CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE

"I'm not weak."

***

"Listen to me carefully." 

 Clarke's voice seemed to echo around in my head as I blankly stared at the wall. I wanted to look at the monitors, or at Clarke, or at Bellamy or something, but my gaze was stubbornly unmoving, glaring holes into the still metal walls. 

 "I will not stop until my people are safe. If you don't let them go... I'll irradiate level five." 

 My head dropped slightly at these words. I was exhausted. Whether it was from the emotional horror of seeing Fox's body and knowing that her death was painful, or the fact that I literally just shot a man in the chest, I have no idea... I do, however, know that Clarke was in no way bluffing. 

 "Cage. Listen to me. Nobody else has to die. Stop the drilling, and we can talk... there has to be a way to get us all out of this." 

 Under different circumstances, I would have laughed. There is no way that both sides of this war could emerge victorious. If Cage miraculously decides to stop drilling, than the Grounders will get to him next. If he doesn't, than all of our people will die, and we'll be stuck in this goddamn control center until we starve or some shit like that. 

 "Emerson is coming for us." 

 That got me to look up. The monitor showed the man running down the hall, away from Cage, and toward us. I sighed deeply as Bellamy turned to Monty, "he deactivated my key-card... can you do the same to him?" 

 "That one's easy," Monty breathed, turning and practically jumping in front of the computer, beginning to rapidly type something on the keyboard as Bellamy's eyebrows pulled together in confusion. "Where's he going?" He asked, as we watched Cage stalk throughout the level, turning into a hallway and pulling the door open. 

 "The dorm," I realized, although I was sure my voice was too quiet to be heard. Clarke's eyes were wide, like she had just been told directly when the world was gonna end, and she turned to Monty, her tone urgent. "Can you do it? Can you irradiate the level?" 

 "I can do it." 

 "Wait-" I jumped up, before even realizing I was moving. My voice was still hoarse, and I gave Clarke a wide-eyed look. "There are kids in there. T-There are people who helped us." 

 "Then please give me a better idea." 

 I opened my mouth to retort, but nothing came out. Was there a better way? Was there a way to get the people we love out of this without killing a bunch of innocent people? I wracked my brain for something to say, but movement on the monitors made my head snap to the side. 

 They were taking Raven off of the table, something that should have given me relief, since she was obviously still alive. However, it just made my heart plummet right out of my chest when I saw that they were replacing her with Abby. 

 An eye for an eye... jus drein, jus daun. 

 I swore loudly, balling my fist and squeezing my eyes shut, shaking my head. They can't drill Abby, they can't just kill her. 

 I was shaking a lot now, and tears were falling down my face before I even knew I was crying. This was all too real for me. I know what it feels like to have your mother die right in front of your eyes... I don't think anyone could survive that twice. 

 "Clarke, we have to think about this!" Bellamy exclaimed as I leaned my hands onto the table, trying to suck air into my lungs. I know what a panic attack feels like, and it doesn't feel good. "If we do this there is no going back!" 

 The stuble nod towards Monty was all the response she needed. I straightened, my breathing very shallow and my eyesight beginning to blur at the edges. I feel like I did after I was stabbed- when I thought I was dead. Like I was being squeezed into a tube too small for my body, and it was cutting off my circulation. 

 "Look-"

 With increasing difficulty, I turned my eyes back to the monitor, and although the pictures were blurry, they were obvious. Two people were running from the room Octavia and Maya were taking cover in, and guards were taking their place. 

 Octavia seemed fine, however, as she threw her knife with the accuracy only a Grounder could possess, hitting the first guard in the chest. She knocked the other off of his feet, sliding on the ground and pulling the knife out, slashing at his throat and knocking the other to the ground. 

 "Huh." 

 I turned around to see Phia observing the screen, her eyebrows raised and confusion evident on her face. "She seems to be a fast learner." 

 "Not our main problem-" Bellamy muttered as about six more guards filled the corridor, Octavia forced to turn and run. 

 I jumped at a loud pounding from the door, my heart beating so fast I was pretty sure I was going in to cardiac arrest. "We got company." 

 Bellamy's eyes were glued to the screen as Octavia was cornered in the mess hall. Her hands were up, which I knew was bad, since Octavia would not surrender so easily unless the circumstances were truly horrific. At the same moment, Jasper was brought into the harvest chamber. 

My head pounded, ugh, this is too much for me. 

 "Why are you stopping?" Clarke demanded, and Monty looked up at her, his eyes a mixture of scared and relieved, "because I did it... all you have to do is pull that lever." 

 We all seemed to have a telepathic connection, as we stared at the lever with intense gazes. Phia frowned, "he's gonna blow the door," she realized, watching Emerson outside and spiking a whole different problem. 

 "Clarke!" Monty exclaimed, "we don't have much time!" 

 Clarke's face was distressed as she put her hand on the lever, and I jumped, placing my hand on her arm. "No, wait-" 

 She looked up at me, suddenly just a scared girl, and not the warrior she had to grow into. I swallowed, glancing between the lever and the monitor. "L-Let me." 

