CHAPTER NINETEEN... 

The sun beats down on me as I slip my tired feet into the lake, letting the cool water envelope my toes.

I sit on the edge of the pond, watching the fish swim about in the crystalline water. They are unfazed by my presence, and continue about their home as if they don't have a care in the world. I scoff. Of course they don't, they're fish. I rub my forearms, hoping to dull the cold that creeps along my skin.

A breeze pushes up against my backside, and my hair flies in all directions as I look out across the estate. I turn my head slightly, back up to the sprawling mansion that will soon house students, children like me with abilities they might not be able to control. In front of the castle that will now be my home, I see Moira in a beautiful purple dress pulling a now wheelchair bound Charles. They stop in front of the house and Moira leans down to him.

A wave of sorrow overtakes my senses, and I turn back around.

It's been three days since Erik left us on the beach in Cuba. Three days since I pushed him away and told him I couldn't go with him, not after what he had become. It's been three days since I started to break.

It was small at first, a twinge in my heart and an ache in my fingertips. It was a crest of agony, soft as a feather, that weighed me down like nothing had before. Then, it grew steadily worse. The first night after we came back to the manor, I awoke in the middle of evening screaming, clutching my throat after Shaw's hands had gripped it in the nightmare. Shadows had sprouted from my hands and my back and my eyes.

Sean and Alex and Hank had come running into the room, powers at the ready. When they asked me what was wrong, I couldn't speak. My throat was covered in suffocating darkness, as hot as burning steel. They had left after an hour of trying to console me. The moment they did, I broke down into tears. Hot and wet against my cheeks, I cried and cried until I finally dozed off once more.

The next day Charles came to me, his numb legs now bound to a metal chair. We talked out in the garden, and I told him about the dreams. He said he was getting them too, voices in his head that he couldn't stop. Uncontrollable grief that washed over everything. We talked, and later, during dinner, Charles proposed the idea.

A school, he had said, I would like to make this place a school for gifted students like yourself. Alex and Sean were apprehensive at first, but eventually came around to the idea, and Hank, while still upset by the loss of Raven, encouraged it. He wanted to become a Professor, teaching other students, other mutants, like him.

I agreed to it as well, but I told him I would not be a student or a Professor.

I thought having a school would be a nice idea, but only because it would be a worthy distraction. I push a strand of hair behind my ear and wrap my arms around my middle. I close my eyes for a second, trying to get the memories of the beach out of my head.

They have been plaguing me ever since that day. I remember Shaw's hand gripping my neck as he spewed his false care into my face. I remember the look on Erik's face when I told him I could never follow in his stead. I remember the feeling of unleashing my power, of becoming Phantom, on the world, stopping the missiles from killing the men in the boats.

The CIA were still trying to find us, they were still covering up the disaster of that day, claiming nothing out of the ordinary had happened, despite thousands of soldiers seeing a young girl become living shadows in front of their eyes.

Since that day, everything has changed. For better or for worse, I still can't tell. All I know is that it hurts. It hurts so much.

I feel like I have lost a part of myself, a chunk of humanity gone from my chest as the world crashes down around me. I want to jump for joy that I am finally free. I want to cry into a pillow at what I have lost.

The Earth is careening in an orbit that knocks me off my feet, spinning my insides around until I become just another speck of dust in a big, wide universe.

Someone clears their throat behind me.

I turn to find Charles sitting up on the ridge, watching me carefully. When he sees the tears speckling my flesh and an utterly broken look on my face, his face falls. I get up from my spot carefully and walk towards him, leaning down to give him a hug. When I get back up, Charles sighs loudly, and his eyes soften.

I wipe a hand over my cheeks and smile sadly.

"Where's Moira?" I ask.

Charles fiddles with his hands. "She's gone. She left." The way he says it brings guilt crawling through me. So he did it. He wiped her memories, just as he'd told me he would last night. I can see the shame and anger gnawing away at him.

"I'm sorry, Charles." I say. "I know you... I know you loved her." Charles' head snaps up. I can see a protest playing on his lips, but I cock my head to the side, and after a moment, Charles lets out a defeated breath. He can't argue, because he knows I'm right.

For once, I wish I wasn't.

I place a hand on his shoulder, and he brings his hand up to rest on my own. The way he sits, the way he watches the water as if he's staring at nothing at all, it breaks me even further. It is then that I know I can't leave him. Not now. Not like this.

We are all grieving, we are all trying to grapple with what happened in Cuba, with Erik's betrayal, with our loss. Despite how much I want to fight it, I know we need to stick together. Together for as long as it takes to mend our weary souls.

