Nigeria, Abuja.

***

Aamirah has seen it all in so many shades.

The first three days, it was definitely a living nightmare. Aunty Kulthum, Jameelah, Myra and Kabeer flew out immediately to be with the family. That was when Ya Maamah broke down completely.

She let her huge frame, strong cover of a big sister fall and shatter to pieces. When Mama had died, her and Zeezee became the mothers. They grew up so quickly together and became tried the best to run the house just like their mother will if she alive. They learnt together, failed together and won together. It's clear to say that, they will never be okay for sometime.

Aamirah then saw a different side of Khaleel.. the side only Batool knows. She had witnessed him turn her out, act strong and then on rare occasions break down completely. It was on the fourth night, she abruptly woke up from sleep and found him in the bathroom, sitting on the floor robotically and not saying a single word. Aamirah was so scared, it didn't feel like Khaleel rather he felt like a stranger. A possessed stranger.

She quickly moved closer and all he said, repeatedly was, "Aamirah, I need numbness. I need to feel numb, Ya Rabbi"

She was beyond scared so she quickly called Batool who knew exactly what to do. Unlike her, Batool had a plan and she has everything under control. Ever since then, she hasn't seen Khaleel. Only a glimpse of him when they met in Ya Maamah's house randomly or him sending a rare text checking on her.

As much as it hurts her to be away from him, she doesn't mind him staying with Batool, as long as he gets better. She will live.

Besides, she hasn't had a single episode since he left and surprisingly she has been feeling much better and healthier. Her mind has been cleared and open, it feels like all negative emotions has been washed away from her body.

Maybe it has to do with seeing Khaleel so disoriented but after that awful night, she wants to be better. For him, for her sanity.. for, their future.

Jameelah knocked on the door bring Aamirah out of her thoughts, she turned to face her, "JamJam, what's with the bag?!" She gasped staring at Jameelah's luggage beside her.

"Myra, Kabeer and I are heading back to Sudan. It's been twelve days, Myra has school and I need to get back to work"

Aamirah sighed moving closer and hugging her. "I'll miss you, JamJam"

"I'll miss you too Mimi. Take care of yourself.. and Khaleel"

They hugged one more time before she escorted her to the door where Kabeer and Myra are already waiting. When she closed the door after their departure, she inhaled deeply walking to the bathroom to take a shower. She changed into her pink dress and casual white veil.

The house is quiet, so quiet because she is the only one here. The thought for a second makes her scared but then again.. she has to learn to live alone. It's not like Khaleel will be with her always or Jameelah will just relocate to her house because of her undying nightmares and anxiety.

When she heard the bell ring, her whole body stiffen up. She stayed back for some seconds ignoring the ringing resonating through the house.

The bell rang again. And again until she can no longer bare the sound so she nervously stood up and moved to the front door.

Breathe Mimi.

She put her hand on the cold door knob slowly pulling the door open and when she met Khaleel, standing few feet away from her casually dressed in a blue buttoned up shirt and jeans, she let out a breath of relief. She hasn't seen him in like forever.. so the emotions are running wild. All at once.

"Assalamualaikum" he said walking inside the house while she closed the door behind him.

"Wa'alaikum-"

Khaleel had taken her aback with his huge bear hug and heavy breath fanning her shoulder.

She froze, surprised.

"Hi, Aamirah"

There he goes with the toe curling Aamirah. She firmly support herself by wrapping her hands around him, securely. Then, she inhaled sharply feeling his pain resonated through her body.

Suddenly, she wants to heal him, just like he healed her. In every way possible. In the most beautiful and printing way. Khaleel had imprinted peace into her and she wants to repay him.

"Khaleel.. I am so sorry" she cried silently. "I pray that she has found great peace that she deserves. I pray that her grave is as wide as the oceans and its full with Allah's Noor. I pray that she is in complete Mercy of Allah. May Allah forgive her and grant her the highest rank of Jannah. She is.. filled with peace, Inshallah"

He moved away slowly until they are face to face, "Ameen Ya Rabbi, Mimi na. Thank you.. that was beautiful"

"I've been waiting a long time.." she trailed off bitting her lip. She has counted down the days when Khaleel will come home to her.. for so long, she waited and waited until he showed up.. twelve days later.

