summary: 2009!phan have a long-distance relationship and send each other presents every Christmas until something goes wrong.

tw// suicidal thoughts and/or references including death

"I love it, Dan, I really do."

I smiled at the boy on my computer screen, opened box in his hand revealing the scrapbook I made him. It was Christmas in three days, but we always sent it early so it'd get there on time.

"I love your present too, Philly," I grinned, looking at the small plush dinosaur he bought me. "So how are you?"

"Good, I've got a surprise for you," Phil giggled. I raised an eyebrow.

"Phil, you know I hate surprises."

"You'll love this one though, I promise. Even I'm excited."

"When will I find out?"

"By tomorrow,"  he smiled. "Just don't worry about it. I don't like you stressing yourself."

"Alright, alright."

"Dan, dinner's ready!" My mum called. I pouted over to Phil.

"I gotta go. Talk to you tonight?"

"Can't."

"Huh? But we always Skype."

"It has to do with the surprise, babe. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I love you, sleep well bear."

"I hate you," I giggled. Phil raised an eyebrow at me. "Alright, fine, I love you. Goodnight."

"I'll see you tomorrow."

I hung up and shut my laptop, hurrying downstairs to meet my parents at the dinner table.

"Were you talking to Phil again?" My mum smiled. I nodded.

"He said he has some surprise for me tomorrow," I told her, crossing my arms. I noticed mother smiling down at herself. I furrowed my eyebrows. "You know something about it too, don't you?"

"Maybe," she chuckled. I dropped my hands. "Hey, stop pouting. You'll find out in less than twenty-four hours."

"But I wanna know now!" I groaned.

"Eat your dinner and stop complaining," mum demanded. I exhaled and obliged, chomping down on the food. I washed the dishes and looked over at my mother. She caught me staring and laughed at me. "I'm not telling you anything, and don't bug Phil about it either. Just trust us, alright? Now get to bed."

"Ughhh, you guys suck."

"You won't be saying that tomorrow," mum nodded at me. I sighed and trudged upstairs, flopping into my bed after changing.

I fell asleep after some struggle.

-

The next morning I was woken up by my mother practically forcing me out of the house.

"What? Why? It's freaking ten in the afternoon on Christmas break. I should be sleeping right now!"

"We need you out of the house for Phil's surprise. Now, get dressed and find some friends to hang out with."

I shot her a look. "Mum, I don't have any friends."

"Then make some!" She moaned tiredly, scurrying out my bedroom and shutting the door after her. I grunted into my pillow before getting up and forcing myself to finally change, grabbing the car keys and finding a nearby cafe to have breakfast at.

Sitting down, I ordered simple hot chocolate, grabbing my phone and calling Phil. No answer.

"Answer your phone," I hissed to the device, shoving it back into my pocket. TVs rang on throughout the building along with chatter and the sound of drinks pouring and blenders running. Suddenly the place went silent when breaking news came on the TV.

"This just in: there appears to be a plane crash. . . no survivors found, but the plane landed on empty land so nobody else was hurt. . . the plane appears to be coming from Miami to Manchester. . . Pilot had lost control according to our security audio records and cameras. . . One engine had stopped working. . ."

I tuned it out, looking out the window and ignoring the depressing news. Deciding it was time to go home, I got up, throwing my empty cup in the trash and heading back home.

When I walked through the door however, my mother was crying. I furrowed my eyebrows.

"No surprise?" I blinked.

"Dan, sit down honey."

My dad was squeezing her hand as they sat on the couch. I furrowed my eyebrows, cautiously making my way towards them and sitting on the seat next to them. "What is it?"

"You heard about that plane crash, right?" My dad began. I sucked in a breath, instantly beginning to tug at my sleeves anxiously. "Well, someone was in that plane, Daniel. . ."

"Aunt Marie? My cousins?"

"No. . ." mum trailed off. I felt my eyes watering.

"Who was it then?" I asked through gritted teeth, internally hoping they wouldn't tell me.

"I. . . He. . ."

"He?" I stood up. "Don't tell me. . ."

My dad looked down. "It was Phil. Dan, he's gone."

My lip quivered. "No! No, how do you know? You don't know that! If this is a joke, it's not fucking funny! This isn't funny! Where's the cameras? Ha ha, joke's on me, right?"

