05 | monsters
CHAPTER FIVE...
Charles and Erik sat on the steps of the Lincoln memorial, an unfinished game of chess between them. The sun beat down on their tired faces. The day's work was done. They had recruited enough to take down Shaw. Erik just hoped it was enough. He wanted to see the light leave Shaw's eye for good. He wanted to be able to go back to the facility and tell Leena she would not suffer anymore.
"I can't stop thinking about the others out there." Charles said. "All those minds that I touched. I could feel them. Their isolation, their hopes, their ambitions." he smiled. "I tell you, we're at the start of something incredible, Erik. We can help them."
"Can we?" Erik replied. He thought of Raven, and how she couldn't accept that she was beautiful the way she was. Of Hank, who saw himself as an abomination. Of Leena, who was still tormented by the thought of Shaw, of what her powers could do.
"Identification, that's how it starts." he continued. "It ends with being rounded up and experimented on." A pain he knew all too well. "Eliminated."
"Not this time." Charles said. "We have common enemies; Shaw, the Russians. They need us."
"For now." Erik replied.
What would it take for Charles to see how dangerous this was? Erik wanted to be free, but he knew humankind would never see them as equal. Humankind would see them as dangerous. Enemies. Weapons.
Erik wouldn't let that happen. He couldn't. Not anymore. Now he had someone he was fighting for.
"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Charles asked. Erik looked at him, surprised. "Leena?"
"Can't you just read my mind?"
"I don't have to read your mind to know what you're thinking sometimes, Erik." Charles replied. "You're worried. Probably about what will happen to her if Shaw finds her."
"We should all be worried." Erik replied quickly. "I'm scared for all of them." But he couldn't let himself imagine what Shaw would do once he found Leena again. That's who he was after, Charles had told him. She was his weapon. Or, she had been. Such a timid, shy girl. He remembered the way the shadows danced in her palm, a reincarnation of her pain.
"Why does he need her?" he asked, finally getting the question that had been bothering him for days out in the open. "She can't even control her powers."
"That's what Shaw wants. He needs her weakened, so she won't fight back." Charles replied. "And it's energy she can manipulate."
"I thought it was emotions."
"They become dark energy." Charles answered. "If Shaw could absorb all of Leena's power, all of the energy, even the emotions, he might be able to control us with a single touch."
Erik paused for a moment. "And Leena..." can already do this...
"She's more powerful than you think, Erik."
"I know." Erik replied softly. "That's what I'm afraid of."
⭑✶⭑
The new recruits are coming today.
I sit out near the entrance, facing the doors. The concrete beneath me is cool and smooth, and a precariously hung fighter jet swings above my head. I don't bother worrying about it, because my mind is focused on other things.
Erik and Charles have been gone for three days now, trying to find mutants that are willing to join us. They sent a message a little while ago that they were heading back, and should be here shortly. My mind races, wondering what the recruits could possibly look like.
Are they young, like me, or older like Black-Suit? What could their mutations be? I think of flight, of pyrokinesis or moving things with your mind. Or are they more obscure, like mine? The problem with waiting for Erik and Charles is that I have no one to talk to, no one to answer my many burning questions. The shadows are complaining inside my head, and every time I move, ice cold shoots up my spine. I don't know why they're acting up, especially now, when everything is calm.
Maybe it's because I can't stop fidgeting, can't even sit still. For the first time in years I don't have to sit straight. I don't have to freeze or stiffen whenever someone comes near me. Yet why does it still happen? Even yesterday, I was talking with Raven, and she pulled me in for a hug, but I couldn't comply, because the last hug I ever got was from Emma. Yet now I can't stop moving, trying to find something to occupy me. I've never had this problem before, because I was living in constant fear. I would waste hours on end reading the same books, and grew used to the monotonous routine, however much it hurt. I scoff out loud. How could I do such a thing? How could I resign myself to living a life with Shaw, and not even try to escape. Then I remember, I did try and escape. Many, many times.