"I am sorry.." he replied, truthfully.

"I just want to say that.." she can feel the tears staining her cheek. "That I haven't been the best wife or someone you can talk to and I'm so sorry. It has always been about me.. always been about healing Aamirah or joining Aamirah's pieces but it doesn't have to be all that anymore.."

"Aamirah.."

"No, Khaleel. Let me talk, please"

He nod his head watching her closely as she inhaled deeply as if battling with so many new emotions.

"You've healed me Khaleel, in so many.." she inched closer wrapping her hands around his neck. "Many ways.. I just want to be enough for you and also be your healer. Someone who you can trust and lean on, forever. I'm sorry I've been so caught up with myself.. I'm sorry for not trying harder. I'm sorry for leading you on and acting as if I don't care but the thing is.. I care.. a lot and somehow, I feel like I've failed you as a wife" she broke into tears.

"You haven't failed me Aamirah. In fact, you make me happy and so proud"

"I should have done better for you, or tried harder or actually showed more of my undying emotions breezing so hard in me it's hard to breathe sometimes. It's overpowering and.. and.. and.."

Khaleel gently caress her cheek, "Aamirah.. breathe, please"

"I couldn't give it.. to you" she inhaled thorough hard tears gushing down her face.

"I know you have everything Khaleel.. everything you want but I have nothing without you.."

He gently wipe away her streaming tears. "Aamirah, it's okay, you have me"

"No, it's not okay" she cried some more. "I want to heal you too Khaleel, let me fix your pieces too. Tell me how, please"

At this point, Khaleel is getting extremely confused about Aamirah's sudden outburst. He has never seen her like this.. so confused and needing to let the emotions out. Right now, he has no idea how to help her or what to say. It's like he is completely messed up and exhausted to think of the right way out.

His eyes feel heavy, his body is shutting down because he hasn't slept good for the past twelve days. He is physically and mentally exhausted and here is Aamirah, his wife, going on and on about wanting to be enough for him when in all honesty being with her is enough.

"I know I don't deserve you.. but just a moment, please, Khaleel?"

He inhaled sharply kissing her forehead longingly. "Mimi, I'm with you, okay?"

"Are you going back to Batool's?"

Khaleel was taken aback by the question but he composed himself quickly. "No, I'm with you for some days.."

"I don't know how Batool does it" Aamirah confessed nervous.

"Does what?" Khaleel asked more confused.

"Heal you"

It feels like someone drowned him with cold water. Of course Aamirah doesn't know how it's done.. a part of him knows he might fall apart tonight because Batool has been with him every other night but he cannot just avoid staying with Aamirah forever or staying alone. There has to be a way!

"Mimi, I'll be fine for some days. I have some pills I take to help me fall asleep and not run mad. Ya Zeezee's.. death ripped open old wounds and injuries. I've dealt with serious anxiety and depression when Mama died, it was to a point were I was utterly running out of my mind" he explained, "But this time, I won't let it get out of control Inshallah"

Aamirah did not know how to respond to that so she simply hugged him tight. She has never been in a position to help someone, she has always received the help so it's difficult for her to figure out what Khaleel needs. Besides, she is not a medical professional..

"I want you to heal with me too"

Khaleel trailed his hands down her curvaceous body. "Mimi, we will both heal. As long as we have each other"

"Khaleel?"

"Na'am Aamirah?"

She chuckled softly against his chest. "You've restored all my pieces"

His next breath was tangled in his chest. Suddenly, he is coughing and gasing for air.. Aamirah had to run and get him a glass of water. It was terrifying to see him like that but when he calmed down and regained control of his breathing.. he leaned down, slowly until he had completely capture her lips in a sweet sensational kiss. Aamirah did not let go. Not even when Khaleel let his hands memorise the dips and feels of her body. She held on, tighter, soaking in the intimate moment.

Until Khaleel had felt her shaken up a little.. that's when he let go. His hand pressed onto her bare back with her veil fallen to the ground beside them.