My mother shook her head, standing up. "I wish it were a joke," she sniffled. "Phil's surprise was to come see you. . . He bought the plane tickets and called me to make sure it was okay if he stayed for a month or so. He texted me when he got on the plane, but we never got a text back."

"No! No! No, no, no, this is my fault. This is my fault! I started this whole present thing, the surprise thing was implied by me! I could've got it out of him and convinced him not to get on that plane!"

"Sweetie, you didn't know-" she reached out to touch me but I backed away.

"Nothing's ever gonna be the same. Mum! Mum, I called him every day- every damn day on that stupid fucking website- all we ever talked about was how we'd live together one day. But now look? L-look what happened now, huh? H-he- I- now? Well now h-he's dead-d."

I could barely talk from the sobs threatening to rip through me and my throat feeling lodged, and my whole body trembling. My eyes burned and it was hard to focus, my nose stinging and head throbbing.

"Dan-"

"He's gone. My boyfriend is dead! What am I supposed to do now? I don't have anybody to talk to, nobody to cuddle or hug or kiss when I'm upset, I don't have anybody to call in the middle of the night after a bad dream or early morning when I don't wanna go to school and need motivation. I don't have Phil- I don't have my happiness anymore."

"It'll be okay-"

"And you know what his last words to me were? 'I'll see you tomorrow.' Where is he then? Instead he's probably in fucking pieces and instead of ever seeing daylight again he's gonna see darkness while he's six feet under ground! He promised I'd like the surprise! He never breaks promises! He broke it!" I screamed. "He's not gonna get to wake up on Christmas morning and open his presents with his family and receive all the hugs and kisses he deserves from relatives- no instead he'll be waking up in heaven while being covered in dirt!"

"He's not gonna get to graduate college, or get married, or adopt kids and watch them grow up, he's never gonna get to find his first job or buy a pet or have a movie marathon with me or go to a club with me or spend the rest of his life with me- instead he'll be underground while I'll be stuck above it."

I took a breath after ranting, wiping at my eyes and shaking my head. I stomped upstairs.

"Are you okay?" My dad yelled after me.

No. I wanna fucking die.

"Yeah," I replied.

-

Phil Lester

January 30th, 1987 to December 23rd, 2009

Loving son, uncle, and boyfriend.

Rest in peace.

I looked down at the gravestone in hatred, tears dripping down my cheeks. I kneeled down, reaching out and running my fingertips across the metal. Setting down the delphiniums on the grass, flowers that meant heavenly, I let out a long, shaky sigh.

"Hey Phil," I began. "It's Christmas and today I'm spending it without you. . . I wish instead I had your glowing smile on my computer instead and I was listening to you swoon over your presents. I wish instead I had my arms around you and your lips on mine like you promised. . . I know the crash wasn't your fault, and it wasn't mine, but that doesn't mean I'm not angry. I told you I hated surprises, Phil, you should've listened." I sniffled.

"I don't really know what else to say besides the fact that I still love you. Maybe I always will, maybe I'll learn to get over you. Right now I'm leaning towards the first possibility as it seems more of a Dan Howell thing to do," I giggled halfheartedly. "I know it's only been three days since it happens but without you now, i-it feels like it's been years. I don't know, it's like ever since you died, the days seem to drag on. I've forgotten how to laugh, how to smile- hell, how to be happy. I think that when the plane went down and you died, so did my happiness. You were kind of like my little safe box for my happiness, and you took it with you when you went away. . ."

"But I really miss you, and I wish you'd come back. I know I could see you again with the pull of a trigger or the slice of a blade or the push of a chair, but you made me promise I wouldn't hurt myself again. So I'm gonna keep that, because I love you and you don't deserve watching me do bad things to myself. Thank you for planning that surprise out, meeting you sounds fantastic right now. . . And right now, a small part of me is hoping that this is all just some nightmare or some prank. . . but it's not, the flowers I'm holding and the grave I'm staring at says it enough. I love you Phil Lester- so fucking much. And I swear to you, I cross my heart, that I will never ever forget you."

I leaned forward and pressed my lips to the cold cement, feeling my tear hit the material. I stood up, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Merry Christmas, Phil Lester."

And then I walked away.