@Shadowhxntress requested more College!AU and so here it is, with a little less College!AU than I had planned. . . I am sorry. This just got out of hand honestly.

He liked the little sharp "thunk" the eraser made as it fell from his fingers to the wood top of his desk, over and over again.

"I was shocked at the score you gave me on the Confucianism essay--"

Thunk.

"--talk because Coach wants to take me off the softball team--"

Thunk.

"--and frankly, Professor, I don't believe you even read my essay because if you had--"

He snatched up the eraser, his fingers unnecessarily tense.

"--I would have seen the blatant spelling errors, uninteresting content, and stunning lack of original research? I mean, truly, Arianna, did you really think I'd give you a grade without reading your assignment?" His eyes could instill fear or wonder into the eyes of his students, and he didn't use the latter as often as he should have.

Her mouth hung open, and Magnus instantly knew the type. She was an West Coast transfer, hoping to spend more time on Fifth Avenue than on her Finance 101 homework. She paid her sorority dues in full, up front with a platinum credit card, her name printed on the card and her daddy's address on the bill. And she couldn't believe it when her standard five-paragraph essay with it's Wikipedia citations didn't cut it in college.

Most freshman professors gave their students one essay they expected to crash and burn but Magnus went with the more eye-opening approach, and didn't hesitate to fail his students on huge papers. He knew he had a reputation on campus, and it wasn't always glamorous. But no one ever attempted to screw him over.

"And now, really think about the kind of content you produced. Was it really worth anything more than a D? Knowing full and well that I wanted something more than a biography and a timeline of Confucius' life? Or did you miss those instructions when you were texting in class the day I gave them?"

Her shock turned to resentment in record time. However, just like her essay, she couldn't compose an argument.

"This is the first of many assignments, I assure you," Magnus said, leaning back in his chair. He hoped his tone was doing the exact opposite of assurance. "You will have a chance to bring up your average in my class, but don't expect it to be easy and don't expect me to accept that kind of essay ever again. I will not hesitate to fail you."

She gathered her composure into a Dusky Rose-colored frown and stood.

"Fine," she spat out. "I'll drop the class."

"I wish you the best of luck then," Magnus grinned. "We will truly miss the sound of your phone vibrating every twenty seconds."

Magnus wondered if she flipped her hair on purpose as she strutted out of his office, or if it was purely habit by now.

..........

"Hotel breakfast ends in thirty minutes." The mattress sank near his stomach, and a hand brushed over his curled hair. "And you smell, so maybe a shower is in order."

Alec opened an eye and tugged out the other earbud that kept the sounds of the night. It was an old college habit that Lydia hated ("You'll strangle yourself on those chords," she'd argue), but one he couldn't sleep without anymore. An old movie soundtrack faded away as he tossed the earbuds away and stretched.

One of the children shrieked and landed on top of him, scrambling under the covers, and covering their face with it.

"Rafael!" Lydia shouted as Alec pulled back on the covers to reveal Max's scared face.

"There's a cockroach in the bathtub!" Rafael responded from a distance. Lydia shot a glare at Alec.

"I hate the city," she mumbled as she rose to pull her oldest away from the bathroom.

"You can't run around screaming, Max," Alec said, laying a hand on the crown of his son's head.

"But there's a bug," he defended.

"And there are people around us sleeping, so we have to use our inside voices," Alec explained, pushing Max into a sitting position, and begrudgingly leaving the warmth of the bed.

Rafael smugly reentered the room, approaching his brother, and laying his index finger on his younger brother's pajamas. "I touched it," Rafael confessed. Max shrieked and stumbled to hide behind Alec again.

"Rafael," Alec growled. "Go wash your hands now. Max, get dressed." He looked back at Max, clinging to him with tears in his eyes. Rafael had already disappeared back into the bathroom.

"Come on, Max," Alec said, guiding the little boy to his suitcase and helping him pick out the day's outfit, as Lydia watched from the doorway of the bathroom. He liked the way she smiled, just ever so slightly when she saw him doing little domestic things like this. It almost made up for the lie they were living.

............

Getting around the campus during Homecoming week became increasingly difficult as the school got closer to the game. Magnus grumbled as he pushed past a sophomore from his Ancient Chinese Studies class, covered in blue body paint with a "U" in white across his bare chest. The student mumbled some apology and then sprinted to catch up with the rest of his blue army.

It wasn't that Magnus was against school spirit-- he was against the raucous behavior that accompanied it. He'd spent most of freshman and sophomore year partying and drinking. And then he ended up spending four days in the hospital on the brink of life and death because of alcohol poisoning. After he got out, he declared Eastern Asia Studies as his major and focused on the books rather than the booze. And that got him through grad school, a couple archaeological and anthropological studies, plus a summer interning at the Smithsonian, and an assistant professor position back at his alma mater. 

He didn't want to see that kid where he was by the end of his sophomore year. So he focused on the street ahead and kept walking.

.........

"And that," Alec said, sweeping Max up and putting him on his shoulders, "is where I lived."

Max stared up at the towering dormitory above them.

"Where did your parents sleep?" Max asked, twisted his fingers into Alec's hair.

"Your parents don't go with you to college, stupid," Rafael said. Lydia hit Rafael on the back of the head. 

"You will not speak to your brother that way," she said, pulling out her phone. "Now everyone smile nicely-- this one goes on Facebook."

........

Across the street, a young family was crowding in front of Magnus' old dorm, smiling for a picture. Magnus was sure he saw a ghost.

He stood on the sidewalk, watching the older boy try to climb a nearby tree, and the younger one play with his father's hair, as he sat atop dad's shoulders. A women was trying to call the boy out of the tree, and the man looked on with doting eyes. 

"Oh, Alec," Magnus mumbled. 

Today wasn't just Homecoming, Magnus remembered; it was also his 10 Year Class Anniversary.

.........

Lydia batted his hand away, as he attempted to adjust his tie for the dozenth time. 

"It looks fine," she assured him. "Why are you nervous?"

"It's just been ten years--" He cut himself off, not knowing what he was trying to say.