"It's okay Aamirah, one step at a time, okay?"

She bit her lip so hard.

What is wrong with her? She thought. It has always been her to stop things.. abruptly with the fear resonating through her body.

"It's me Khaleel, Mimi! Can you hear me?"

She breathe back to life from her overpowering day nightmare.

"I'm sorry.. your not him! I don't know what's wrong with me! Ya Rabbi! I'm sorry, I'm sorry.." she cried desperately moving away from him.

"Don't apologise love, it's fine. You can't just expect your body to be fine with this all of a sudden.. come here, I won't go far.."

She froze, unmoving. "I want this too.. so bad. I just don't know how.. how? Ya Allah, sustain me" she cried harder.

"It's okay love. It will be okay..Don't beat yourself to it" he caress her hand softly. "I'm just going to adjust your zipper, okay?" He asked softly moving closer.

"Okay" she breathe out, exhausted.

Khaleel was slow in his actions, so slow so he caught a glimpse of the harsh scars on her back. He doesn't know what overcome him but out of the blue, he had kissed the scars. One by one. Up until he can feel her breathing heavily and gripping onto his hand.

"I'm sorry.. Ya Rabeel Aalameen! I am so sorry"

He zipped it all the way.

"Don't apologise, Aamirah. We have all the time.. okay?"

"Okay"

He excused himself to take a shower and change into something more comfortable while she quickly arrange some food for him. When he met her by the dinning table with a bowl of pasta and shredded chicken sauce, she apologized for the rushed meal.

It was until he finished eating that's when he found the courage to tell her.

"The private investigator is coming tomorrow Inshallah.."

Aamirah stiffened. "Oh, okay"

"I have to prepare you Aamirah.. he doesn't come bearing good news"

Aamirah inhaled deeply.

"Khaleel.. it will be okay"

Gently moving closer, he lowered down to kiss her sweetly. "Yes," he breathe. "It will be okay"

***

As Khaleel promised, he had taken his drugs and immediately fallen asleep so deep, he didn't hear Aamirah toss and turn in bed. Aamirah on the other hand could barely sleep. All thoughts of the private investigator coming along with bad news haunts her so hard. What if he couldn't find her mother and sister? Ya Rabbi! What if, even worse he couldn't find them because they are no more..

The thought alone makes her want to cry.

Isn't there light at the end of the tunnel?

Then why isn't she finding her light?!

Hasn't she been through a long tunnel already?!

Astaghfirullah. She muttered sitting up. Allah never turns his back on his servants. Surely, He is aware of what she has been through and He is sufficient for her. So without further delay, she turned to Him, In Sujood, she cried her out and talked to her Lord when the demons seem to be crawling up on her.

She prayed for so long until it is time to pray Fajr and she had to wake Khaleel up. She tried, for so long because he was knocked out by the drugs.

It wasn't until he returned from Fajr prayers, that's when he was more aware of her swollen eyes and nervous demeanor. "Mimi, come lay down with me"

Aamirah removed the hijab from her body before folding it and dropping it. Then, she obeyed Khaleel's request laying down beside him on the bed. Her eyes refuse to close, her mind is going through so many things at once thinking about the what ifs.. many bad what's ifs.

Khaleel gently kissed her lips, he held her in his embrace. "Aamirah, you need to sleep, please love"

She tucked closer to him feeling his warmth cover her body homely. "I'm scared, so scared"

"Allah is with us, right now I need you to sleep, okay?"

She inhaled deeply nodding her head but it was hard to fall asleep. Not when she might finally reunite with her mother and sister or maybe not at all.

     When she woke up from her well deserved sleep, she met Khaleel in the kitchen stirring a mug of coffee. She decided to freshen up first before making breakfast for both of them. A pot of potatoes porridge and fruits in yoghurt.

Just as they finished eating, the door bell rang, Khaleel glanced at her quickly before pulling the door open to reveal Talha, the private investigator standing with a pouch and laptop bag in his hand. They exchanged pleasantries before Aamirah excused herself to get some refreshments for him which he declined, politely.

