The news that the doctor had been wrong and she hadn't had twins washed over Maxi like a wave of relief.

After the most painful experience in her life, she didn't think she could care about anything ever again. Once the news was delivered, she merely nodded in acceptance and let herself fall back in the soft pillows. Unlike last time when she gave birth and was antsy to see her baby and take him home, this time she knew that nothing but horror awaited her once she was out of the hospital.

She let the news sink in. She had another baby boy. This one, though slightly small, was perfectly healthy, so there was no drama to fuel her and give her energy. He would be fine, just like Kyle had ended up being. If only someone else could take care of him.

No! He's my baby, and I love him.

Then why did she feel like crying and hiding away from the world. Kyle was almost two and still so difficult to deal with, demanding constant care and attention. Add a newborn on top of that, and she never wanted to get out of bed again. How was she supposed to handle two kids? She could hardly handle herself.

Maybe she could call her mother again. The only problem was that after she'd helped her with Kyle for a couple of months, Freider made no effort to be subtle when asking Sophie to leave. They had their own little family, and a hovering mother-in-law was not what he wanted in his house. Maxi could understand on some level because she would've hated to have Grace there twenty-four-seven. She'd stopped being around all together for the past half-year, her health once again deteriorating to the point Freider had to commit her again.

Once Sophie left their house, she did something Maxi never saw coming. A mere month later, she called to announce that she'd sold their house and would be moving back to France. Since both her children were now independent, she claimed that she had nothing left there. Sure, she would visit and be there as needed, but she needed to go back to her roots and her old friends.

Maxi's heart had stuttered, but she'd found no words to ask her mother to stay. It would have been selfish and cruel seeing how much she'd pushed Sophie away for the past years. Max was focused on his business, and they hadn't even spoken in over a year. Her mother must've truly felt lonely, an outsider in a foreign country. So Maxi let her leave.

There would be no help this time. She would have to deal with it alone.

At least Freider was excited about the birth. When he came to see her, he was all smiles, his eyes twinkling, speaking about names, room arrangements, schools, and whatnot. He even expressed how sorry he was that there weren't two boys because he would have loved to see their dynamic and teach them so many things. She could do little but nod, her eyes lost in the distance.

"What's going on?" he asked, frowning. "You don't seem happy at all that we have a healthy baby boy."

"I'm just tired," she said.

His eyes narrowed. "You were tired after Kyle, too. Aren't you happy that we're parents again?" He hesitated for a few seconds, a shadow of sorrow crossing his face. "Don't you wish we had twins, too? I was so looking forward to it."

The questions had her skin crawling, and she realized that, for a second, she'd let the mask slip off her face. She gave him a pained smile. "Of course I'm happy. And I do wish we'd had twins like the doctor said initially. Maybe a boy and a girl."

Freider smiled at her, but he didn't seem convinced by her act. However, he dropped it for the time being. She didn't like it. It felt like some hidden danger now lurked in the background, so she did her best to put on a happy face.

She hadn't been wrong, though. Once they reached home, she found herself completely overwhelmed. They'd decided to have baby Jerry and Kyle in the same room since Kyle was too young to leave the nursery. This, however, meant that Kyle would also wake up every time the baby had to eat, which turned him into a very cranky toddler.

A few days in, and she could hardly keep her eyes open. Her body was unresponsive and heavy, and she could do little more than go through the motions. Freider did his share, taking over one round of nighttime feeding and staying with them for the time she needed to take a shower and have a bite to eat. She couldn't push for more. He worked full time, and it was obvious that the situation exhausted him, too. And yet, he had a smile on his face every day. She had to force it while he was around. When he wasn't, she didn't care, letting her face rest into the perpetual frown which had taken over his life.

Every day was darker than the previous one, an endless cloud of toxic fumes smothering her. Tears, apathy, forced smiling, more tears. It was an endless cycle of misery.

She had to do this. It will get better. With each horrid day, they both grew older. And before she knew it, they would be grown-ups, leave the home, and she'd finally have her peace.

No, I should cherish the moments.

She couldn't. She felt like she was slowly sinking into an all-consuming madness, unable to truly be there for her kids, to love them, and enjoy parenthood. But she continued forward, one strained smile at a time.

It all came crashing down one morning. Jerry had his first fever and had cried all night. In the cold light of morning, Maxi tried to cook something for lunch. The baby was in the stroller right next to her, and Kyle in his highchair, having fruit mush.

