suckers, we can so agree that both AJ Styles and Shane McMahon brought it .. but the real winner this night was Florida's wind, making AJ's hair the most majestic locks of the night (asides from Maryse's):

   LOOK AT THIS GODDAMN WRESTLING GOD. WE MAY HAVE TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT AJ'S HAIR FOR WAY TOO LONG, BUT LOOK AT IT!!

2) KEVIN OWENS DEFEATS CHRIS JERICHO.

   I love Kevin Owens,

I love Chris Jericho.

   I've heard rumors that this is possibly Chris Jericho's last WM, and because of that, I wanted him to win. More than that, he's put so many guys over, Kevin Owens included. He's the only guy from his time to still be relevant. He's re-invented himself so many times, and still keeps it entertaining.

   Again, nothing's been confirmed, but if this was Jericho's last Mania, only a LEGEND like him would be selfless enough to still give the win to the younger talent.

   I hope it's not his last match. Not that Owens + Jericho wasn't worthy of it being his last match, but I want Jericho to go out on the top. Again, not that he isn't since he's way over mostly everyone, but you know what I mean. I need him to go out winning big, leaving on a blaze of glory and that kind of scheme.

   It's the little details Kevin brings into matches that just make me love him so much more than I already do:

Congrats to Kevin Owens, our boy is a future Main Eventer.

GRADE: 10/10 KEVIN OWENS MUST HAVE BEEN OVER THE MOON ABOUT NOT ONLY GETTING TO WORK WITH HIS IDOL CHRIS JERICHO, BUT TO DEFEAT HIM AT MANIA, WOO! TALK ABOUT DREAMS BEING MADE!

3) BAYLEY DEFEATS SASHA BANKS, CHARLOTTE, AND NIA JAX.

   Alright, here's another thing you guys might disagree with, but I didn't like this match. Did I hate it? No. But did I like it? No!

   I was honestly expecting SO much more that when the match was done, I felt cheated. 

   The only 'memorable' spots for me were Charlotte's entrance:

God damn she was strutting down like literal royalty and her gear (this color combo in specific) is my favorite! She looked like some regal serpent ready to sip tea and kill bitches. I love it.

   -- Sasha's gear + hair + entire appearance was also on point.

   Now, I don't tend to focus too much on appearances (although I totally geek out when something is super unique), so let's focus on the real 'holy shit' moment of this match.

Like AJ, there's something about Charlotte doing these high-flying moves that's so majestic. This corkscrew moonsault (correct me if I'm wrong) is fucking divine. 

   // okay so the match wasn't TERRIBLE, but I just expected SO much more.

   - Nia has a lot of work to do because I still feel like she's too green. I can cut her slack in terms of her ability to sell / wrestle since she's pretty damn knew, but I'm not feeling her personality come through. It comes off as very generic.

   - Sasha finally did a suicide dive / rope sommersault that didn't kill her / botched the landing and it was glorious.

   - Bayley seriously needs a new, more impact-ful finisher. When the match ended after she hit such a simple slam, I was shocked.

   Charlotte's a tough cookie who's been through much worse and a little slam is supposed to wipe her out? I THINK NOT!

  GRADE: 8/10. EXPECTED A LOT MORE, AND ALSO, BAYLEY RETAINING WAS KIND OF LAME. I LOVE BAYLEY, BUT THAT WAS SUPER PREDICTABLE. 

   Like most, I'm anxious to see if Sasha turns heel on her tomorrow, or Bayley going heel. I'd love to see Charlotte vs Asuka or just something new.

4) THE HARDY BOYZ DEFEAT LUKE GALLOWS AND KARL ANDERSON, SHEAMUS + CESARO, AND SAWFT.

   I'll give you some background of my wrestlemania experience before getting to these badass teams.

   I was watching WM at home. WM is a pretty big deal in my family, and being that my folks + other family members were all flying in for work related things, they all crashed at my house to watch the event.

   Personally, I've had my issues with Jeff in the past. I shouldn't even say personally since I've never met him, rather I just don't think I'll ever forgive him for showing up super DOPED UP to fight a Championship match against an Icon like Sting.

   That and the fact that he's always had issues with testing drug positive nearly everywhere he's gone ... I sincerely hope that for HIS SAKE and Matt's sake, that he keeps his shit together this time around.

   WWE is the place where they can cash out big + retire their legacy. 

   All of that aside, The Hardyz were favorites in my household growing up. My dad loved them, my little brother loved them, my mom was in love with Jeff.

   Seriously, my mom had a huge crush on Jeff Hardy. So much that at three am last night or morning I guess, she sent me this gif:

   She said, "look at that jawline." Yes, both Mama Bloodsen and I have a thing for strong jawlines. I saw this gif on tumblr so it scares me to think that my mother visited le tumblr lands, but oh well, she's a grown ass woman.