 She observed my face for a few seconds, before she shook her head, the action so small it was barely noticeable. "I can't. I can't let you do that." 

 "Together." 

 It was Bellamy who spoke, his tone set as he walked forward, placing his hand on top of mine, which was on top of Clarke's. I nodded firmly, my lips pulled into a tight line. Phia stood next to me, staring down at the lever herself, and shaking her head. "The things we do for our people." She muttered under her breath, before reaching forward and resting her hand on Bellamy's. 

 And together, we pulled the lever. 

 For a moment, nothing happened. We just stood there, our breathing mangified and a loud ringing in my ears that came from seemingly nowhere. 

 And then people began to fall. 

 It was gradual at first, one at a time, and the more and more began dropping like flies, radiation burned into their skin, cutting off their oxygen and stopping their hearts. I clenched my teeth, squeezing Bellamy's hand with my own, none of us knowing what to say. We stood there for a moment, the familiar iron glove clenching my chest, as I was sure it was doing to everyone else. 

 Clarke spoke up. "Let's go get our people." 

 ***

 "What did you do?" 

 The very vague sound of an alarm beeping was the only other thing in my mind as Jasper stared up at us, cradling a body in his arms. It was Maya, the girl who saved our lives... dying at our hands.

 I averted my gaze as Clarke answered, her voice holding a very subtle quiver. "We had no choice."  

 "I-I-I was gonna kill Cage. I-if you had just given me one more minute it would have been over!" 

 "Jasper," I tried, mustering up all of my courage in order to look him in the eye. Tears were falling down his face, and my throat was so constricted I could barely breath. "You know he wouldn't have stopped. It would have never stopped." 

 "We have to go to the dorms." 

 I was about to follow, but my feet were rooted in place. I turned around, looking at all of the people who died, remorse eating me alive as I remembered that there were families here. Kids who never got to see the sun shine or the moon make it's course across the sky. I swallowed thickly, wiping the tears off of my face and thinking of just how ashamed Fox would be right now. 

 "Yu gonplei ste odon."

  I didn't know what else to say, so I turned, stopping in my tracks when I saw Phia staring back at me. I clenched my teeth. "I'm not weak." 

 She nodded once, "I know."  

 "I-I loved her. S-She was my friend." 

 "I know," Phia walked forward, placing her hand on my shoulder, before wrapping her arms around my waist, allowing me to lean my head on hers, trying to hold in my tears. It was weird, how far we had come.

 "Living is the hardest thing you will ever do, Nathaniel." She said, pulling away and nodding once. "Death comes to relieve you of that pain. But for now, we have to keep living, because if we don't than our fight would have been for nothing."

 I dipped my head in my own form of a nod, and together, we walked off to get our family back.  

 ***

 "Raven-" 

 As soon as I saw Wick carrying Raven's limp body in his arms, I ran over. Her eyes were fluttered, but open ever so slightly, and her entire body sagged. "N-Nate?"

 I tried for a smile, "hey, girl. You look like shit." 

 "Coming from you that means a lot," her voice was so quiet I had to lean forward to hear it, and she winced. I couldn't imagine what she was feeling right now, but the good part about being disoriented, is that you don't have to know about all of the horrible things that happened until later on. In the time being, you just have to know that you're alive. 

 I smiled, although my lip was quivering. "You never fail to impress me, Reyes. Can I have your autograph?"

 "How about a hug?" 

 I laughed, leaning down to press my hand onto her shoulder, trying to move her as little as possible. I looked up at Wick, who had an expression of indifference on his face. "Thank you." 

 He didn't ask what for, he just nodded.

I turned to find Abby, only to see that she was already looking at me. I walked forward, wrapping my arms around her and inhaling deeply, trying to get my heartbeat back to normal. "I'm sorry, Abby." 

 "No." She held my shoulders firmly, kissing my forehead. "Thank you. Thank you for taking care of Clarke." 

 "Clarke takes care of herself." 

 Abby shook her head lightly, lowering her voice. "You're the only person who hasn't betrayed her, Nathan." 

 "I left her." I shot back, shaking my head lightly. "She tried to save you, and I left her. I hated her." 

 "But she never hated you. She never hated you, and she trusts you more than she trusts me." She used her thumb to wipe a stray tear from my cheek. "So I am saying thank you, because you are what Clarke needs in this world." 

 I nodded, sniffling and swallowing once, hugging Abby again and wishing that this victory didn't come at such a cost. 

 ***

 The wind brushed through my hair as I leaned my head against the fence, staring up at the sky, my knees to my chest. I hadn't seen the outside in so long, and I almost forgot how annoyingly beautiful earth was. 

 Phia sat next to me, neither of us saying anything. Just looking out at the world, seeing families reuniting, some breaking down at the news that their loved one was dead. 

 It struck me that I didn't know if Fox had parents. She was arrested when she was really young, so I guess I never really figured to ask. It made me wonder if there was someone out there who felt the same way that I did right now. 