Her temples throbbed, and for the first time in months, her brain cleared of motherhood, and she thought of Davyn. Was this what it felt like when he got migraines? It was hell. Her teeth clattered together, and there was a bitter taste in her mouth. Where was he? What was he doing? Why wasn't he there to share the torment with her? To end her, if he wanted his revenge. This was his fault anyway. If he hadn't knocked her up, she wouldn't be here. She would be at Julliard.

She wished she'd never met him. Him and his stupid loud noise of a music, disrupting her practice. Him and all his darkness and his snarkiness and the way he made her feel when he touched her in places he had no business--

A loud crash filled the kitchen, and she jumped out of her memories, out of being Millie again.

Kyle's bowl lay shattered on the kitchen tiles, mashed fruit everywhere.

Something seemed to snap inside her. Her palm flew out and swiped across the toddler's face. Caught by surprise, he only stared for a second, his dark blue eyes identical to his father's. Then he started bawling. Of course, the noise woke up the baby, and Jerry began wailing, too.

She couldn't do this anymore. Like in a nightmare, she yanked Kyle out of the high chair and dropped him on the floor. He crumpled there, still crying. She picked Jerry up, grabbed Kyle's arm, and headed up the stairs, into the nursery, dragging him along. She dropped Jerry in his crib, then hoisted Kyle inside his and left them there, slamming the door behind her.

The noise dimmed only slightly. It still grated on her eardrums, filling every inch of her, a catalyst for her pain.

She crossed the hall into the bathroom and shut the door behind her. The noise quieted down. When she turned on the faucet to the tub, the pouring water finally covered it. If she didn't focus, she could pretend there was no crying. No babies, no pain, no headache. It was just her again. She just let the water run, watching it fill the tub. Steam rose from it, thick and smothering.

When the tub was half-full, she stripped her nightgown. She had one of those hideous things with buttons for breastfeeding, dirty and crumpled. Another form of torture she couldn't stand. Everything hurt. Her body and her soul for her failure.

She stepped into the scalding water. The pain was a blessing, relieving some of her guilt, cleansing her sins. She sank into it until the water covered her ears. Now, she truly couldn't hear anything anymore except her pulse and the thundering water. It was blissful silence after all the noise in her life.

Finally, she could stop thinking. It was the first moment of peace she'd felt in years. She couldn't even remember who she was, what it meant to be her. It didn't matter anymore. She'd give anything for the peace.

She sunk lower until the water covered her face completely. It was like being stuck in limbo. Her lungs burned from the lack of air, but it wasn't worse than what awaited her if she surfaced. It also burned once water made its way in. It would only hurt for a little while. Then, she would truly be at peace.

Bright light danced in front of her eyes and she no longer felt like a failure. Nothing mattered there and she was content with it.

The light flickered and a myriad of sensations flooded her body. Cold, pain, suffocation, nausea. Fear, anger, despair. Colors and sounds morphed around her, and the first thing she became aware of was Freider's face inches from her own.

"Maxi!"

She didn't answer. She couldn't even if she wanted to. Her body shook so violently, her teeth banged together. She blinked a few times, trying to make sense of her surroundings, banish the fog from her brain.

Little things caught her attention. She was naked on the bathroom tiles. Freider's pants were wet, as were his shoes and the front of his shirt. His brown tie still dripped water. Somewhere in the distance, the crying of babies continued. It tore through her and she wanted back under water.

"Make them stop," she whispered.

Freider turned his attention from her to the door, and pushed it closed. The noise dimmed a little, but it was still there.

"What do you think you're doing?" His voice was a mixture of rage and terror.

She didn't think. She couldn't, not anymore. Her body shivered from the cold. He stood and returned with a bathrobe, draping it around her. It didn't help. She still felt trapped in a block of ice. Her vision blurred as she pulled the fabric tighter around herself. Not even Freider's rage could touch her now.

He seemed to notice that because his frame loosened. In the distance, the sound of her crying children could be heard. It tore into her, bringing with it the realization of what she'd done. In a frenzy, she tried to stand, but her legs wouldn't support her.

"The kids," she breathed.

"They're fine, they're just crying because they're scared."

"Them being scared is not fine. It's not--" Her words were cut off by tears because she couldn't undo what had been done. She was the reason why they were so scared

"They can wait a minute," Freider insisted, his grasp on her shoulder tightening. "Because this..." He glanced at her, the worry evident in his eyes. "This is more important."

"I need to be there for them," she whimpered.