Aamirah was beyond nervous when she sat down on the couch beside Khaleel. Just like the last time they met with the investigator, Khaleel had taken her hand in his, stroking it gently, comforting her it will be okay.

"I hope your feeling much better, Aamirah" Talha said dropping his baggage on the counter table.

"Fine, Alhamdulilah. Thank you" she replied slightly awkward. She had a big episode the last time he was here! Of course he remembers.

"That's great!" He exclaimed. "I've done a lot of research.. and I've found a lot. Both good and bad.." he said slowly.

Khaleel let out a breath.

"Let me go through things.. may I?" Talha asked.

"Yes," Aamirah nod her head watching closely as he opened his laptop. He adjust his glasses before clearing his throat to speak.

"UmmulKhairi is an indigene of Nigeria, Yobe State. She has eleven siblings, eight boys and three girls.."

Aamirah gasped slightly. Never.. never in her life did she hear Mama speak about her family. She has always said nothing about where she comes from so all this is a big shock to her! The fact that she has so many uncles and aunties is overwhelming.

Ya Rabbi! Does that means she has cousins? Maybe even nieces and nephews..

Aamirah bit her lip to stop the tears from falling. She has a family! A real family! People to count on and visit! People to love and care for. People who are alive!

"Three girls are dead leaving only your eight uncles and your mother.. who is alive"

Cold water.

Showered on her.

"It says here that.." Talha continue reading from his laptop where he complied everything. "..your mother was sent to Sudan to work. She was assigned as a maid and later on, she met your father, a mechanic, Abubakar. They got married and they have children together.. I'm not sure how many.. but.."

"Three" Aamirah cut him off feeling overly confused about the new revalations. "Ashraf, Aamirah and Amina"

Khaleel stared at his wife lovingly. A part of him is happy that finally, somehow he fulfilled his promise of finding Aamirah's mother but another part is worried.. worried about the unknown. Worried about Aamirah's decision to either leave him or stay with him.. worried about how he is going to confess his undying feelings for her or if it will ever be the right time.

Ya Rabeel Aalameen!

He wasn't ready for this.. not at all.

"UmmulKhairi returned to Nigeria with her four years old baby.. she went back to Yobe and got married again to a business man, Alhaji Hayatu Yunus.. owner of multiple supermarkets"

It feels like time has stopped..

Right there, Aamirah froze, completely.

Mama got married again!

While she was dying in Sudan.. her mother got married.. again!

Khaleel saw her panicking so he placed his hand on her face quickly, "Mimi, breathe, it's okay.."

She inhaled sharply.

Khaleel jumped to his feet and fastly grabbed a cup of water for her. She drowned it down.. immediately.

"Look at me, I'm right here.. okay?" He whispered forgetting about Talha, who is awkwardly watching them concerned.

"Khaleel.. my chest is tightening up" she confessed letting the tears fall.

"Breathe in slowly and let go. Get in control of your emotions.. okay? Your stronger than this Mimi na.. you can do this"

She inhaled again, sharply, deeply, long.

Then, she released.

"What else?"

Talha nervously tap his legs. "We can continue later or reschedule.."

"No, I just need to know now! Everything"

Khaleel sat down beside her, "Don't overload more than you can bear. Let's do this one step at a time.."

"No" she broke down into tears. "I'm tired.. I've been searching for so long. I want to know everything! Please, tell me. I want to know!! I need to know"

"Okay Aamirah, calm down, he will tell us"

She sniffed back her tears waiting for Talha to speak.

"UmmulKhairi gave birth to two kids, boys.. along the way, she lost her eyesight.. I have her address here and she lives in Yobe. Amina is currently in University.. rounding up her studies while taking care of her blind mother"

All. This. While.

She has waited.. for long.

She has searched.. so hard.

She has cried.. every night.

She wished.. and yearned and begged to see her mother.

And when she has finally, finally found her..

It feels like she has lost.

Yet again.

***
Assalamualaikum babesss🙋🏾‍♀️

So many more revelations .. will Mama accept us? Can we handle the baggage she comes with??🙊

I might not update soon but will keep you updated on my Instagram (ammarhhh_)

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W so much many many love,
Ammarh 💓💓💓💓