 "You know, I can't help but wonder what happened to John Murphy." 

 Usually, I would be annoyed with Phia for bringing up Murphy, but I couldn't help but agree. I hadn't seen Murphy for a long time, and now he's not here either. I doubted he was dead, since I would have heard something about it, but I also wasn't ready to rule out the category, "maybe he said the wrong thing to the wrong person and finally got what was in for him." 

 "Why do you hate John Murphy, even after he saved your life?" 

 I turned to give the girl a perplexed look. We had both discarded as much of the guard uniform as we could, so we sat in the tan pants and white tank tops, looking like a bunch of losers. Phia, however, looked the weirdest. She looked like someone you would just see walking across the Ark. If you ignored the tattoo that spiraled from her back across her arm. "When did Murphy save my life?" 

 "At the cliff," she tilted her head, "the rope broke, and he caught it. He could have let you fall, but he didn't."

 I blinked once, falling silent at this new piece of information. Murphy didn't let me fall off the cliff? Even after I threatened to push him off of one? 

 Of course, I didn't say that. I just said, "huh." 

 "Nate-" Bellamy popped out of nowhere, also in the same ex-guard ensemble. He held out his hand, and I raised my eyebrows, accepting it as I was hauled from the ground. "We need to talk." 

 I nodded, turning to Phia, who just gave me the ghost of a smile before I was dragged off. 

 Bellamy and I walked in silence, neither of us knowing what to say. Finally, I spoke up. "I'm okay. I'm not gonna go crazy again."

 He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "We all know the feeling."

 I nodded, pursing my lips. "Sometimes I wish we were still at the camp," I admitted, running my hand through my hair. "It was easy back then. Just.... Grounders." 

 "Trying to kill us." 

 A small smile quirked onto my lips. "I guess... just thanks for not leaving." 

 Bellamy turned to look at me again, halting his movement and almost making me trip. "Someone's gotta make sure you don't accidentally kill yourself," He teased, and I rolled my eyes, "might as well be me." 

 "I hate you, Blake." 

 "I hate you, too." 

 The moment of peace I got when he kissed me was the first that I have felt in a long time. I was reminded that we were alive. We were alive, even if some weren't. 

 We pulled away, and I allowed my eyes to stay closed for a second longer, trying to relish the peace for as long as I could. I tried for a smile, "welcome to the new age of earth, Blake." 

 "Nothing could be worse than that." 

 I heard my name being called, and turned my head, seeing Clarke stare back at me. I grabbed Bellamy's hand as I walked over to the blonde, who seemed to have every emotion possible dancing in her eyes. "I can't go in there."

 I glanced over my shoulder at the camp, biting my lip. "Yeah, it's gonna suck, but it's better than the mountain-"

 "No, Nathan." Her tone was set, and my eyebrows shot up. "I'm not going in there." 

 I got a sinking feeling in my chest, and I looked over her shoulder, the forest seeming to stare back at me, like a wide gaping mouth waiting to swallow my friend whole. I chose my words carefully. "Clarke, I know that you feel like what you did was unforgivable, but you weren't alone. I forgive you, we forgive you-" 

 "Seeing their faces every day is just going to remind me what I did to get them here." 

 "What we did," Bellamy defended, as shock inflated in my chest. Clarke couldn't just leave. It makes no sense, after everything she has been through... she can't just walk away. "You don't have to do this alone."

 Clarke gave the camp a lingering gaze, seeming to say everything she couldn't put in to words. She thinks that this is her fault. She thinks that all of the pain has transfered to the gravity pressing down on her shoulders. 

 "I bear it, so they don't have to." 

 I didn't know what to say, so Bellamy asked for me. "Where will you go?" 

 "I don't know." 

"Clarke-" my voice stuttered when I said her name, and she turned to me, hugging my tightly, her hair brushing against my face as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. She was shaking, so I knew she was scared. I knew that under all of the armour she built up, she is still the little girl who was afraid of horror movies. The little girl who just wanted to keep her family safe. 

 Her voice was muffled. "I'm sorry for what I did to you."

 "You didn't do anything wrong. I looked her in the eye, "I forgive you, Clarke. You're still my family, you always will be." 

 Tears flooded her eyes, "I love you."

 "This isn't goodbye, Clarke." 

 She gave me a look, a desparate look that made every pore in my body tense. She was saying goodbye, she wanted to hear me say goodbye, in case it's the last thing she ever hears me say. I swallowed, squaring my shoulders and taking a deep breath. "I love you, too." 

 She turned to Bellamy, embracing him tightly as a single tear fell down her cheek. "May we meet again." 

 Neither of us could say anything as she walked away, getting smaller and smaller until she was nothing more than a speck on the horizon, disappearing into the cover of the trees. I tried to remember how to breath as I tightly clasped Bellamy's hand in my own, leaning my head on his chest and closing my eyes. 

 "It'll be okay." He whispered, and I nodded. 

 It'll be okay, I repeated the phrase in my head like a mantra, as if repeating it over and over again would make it any more true.