"I thought you didn't really like anyone from college."

"I didn't," Alec said, picking up a comb from the counter to fiddle with instead.

"Your hair looks fine too-- Look, Alec, we don't have to go."

But they did have to go. They'd bought the airline tickets, the hotel room, the overly-expensive dinner, the babysitter, and all to celebrate ten years away from the college Alec had never really felt at home at. 

"It's whatever you want to do," Lydia assured him. 

"No, we'll go," Alec mumbled. 

"Don't sound so excited," Lydia commented, just as the babysitter knocked on the door to their room.

..........

Magnus attempted to adjust his tie for the third time. He hated these boring black tie events. There was no way to express yourself in a black suit, not that he felt like really calling attention to himself tonight. That was new. 

He wouldn't have gone at all if he hadn't seen Alec outside their old dorm today. If seeing him hadn't sparked some sort of strange death wish in him. 

Tonight was probably only destined for disaster.

He straightened his tie one final time before spinning away from his mirror and heading for the door.

At least he'd look good when all of this blew up in his face.

...........

Luckily, Lydia could carry a conversation because Alec was a hopeless wreck. Plenty of couples and people Alec vaguely knew approached him throughout the evening and Alec would stutter through a greeting and an "I'm well" and a "I run an engineering firm-- what about you?" before Lydia would be forced to take over and ask engaging questions.

Every few minutes she'd squeeze his hand to remind him to relax his shoulders and wipe the panicked look off his face. 

"After all," she whispered, "this is supposed to be a party." 

She never once questioned his aversion to the crowd or berated him for his people skills. She simply covered for him. 

"Maybe we should go," Alec suggested, when the party was beginning to die down. He had dragged her away from a guy from his old calculus study group with a wandering stare to an empty spot near the wall

"Alec," Lydia sighed.

"I'm sorry, it's just--"

"You came here looking for something or someone and you didn't find it," she said. "I understand."

He tried to form a protest, and then he realized that it was true. The entire time, he'd been looking for Magnus. Which left him even more confused. He hadn't spoken to Magnus since he asked him to leave their dorm. Since he stood over Magnus' body, only alive because of a few plastic tubes, and apologized for ever asking him that. And even after spending three nights, folded up in a hospital chair, waiting for Magnus to wake up, hadn't really changed anything. Magnus was dangerous, and Alec was afraid even dying wouldn't change Magnus. So he left for good, and hadn't come back.

Only now he was. He was in the middle of a packed ballroom, knowing full and well that if Magnus Bane was going to be anywhere tonight, he'd be here. He'd never missed a party before.

............

Magnus had been watching Alec almost all night, trying to work up the courage to just say hello. What could go wrong with a "hello"?

But seeing him beside the girl that looked at him like he was the world and exuded confidence was killing him. He'd spent two years living with Alec, and he knew there was no way the smile he was wearing was real. 

Then the smile broke. Magnus had been talking to an old lab partner that he hadn't actually hated and was caught up in the conversation for the first time that night. When their conversation came to an end, Alec and his wife were near the edge of the room, and he looked like his tie was strangling him. Magnus couldn't see her face, but he was sure she was being loving and doting. 

When they started moving towards the exit, Magnus realized it was now or never.

He intercepted them in seconds, his mind calculating the million things that could go wrong with this "hello".

As Alec's face morphed into shock, Magnus stuttered out, "Hello."

...........

Magnus hadn't moved since Alec went to class three hours ago. He'd come home at five in the morning, fell onto his bed after tripping over enough stuff to wake Alec up.

This was the fourth day in a row, Alec had woken up to Magnus' entrance and come home to him sleeping. And it was the first time Alec had failed a history test, so he was slightly pissed off.

Alec snatched the pillow away from Magnus' head. When that did nothing but make him stir a little, Alec smacked his face with it.

"What the hell?" Magnus shouted.

"Wake up," Alec said.

"What's your problem?"

"I've been asking the same thing for months," Alec said. "You haven't gone to class at all this week, you come home at crazy hours and wake me up, and you reek."

Magnus stared back at him with bloodshot eyes.

"You're doing drugs," Alec realized. Magnus' hesitation to speak was enough to confirm it.

"Alec--"

"No," Alec said, shaking his head. "It was fine when you were gone on Friday and Saturday nights, but this is ridiculous. You can't stay here. Not anymore. You have to leave."

Magnus reached for him and Alec stepped away.

"Get out, Magnus. Pack your stuff and leave."

"You can't just kick me out--"

"I'll report you to the dean, the RA, anyone who-- I swear, Magnus--"

"This isn't fair--"

"You did this to yourself," Alec said. "Don't you see that?" He grabbed his backpack, hesitating for just a moment. He was ruining everything. He was kicking the only person he had ever loved out. He was putting Magnus on the street where it could only get worse for him. "I'm going out. I'll be back in two hours."

Magnus didn't say anything as he left. 

It was almost as if he had accepted his fate. 

...........

"Hey," Alec said, with a breath of relief.

...........

He'd fallen asleep in the Student Union in front of a massive window overlooking the campus. The buzz of his phone in his pocket woke him, and he begrudgingly answered. 

"Is this Alexander Lightwood?"  The campus outside was dark, and the Union was empty. It was late, Alec realized, and he suddenly felt trapped.

"Um, yes."

"This is New York General calling. At 10:43 tonight we admitted a Magnus Bane, and we were hoping you could come down to the hospital and help us answer some questions."

"Magnus is in the hospital?" Alec echoed. 

"Yes, sir."

"Is it bad?"

"He's in critical condition at the moment, Mr. Lightwood, and it would really help if you were here to sign off on some paperwork for us."

"I-- Yes, I'll be there."

He ended up screwing his budget over that night by taking a rather long taxi ride to the hospital. But it was the fastest way there, and felt as though he had no other choice.

The emergency room was crowded and filled with screams when he arrived. He supposed their peak hours were about to begin. The nurse at the front desk gave him a room number after checking his ID, and he dodged gurneys and needle-welding RN's to find his way to a room in the ICU.

