summary: throughout their life Dan hides his feelings for Phil, instead busy wishing the boy the best of luck throughout his life.

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im jealous of the rain, that falls upon your skin. it's closer than my hands. im jealous of the rain.

"Not again!" Phil whined as he watched his umbrella break in front of him. It was pouring down rain, the two of us already getting soaked. I laughed.

"Come on, let's just try and get to class, yeah?" I offered. He exhaled and nodded, the both of us running through the wet streets and to the building we hated.

We made it inside on time, but we were still dripping.

"Best of luck!" I shouted as I watched Phil walk into his class.

"You too!" My best friend shouted, walking into his class for his first exam of the day. I waved and grinned. I raised up my hand to form a peace sign and he mimed back before disappearing into the room.

So just like that, things began to went to downhill from there.

And by there, I mean her. The girl with the pretty brown eyes and long chocolate curls. The girl with the bubbly laugh and colorful attitude. The girl who managed to take my only best friend away from me in just a few years.

im jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. it's closer than your shadow.

The story started a little something like this:

"Dan!"

I grumbled aloud, refusing to get out of bed. "Do you ever knock, Phil?"

Phil giggled behind me, and I felt him climb in bed next to me. He immediately laid down, his head sideways on my stomach and his feet on the carpet. "I'm tired."

"So am I." My hands instinctively went to hair, my fingers intertwining with his jet black locks.

"Hey Dan?" Phil said, looking over at me. I hummed my response. "I met someone."

I stopped petting his hair to gulp, quickly continuing to hide my feelings. "Who is he?"

"More like who is she," the boy corrected. I had known Phil was bisexual, he just never found any interest in girls until now. "Her name is Haley."

I let out a shaky breath. "What's she like? Tell me about her."

Please don't, my mind begged.

"She's beautiful," he started, looking up at the ceiling. Unlike me, I mentally added. "She's funny- scratch that, she's hilarious. She's sarcastic, but just the right amount, to where it's not too much and not too little. She has this laugh that makes you laugh too. She's caring and sweet, even for people she's never met. And her eyes, God, her eyes- I could stare into them and never tire of it. . . just. . . everything about her is so great, Dan."

I nodded once. Twice. Three times. Then I looked down at him, seeing his eyes closed and his mouth parted, already letting out little snores. I sighed, reaching over carefully and turning off the lamp.

"Best of luck with her, Phil," I whispered, then shut my eyes.

You too, Phil's voice finished in my head.

After that night he had gone on a couple dates with her, every night coming home with a smile on his face and a jumpy attitude. He even stopped making YouTube videos to spend more time with her.

Except this night was different. When he came home he was even more energetic and bubbly, his smile not once leaving his face as giggles constantly left his lips.

I began with a question.

and i told you when you left me: there's nothing to forgive.

"What's got you in such a good mood?"  I asked.

Phil swayed back and forth, his cheeks reddening. "You know who."

I rolled my eyes. "I know who. I just meant that. . . I don't know, you're giddier than usual. What's up?"

He giggled, reaching down and taking my hand in his.

Immediately I felt warmer, my heart rate speeding up. "I asked her, Dan."

And just like that, my heart stopped. Not literally, of course, but in that moment I wished it would. "Asked her?" I reassured.

He nodded, squeezing my hand. "We were talking, then one thing led to another and I asked her out. I have a girlfriend, Dan!" He grinned. I forced a smile, the internal pain struggling to pry its way out in forms of tears.

I kissed his forehead. "That's great, I'm happy for you," I told him. And it was true- I was happy for him. I just wasn't happy for her. "Best of luck, Phil."

He pulled away, slipping away into his room. "You too!" He sang his reply. And as soon as the door closed, so did my happiness as tears began to pour from my eyes.

I hope she got what she wanted that night. I hope she knew that she was stealing my one and only friend, my crush, my parter-in-crime and trustee, Phil Lester.

I hope she knew that when she taking Phil Lester, she was taking a part of me with him.

She had visited a few times. And the thing that I hated most was that she was how Phil described her. Difficult to hate and easy to love. She made us laugh, she made us smile, and she made us blush. Hell, she even brought her own homemade pasta for dinner one night.

And that's the thing. I wish I could hate her. I wish I could hate him. I wish I could hate the both of them for being so blind to how I feel, instead too busy in their own love lives to check up on me.

but i always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery.

