June 10,2021
Department of International Affairs
Jin age 25

Today is Namjoon's first official day working here..... I'm still uncomfortable with the idea but know I must accept it as my father likes Namjoon, everyone does.

Except me.

It took me a minute to realize I hadn't gotten a single document that was laid out in front of me filled out. Sighing and running a hand through my baby pink hair, I laid back in my chair, thinking about what Namjoon had said the day before. "If you'd like, you could be the 69th". I involuntarily shuttered from the memory, a chill going down my spine until a knock at the door drew my attention.

"Sir, Chairman Kim is on the line, wishing to talk to you about a contract that was poorly translated to Korean and needs translation from the original English script." My sectary, Lee May said.

Looking at her with I sigh, I nodded."Put him on the phone, I'll answer." I replied, feeling in no mood to talk to my father but I had to.

Biting my lip before looking at the digital phone to my left, I fixed my suit despite being unable to see my father face to face. Picking the phone up, I answered with the happiest tone I could muster up despite not feeling the best.

"Hello father, I heard from my sectary that you had a contract that needs to be translated?" I said, laying back in my chair, feeling like banging my head into a door, knowing fully well that I would have to speak to Namjoon after this.

"Yes, a start up fashion company just decided to sign a contract with us and them being new, I doubt they have much money to pay for a translator and their contract sounds like they used google translate." My father joked, chuckling to himself even though I knew he was being serious under his light hearted small talk.

"Of course, just fax it over and I will have Namjoon look at it right away." I replied, about to hang up until my father spoke again, as if he had anticipated that I no longer wanted to talk to him.

"I hope you don't see Namjoon in that way, you know I'm looking for a possible wife for you, don't you? I love you, son, but I need you to grow up and stop experimenting, believing you're a homo just because you don't want to become an adult yet and have the responsibility of taking over the family business is inexcusable. You've been using that as an excuse to not get married and continue the family company but, I need you to grow up....... I forbid you to see Namjoon in that way." He said before hanging, the whole conversation seeming one sided and out of the blue.

As if he believed Namjoon was related to me being gay.

All throughout my fathers lecture, my blood was slowing beginning to boil more and more."Homo is an offensive term and it's not a phase, I've liked guys since I was a child......" I whispered softly under my breath before all of my rage was morphed into a burst of energy as I slammed the phone down onto its stand, instantly cracking the glass screen into pieces.

Having heard the commotion, May came rushing in to find the shattered phone and stand, noticing my blank look as I stared at the phone.

"Not to pry, sir, but...... are you alright?" May asked, her voice laced with an undertone of worry that I could tell she was struggling to camouflage with her questioning tone.

Weakly, I looked up at her with a reassuring smile."Yes, everything is fine. Chairman Kim was just being...... a bit annoying, you know how fathers can get." I said with a slight joking tone, the same tone my father used only minutes ago to cover up his true intentions.

Leaving it at that, I grabbed the piece of paper that had been faxed over and walked past May, my head down as I didn't meet her eyes. Looking down at the printed words, most of it looked foreign, like an alien text that I could never understand despite having had taken 3 years of English in college. But in that moment, I didn't even know who I was or what I was doing with my life.

My father had a point, being only 25, I am a child in his eyes, inexperienced and naive. If I gave up my life to this company, would I be happy marrying someone chosen for me, not having to go through the pain of falling in love again, and just working for the rest of my life?

No.

Absolutely not.

But I knew I had to, and I really wanted to, unless I wanted to disappoint both myself and my father and the millions of people buying and using our companies products. This feeling, the feeling of being powerless to freeing the man inside of me, caused resentment to grow deep within.

And it made me feel helpless, depressed, and anxious, my true self begging, trying to claw its way out but my mind told me to stay still, stay put, be the man the people around me need, not who I want. The voice inside tells me to go, to be me. But my fathers voice tells me to give up, give in, to not be selfish and do what's best for the community.

And I have yet to win an argument against my father.

"Jin?" Namjoon's voice startled me out of my thoughts, unaware I had somehow walked to his desk. Looking down at Namjoon who was sitting on at his desk, I noticed the obvious worry in his eyes that made me believe for split second that he really cared about me.

Almost.

I cleared my throat."I have a paper I need you to translate by the end of the day and before you go home." I say him glance slightly at the clock to read 16:47, probably annoyed as work hours were from 08:00 to 18:00, meaning he only had a bit over an hour to finish it or he had to work overtime.

But I didn't care.

"Of course, Mr. Kim." Namjoon replied smoothly, casually flashing me his dimple smile he knew I use to be unable to resist. But that was in the past and I was different now, I knew not to let such a childish thing like a smile cause my armor to waver.

Looking at Namjoon's neat desk, I realized he had already organized and decorated it. "I see that you've already moved in." I said, looking down at him for his response only to see he was already at work translating the contract on a separate piece of paper.

"Yeah, I felt like the desk was a little empty." He said, continuing to work. His desk was neat for now but I knew it would get disorganized easily. "I just like having no empty space, it makes me feel like I'm not alone." I had remember he told me that once in high school and I question now just how lonely he use to be.

"Why are you still here?" Namjoon asked, finally looking up from the paper after he noticed I was hovering. He cracked a grin, in which I didn't know why until he spoke,"Did you want to talk to me about what I said yesterday?" He asked, causing me to frown and snap my cold defense up.

"No, I do not wish to talk about such repulsive things." I spat, causing his smile to dissipate in a second, replaced with a glare.

"You never thought it was disgusting in high school," he said in a low whisper, not wishing to catch unwanted attention from our coworkers.

"But now I do." I said, watching as the rage inside Namjoon rose. 'Now you know how I feel right now.' I thought bitterly before a bright glare caused me to wince. Namjoon noticed this and looked at what had caused my dismay, both of out eyes landing on the item.

It sat on top of the desk, separated from the papers and lotions and creams, sitting by an empty picture frame and a cup full of pencils and pens. It was completely glass and exactly 1 and a half feet tall. I knew this because I had given it to Namjoon on his 15th birthday.

"Is that?......" I asked, breathless to thing he still had it after all these years.

It was the glass Sakura Tree I had bought him almost 9 years ago.

His eyes widened and he shoved the contract and his translation into my hands, not looking at me."I finished translating. If you have a problem with it, just call me to your office. If that's all, I have some other work to get done so please leave."

I knew he just didn't want to talk to me about the item but I acknowledged it, we were over anyways, not like we were ever dating.

He just wanted my body to release his sexual urges.

Turning to walk away, I glanced back at the gift again before going back to my office and shutting the door, sliding down the door, not caring that my suit would get wrinkled and crimped.

'After 9 years, he still kept the silly thing? What was he thinking?'I thought, unaware that I had started crying as the droplets hit the carpet under me. "You're so cruel, Kim Namjoon...... I can't believe you're doing this to me......" I whispered, covering my mouth with the back of my hand, the cuff of my suit getting soaked with tears and snot.

After the stigma forced onto me by my father and peers, something like this made me think it didn't matter, Namjoon made me feel like I mattered.

But it didn't

I didn't