44. The Choice

Millie hated how she failed to control herself around Davyn. Sure, she'd missed him so much, and kissing him made her feel less empty and cold. For one glorious moment, it felt as if nothing had happened, as if they could still be....just them. But when he had left, he'd given her food for thought.

She still couldn't chew it. As much as she tormented herself over it, she had no idea what to do. Her mind and her heart were tugging in two separate directions, thinning her out. Which led to the second disastrous decision. Accepting Freider's dinner invitation.

While she got ready, it didn't compute. It didn't for the cab ride there either. Once she entered the restaurant and he stood to greet her, his brown eyes widened in surprise, she realized that she'd messed up. She was wearing a dress and makeup and heels. She'd gotten ready as if she were going out on a date.

The guilt plunged into her stomach instantly, but it wasn't like she could turn around and blot. Especially since Freider replaced the initial surprise with a warm smile.

With an inner groan, she made her way over. He didn't lean over to kiss her on the cheek or anything, and it gave her hope that she hadn't messed up. As she took her seat, she realized that, even if it were a date or could be perceived as one from the outside, she and Davyn were no longer together. She was single and doing nothing wrong. Except every part of her still squirmed.

"You look so different," Freider said.

The fact that he didn't outright compliment her had Millie relaxing. "Yes, I know. Most people are used to seeing me covered in paint."

"A worthy sacrifice for your art," he said, nodding sagely.

This drew a smile out of her. "True."

They spent the next few minutes looking over the menu and discussing dishes, which took the edge off and helped her relax. The place was fairly fancy, so when Freider mentioned dinner was on him, she accepted it without question. Not like she could afford anything off the menu.

"How are you doing?" he asked once they placed their order.

Her mood instantly plummeted. From his tone, she understood only too well what he meant, and she was once again reminded of Davyn and how weak she'd been.

"Not great," she finally said. "But I'm doing my best, you know?" No, she wasn't. She was doing horribly.

"It's never easy doing the right thing," he said, his tone low.

"I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing." The words were out before she could help them, and she sounded so desperate, she cringed.

Freider faltered for a moment, and she guessed it was strange for him to see her like this.

"Whatever it is that you feel is too much," he finally said, choosing his words carefully. "Can you picture yourself accepting it?"

She tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, can you picture your future, what your life would be like if you made the opposite choice?"

Could she picture her future with Davyn? Yes, of course, it was what she most wanted. But could she imagine what it would be like if he stayed Snitch Gravel? The thought made her shudder.

"No," she whispered.

She couldn't bear it. Because even if she could somehow come to terms with the fact that he was dealing drugs and hurting people, she couldn't live with the constant fear that he'd be discovered, and then either arrested or killed.

"Then, it means that you made the right choice. Even if it will take some time for you to accept your life the way it is now."

Hollow and painful. But Freider was right. And his words gave her the strength she needed not to back down. She couldn't live with Snitch Gravel, so Davyn would have to choose between her and his "job".

"We all have the power to change our lives," Freider continued. "And sometimes, the best decisions are the hardest."

The sadness in his tone had her paying a bit more attention to him. They'd never discussed anything truly meaningful, and it seemed as if there was a lot more to him than she'd cared to notice.

"Is there anything I can do?" she found herself asking.

He smiled, and it made her stomach flip. "It's nice of you to offer, but I really don't want to bring my problems into this."

"Why not? Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on. And heaven knows I've cried on yours."

"You've actually been really discreet about your problems." He heaved a deep sigh. "I wish I could do more for you. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be happy."

Millie blinked, trying to wrap her mind around his words. No one had ever said anything like that to her. Davyn never said anything like that. He'd mentioned her being independent and following her dreams, but nothing about happiness. Was he ever even truly happy? And here she was, thinking about him again when she said she wouldn't.

She cleared her throat. "So do you, really. You're a good person."

"So are you. Birds who flock together and all that jazz." He smiled again, but this time, it looked sad.

She decided that they'd had enough doom and gloom for one evening, so she changed the subject to something light and fun. He accepted it, and the rest of their dinner was pleasant. By the time they exited the restaurant, she realized she'd forgotten about her heartache for a glorious moment.

