Sometimes I want to scream.

I want to scream and yell and throw my big ass heavy pillow into a wall because I am so in the closet and so fucking anxious about everything and I am such a condensed ball of rage it's not funny.

Ignorance is literally so fucking annoying.

I admit to ignorance, like I didn't even know what ze/zir pronouns were until my friend explained them to me(tbh I still can't quite grasp which stands for which for the most part). But like I don't really address people with pronouns if I can help it, because I don't know who they truly are like everyone calls me by she/her pronouns when sometimes I'd prefer he/him but no one knows that except jacob. I try to be considerate of the abundance of little differences among us but for christ sakes when people talk to hear the fucking beads in their head just rattle it seriously puts me on edge.

Today some girl at lunch started talking about transgender/transexuals and just didn't, actually scratch that, couldn't understand.

"I don't know what their problems are." She said.

Like I like sat there because I'm a temperate person and I was like "let's just wait to see if she fixes herself or if I'm taking it wrong or she just said it awkwardly" because y'know I'm understanding i sometimes use my words incorrectly, I sometimes say things that are like unintentionally offensive to some people because they like took my tone wrong or just like I used a word or I was in fact being ignorant. (she wasn't saying it like with a disgusted/rude tone so I thought maybe she just used the word problems to like question the reasons behind someone's identity and it was just terribly worded curiosity{?} idk I was trying to stay calm.) but like this fucking girl kept talking, very loudly and out of turn I must add, and I just like freaked the fuck out on her and after I had to leave the fucking cafeteria.

"I just think it's disgusting like you were born a girl so why do you like dress like a boy and go by-" and I cut her off so fast because at that point I was like offended for my friend from art (who wasn't even present) and I kinda raised my voice and used my angry face and like I'm actually sorta scary(all 5 feet 3 inches of violence and rage and fluff fucking exploding)

I remember the gist of what I told her. I said something like "how can you be so ignorantly inconsiderate of the pain people are like going through blah blah blah" and like that's all I clearly remember because my anger issues like kinda cause me to blank out to a certain extent if I'm angry enough because chemistry I don't know

So like that corner of the lunch room was quiet as I ranted. then I like lost that little courage/rage/hype and bolted to have a panic attack in the bathroom because I hate confrontation but like after I could like breathe right I went to class and took the detention for being half an hour late like a chill ass weed pimp.

that's my rant for today. I'll probably post two poems and then continue w my AkaBo angst by much love from luca xx