A nurse and a doctor were inside. The doctor was typing something into a computer and the nurse was pulling AED pads off Magnus' chest.

"You must be Alexander," the nurse said, finally noticing Alec, frozen near the door.

"Is he okay?"

"We just had to restart his heart, hon. Come on in out of the doorway."  A combination of age and the stress of the ER had grayed the nurse's hair. She exuded experience and calm, and Alec just wanted to fall into her arms. The doctor barely glanced away from the computer screen.

Alec cautiously walked over to her side, giving the bed and Magnus a wide birth.

"He's got alcohol poisoning. No one called 911, because he's still a minor and they didn't want to get in trouble. A minute later and he would have been dead, so consider it a miracle that he's even here, hon."

"I kicked him out," Alec mumbled. "He went out because of me."

"And what time did you do that at?"

"Like four," Alec said.

"He couldn't have gotten that much alcohol in his system in six hours," she said. "Was he drinking last night?"

"Probably."

"Any other substance abuse we should know about?"

He didn't know. He didn't even know his own roommate.

"I-- I don't know."

"Do you suspect so?"

"Yeah," Alec said. "I just. . . can't believe it."

"If he survives tonight, he'll probably be okay," the nurse said. The doctor stabbed a button on the keyboard and walked out. "Young guys like him are strong."

"Is he going to be in any legal trouble?"

"The cops can't charge him since he's in need of medical help. However, the doctors may admit him to the psych ward for addiction if they see fit."

"Do it," Alec said.

"It's not my decision, hon, but I'll let the team know you feel that way."

And so began his first night in the plastic hospital chair.

When Magnus began to stir on the third day, Alec left, going back to their empty dorm room to cry.

.........

"How have you been?" Magnus asked.

"I've been good. What about you?" He almost wanted to cry. Magnus was here. Right in front of him.

"I'm actually teaching here now."

"Teaching what?"

"East Asian studies. I'm an assistant professor."

"Wow," Alec said. Magnus looked more complex.

"And who is this?" Magnus asked, looking at Lydia.

"This is Lydia, my wife," Alec said. Magnus looked so genuinely happy for him.

"Pleasure to meet you," Magnus said, shaking her hand. Alec had no idea how he was doing it. 

"You as well," Lydia smiled.

"Magnus was my roommate for awhile." Lydia looked up at Alec, and smiled nodding understandingly, as if she knew some little secret. Alec tried keep his emotions under control, to remain somewhat stoic, but excitement was racing through him.

"Well, it's lovely to meet you," Lydia said, "but we only have the babysitter until 11, so I'm going to head back to the hotel room."

Both Alec and Magnus stumbled into a stuttering contest.

"No, you stay out, Alec," Lydia said. "I'll see you later."

Words left Alec and he looked after his wife until she was out of sight.

Alec might have been forgetful and occasionally hopeless but he knew full and well they had the babysitter til midnight. 

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" Magnus asked.

"Absolutely."

.........

They were at the part of the conversation where they were retelling old stories-- only the ones that made them laugh. Alec had pulled off his suit coat and had it hooked on a finger and tossed over his shoulder. Magnus walked on the edge of the sidewalk, as he tended to do.

They had a perfect rhythm and balance-- naturally picking up the story where the other one faded away, and interjecting at just the right moments.

The way they met: outside the elevator as Alec was leaving to go to dinner as Magnus was beginning to move his stuff in last-minute, and had packed the elevator completely full with boxes and suitcases. 

Their annual Halloween movie marathon tradition that only got practiced twice.

The time their coffeemaker set on fire and the dorm had to be evacuated, even though Magnus had dumped a gallon of milk on it to put it out. 

The city air was crisp today-- Lydia would call it muggy, but the men knew this was as beautiful as New York got. 

"Where exactly are we going?" Alec asked, after they'd been walking around the campus for some time.

"Oh-- Right, my office," Magnus said, as they approached the old brick building. They were quiet as they entered the halls, as if they were going to get caught for doing something illegal. 

Magnus' office was white walls and dark wood furniture, most of the walls bookshelves filled with reference books and history novels. The most interesting feature was an old map from the 18th century, showing everything Europeans knew of Asia at the time. It was in a glass case, mounted on the wall, and Alec was immediately drawn to it.

Magnus leaned against the front of his desk, watching Alec examine it.

So far it hadn't hurt. So far, nothing had gone wrong. So far.

"I saw you earlier today," Magnus said. "Near the old dorm."

Alec nodded, looking back. He still looked ecstatic and giddy.

"Were those your kids?"

"Adopted," Alec explained. "Raphael and Max. 7 and 5."

"The oldest looked like a little troublemaker."

"He's--" Alec searched for the right word, "--independent. You'd love him."

Magnus smiled.

"And what about you?" Alec asked, leaving the map. 

"Kids?"

Alec nodded.

"None that I know of."

Alec smiled.

"Married?"

"To my work," Magnus said, looking down at the stack of essays he'd have to grade this weekend.

"Mm."

They fell silent.

"Explain it to me," Magnus said.

"What do you mean?"

"How you two met."

Alec looked down at his shoes. 

"Do you have something to drink?"

Magnus pulled his keys out of his pocket, a gold AA tag hanging from them, boasting ten years sober.

Alec simply nodded.

"I needed money out of college. I wanted to start an engineering firm, and my parents decided not to give me any sort of loan until I got a serious girlfriend and showed promise of marrying her. So I dated around a little bit. It was mostly awful. And then I ran into Lydia, who I grew up with upstate. She'd just lost her fiancee and never wanted to marry again. Only, her mother was worried she was depressed and that she'd never get grandkids, and it was stressing Lydia out. So she proposed, and I said yes and got the money a month after the ceremony."

"You married for money," Magnus stated.

"Don't say it like that," Alec said.

"Do you like her?"

"She's my best friend now."

"But she knows?"

There was hesitation in Alec's eyes, even though there had been a very late night at the end of freshman year where Alec came home from a messy date and came out to Magnus.

"She knows," Alec said, like it was a reluctant confession. "And the kids were never part of the plan. They just sort of happened."

