I'm on one of those online dating sites and waaaaaay too often do I get creepy people asking to do/if I like really pervy stuff without so much as a hi or a pathetic smiley face in the beginning. I love being creative and funny while politely [occasionally impolitely] declining, but often don't think of something good until a day later when I've missed my opportunity. What are some of your favorite responses to these types of situations?

"hey wanna fuck?"

"well, I'm so horny I'd fuck almost anyone right now!"

"cool, lets meet up"

"I said almost anyone, fuck off"

A girl once whispered in my ear at a party, "It's been so long since I've had sex." I pointed to my horny friend and said, "I'm sure he's willing to oblige."

Go on...

Really depends. On the question and the context.

Hey bae wanna play with my balls... Naw to old to play with marbles.

"Sure, let me know when you grow up

Sure let me get a wrench and we can play dodgeball.

The only way you will get me to do what you want is if you can pull off Bill Cosby's strategy of spiking my drink

Umm... is that consent?

sorry, i only fuck dragons.

Did you know that the dot above an i and j is called a tittle? Now where were we?

I was into BDSM till the last 2 guys/girls died on me.

"I'm hungry"

"I got something you can eat riiiight here ;)"

"No thanks, I wanted a meal, not a snack".

"Sorry, can't talk now, I've got to go wash my goldfish."

"I still can't believe you posted that on Reddit."

Granted, it only works with /u/pm-me-your-forearms and even then she guilt trips me by pointing out I'm a mix of a liar, psychopath and karmawhore-ty person on Reddit.

That's because I <3 you and I want you to be a better person.

Edit: But don't worry babe, we can be karmawhores together.

1 to the day we have chidlren. So we can log into their accounts and upvote ourselves.

"Mom, you used my account to upvote that you and dad had sex last night?"

" /u/AlaskaQueenOf/ , stop talking to your mother like that."

"Daaaad. That's not my name. I'm Alaska."

"No, I'm pretty sure it's /u/AlaskaQueenOf/"

... We're going to be terrible, terrible parents. :'(

NO, we're going to be the coolest parents ever. I mean, just imagine, reddit's going to be a huge part of our child's life. This is so exciting. She might meet her future husband here too. :-P

She might meet her future husband here too. :-P Hah. Now I'm worried she might say "Mom, dad, I met this guy. His name is PM-ME-FISTING but he's really nice." I can already guess what your response is going to be.

So much death stares and punching.

God, if that's the case, I hope she doesn't PM him anything. My baby girl, I don't want her to get hurt - not so much as him rejecting her or anything but more on the fact that fisting kind of hurts.

Ohhhh I cannot wait for the answers to come. I'll need them.

So sorry, I was born without orifices. They made me a mouth but I never bothered getting any other holes installed.

Doesn't matter, I'll make some.

evil grin

you should maybe hit puberty...that would really show them.

Sorry, not usually caddy...but HOLY FUCK!!!

Grow UP!!

caddy? What does golf or cars have to do with this?

I used to reject telemarketing calls with "I'm terribly sorry, but I don't speak English".

Might work

lol syke

I'm sorry but I told you we have to wait until the 3rd date. Hanging out at your house doesn't count. But you still got to hang out with me.

This is my technique

Wanna hear a joke about my vagina. Oh never mind, you'll never get it

When anal is requested: " Not tonight...I got hemorrhoids."