The first was when I was ten, and had only spent 3 months living with Shaw in an apartment in Argentina. When I first came to the house, I screamed and cried and Emma had to put me to sleep because I wouldn't stop. Every day I spent hours pounding on the door, my hands bruising and my throat rendered useless. I couldn't speak, I wouldn't eat, and I had nightmares that never seemed to end.
My parents were dead. Gone. My ten year old brain couldn't handle the fact, and every day I woke, expecting to see my father's happy face saying good morning. Only it wasn't my father. It was Shaw. He came into my room and sat at the foot of my bed, and began telling me stories. The stories made me want to scream. He told me about the destruction of mankind. About how we mutants were the greatest, and through the decimation, we would rise. About how we would only grow stronger.
I would always ask him what would happen to the humans, and he would say they would be gone. Destroyed for eternity.
I asked for my Mother. I asked for my father. But soon learned to stop questioning him. He would never tell me, and when I pried a little too much, I went to bed with a bruised eye or a head full of nightmares.
The worst came after my first attempt. Shaw and Emma were gone for the night, and Riptide, the newest member of the Hellfire Club, was standing guard. All week, Shaw had been enhancing my ability in "training sessions". He would grab hold of my arms and spread the kinetic energy through my body, awakening something terrible inside. When that happened, I could feel everything. I knew all of Shaw's emotions, I knew where Emma was, and they came to me in shadows, in figures crying or dancing or jumping in glee. Shaw's emotions were always stoic, always calculating. But that night, when he left, his shadow figure was swaying, a slow, studied waltz. He was content. Happy, even.
I hadn't planned on trying to escape, at first, which was why Emma couldn't stop me. But the moment I heard the door click shut, and saw from my little, round window that they were gone, the thought appeared, like a deer showing up in headlights, emerging out of nowhere.
I tried to ignore it. I tried to go to sleep, but the fresh bruise on my side screamed in protest any time I laid down. The apartment was empty. The walls were striped and the sofa was black leather. Everything was luxury and refinement, until you entered my room. It was bare and the wallpaper was peeling, courtesy of Shaw's energy pulses ripping through the walls. My bed was a single, topped with a small blanket and a tear stained pillow. The room was crowded and the only other furnishing was a pile of books in the corner.
I walked into the living area, and anger hit me like a truck. I stepped back, grabbing onto the coffee table, the shadows gripping my chest with an icy fist. For a moment I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. After a few seconds, I watched darkness pour out of the front door, gliding over to me like a snake. It was Riptide. He was angry because he was on guard duty, keeping me inside. He wanted to be out with Shaw, bringing the reign of mutants, getting revenge for his sister. I never realized he had a sibling who died, but in that moment, I knew it so clearly, and I felt his rage, his need for revenge.
That is when the plan formed. A tiny sliver of a plan. It took hold, growing bigger and bigger with each stride I took to the front door. His rage grew, and I began to curl my hands into fists. I bit back my scream. When I got to the door, I placed both hands on the mahogany door and reached out. The shadows clouded my visions, and a piercing scream filled my thoughts. I pushed farther out, and felt myself enter Riptides emotions. Anger pierced me, but I stayed strong. The desire of getting out overpowered everything else. I began to say the same thing into his head, over and over.
I am abandoned, I am abandoned, I am abandoned. I screamed it into his mind, tears streaming down my face, until I heard a grunt from the other side of the door. Then, something slid to the floor.
Cautiously, I flicked the locks, opened the heavy slab of wood, and peered out. Riptide lay on the ground, his hands covering his head, agony plain on his face. He was still alive, he was still conscious, but all he could think and see and feel was anger. It consumed him, and he was as good as gone for a while.
Quickly, I raced down the hall, my feet slipping. I hadn't run in ages, and I didn't know the layout of the building. Finally, I found the elevator and pushed the button for lobby level. Everything seemed to go too slowly, as if the world wanted me to fail. I gripped the railings, looking fervently around, like there was someone else looking at me. But I was alone.