Magnus sighed, and Alec went and sat on a couch, as far from Magnus as possible. 

"The doctors said you were there the entire time I was unconscious."

Alec nodded.

"But you weren't around when I woke up."

"I was afraid to stay. I didn't want to become attached to you. I didn't know if you'd try."

"I did try though. And you never reached out."

"Everytime I saw you on campus, it hurt," Alec said. "But you got better. On your own."

"Alone, Alec," Magnus said. "Alone."

Alec rubbed his face in his hands.

"I'm not mad at you," Magnus said. "I was at first and then I saw it from your point of view. And I wanted to apologize but I knew you wanted a clean break."

Alec nodded, and looked through his fingers up at Magnus.

"Why did we waste ten years of our lives?" Alec asked, as if it was the biggest damn shame the world had ever seen.

Magnus crossed the office, sitting right beside Alec. He put his hand on Alec's cheek-- it was everything he had wanted to do for all of those first two years. To kiss Alexander, and tell him he loved him. Now he wanted to kiss him, and tell him nothing had changed, even though everything had.

Their kiss was never slow; it was chaotic the second their lips met. Magnus pressed his advantage, and slid his hands down Alec's neck, so his finger graced the skin right under his starch-white collar. Alec's hands were on Magnus' chest, his fingers contemplating undoing the buttons. 

Their bodies seemed to be disconnected from their minds which were filling with a nostalgic regret, of all the things they should have done when they were younger. 

As Alec unbuttoned Magnus' shirt, Magnus pushed him onto his back, so Alec was underneath him now. 

"Cameras?" Alec mumbled, dodging Magnus' lips for just a moment.

"No. Something about building architecture--" Alec's hand went behind Magnus' neck, pulling him back down, and shutting him up. 

As heavy as his heart was beating, Alec's heart had never felt lighter-- more honest-- than it did in this moment.

Magnus' shirt was finally off, and Alec's hands were exploring every square inch. Magnus' hands moved to Alec's belt buckle and Alec shudder.

"Wait," Alec mumbled. Magnus sat back. Alec rubbed at his eyes. He hadn't thought about this. He hadn't thought this through.

The kids.

Lydia.

He couldn't have an affair, even if Lydia was okay with.

This story didn't end well. It didn't end well in college and it wasn't going to end well now. 

"I can't do this," Alec said, closing his eyes so he didn't have to face Magnus.

"I'm sorry--" 

"It's not you. It's everything I've done-- this doesn't end well. You have to see that, Magnus," Alec pleaded.

"I understand," Magnus said. He put his hands in his lap, as if to restrain himself. "But I'd rather try this and fail, than not do anything at all, and think I'd won some superior moral battle."

So they sat, with half of their expensive suits discarded on the floor of Magnus' office, avoiding eye contact. 

Magnus hated silence and the time it wasted though.

"I'm not trying to pressure--"

Alec spun back around, and kissed Magnus with everything he had. 

He had to make this work. He had to have something for himself for once. He did everything for Lydia and the kids, and he loved it that way but he needed more now. He needed Magnus. He needed kisses like these. He needed someone who would understand and love him back. He needed Magnus more than he needed air in this moment. 

And he hoped that feeling never died.

.......

Alec entered the hotel room as quietly as possible, slipping his shoes and coat off as he went. A lamp was on, and Lydia's book was open against her chest.

When he crawled under the blankets, she stirred, rising to greet him.

"Shh," Alec said, laying her back down with a gentle hand. "We can talk in the morning."

She closed her eyes again, and Alec reached across her, shutting the lamp off and grabbing his headphones. 

He plugged them into his iPod, and a Heller etude began playing, somehow mournful and hopeful at the same time.

........

"It's morning," Lydia said, shaking his arm. "Let's talk."

"Lyd, what time is it?" Alec mumbled, rolling over, away from her and the soft light seeping through the curtains. 

"7 am. The boys will be up in thirty minutes."

"Can't it wait?"

"I want this resolved before we leave the city."

Alec sighed into his pillow.

"Also, I got you coffee. Now get up."

Alec stumbled out of bed, and Lydia gestured for him to enter the bathroom.

It was an old joke, a reference to their "honeymoon" in Key West in the middle of January, when there wasn't much to do. They'd spent an entire night talking on the bathroom floor though when the A/C had gone out, since it was the coolest spot in the room and the air beyond their hotel room was suffocating. 

Lydia shut the door behind them and sat across from him, her back against the tub. She handed him a Styrofoam cup of hotel-room coffee. 

"I was expecting a little more," he mumbled, staring at the black coffee that even smelled cheap.

"How was last night?" she quickly followed up. 

"You don't have to beat around the bush," Alec said, though he hoped she would spare him some embarrassment.

"Do you like him?" She didn't even blink. 

"Yeah," Alec said, rubbing his forehead. "Yeah."

"You want to be with him?"

"I'm not going to leave the kids," Alec said. He'd just now realized he was still in most of his suit from last night. He set the coffee, which was weak and lukewarm, at best, on the lid of the toilet and looked directly at Lydia.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm not suggesting we end our arrangement either. But we both knew going into this that this relationship was open, not that either of us have acted on that. But I want you to be happy, and if this makes you happy, Alec, you should do it."

"I have no idea how I'd even do it," Alec said.

"I have an idea," Lydia said. Alec shook his head in disbelief. 

"We'll say you got a job in the city," she said. "A big one that requires you to be there during the work week. Rather than commute, you're going to stay with a friend from college, and I say I believe our marriage is strong enough that we can do this. You can come home on the weekends, holidays, and whenever the boys have something important."

Alec was silent, and slightly hungover.

"It'll work," Lydia swore.

"Why do you want this for me so badly?"

Lydia thought about it for a moment.

"You gave me the opportunity to be happy with those boys. And now I want to repay the favor. I want you to be happy and in love. Real love."

..............

Alec no longer slept with headphones in. Or maybe he just never bothered to bring them to the apartment. Either way, the habit from college was gone, Magnus noticed. 