Charles looks up at me. "Can I ask you a question?"

I stiffen, but reply. "All right."

"Why did you stay?" he asks. "Why did you stay here and not go with Erik?"

I don't say anything. My voice has stopped working, and memories flood my mind like a tsunami wave. I wrap my arms around myself, scars burning at the thought of everything that happened. No, I think, I can't be like this. I have to be strong. I have to show him I'm not broken. But it's too late, Charles' eyes widen at my reaction, and he hurriedly fumbles over his words.

"Leena, I didn't mean—"

"It's fine." I quickly say. "I'm fine." Charles purses his lips, but says nothing else. I take a deep breath, trying to think of an answer. Why did I stay with Charles? Why did I push Erik away even when I knew he only wanted what was best for me?

Even as I think, I already know the answer.

Because he was becoming Shaw. I could see it in the way his eyes blazed with fury and how he agreed with Shaw's sentiments before burying the coin through his head. Erik said Shaw was his creator, and I couldn't go with a man like that.

I had been at the mercy of men like Sebastian Shaw for too long, and I couldn't stand beside another just because he actually cared for me.

I couldn't. If I did, I would lose control, lose my sanity, all over again. I'd been shackled to men like him for years, broken, beaten and bruised. I couldn't bear to support and watch another one rise from the ashes.

Erik had become a villain in the blink of an eye, taking on the mantle of something all too familiar. I could never follow him, not after what he said. Not after what he did. I would become the fragile bird once more. The damaged girl with strings attached to her arms. A puppet.

I turn back to Charles, my jaw setting like stone. "He was wrong." I say. "And no matter how much I wanted to stay with him, I can't follow men who are wrong."

Charles looks down at his hands, face twisting into something unrecognizable. "You wanted to go with him." I sigh. "I know you did."

"I thought you wouldn't read my mind." I say.

He looks into my eyes. "I didn't."

My lips quiver as I keep the tears at bay. "I did." I finally respond. "I did want to go with him. He knew me better than anyone, Charles. He knew what it was like to be at the mercy of Shaw."

Charles grimaces.

"But then he became Shaw." I continue, the words like bile on my tongue. "And I couldn't follow."

After a moment, Charles takes my hand.

"You're a good person, Leena." Charles tells me. "A better person than I could ever be."

I smile, but beneath the grin, my flesh fractures like porcelain crashing to the floor.

"You're a hero." Charles finishes.

That is when I break. Truly, utterly, completely break. I shatter into the earth like shards of glass from a window. I splinter and convulse, my veins roiling and my heart thumping loud beats against my ribs. Tears fall down my cheeks, they hurt my flesh, like daggers digging into my skin. I break and shatter and become nothing more than a shell at Charles' words.

Because I am no hero. I am not good.

I am darkness and pain and anguish all mixed into one.

I am Leena Talley; a girl, a fragile bird.

And now I am broken.

 END OF PART ONE. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE...

Part One of Phantom (originally it's own book): 

STARTED: July, 2020

FINISHED: February, 2021

The original author's note for the end of book one (now part one): 

Wow, just wow...

I honestly have no words to describe what an amazing feeling it is to say that Phantom, the first book in my X-Men fanfic series "Ice and Night", is now finished. It's done, it's completed, the first segment of Leena's story has concluded. I am literally crying right now.

I honestly can't tell you what an emotional moment this has been for me. I started writing this book one evening in July after just watching X-Men first Class. It was the middle of quarantine, and Leena's story (which I'd already thought of before while watching First Class for the first time) became crystal clear in my head. It was amazing, I knew exactly who she was. so, after much deliberation, I shrugged my shoulders and said "why not?" and I began to write Phantom. As I wrote, I had absolutely no intention of publishing it on Wattpad, I honestly wasn't even that familiar with the platform. But as lockdown weighed more and more on my mental health, I rekindled my relationship with the website and decided to publish the first few chapters on my profile.

Let me tell you, I had absolutely no hopes for the story whatsoever, I simply thought that it might be nice to get my writing out there. Well now, months later, as of writing this author's note, Phantom is at 4.5k reads, and the comments on my story have brought me so much joy. People like this story, and I sometimes can't believe it.

As a conclusion, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you so much to anyone that read this story, to anyone who voted and commented, you were my motivation. Without these amazing readers, I probably would never have finished Phantom.

Thank you, and I can't wait to start writing the next chapter of Leena's life in book two (NOW PART TWO) of the Ice and Night series, set in Days of Future Past.

Love, Mal