Everyone seems to be fast asleep when I rustle out of my tent. I wash away the weariness of last night and stumble towards the small stove, under the main canopy, to make myself tea.

If not for a strange dream, I would have been sleeping too. I was suspended in the velvet-blue waters of the lake, undisturbed, when a tree fell. Its trunk came crashing in, and the placid water sprayed into the sky. The reeds entangled its tall body, the algae were pushed away. Bubbles rose violently around it as it sunk deeper and deeper.

My wide frantic eyes looked for an escape route. I was still swimming away from the whirling, rippling water when the panic jolted me awake.

"Well, at least you're up." Nadira's voice catches me off guard. I turn towards her, still squatting next to the kettle on the stove.

"What time is it?" I ask, and my eyes sweep the scene around me. The whole world is bathed in blue.

"Four-thirty. The sun should rise soon." She grabs a small bag and straps it onto her shoulders. "Take some in your flask, and hurry."

"Oh." My eyebrows pull together in confusion. "Are we heading up?"

"Of course," She replies with a wide smile. "Come on, you'll get your money's worth."

If I choose to sit here, I'll keep thinking about Yohani's words from last night. So, without asking any further questions, I pack my bag to leave with Nadira.

Dew drops cover the wild grass, the rocks, and the barks of trees. Shining like pearls, they wet the edges of my sneakers as we head uphill. We climb over boulders and stick to a narrow stony path.

"Put something on," Nadira advises as she unties the jacket around her waist. "There will be a breeze up there." I happily oblige.

Birds squawk, preen, and fly from one branch to another. Their colours are in stark contrast to the monotonous shades of the forest. Hidden corners tingle and buzz with early risers. Twilight draws out some of the best singers, and shrill notes electrify the air as we get closer to the summit.

I can see past the bending, twisting branches of these short trees. The summit is a flat area of land with thorny shrubs. Feeling dry earth under my heel feels refreshing, and I purposefully kick up some dust. The wound on my side aches for a moment, but I barely feel it.

Nadira laughs. "The light is too strong up here to allow any undergrowth. Feels nice, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it's funny how fascinating this is." I smile sheepishly.

Even closer now. The breeze brings relief from the growing humidity. I take a deep breath in, thinking 'it smells like open air and nectar. I can't even remember the heavy scent of the lake.'

We reach an opening, and there is a small board welcoming us to the summit. The bright yellow sign, my heavy breathing, it all adds to a sense of achievement. I pull a disposable camera out of my bag—maybe for the first time—to take a picture.

The camera flashes, and Nadira says, "Now that you've gotten a picture, you probably don't want to miss that."

"What?" I breathe. Following her eyeline, I turn to face the other side.

My breath catches in my throat, and my composure unravels. She steps out into the empty strip of land and my feet follow.

The sky isn't blue anymore.

You could say it's violet, further away from the peaks of the surrounding hills, but the horizon is burning red. Like orange flames dancing on a dehydrated log of wood, the sun is a pulsating, shifting body, glowing brighter and brighter. Green dense vegetation covers the impassable hills, and the air is saturated with the call of birds celebrating the break of dawn.

"Isn't it beautiful?" she asks.

But I can't speak. I could whisper if I tried, but uttering a single word could betray me. All my emotions sit like a rock in my throat—I'm desperately trying to swallow it. My heart feels overgrown with vines, the way it's squeezing in my chest. My breath is shaky and my feet are tired, perhaps from the climb, perhaps from the climb, perhaps from the climb...

And the tears fall.

I don't try to hold them back. The streaks of orange melt onto the tops of the hills as if their evergreen heads are being anointed. I cover my mouth with a trembling hand. Holy. It feels holy. And I don't feel worthy of bearing witness.

Nadira moves closer to me and places her hand on my back. "Yeah, I cried the first time I saw it too. I've been up here a thousand times, and I still can't get used to it."

I laugh hysterically, through my tears. "I don't think it's possible to get used to it."

Nadira smiles at me. I'm not embarrassed to look right back at her, with my tear-stained cheeks and my red nose. She says, "Whatever it is you're looking for Mia, I hope you found it."

My heart clenches further, almost bursting at the seams. I look out towards the hills, biting my lip. "I was looking...well, I'm not sure what I'm looking for..." I sniff, reaching for my pack of tissues. "Sorry."

"You don't have to apologise. It's okay to be young and clueless about what you really want," Nadira replies.

"But that's not true. I'm not clueless," I whisper. A stray tear runs down to my lips. "I knew what I wanted at the lake, you know? I just didn't want to trouble the group by talking about it. It didn't even make sense."

"What did you want?"

I exhale shakily; an empty laugh escapes. "I wanted—I wanted you to pull my limp body out, lay me flat on the mud and the dirt, pump my chest over and over again until I started coughing the water out of my lungs."

My vision blurs. A heavy anchor is lodged in my throat, and my wobbling voice rises to compensate for the shame of it all.

"I wanted it to be worse. Worse enough to feel like I was being reborn. And that's all I wanted—that I would be in pain, and there would be witnesses. And I could scream, 'I was drowning. I was hurt. It was real. Ask anybody!'"

I press my lips together when they begin to tremble.

Nadira responds in a gentle voice, the kind a mother uses to calm her five-year old, "It was real, and it was painful."

I nod slowly. I know, at least intellectually.

"You know, I understand what you're looking for." Nadira shifts closer. "But your turning point won't be in the depths of a disaster, and you can't hope for one without realising that you wouldn't leave it unscathed. It's pointless to hold your breath and wait by the phone, praying a better life will call. You have to choose it when it's unbearable."

I blink at her, wordlessly. The ground below our feet is golden, and my jacket flaps in the breeze.

"And you're right." She shrugs. "You're not clueless."

✦.✦.✦

The rest of the group gets ready to hike to the summit a few hours after we return. They don brilliant smiles—the kind you witness at the finishing line of a marathon.

Nadira keeps reminding everyone that the trek downhill is tougher. "Climbing up a rope ladder is easier than climbing down one, especially with five kilos on your back."

Despite this, the crowd remains unphased. In their mind, the long journey had come to a close. The pools of water had dried, the sky had cleared, and a new day had only begun.

I stay behind. So does an older couple, who decide that, given the lovely weather, they'd rather sleep-in.

When the campsite empties, I sift through my belongings and pull out the route's map. It's not recommended to venture out alone, but the ghost of a disgruntled teenager inside me is screaming, "hey, it's now or never."

The dense canopy prevents the sun from touching the floor, but every few seconds, there is an opening and a shaft of sunlight pours in. I study the veins of the forest paths under them and make my way to the nearest rest stop.

It takes a couple of minutes before a bright yellow pillar appears. A check post, telling me that I've arrived. Sighing with relief, I step into the dingy shelter behind it.

I know that I need to be quick, so there is no time to hesitate. The telephone is fixed to a wall, reclaimed by creepers, and I dash towards it. I swipe the card in its slot. The line springs to life.

Clutching the receiver close to my ear, I punch the numbers on the keypad. For the first time, I don't feel ashamed for having it memorised. The ringing begins, the soft trilling sound falling in sync with my rapid heartbeats.

"Hello, you've reached Wise and Wise Counselling. This is Erin speaking. How may I assist you today?" the receptionist answers.

And I realise I've been holding my breath. 

✦.✦.✦.✦.✦.✦.✦.✦.✦