He also began to notice a lot of other things, like the way Alec only slept curled in a ball, or his penchant for sweaters that were too big or too ratty to ever be worn in public. There was also the way he bit the end of his pencil whenever he was working or how he never made it through a movie without falling asleep at least once. Most nights he would begrudgingly carry himself and a blanket over his shoulders to bed, with Magnus trailing behind the slow procession, but other nights, they'd end up sleeping there. 

It was a wonderful life to be living. 

Alec would work at the construction sight he was advising on while Magnus taught, and then they'd both come home and lounge around all night. On the weekends, Alec would drive back upstate for the sake of the kids, and be back on Monday night with pictures of cheeky Rafael and shy little Max. Magnus, not usually a fan of kids, was developing a soft spot for Alec's little ones, simply because of the way Alec's face lit up when he talked about them.

Everything was perfect.

.............

It was early spring now, and Max was screaming in the kitchen and Rafael was sulking on the stairs near the front door, where Lydia was giving last-minutes instructions to Alec, who already had the initial instructions in his hand.

"We'll be okay," Alec assured her. Lydia's phone started going off, again. Her mother had fallen and broken a hip earlier that morning, and her siblings had drawn straws to see who would have to go take care of their mother. She sighed, and picked up her suitcase.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," she said. 

"Focus on your mom," Alec said. Lydia waved goodbye to Rafael, who gave her no response in return. He tended to be bitter whenever she left.

With both hands full, Lydia headed for the taxi waiting out front, her phone already to her ear. Alec watched her go, and then looked back at Rafael.

"What's going on, little man?" Alec asked, kneeling before him.

"I miss her," Rafael said. 

"She'll be home as soon as she can. But we have to take care of family first," Alec said.

"But I'm her son," Rafael said.

"And you're going to be stuck with me for awhile, and we're going to have fun, okay?" Alec scooped Rafael up, and threw the little boy over his shoulder. He started kicking and giggling protests.

"Maxwell!" Alec shouted as he entered the kitchen. Max was standing on a dining room chair, in the midst of a tantrum. Alec let Rafael slid to the ground, and he put his hands on Max's shoulders, instantly quieting him. "Tell me what's wrong."

"There's no cereal," he hiccuped. 

"Well, that's because we're having pancakes this morning," Alec said. "Maybe we can dye them blue." Max gave a little sniffle, and nodded. Rafael had already climbed onto the counter, sitting on the edge, and had put on a playlist from Alec's phone. Alec put Max on his hip and pulled the ingredients out of the cabinets and fridge, while Rafael skipped through the songs he didn't like and sang along to the ones he loved.

Alec loved moments like this: when he and the boys could be crazy and make messes. He wanted mornings like this to last forever, but now they were just limited to Saturdays and Sundays, since both of the boys had started school.

"We should build a treehouse," Alec decided as he flipped the last pancake onto a plate Rafael was moving back and forth as a game. When it landed on top of the stack, Max, high on powdered sugar, let out a wild yell and did another lap around the kitchen island. Alec plucked the plate out of Rafael's hands. "Not today of course, but we could plan it."

"Yes!" Raphael said. "With two rooms; one for me, and one for Max."

"I could do that," Alec said. "That old walnut tree is pretty sturdy."

"With a porch--"

"--and a TV--" Max added in.

"I don't know about that--" Alec started.

"--and a zipline!" Max said, tumbling onto the couch in the next room.

"Maxwell, stop running around like a crazy person!" Alec chided. He got no response though, and started towards the living room. 

Max was giggling, laying across the back of the couch. Alec sighed, "Let's go get dressed Maxy, and we can go play outside."

Ten minutes and quite a bit of frustration later, Alec had Max dressed and out playing on the playset. They had a rather large piece of land, most of it being forest, with the walnut tree in question being one of the only trees set apart from the forest. 

Alec watched Max from the back porch, scrolling through his work emails, which were going to pile up quickly with him away from the office. 

Then he heard a scream. And it wasn't the playful, giggling kind he had been hearing all morning. This was pure terror.

Alec had never run so fast in his life. Max was standing by the tree, and as he sprinted, he couldn't figure out why he would be screaming like that. It was just a tree--

But it was what was beneath the tree that was sending him into hysterics-- his brother laying against the bloody-ground.

..........

There was nothing on Lydia's list of instructions on what to do in case of emergency. He supposed she never thought it was possible. She'd trusted him to take care of the boys, and now Rafael was unconscious, somewhere in the ER being attended to by strangers. 

He hated hospitals. He hated the smell, the chairs, the chaotic calm atmosphere-- as if everyone was on edge, waiting for alarms to go off and flatlines to appear on monitors, but no one wanted to talk about it. He hated the waiting. He hated the way doctors and nurses looked through waiting loved ones, and never offered you a comforting smile. If they did, they'd be even more exhausted than they already were.

Because Max was with him, Alec had been forced to stay in the waiting room. And there was no one for him to call. He'd called Lydia over twenty times and she hadn't picked up. His family was too far away to call. And there was just so many unknowns. 

Max had been rebuilding the same Lego structure for the last hour, and either exhaustion or boredom was starting to appear on his face. It was probably combine with the sugar high of breakfast and the panic of the morning. It was nearly 8 pm, and all the doctors had said was that they were still assessing the damage.

And finally his phone rang. 

"Lydia, thank God--"

"Lydia? You have horrible Caller-ID." He could almost hear Magnus' smirk. 

"Magnus."

He'd forgotten. For an entire day, he'd forgotten Magnus.

"Is everything okay?"

"No, it's not," Alec said. 

"What's wrong?"

"Rafe, he fell from the tree-- Lydia got on him so much about climbing trees, I don't know what he was thinking--"

"Is he okay?"

"I don't know."

"Where's Lydia?"

"DC. Her mom fell and now Lydia's not answering her phone. I have no idea what I'm doing--"

"I'll be there in an hour--"

"You don't--"

"You don't know when Lydia will get back. Let me help you, Alexander." 

Alec fell back in his seat. Max came over, climbing into the seat next to Alec.

"Is that Mom?" he asked.