Freider ignored her and picked her up. The heat of his body only made her tremble more. She wanted to fight him, but couldn't. When he placed her on the bed, she hated that she felt relief.

"I need to--"

"You can't be there for them. Not like this." His tone was final. "You're trying to do so much."

That wasn't true. She was just so very bad at it. She couldn't believe what she'd just done, how she'd left both of her babies defenseless.

"You can't handle this. We can't handle this. We need help."

Tears streamed down her face and she couldn't hold them back anymore. Hold the pain inside her chest back. It started with sobs, then wails. It hurt so much. Everything hurt. She could feel Freider's arms around her, but they brought no solace. In that moment, she didn't think anything could. She hated him for pulling her out of that tub.

No. No, no, no.

But as much as she tried, she couldn't deny that truth. She wasn't enough. She was a failure in every sense of the word.

"That's it. I can't see you like this. I'm calling your mother."

Maxi had no strength to protest, to point out that her mother was in France and wouldn't be coming. Like in a dream, she could hear Freider on the phone, speaking to someone, his tone firm and serious. The cries of her babies still filled the air, but she couldn't get out of bed, couldn't stand. She drifted in and out of focus, then in and out of consciousness.

She vaguely remembered Freider giving her some tea, telling her he'd handle everything. Then there was silence, her children no longer crying, no longer needing her. At some point, she woke up to the soothing touch of her mother.

"Maman?"

"Shh, cherie. I'm here." Sophie held her close against her, stroking her hair.

"I'm so sorry," she wailed.

"Whatever are you sorry for?"

She had no answer to that. She just cried until she fell asleep again. The next time she woke up, Freider and Sophie were both by her side.

"How are you feeling, honey?" he asked.

She tried to think of an answer, but she couldn't tell. Her mind was still groggy and her body felt heavy and sore. An answer was expected of her, so she shrugged.

"You see what I meant." Her husband turned towards her mother, concern filling his voice. "This is the best solution."

Sophie hesitated, her glance moving from her daughter to the door. "I don't know what to say about that."

"Don't you want to help us?"

"It's not about me. It's just... He'll be so far away."

"What are you talking about?" Maxi asked.

Freider turned to her, still looking worried. "You're obviously not well. Overwhelmed by everything that's been going on. I've spoken to your mother about keeping Kyle with her for a while."

"What? Take him to France?" She couldn't stand the thought. It was so far away.

"No, not to France. To Texas."

"I could stay with Max for a while," Sophie supplied, her voice soothing. "Until Jerry gets a little older and you're ready to have him back."

Maxi blinked. A part of her screamed in protest, but it was tiny compared to the relief she felt. She needed this to happen. To have the burden and the guilt off her shoulders, even if for a little while. "That sounds lovely."

Sophie looked surprised, and she turned to Freider. "Well, then..."

"I told you it's the best course of action. Thank you for doing this."

"I guess..."

Her mother sounded hesitant, and Maxi was overcome with fear. "Look, if you don't want to..."

Sophie glanced from her to the door, as if she could see Kyle through it. Then, she suddenly made up her mind. "Again, this is not about me. If you think that this is best for you and for Kyle, then I will take him."

Maxi wrapped her arms around her mother. "Thank you so much."

Sophie stiffened, merely patting her on the back a few times before pulling away and standing. "Then there is no point lingering. I will go pack Kyle's things and we'll be on our way."

"What, already?" 

"You can say goodbye to Kyle, don't worry," Freider said, though he too looked relieved. It made her feel less guilty.

It happened so fast. One moment, she was explaining to her wide-eyed child that he was going away to live with his Grandmaman and uncle Max for a while, then, he was gone. The improvement wasn't great, because she still had to take care of Jerry. The stress, the guilt and the weariness had her staying on the brink of collapse.

It was then that Freider decided to hire a nanny for Jerry so that, after more than two years, she could finally rest.

When she did, she realized that it had been months since Kyle left their house. Around the same time, she found that she was pregnant again.

Once again, she wanted to die.

♣♣♣

This is a heavy chapter. In case you didn't figure it out, Maxi had a severe case of post-partum depression. Such a state was not acknowledged in 1995 when this is taking place, so of course she didn't realize she is sick and feels like a faliure.

She gave Kyle up so easily. And it's what broke her relationship with Sophie for good - her willingness to see him gone.

And yes, she's pregnant again. Her life is trash.

We are so very close to the end. Only 3 chapters left and the epilogue. I hope you'll stick around for the end of the story!