"Want me to drive you home?"

She shook her head. As nice as Freider was, she'd just come out of a relationship that meant everything, and she definitely didn't want to give him the wrong idea.

"Why not? It's cold outside."

It was. November was almost over, and a chilly wind had been blowing for the past few days. She hugged herself, tightening her coat around her. Even if it was cold, the warmth wasn't worth getting in a small, closed space with Freider, especially now when she was so emotional.

"I live nearby. I'll just walk. The cold air will help me clear my head."

He hummed and sunk his hands in his pockets. "Have you decided what you're going to do?"

The question brought back bounds of anxiety. "I still need to think. But you're right. If something doesn't feel right, I should roll with my instinct."

Except in her case, it felt right. It just wasn't for whole different reasons.

"That's good to hear." Freider leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "If you ever need me, I'm a phone call away." And he passed her a business card.

"Thank you," she stammered.

He smiled and walked away, heading for the parking lot. Millie watched him go, grateful that he never pushed her even if her flakiness must have been annoying. But did he really think she wanted more? Did he? She couldn't tell because he never got emotional or tried to coherce her into anything other than friendly chat. Maybe he really was just a friend, and she was being a weirdo. Somehow, she wanted to believe that she meant more to him, for whatever crazy reason.

She shook her head to drive the confusing thoughts back and glanced at the card instead.

Freider Grant. PI.

"Huh," she whispered, pocketing the card. She liked his name. It was an interesting combination.

As she walked towards the dorms, she found herself analyzing Freider's offer rather than her impending decision. Fortunately, as she reached her room, her roommates were asleep, so she could take a shower and change into her pajamas without questions about what appeared to be a date. It definitely wasn't. Just a friendly dinner.

When she returned to her room, the window was open. She shuddered and rushed to close it, cursing under her breath and wondering who had thought it was a good idea to open the window on this weather. But as she reached it and grabbed the clasp, she came to her senses.

Her roommates were still asleep, cuddled up in their blankets. Davyn was on the roof.

"Shoot," she mumbled and rushed to grab her jacket. 

A moment later, she was stepping out on the roof. She hadn't been wrong. Davyn really was there, his forearms resting on his knees, glancing out into the street. Even if it was nearly freezing out, he wore a hoodie and his leather jacket on top.

"What are you doing out here?" she hissed.

"Didn't I mention I'd come by to talk?" It took him a moment to turn to her, and she wondered what he'd been thinking about.

Was it fire again? Was he plotting to intimidate some other poor soul, or whatever his criminal gang did? She had no idea and didn't want to know. And it didn't matter anyway. What did was that her heart started thumping against her ribs, bringing a stitch to her side.

"You can't just come in like that," she said.

"I came by earlier but didn't find you. Where were you?"

A knot lodged itself into her throat, and Freider's card still in her pocket seemed to weigh a ton. Stop it! You have no reason to feel guilty!

"None of your business."

He nodded. "Fair enough. At least it's none of my business yet. I'm still waiting for the words which will set you free."

She rolled her eyes, even if it became hard to breathe. "You and that nonsense again."

"Watch it. I'm taking your snark as flirting."

"It's not flirting!"

"Here you go again."

"Davyn..." She let out a long breath and sat next to him. The fight had gone out of her because he was right. This was painful. It was the game they'd been playing before he'd tried to teach her how to swim before he'd kissed her for the first time and ruined her forever.

She missed him. The heat of his body. The energy he gave her and the way he made her feel. Could she really swallow this all up and continue where they'd left off? The words were on the tip of her tongue. It would be easy. She knew that if she said it was fine, he'd kiss her, take her back to his place. They'd make love, and he'd hold her through the night. Then she'd go to school, and he'd go back to his lair, and she'd have to pretend she had no idea what he was doing.

She could do that for a day. A week. A month. Maybe even until she graduated. But then what?

"What do you see yourself doing in the future?" she asked.

"Being with you," he said without missing a beat.

His words had her stomach fluttering, but she shut her eyes tightly. A sob fought its way up her throat, and she pushed it back.