"No, it's not," Alec said, offering him a feeble smile.

"I'm tired," Max said.

"An hour," Magnus said. "What hospital are you at?"

..........

When Magnus finally arrived, Alec was nodding off in the waiting room of the ER, his long legs stretched out across the aisle of seats, and a little boy was curled against his chest.

"Hey," Magnus whispered, trying not to wake Max, who he knew only through pictures. Alec's eyes fluttered open. "Has anything changed?"

"I haven't heard anything," Alec said softly. He looked down at Max. "He has school tomorrow." Then he looked up at Magnus. "You have school tomorrow."

"I can take him back to your house," Magnus offered, ignoring Alec's last statement. 

"There's a guest bedroom you can sleep in," Alec said. "Thank you so much for doing this."

"Of course," Magnus said. Alec rubbed Max's back, gently waking him.

"Hey, my sweet boy, this is Magnus," Alec said. Max glanced back at Magnus, and then dropped his head back down for more sleep. "He's going to take you home and make sure you get to school tomorrow." Max nuzzled his head against Alec's chest.

Alec rose, handing Max off, and giving Magnus the keys and directions to the house.

"Keep me updated," Magnus ordered. Alec pressed one kiss to Max's forehead and another on Magnus' cheek.

"I love you," Alec whispered.

"And I you."

..........

With Max asleep, Magnus explored the house, silently, as if he could get caught. The house itself was gorgeous and spacious, with minimal decorations. There was an office for both Lydia and Alec, and the basement was an area of wonder where the boys could destroy and play as they pleased. 

And he wondered how long it could all go on.

How long Alec could pretend to have jobs in the city, and how long before he decided he needed to be with the boys more than Magnus?

He found the guest bedroom, but the bed was stripped of pillows and sheets. The couch would be fine, he decided, but then he got curious, wandering into the master bedroom.

That's when Magnus' phone rang, blasting out a generic jazz tune.

"How is he?" Magnus answered.

"You're direct," Alec whispered. "He's still asleep, but they let me back to sit with him through the night. They said there's some swelling but he's young, so apparently they're hopeful."

"You should try to get some sleep," Magnus suggested, running his fingers along the edge of the comforter.

"I'm going to try calling her siblings. Maybe they have another number. Her phone could have died."

"That won't take all night," Magnus pointed out. Alec sighed.

"Is Max asleep?"

"Yes."

"Did you find the guest room?"

"Somehow, yes. It's all bigger than I expected," Magnus said.

"It was the only house in the area that had everything we wanted. Where are you now?"

"The master bedroom," Magnus admitted. "There aren't any sheets in the guest bedroom and I got a little too curious--"

"The linen closet in the hall," Alec said, cutting him off. Magnus knew he had overstepped, crossing into a topic they didn't talk about. "Lydia and Alec" was taboo when they were together.

"I should let you go," Magnus said softly. The side closest to the door was Alec's he decided. The side table was sparse-- just a picture of the family, looking silly. "I love you."

"I-- I love you too-- there's another call coming in, Magnus, it's probably her."

"Of course"

"Goodnight."

.........

Alec switched calls.

"Alec?" He breathed a sigh of relief.

"You have to come back," Alec said. "It's Rafe; he fell and hit his head--"

She didn't scream or hesitate, like Alec expected.

"Put me on the phone with a doctor."

"I don't think--"

"Alec, you put me on the phone with a doctor, or so help me--"

Alec jumped to his feet, hunting down a nurse who first lectured him on cell phone use in hospitals, then told Lydia she would call her back on the hospital line.

Alec stood by as the nurse informed Lydia of what had happened, better than Alec could have himself. When she handed the phone off to Alec, he wasn't sure what to expect from Lydia.

He wanted a lecture, because at least then she'd confirm the guilt that was eating him alive. It was so much easier to hate oneself when others hated you first.

But she didn't.

"I'm coming back," Lydia said. "I can be there in just a few hours."

"You're mad at me," Alec guessed by her flat tone.

"Alec, this would have happened eventually. Rafe doesn't like having his feet on the ground. And he's a little boy. They're supposed to get hurt. I just wish I had been there to help you. And I wish I could also be there for my mother, but you have work tomorrow--"

"Family first, Lyd. I'll be here as long as he needs me."

"Good." He could almost hear her smile, that smile reserved for when he played with the boys or did the dishes so she didn't have to, that smile that made him feel like he was making a good decision.

"Drive safe," Alec said.

"Take care of my boys."

........

Something poked at his side, and his impulse was to push Alec's elbow away. But he knew Alec wasn't really there. He managed to open one eye and see a close-up of Max's face.

"What's your name?"

"Magnus," he mumbled.

"Does my dad know you?"

"Uh, yeah, bud," Magnus said, trying to sit up.

"Mr. Magnus?"

"Yeah, Max?"

"I spilt a little bit of milk in the kitchen."

A little turned out to be a gallon, and the milk was topped with flour, which had created more of a dough consistency.

"What were you trying to do here, Max?" Magnus asked, as he mopped up the flour soup.

"I wanted some cereal so I poured the milk--" That was true, he had. There was a bowl full of milk still on the counter, "--and when I went for cereal, we were out, and I think I accidentally knocked the flour over." 

The house phone started ringing and Max jumped up from his seat at the counter, shouting, "I got it!", while treading through the mess.

"Hello?-- Hi, Daddy-- No, I already missed the bus-- No I spilled a little bit--" Max handed the phone off to Magnus. "He wants to talk to you."

"Hi," Magnus said, staring down Max.

"I suppose it's best he didn't go to school," Alec said in lieu of a greeting.

"How is he?"

"He woke up for a little while early this morning but he wasn't awake long."

"That's a good sign though."

"Yeah, the doctors said that too."

"What time did Lydia get there?"

"She hasn't," Alec said. "I've called her every thirty minutes. I called her sister and she said Lydia left hours ago. She should have been here by now."

"I'm sure she'll get there. Maybe she pulled over to nap or grab something to eat."

"I'm still worried," Alec mumbled.