For a moment, I felt it. Something I thought lost, something until recently I had never felt again. Hope. Was I really escaping? Was it really this easy? I was only ten years old, silly and naive. If I had known better, I would have pressed the button to the parking garage. If I hadn't been so distracted, I would have sensed the anger and fear coming from Shaw above. He came back early, found Riptide unconscious, and me gone.
If I had known any better, I would have screamed louder when Shaw's hands wrapped around my waist and pulled me into the stairwell, his ability rendering my limbs useless. If I had known better, I wouldn't have tried to escape at all. I would have waited until I was stronger, instead of setting myself up for more torment.
A noise jogs me out of my daze, and I look up. Two black cars are pulling up in the front drive. I stand up quickly, my knees wobbling. I run over to the door and push it open, the warm afternoon air sending shivers down my spine.
Erik slams the door closed, his face exhausted. I stop in front of him, sensing disappointment and... fear, in his thoughts. I try to smile.
"Is something wrong?" I ask. Erik stiffens at my comment.
"No." he replies.
"How many?"
"Enough." he says. I frown. There is something he's not telling me. I can feel his flicker of fear like it's my own. He's scared for someone... scared for many people.
"Leena." Charles' voice calls. I turn and find him walking up with four other people behind him. There's a pretty blonde boy with a permanent scowl, a smiling dark-skinned man who seems perfectly calm, a short girl with an intricate tattoo on her back, and a younger boy (can't be much older than me) with ruddy curls and a slight smirk. I shift my cardigan neatly and put on my best smile.
Last night I couldn't sleep, too afraid the nightmares would return, so I stayed up all evening practicing what I was going to say to the new recruits. As I stand here, grinning at each one, everything I remembered goes out of my head. I stand like an idiot, smiling intensely. They're all older than me, they're all gorgeous, and they all seem like they're in perfect control of who they are.
"Hello." I say. "I'm Leena." I stick out my hand. The ruddy haired boy steps up and takes my hand in his own.
Bad idea.
The moment my fingers connect with his, darkness creeps into my vision and spreads out across the top of my hand. Relief and pain. Relief and pain is all I feel. I keep feeling the two over and over, a cycle that won't stop.
The boy yelps and lets go of my hand, and I am aware of someone pulling me back.
"Leena." Erik whispers into my ear. "Calm down."
The four new recruits look at me as if I am a strange alien from outer space. Through my panic, I almost want to laugh. Mutants thinking I'm strange. What a concept.
"I'm sorry." I say, my voice raw and hoarse. "I didn't mean to--"
"That was so cool." the messy haired boy says. He's smiling from ear to ear, staring at his hand as if he's hoping the darkness is still there. He looks up at me again, and I see that the dark-skinned man and tattooed girl share this boy's enthusiasm, but the blonde boy stays silent, shooting daggers into my forehead. I look away.
"Um... thank you." I say. "I-I'm Leena." I reiterate.
"I'm Sean." the boy says happily. This time he doesn't take my hand, only gives me an enthusiastic nod.
The tattooed girl steps forward. "Angel. Nice to meet you." I smile. She looks like a heavenly being, so I'm not surprised by the name.
The other man says. "I'm Darwin." I frown, I'm sure that is a nickname, but I don't press. Maybe he keeps his real name hidden for a reason. I look at the blonde haired boy, my face probably expectant.
He clears his throat and looks around uncomfortably. "I thought we were soldiers. Fighters." His tone is condescending, looking at me like I'm a toddler. "Not kids."
"Alex." Charles warns. Alex puts up his hands in surrender.
"It was just a question. We're not gonna be a very good team with some kid running around, messing things up." Erik glares at him, his eyes so sharp they could cut glass. Alex fidgets. I keep my face passive, but inside, I'm fuming. I know I'm just a kid. I know I don't have control over my powers as well as these people probably do, but that doesn't mean I'm useless. I could make Alex pass out with a quick look into his memories if I wanted. My stomach twists. It becomes clear to me now that I'm never going to be seen as a recruit. Not in Charles' eyes. Not even in Erik's, despite him fighting for me now.