"For how long?"

There was a small pause. "What do you mean for how long?"

"How long do you think we would stay together?"

"I'm not sure that's the right question. We're not together anymore. Unless you say we are, I don't see the point in even thinking about that."

He made a very good point. Why figure out the answer to a very hard question if he didn't want to? But she was not done. Her talk with Freider had made one thing extremely clear. They needed to put this into perspective.

"Okay, I have another question." She swallowed heavily, and tears filled her eyes. As she prepared herself to ask what was the heaviest question, she finally found the answer to her own. "Can you see yourself doing this in five years? Ten? Because I can't. Maybe it would work now, while I'm a child, while I'm infatuated with you. But this is not how I want to live my life. I do want to be with you, but not liked this."

"Millie..." 

There was so much defeat in his voice, and her heart cracked right down the middle. The tears escaped down her cheeks, and she drew in a rattled breath.

"I don't want you to be a criminal. I want you to go to college, make a career for yourself in a field you love. I want to have a family with you, I want..." Sobs choked her words. "I can't do it like this. I don't see myself with you like this. I can't."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. She clutched the front of his hoodie, letting the tears flow. What did it matter anymore? What did it matter when it was over?

"It's not like that," he whispered.

"Yes, it is," she sobbed. "I love you, but I can't do this. I can't share you with Snitch Gravel. So don't ask me to tell you that I don't love you. But that doesn't mean we can still be together."

He tightened his hold on her and rested his chin on top of her head. It was so unfair that he could still make her feel safe, that he could be the Davyn she fell in love with. And yet, he was also the ruthless man who'd watched his minion hurt her. The reason didn't matter. She knew he'd had to do it. It was still unacceptable to her that he could.

For a while, she just cried as he held her. After a while, the tears dried, and all that was left was emptiness and pain. So much pain, she wasn't sure she could ever stand again. Because he wasn't saying anything. He wasn't giving up on Snitch Gravel for her. He'd already made his choice.

"You should go," she whispered.

"Millie, it doesn't have to be over. We could still talk--"

"No. Now it's your turn to think and make a choice. Would you rather have this than the future I mentioned? What do you want for yourself long-term? What will be left once I'm out of school and I won't need protection? What will happen once your brother outgrows this place, too? What will you have then?"

He had no answer for her questions. She knew he wouldn't. It had taken her way too long to come to terms with what she really wanted. It couldn't be much easier for him. Or maybe it was, and she'd already lost.

"I don't think there's any point seeing each other again unless you change your mind."

She dared pull away and glance at him. The sadness in his gaze almost broke her all over again. She'd expected him to be serious, stoic, glance at her with ice in his eyes, not fire. This wasn't easy for him, and it made her feel a tiny bit better.

"I understand," he finally said.

"Good."

He stood and took a few steps towards the window. Then, he faltered and threw her one last glance. For one wild moment, she thought he'd rush back over, take her face in his hands and kiss her, whisper that he loved her and that there was nothing more important in the world than her.

But that wouldn't be Davyn. He had darkness, and he had a mind on his own. She didn't think anyone could be more important than what he set his mind to, and that wasn't the kind of love she needed. She needed to come first, to be beyond any plan. The reality that she wasn't crushed her.

"Goodbye, darling," he said instead and made his way inside.

Even with the pulse thundering in her ears, she heard the door to her room close. The moment it did, the tears returned, flowing freely down her face. This was it. He'd said goodbye, and she'd said nothing in return. She'd told him that she loved him, and he'd said nothing in return.

It was over without a goodbye kiss, without a desperate bid to stay together, without tears from his side.

There was no doubt that he'd made his choice, and it wasn't her.

She hugged herself tightly as she continued crying. 

What if this was the last time she would ever see him? She should've looked more, touched him more. But as it was, she had no do overs.

Love was cruel.

♣️♣️♣️

Things aren't looking happy and Davyn has a lot of thinking to do. Millie finally put her foot down helped by Freider's advice.

It's getting complicated and it might just leas to some very bad (or good) decisions.

Stick around to see what they are!

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