"And you're allowed to be," Magnus said. 

"Why don't you bring Max up around lunch time?" Alec said.

"You want to make sure he's still alive," Magnus smirked.

"I-- I just want to make sure he's okay."

"I understand," Magnus said. He glanced back at the mess that Max was stomping his feet in. "Where's your mop?"

.........

Rafael had been moved up to the children's ward to make space in the ICU. Alec saw that as a promising sign of improvement. Lydia's absence was beginning to concern him though. What could he do though?

Being so helpless was beginning to drive him mad. 

Nothing had changed when Magnus arrived a little after noon with Max. 

Max went straight for Alec's arms, and Alec gladly swung him up into a hug. At least one person in his life was still accounted for. Two really. Magnus was leaning against the far wall watching them with admiration. 

"Is Rafe going to be okay?" Max asked.

"Of course," Alec said, tightening his arms a little bit. "We're all going to be alright. Did you have fun with Mr. Magnus last night?"

"He makes good french toast," Max said. He wiggled free from Alec's arms and climbed onto Rafael's bed, watching him sleep.

"I'll be right back, Maxy," Alec said. "Look after Rafe for a moment." Max nodded but didn't look back. 

Alec and Magnus stepped into the hall which was crawling with nurses and sick kids trailed by exhausted parents.

"Are you okay?" Magnus asked. Alec had gone pale in a second.

"I'm exhausted."

"Go home," Magnus said.

"Rafael could wake up at any minute--"

"You need to sleep. You're going to go insane."

"I'll survive on coffee for a little longer," Alec quipped with a smile and laugh.

"This isn't a joke," Magnus said. He put a hand on Alec's arm and they both hesitated with it there. 

"I'll go home tonight," Alec decided.

"I can stay," Magnus consoled.

"I can't keep you here any longer--"

"You're going to drive me insane-- Alec, let me help," Magnus said. "You're not inconveniencing me. You're not a burden. The kids are not a burden. I want to help."

"Okay," Alec finally conceded.

A nurse approached them, and Alec recognized her from the ER late last night.

"I just need to finish up some of Rafael's admittance paperwork," she said with a smile. They followed her back inside where Max was bouncing up and down on the bed with a massive grin on his face. Rafael's eyes were barely open but he seemed to be trying to match his brother's smile.

"Hey," Alec said, going straight for Rafael. "Look who decided to wake up."

"Mom's gonna be so mad at me," Rafael mumbled.

"No," Alec said, placing his hand over Rafael's. "She's just going to be happy you're okay."

"Can I have some water?" Rafael asked.

A walkie-talkie on the nurse suddenly began to scratch out a request-- "Two teams to the helipad to meet incoming critical-care victims from car accident on northbound highway--" The nurse reached to turn the volume down.

"Wait," Alec said.

"--first victim is a black male, 40s, with extensive blood loss and burns, and the second is a white female, early 30s, with organ damage and in need of ATLS--"

"Lydia," Alec mumbled.

"Alec, you don't know that," Magnus said, softly. Both of the kids were staring at them. They weren't dumb and they weren't deaf. 

"I have to go see," Alec said, jumping up. The nurse shouted after him and Magnus rose to follow, but he was already gone.

........

He'd never run so fast in his life, but at the same time, it seemed like he couldn't arrive fast enough. 

But he could feel it.

It was Lydia on that helicopter. And Lydia was gone.

He got to the doors leading out to the helipad and was stopped by two nurses, much stronger than he was. And he waited as the helicopter landed and the patients were unloaded. A nurse pulled him to the side as the man passed. 

And then the second team approached, with dangerous alarms sounding.

And he was right.

He felt as though he were in an elevator and the cables had just snapped, sending him flying into freefall. 

His heart seemed to be exploding, his mind ran with a thousand possibilities of everything he had to do now on his own. His feet gave out beneath him, and the nurse gently let him fall.

It was over.

All of it was over.

In pieces.

Ruins.

........

Alec fell asleep in a waiting room that he had been directed to. A doctor, still in scrubs speckled with blood, woke him up. It was dark outside, and the doctor sat beside him, and told him what he already knew.

..........

The boys had very fairly divided Raphael's bed, and were asleep, after enjoying a feast from the cafeteria. Magnus wanted to take a picture of the scene, because it was just the sort of image Alec would have showed him after a weekend away.

Magnus had tried calling Alec throughout the afternoon but he never answered his phone. 

It was nearly nine, and Magnus was dozing off when he saw Alec pacing outside.

"How long have you been out here?" Magnus asked, slipping out into the hallway. He shut the door behind him, leaving the boys to sleep.

Down the hall, a nurse had her hand on the back of a crying mother.

Alec didn't stop moving.

"Alexander," Magnus murmured. He knew the pacing. He used to do it the night before finals, usually with a textbook in hand and a highlighter between his teeth. He saw it in his own apartment one of the first weekends Alec stayed over, as he debated the morality of their affair.

Magnus caught him by the arm, pulling him into the family restroom across the hall. Magnus locked the door and held Alec still.

Alec's eyes were shut tight, trying to keep his tears internalized.

"I-- I'm sorry," Magnus said, dropping his hands. He fell back against the wall, leaving Alec crying in the middle of the room, a pillar of grief.

This ruined everything. Magnus tried to think of the kids, who were now motherless, but what about Alec? What about Alec and Magnus? 

How did things like this even happen? How could Lydia be gone? And so suddenly?

"I am so sorry," Magnus whispered. He looked back up at Alec, and found his own vision blurry with tears.

"I don't know what to do," Alec shrugged helplessly. "I called-- I called her sister, but what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Magnus said. 

"I can't raise the boys, Magnus, I can't do this. I just don't understand how this could happen now. Why?"

"I don't know--"

"Then why the hell are you here?" Alec shouted. "Why are you here, Magnus? There's nothing left! I can't do this anymore! We're done, finished, through--"

Magnus was silent. Alec let out another whimper and turned away from him.

"I'm sorry," Alec finally said.

There was nothing more Magnus could say.

.............