"Yeah." I say, giving Alex a once over. "I thought we were getting adults too." Alex does a double take while Angel, Darwin, and Sean laugh. I smile, though it's strained.
Erik steps away and he and Charles start walking toward the entrance. I look to the group, but they're already heading towards the doors as well. I fight to keep up, and once we get inside, I see my things still lying by the fighter jet. Quickly, I pick them up and stuff them into my large pockets. Charles leads us through the facility, giving a quick tour. Even if I already know the building like the back of my hand, it's still something to do. Something to keep my mind away from Shaw. Away from what's to come.
After an hour of exploring the facility, the new recruits go to their rooms for rest. I'm left out in the hallway. Alone. I turn on the spot, then decide to continue reading my book out in the front. I head that way, fiddling with my hair, trying to tuck the corkscrew curls behind my ears, to no avail.
Leena. I stop. Charles' voice swimming through my head.
Yes? I think back.
Would you please come to the North courtyard? He asks. I frown. His voice is tense, as if he has just been in an argument. What could he have been fighting about? And with whom?
The north one? I think.
Yes, there is something Erik and I would like to discuss. My brows knit together. What could they possibly want with me?
Ok? I turn around and head back the way I came, winding down corridors filled with closed doors. Up ahead, one of them opens, and two young men in grey suits file out. They stop when they see me, and one of them smiles strangely.
"Hello." I say, and walk forward, hoping to pass them by. One of the men steps in front of my path.
"You one of them?" he asks, looking me over as if he thinks horns will spring out of my head.
"One of what?" I ask. My body pulls tight with tension. On instinct, I keep my back straight and my eyes trained on something behind the two men. The fear must be etched across my face, because the other man's face softens. He leans forward and places both hands on his knees.
"One of the... mutants?" he whispers the last word, a malicious smile spreading across his face. It's sickly sweet and obviously fake. I shudder, thinking about all the times Shaw or Emma gave me that smile. It always came before something terrible.
"Maybe." I say. "Why?"
"Well, can you show us?" The other man says. "Your magic tricks?"
"It's not magic." I say. "And I don't really feel like it."
The men groan. "Awww, come on? Can you fly?"
"Move things with your mind?"
"Cause a storm?"
"Make a rabbit appear out of a hat?" I bristle as the two men laugh at their joke. The darkness creeps into the corner of my vision. It takes every effort not to unleash it on these two idiots.
"I said I don't feel like it." I say slowly, making sure every word is crystal clear. I'm back on Shaw's yacht, his voice taking over my senses, filling me with so much hatred I think I might burst.
"Come on, girl." one of them says. "You're not gonna tell us what card we have in our hands?" I look away. They think we're fake. They think we're frauds. They think we're not even human. I turn back and look into their laughing eyes. I reach out, underneath the nauseating superiority, behind the mask of amusement, to find... fear. A glimmer of fear rests in their faces. In the way they hold themselves. Below their thoughts of deception, below their feelings of entertainment... is dread. Fear of me. Of what I can do. They want to know so they can be wary of me. They want to know my abilities so they are aware how to treat me in the future. Now tears prick my eyes, and I don't stop them.
"You wanna know what I can do?" I ask them, my voice eerily calm. "I could make you jerks feel the happiest you've ever felt, or cause you enough pain to make you beg for death." they freeze, horror creeping onto their arrogant faces.
"Stay out of my way." I continue. "Or those won't just be promises anymore." I shove past them, and when my finger connects with their arms, they recoil. The fear is palpable, and it takes everything in me not to burst into tears. I feel everything. For a moment I am them. For a moment I'm watching a thin little girl walk away with darkness creeping up her arms, turning her eyes inky black. I'm watching a monster have mercy on a few mortal souls.