Days turned into months and months turned into years, and before I knew it Phil came running home screaming with joy, telling me he had proposed and that she had said yes.

I hadn't even bothered to hide my emotions anymore.

I flashed a fake smile. "That's fantastic, buddy. I'm so excited for you."

Instantly his smile dropped, instead concern and confusion replacing his face. "What's wrong? Look, I know I'm late tonight and that I promised to watch a movie with you-"

"It's not that, Phil."

He threw his hands up. "Then what is it? You're being so distant lately and I-"

"I'm being distant?" I scoffed. "Are you kidding me? You're the one always blabbering and hanging out with her! You stopped making YouTube videos and barely even pay attention to how much the fans miss you! I've been nothing but some kind of a burden to you, a diary, a fucking doormat, and you're going to stand here and insult me? I can't count how many times I stayed up late, waiting for you to come home, even though I knew you were with her. I can't count how many times I felt alone because of how much you've ditched me lately. I can't count how many times I've cried because of how much I love you-"

"What?" Phil blinked, cutting me off. My eyes widened.

"I didn't mean that-" I raised a hand over my mouth.

"Dan."

I ran my hands over my face. Phil cautiously took off his coat.

I shook my head, my eyes beginning to water. "I'm going to bed. Best of-"

"No," Phil growled, grabbing my arm and yanking me back, shoving me into our bar stool. "We're gonna talk about this."

"What does it matter, Phil? So what if I have feelings for you? You proposed to somebody tonight, Phil. My feelings aren't going to change anything and you know it, so why? Why should we talk about this, try and sort things out, if tomorrow you're going to be with her like every other day?"

Phil looked down and I noticed a single tear slip down his cheek. "I'm sorry. Did you hear me, Dan?" We locked eyes. "I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't paid attention to you. I'm sorry I've been pestering you with my problems and not listening to any of yours. I'm sorry I've ditched you one too many times. I'm sorry I didn't think of you before I asked her-"

"Why would you need to think of me?" I questioned.

Phil sat next to me, looking out the window in the dark room. "I had feelings for you."

Had.

"You loved me?" I spoke. Phil nodded. The moon's light casted a cyan silhouette over the boy next to me, causing his eyes to sparkle and tears to glisten. "Phil, I-I love you too."

Phil got up, shaking his head. "It's too late," he murmured. "I don't love you anymore."

Then he walked out of the house, leaving me in darkness- mentally and physically.

Phil had come back later that night. I woke up to the sound of the front door shutting after him.

We didn't talk for awhile. When we did though, it was like nothing ever happened. But I could still feel the tension between us, and I could tell he could too.

When he asked me to be his best man, I accepted of course. But on the inside I was wishing he was asking me to be his husband. Or at least didn't ask me anything at all, as I'd rather not see my only love and best friend be whisked away by some girl whom he's head-over-heels for.

When the wedding came I was with him, talking him through his nervousness in the dressing rooms, trying my best to make him laugh and ease the stress.

it's hard for me to say: I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me

Then they called Phil's name, alerting that it was time for him to walk out.

"Dan, I'm nervous."

I only shook my head, pressing a kiss to his forehead and patting his shoulders. "I'm right here, alright?" He nodded, letting out a shaky breath. The doors opened. "I'll be out there soon."

"Promise?" Phil whispered. I flashed him a small smile.

"I'll always be here."

And so he left and the doors shut. I left to the waiting room with all the other friends in the Lesters' wedding, finding a seat and waiting.

"She's so perfect for him," a girl whispered to her friend.

"I know, right? They're so cute together. It's like they belong together. I mean you can tell how much he loves her just by the way he looks at her."

I sighed.

Then the music started. We all stood and lined up. I was to be last. I found my spot behind all of them and the doors parted, letting all of us out. We went out one by one, then it was my turn.

I gulped and took slow steps, cautious not to make a fool out of myself by falling. I ignored the gaze all the audience had on me, instead only focusing on Phil. Phil smiled lovingly and I smiled back, but then everyone in the audience stood and that's how I got it.

He wasn't looking at me with those eyes. He wasn't smiling at me with those lips. He was staring at his soon-to-be-wife who was behind me, newly arrived and looking beautiful. I took my spot and turned back, looking at Phil's love.