Alec sat on the edge of the hospital bed, watching the boys sleep. Rafael had a hand on Max's arm-- even though he was the patient, he was still ready to protect his brother. Alec gently stirred them both.

"Hey, boys," Alec said.

"Are we leaving?" Rafael mumbled.

"The doctor said tomorrow morning, if you're feeling okay," Alec said.

"I feel fine," he yawned. Max sat up and crawled in Alec's lap.

Alec glanced down at Max's sleepy eyes. How was he supposed to tell them?"

"So Mommy's not going to be coming home," Alec said, stroking the back of Max's hair. 

"Is she mad at me?" Rafael asked, suddenly sitting up. He winced but he didn't hesitate.

"No, of course not," Alec said. "This isn't your fault, Rafe."

"Then why isn't she coming home?"

"She-- she was in a car accident," Alec said. 

"What does that mean?" Max asked. 

"It means she's dead," Rafael said. His eyes were suddenly empty. It was then that Alec remembered Rafael still remembered his birth parents. He remembered that Rafael had seen them die, and he knew what death was. 

"Rafe--"

"No," Rafael snapped. "Go away. I want to be alone."

"It's okay--"

"No! None of it is okay!" The heart rate monitor attached to his tiny chest began blaring. "It's not okay, Dad!"

A nurse came rushing in, and Alec scooped Max up and slid out of the way as the nurse did her best to console him. 

Alec could feel Max's tears seeping through his shirt, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from Rafael, kicking and screaming as if he could tear the grief out of himself. Magnus came in, taking Max out of his arms so he could intervene but he was frozen.

How nice it must be to be a kid, Alec thought.

............

They were all still in black suits. Max was asleep across Alec's chest, and Rafael was quietly eating a bowl of Lucky Charms while watching some Disney movie on TV. Alec was scrolling through his work emails, Magnus assumed, because that was what he tended to do when he was anxious.

Magnus had his bag slung over his shoulder, prepared to leave quietly without goodbyes. Alec had his back to the front door and Rafael was enraptured in the movie.

"He's leaving," Rafael deadpanned, however. Magnus glared at the boy, who hadn't even turned his attention away from the movie.

Alec looked up, dropping his phone.

"We should talk," Alec said. It had been a week since Rafael had been discharged. A week of mostly silence as Magnus tried to help as much as he could. A week of meeting Alec's family in the most awkward way possible, as he claimed to be an "old friend" they had never even heard of. It had been the second worst week of Magnus' life and now Alec wanted to talk.

"Okay," Magnus said, setting his bag down. Alec gently readjusted Max so he was lying on the couch, curled around a pillow. Magnus followed Alec back into the guest room, and shut the door behind him. He leaned back against it, and let Alec speak. It was his turn.

"I need you," Alec said. 

Magnus leaned forward, placing his hand on Alec's cheek, and kissing him like he needed to be kissed. Reminding him that he wasn't alone. There was a moment's hesitation and pause between the first kiss and second, but it was fleeting.

"I love you," Magnus mumbled. Alec pressed him back against the door, and Magnus could feel just a flicker of a smile on Alec's lips. 

Magnus slipped away from Alec's grasp.

"But we can't do this," Magnus said, out of breath. "We can't do this hidden affair thing. I have a life in the city. You have the boys. And neither one of us needs anything complicated."

Alec let his forehead fall against the door.

"Move to New York," Magnus proposed. "You have your job there, I have mine. There's a great science and engineering K-12 private school right down the block, and my apartment has plenty of room for them to blow up baking soda volcanoes."

Alec was silent.

"I don't expect you to give me an answer today or even tomorrow. But, uh, the offer stands," Magnus said. He walked towards Alec again. "I have to get back."

............

6 months later. . .

"You can't bribe me with ice cream," Rafael said, taking a dramatic lick of his three scoop strawberry ice cream cone, topped with rainbow sprinkles.

"Actually, I just did," Magnus said. He had two scoops of orange sherbet in a waffle cone.  

"I'm still mad at you."

"But you're less mad now that you have ice cream," Magnus pointed out. Rafael glared up at him, but he quickly snapped his attention back to the ice cream.

"I'm eight now; I'm not stupid. I know what you're trying to do."

"So tell me," Magnus said.

"You're trying to make me talk to you. You think I'm mad at you."

"Aren't you?" Magnus asked. 

"I'm not mad at you." He sighed heavily and dramatically-- the sigh of an overworked 30-something business executive. "I'm mad because you're replacing her."

"I'm not trying to replace her," Magnus said. 

"I know. That's why I'm angry," Rafael admitted. He stopped on the street corner, even though they crosswalk signal was showing the white walking man. "You're not trying to do it but it's happening anyways."

"Is there anything I can do to make you less angry with all this?"

"Can we go back home sometime? Like Albany?"

Magnus checked his watch. It was still early morning. 

"We can go right now, just you and me, if you'd like," Magnus offered. "Or we can go back to the apartment and get your dad and Max."

"No," Rafael said, after thinking on it. "Just you and me."

Three hours and a text to Alec later, they were in Albany, standing over the grave of Lydia Lightwood, beloved mother and friend.

Rafael had a pile of daffodils in his arms, hand-picked.

"What are you supposed to say?" Rafael asked. 

"The truth," Magnus said, putting a hand on Rafael's back. "I'll be in the car, kiddo."

Magnus watched from his car as Rafael sat on the new grass and talked to his mother. His phone started ringing and he answered.

"Is he okay?" Alec asked.

"He's good," Magnus said, watching as Rafael twisted one of the flowers in his hand. "He probably needed this."

"I guess it's best we didn't go. He likes to be alone."

The line went silent. 

"Alec?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine." 

He wasn't really, and Magnus knew that. But considering everything the family had been through, they were all doing incredibly well.

"I love you," Magnus said, closing his eyes. 

"I love you too-- Max! Can I call you back? I think he just destroyed the kitchen--" Alec hung up before Magnus could respond though. The car door opened and slammed shut suddenly beside him. 

Rafael looked over at Magnus, one of the daffodils still in his hands, and nodded. 

"Let's go home."