I don't turn back, but as I round the corner, my eyes lift to watch the two men walk away, scared out of their minds. I whimper. I caused that fear.
I'm the monster.
✶✶✶
When I get to the courtyard, Charles and Erik are standing around a statue of a man. The courtyard is small, with a lawn of green closed in by the walls of the facility. Several windows face out towards us.
I stop when I reach the center, anger hitting me so fast I don't have time to react. The tears that formed from my run in with the two men fall down my face silently, and the anger that Charles and Erik are feeling only adds to the pressure. Charles is the first to hear my approach, and goes to me in alarm when he sees me on my knees. I hold up a hand to stop him. Erik holds Charles back, giving me a knowing look.
"I'm fine."
After a moment, the anger eases, and I stand up, brushing the dirt off my pants. I look up at Charles and Erik. Erik glances at Charles, and his looks says you're on your own.
"What did you need?" I ask. Erik goes over and sits on one of the stone benches. Charles sighs and turns back to me.
"Leena..." he starts, looking as if he;s trying to figure out how to word this. "We know that you want to fight." I stiffen. My conversation with Erik several nights ago comes back to me. They don't control us. They're trying to protect us. I had said those words, even if I knew I was lying. Because I do want to help. I do want to fight. And now, after those two men, I want to win. I'm going to show them we're more than just demons.
"Yes." I say. "I do."
"But..." Charles says. "We wanted to try and see if you could use your dark energy." I freeze, my body protesting. I don't say anything, but my fear must be written all over my face, because Charles takes my hands. I try to shrink back, afraid I might give him some of my pain, but he simply places two fingers against his temple, and I realize he's keeping my power out of his mind. I could put the shadows up if I wanted to, I could get past his shield, but I'm so relieved to not have the darkness tugging at my head that I don't do anything.
"I..." I say. "I don't think..."
"We know you're frightened." Erik says from behind Charles.
"But I promised I would help you..." Charles continues. "And that means figuring out the extent of your mutation."
I gulp. "I don't -- I don't think it's a good idea." I turn away. "I hurt people. And I can't control it." I'd rather they ask me to ease some sort of emotion. I wish they would ask me to use my empathic abilities. At least that part of my mutation I can kind of control.
"But you could." Charles says. "If you practiced. If you tried."
"And injure you in the process?" I whirl around. "You don't want me to help, so why ask me to do this?"
"Because you want to help." Erik says. He gets up from where he's sitting and comes towards me. "You and I, we know Shaw. We know what he can do. And he needs your power, Leena, he needs you. If we can get your ability under control, we might have a better chance of stopping him."
"Why did you stay?" I ask, trying to push down the bile rising in my throat. "You said you work alone. You said you would kill him no matter what. So why did you stay?"
"Because of what you said." he tells me calmly. My hands begin to shake, and tears cloud my eyes. I can't test my abilities. I can't even keep them at bay. What makes them think that I can control it? What makes them think I could try to use them here, in the courtyard. They don't understand. Not even Charles, who could look inside my head anytime he liked. He could feel the pain of controlling someone's emotions, he could shiver from the mind-numbing cold of the dark energy, he could cry with me as I am thrown into nightmare after nightmare. But he would still never understand. He wouldn't know, truly, what it means to live every second of every day knowing everyone's emotions, knowing I could kill them if I tried hard enough. Knowing that darkness lies within me, ready to burst forth at any moment.
They don't know how hard it is to keep trying.
"You said I would die if I tried again." Erik says. "You said I would die because you wouldn't be there to save me." He places his hands in his pockets. "And no matter how much we want you to stay here and never do anything, we need you. We need you to gain control." his words bounce around my head, and I feel like I might implode. Adrenaline chases through my veins faster and faster.
"We're all scared Leena." Charles says. "And I know it may seem like it's all going too fast. But this is just a test."
"Have you tested the other recruits?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"They just arrived." Erik replies.