   The only other time my little brother and I collectively shouted so hard for anyone was when Sami made his debut against John Cena.

   I seriously couldn't believe it considering these two kept saying they weren't signing with the WWE (what a bunch of playful trolls) + I thought that their relationship with the company was a bit strained, but I guess not.

   You just can't deny that both Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy as staple Icons to the WWE.

   Now, I'm happy to see them back ... but I wasn't totally stoked that they came back and won. It's a nice story and all, but I was really rooting for the other teams. Again, I'm not mad that they won ... but I thought Sawft or Sheamus + Cesaro deserved a big WM win.

   LUKE GALLOWS + KARL ANDERSON: Man, I'm upset that they lost the title belts this quickly. I thought they deserved a longer reign, but new they'd probably drop the belts at WM. I wanted either Sawft + Sheamus and Cesaro to win, but oh well.

   Karl Anderson was great, but I felt like Luke Gallows was on extra fire for that night. His big boot is no fucking joke, and the dude's also pretty agile for a freakishly tall bloke.

  SAWFT: Enzo and Cass, oh man. The pop + reception they got was amazing! I had just watched the WWE 24 special on Mania week before watching WM, and seeing these two talk about their struggles (specifically Cass almost crying) fucking made me love them even more. 

   They're so over + definitely the next "NEW DAY". I can't wait for them to have a seriously long reign + a winning WM moment.

   CESARO + SHEAMUS:

THESE TWO ARE SO HUSBAND FOR ONE ANOTHER AND I FUCKING LOVE IT! They went from hating each other's guts to total wrestling husbands and if that isn't great story-telling, this is:

THIS IS ICONIC! THAT WHOLE ENTRANCE WAS LEGENDARY! 

   I won't even get into 'how these two performed' because both Cesaro and Sheamus are freakishly strong wrestling machines.

   What I do want to point out is how just underrated these two are as a comedic duo. Fuck, Cesaro's all dapper and suave, and Sheamus is such a big loving brooding goof ball.

   I love it, I ship it, I never want them to be torn apart.

GRADE: 10/10 ALL TEAMS BRILLIANTLY SHINED!

// 

UPDATE: WRITING THIS REVIEW IS PRETTY TIME CONSUMING AND I GOTTA GO EAT BEFORE I PASS OUT, SO I'LL BE BREAKING THIS INTO TWO PARTS, MAYBE THREE.

   RANDOM SIDE NOTE:

   I've read things about people being upset because THE NEW DAY wasn't in the title picture. Listen, I'm always going to want to see these guys wrestling together, but I was okay with them not being in the title card picture.

   The New Day is the longest reigning Tag-Team. THREE BLACK MEN BROKE THE ODDS AND IF THAT ISN'T ENOUGH THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.

   They can't be more over because they're already fucking kings. That and, they hosted Wrestlemania. They were involved and selflessly gave the spotlight to the other teams that STILL need more development.

   Last night was the first time I was able to look at Xavier Woods and remember why I love the guy. So he did nasty things ... but oh fucking well. He's great, he's moving on, and as part of the New Day, he's iconic.

  I mean, how can you not love this guy?

  I felt bad that they kept joking about the whole Paige incident, but after she issued a statement without apologizing for what she did with the NXT Women's Championship belt, fuck her.

   For anyone that might think I'm being a mega hypocrite and just blaming Paige after I said I was upset by that, the difference is, Xavier just did things with her. From what I've been told / reading, he wasn't in a relationship.

   What's he supposed to do? Apologize for having sex? 

   Anyhoo, I thought The New Day did an A++ of hosting and the way they introduced the Hardyz, damn.

  Look at them in the back, doing Jeff's signature dance moves.

   ENDING NOTE:

   AS mentioned, I'll  review the rest of the event after I go grab a quick bite. 

   WARNING: I AM GOING TO GO FULL ANGER MODE FOR THE NEXT PART BECAUSE AFTER JOHN CENA'S MATCH, EVERYTHING FELL THE FUCK APART. THIS WENT FROM A GREAT SHOW TO A FUCKING DISASTER. YEAH, I SAID IT. I'M UNHAPPY. I WAS HAPPY FOR NAOMI BUT THEN, I WILL TELL YOU WHY I WASN'T HAPPY WITH THE MATCH. THAT AND, YES, I'M SAYING 'JOHN CENA'S MATCH' BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT WAS. THAT MATCH IS THE REASON I SOMETIMES HATE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF CENA AND HIS EGO AND PRECIOUS TREATMENT AND NO I DON'T CARE IF HE'S 'JOHN MOTHERFUCKING CENA' THIS WAS THE MIZ'S MOMENT AND JOHN DID ANOTHER ROCK VS HIM PUNK WM STEALING MOMENT.

FUCK

FUCK 

FUCK, I'M STILL ANGRY.

xD