I looked between the both of them, watching how they shared shy smiles at each other and the way Phil's eyes lit up brighter the closer her father led her to him.

im jealous of the love, love that was in here, gone for someone else to share. oh, im jealous of the love.

She made her way to Phil, her father leaving the girl after pressing a kiss to her cheek and finding his seat next to his wife.

I watched as their hands instantly intertwined, like magnets destined to touch. I sucked in a breath, shutting my eyes and blocking out the noise as they spoke their vows.

I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to see this.

and i wished you the best of all this world could give. and i told you, when you left me, there's nothing to forgive.

"Before I grant these two permission to kiss, any objections or statements longing to be heard?"

I object! I object! I love Phil! Please, don't take him away from me; he's all I have! I object, my voice cried.

"Do you, . ."

I shut my eyes and and blocked them out. I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear this. 

"I do."

Phil, do something.

"Do you, Phil Lester. . ."

Make it stop.

". . . To be your lawfully wedded wife. . ."

I don't want this.

"Through sickness and in health. . ."

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

"Till death do you part."

Don't say, Phil. Don't say it.

There was a hesitation. I opened my eyes. He glanced at me.

Phil?

Then he looked back at her and the smile returned.

"I do."

And that's when my heart officially shattered into a million pieces. That's when I knew there was officially no hope of Phil Lester coming back. There was no hope of Phil Lester falling for me. There was no hope of Phil Lester marrying me.

She had stolen all my hope, happiness, and joy in life in just a few seconds.

but i always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery.

"Let's give a round of applause for the bride and groom's first dance!" The DJ shouted. The people cheered as the couple parted. Phil had just finished his dance with his new wife.

I had watched it happen, agonizingly slow and tortuous. The way they swayed, the way they talked the whole time, the flashes of cameras and smiles of friends.

I was just about to get a drink when I noticed Phil making his way towards me.

"Dan," he began. I raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah?"

He bowed. "May I have this dance?" And then the music started. Jealous by Labrinth. My eyes widened. "Come on, it's just for a few minutes."

I took his extended hand, nodding and following him to the middle of the dance floor.

it's hard for me to say: i'm jealous of the way you're happy without me.

We clasped hands, his other hand on my waist and mine on his shoulder. We swayed gently to the song, not saying anything for awhile until I spoke.

"How does it feel?"

"Surreal," Phil chuckled. I smiled a little. "It feels great, I know that much. But I don't know, Dan, everything just feels like a dream."

Well, it's a nightmare to me, I mentally replied.

I grinned at him. "Since when did you dance so well?"

"Took lessons," Phil admitted. I giggled.

"You sneaky little shit," I muttered. He laughed.

"Hey, Dan?" I looked up at him. "You okay?"

No, I'm not. "Yeah, fine."

Phil nodded. "I was just worried since. . ."

"Yeah, I know, Phil. But forget about me, tonight's about you."

Phil flashed me a sad smile. "Thank you."

"For what?"

Phil leaned closer, nudging his head onto my shoulder and wrapping both his arms around my waist. I locked my hands behind his neck.

"Being there. You really are one of the most amazing people I've ever met. This is the most fun I've ever had." 

My eyes watered and I felt a wet spot on my shoulder, shoving Phil away to see he was crying. I wiped his tears.

"Hey, don't cry. Be happy, it's your wedding day!" I told him. He sighed and we locked eyes. "It's okay, Phil. You're my favorite person in the whole world and it'll remain like that until I die."

Phil smiled. "I love you, Dan."

"I love you too, Phil," I responded. Though I knew it was not the same type of love.

The song ended, as did my distraction from heartbreak as Phil began to pull away. He squeezed my hand one last time. "Thanks."

I watched him walk away from me and over to his love, staying still as they shared a kiss and began chatting. People began shuffling their way onto the dance floor, though I didn't pay any mind, instead everything around me blurry and in slow-motion besides Phil and his wife.

That's when I realized that I couldn't hate her for loving Phil, because I did too. He just happened to love her instead of me. And that's how it was going to be.

If you truly love someone, then you'll want them happy. So if this is what it takes to make him happy, then it's what I'll have to do.

I felt tears slip down my cheeks but didn't wipe them. Then I opened my mouth.

"Best of luck," I whispered.

And just like that, that was the end of Dan and Phil.