"Leena." Charles says my name softly, like he's coddling a child. In this case, he technically is.
After a moment, I say. "Fine." Charles lets out a relieved sigh.
"What do you want me to try?" I ask. Charles and Erik share a dark look, and I'm immediately regretting my decision.
Erik finally looks into my eyes. "Take the pain from my head."
"What pain."
Charles clears his throat. "The pain I'm going to bring out."
"With memories." guiltily, Charles nods. I think back to when Emma did the same back on the yacht. It feels like a million lifetimes ago, yet it's only been weeks. I remember Erik's grunts of pain, his fingers grasping his temples, trying to get the memories out.
"Take the pain away like you did on the yacht." Erik says. I look into his eyes, hoping to find anything that I can use to refuse. Fear, dread, embarrassment. But all I find is cold, hard determination.
"That was a one time thing." I say. "I hadn't been able to control the dark energy in years."
"But you did it on the boat." Charles says. "And it saved both you and Erik." I look between them. They can't be serious.
But they are.
"Alright." I say, my voice rough and lined with every single one of my worries. Erik nods and stands in front of me. Charles places a hand on his temple and closes his eyes. I wait for the pain to come.
Instantly, Erik cries out and drops onto his knees, grasping at his head, just like before. Charles' face scrunches up in concentration.
The agony hits me a few seconds later. It's a quick blow to the stomach, and it feels like fire slicing through me. My scar stings. My eyes water, and the darkness clouds my vision. I see a dark shadow figure, Erik, wailing on his knees. Surrounding us is inky black, dancing around our frail and broken bodies. I struggle towards his shadow figure, but the dark energy pushes me back, dragging me down and spitting me back up.
Leena! Charles' voice is distant. A mere echo in a raging storm. You can control this! Don't let it control you!
I nod, and reach out. With my hands or with my mind, I'm not sure, but I grasp onto the torment. It twists my stomach and tightens my throat, but I hold on. I see Erik falling, I see a coin dropping to the ground. I see him flailing about on a table. I reach deeper, hoping to grab onto the pain and bring it to me, like I did before. The emotions are easy, it's the energy that takes work.
When I turn around, I see something that knocks all sense of control out of me. His face, clouded in shadows, taunts me. Those malicious eyes. That sugar coated smile. The mocking gaze.
Shaw.
His presence is like a slap to the face, knocking all of the air out of my body.
At some point, I realize, I have begun to scream. My cries echo through Erik's head, and he starts to yell too.
I can't do this. I can't control my powers. Everything comes crashing down on me as I stare into the eyes of the man who brought me so much suffering.
"Leena!" I can't tell if Charles is shouting at me in my head or in real life, because I'm only surrounded by darkness.
Someone grabs onto my shoulders and yanks me back. Blinding light pierces through the darkness, and the world comes into focus. I am lying on the ground of the courtyard, energy coated in darkness dances around me. Charles sits next to me, gasping for breath. His hands grasps my own, and the energy starts to creep onto his pale skin. I jerk my hand away, and immediately bump into Erik, who is kneeling next to me, both hands on the ground. Tears drip down his face, and small tendrils of shadow spread from his forehead into my outstretched palm.
It takes me a moment, but after I become aware of my body, I jump up, understanding dawning. I whimper, moving away from the two of them. I didn't take away his pain. I fed it. The energy in my pal is just a small portion to the amount I left inside his head.
"I'm sorry." I say, and my voice is barely a whisper. "I'm so sorry."
"Leena." Charles says through breaths. "It's all right." He makes for me, but I flinch back.
"No!" I cry. "You never should have made me do it!" Charles looks at me with sorrowful eyes. "You shouldn't have asked me."
"Calm down Leena." Erik says, but his voice is taut.
"You shouldn't have asked me!" I yell. "I can't control it!" I whirl around and march out of the courtyard. "I just can't!"
Both Erik and Charles call after me, but I don't turn around.
Maybe those two men were right. Maybe I am a monster.
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