Insomniac

Words: 9942

Experiment 1 [phase 5 - simulation]: Subject [4]

Subject: Dan Howell

Age: 23

Nationality: English

~

I got my keys out and slid them into the lock. As soon as I was in the house I hung my coat up on the hook and kicked my shoes off at the door.

"How was work love?" My wife, Emma, called from the kitchen. I smiled and walked into the room, kissing her on the cheek.

"Good as always. I'm playing Hamlet so I'd say the audition went well." I grinned, feeling proud of myself.

"Oh well done hun, I'm cooking your favourite - spaghetti Bolognaise." She winked and I grinned at her.

"Perfect." I nodded and pecked her lips before running upstairs to change into some comfortable clothes. We spent the night eating dinner together and watching the new episodes of doctor who on TV. Everything was perfect ... well, almost everything.

"I think it's time to head to bed babe." Emma yawned and pecked my cheek. I gulped, I was always anxious when it came to going to sleep ...

"Alright." I smiled falsely and followed her up to our bedroom. We both changed into our pyjamas and slipped into bed. I rested my head on the pillow and tried to relax but I was tense all over. As soon as I drifted off it would happen - the dreams.

"Night babe." Emma sighed, wrapping her arms round my waist.

"Night." I swallowed and reluctantly closed my eyes.

~

I looked up. There he was, smiling down at me. "Come ooon Dan! I don't want to be late for the movies!" He grinned, pouting cutely at me.

"Alright Phil, I'm coming." I chuckled and let him drag me down the hall to get our shoes on. I grabbed my wallet and keys and let Phil drag me out the door. "I know we've got cameo rolls and everything but we don't have to sprint there Phil." I laughed at his enthusiasm.

"Oh come on Dan! I can't help that I'm excited, I mean we're actually in a Disney movie! How can I not be excited?" He beamed and continued to tug on my arm.

"Ok, ok I get it." I shook my head, although the smile never left my face. Soon enough we were in the building and buying the tickets, snacks and 3D glasses. We took our seats in the middle row - some of the best seats in the house.

"Hey Dan." Phil suddenly spoke up and I turned to look at him. I frowned when he took of my 3D glasses. My eyes widened in surprise when I was pulled into a very passionate kiss. I quickly overcame the shock and held the back of his head, pulling his closer - returning the kiss. Before things got too heated he pulled away with a cheeky grin and I looked at him in annoyance. He always teased me at the most annoying times in public. Just when that kiss was getting interesting he pulled away.

He just smirked and popped a piece of popcorn in his mouth with a smug smile before turning to the screen where the film was about to start. I scowled at him before grabbing my glasses and sticking them on. I really enjoyed the beginning and nearly cried when a character died only twenty minutes into the film.

As the story progressed I suddenly felt Phil's hand on my thigh, lightly stroking it. I looked over at him to see an innocent expression and narrowed my eyes at him before turning back to the film and trying to ignore his hand on my leg although it was very distracting.

Soon enough I felt his hand slide higher up my knee to my thigh and I knew he was up to no good. I put my hand over his and turned to glare playfully at him. He just grinned and placed a piece of popcorn in his mouth and swallowed before leaning closer to my neck. His breath brushed my ear and sent a shiver down my spine.

"Would you like some popcorn Dan?" He asked in a low voice which made me swallow. I nodded and watched as he took a single piece of popcorn out of the box and held it up for me to see. I was about to take it but frowned when I saw him smirk and say, "Then come and get it." and placed it between his teeth. I stared in disbelief and narrowed my eyes before quickly looking around.

Not many people were close to them and were paying attention to the film anyway unlike us. I turned back to Phil who had taken his glasses off and was wiggling his eyebrows. I giggled quietly to myself before leaning in to try and take it without touching his lips to tease him. It failed however when he lurched forward and latched his lips onto mine, swallowing the popcorn himself.

I closed my eyes and returned the kiss, loving his lips on mine. He moved them firmly with mine and I tasted the salty flavour of the popcorn on his tongue as it slid into my own mouth. I let out a little sigh of satisfaction as his tongue roamed my mouth - claiming it as his own. The movie had been completely forgotten at that point as we were passionately making out in the middle of the cinema.

When we finally broke for air my heart was beating fast and I was panting - trying to catch my breath. Phil was in a slightly similar state as me and he beamed at me, love clear in his eyes. My chest fluttered - I loved him so much and I didn't know how I got so lucky, I took his chin and pulled him in for a tender peck before resting my head on his shoulder.

"I love you, so much." I mumbled.

"I love you too Dan." He smiled and kissed my forehead.

~

I jolted awake and stared up at my ceiling with wide eyes. They darted to Emma who was sound asleep beside me. I inhaled a deep breath before shakily releasing it. I sat up and ran a hand through my messy morning hair. I swallowed and rubbed my eyes.

I had those dreams every night - of another life with this man called Phil. Every dream was a memory but they never played in order. These were memories that I had never experienced but somehow were mine - otherwise it was like some fantasy world. I didn't know who Phil was - only that in my dreams I was deeply in love with him.

When I awoke in real life I'd remember the feelings I have for Phil and sometimes ache for them but I love my wife and my life is perfect ... so why do I long for this life with Phil so much?

I quickly jumped out of bed and quickly made it towards the bathroom and had a shower - relaxing my tense muscles under the hot water. Every morning I still feel the fluttering in my heart at Phil's words, at his smile, at his eyes and everything else about him that makes my heart thump. Sometimes I think I love him more than Emma ... but I he doesn't even exist.

It concerns me and sometimes I wish the dreams would stop but on the other hand I'm terrified they'll slip away and I'll never see Phil's beautiful blue eyes again. It's like these dreams are trying to reach out to me - like he's trying to reach out to me but I can't grasp him. How can I when he's not even real?

I got changed into some fresh clothes and grabbed my phone, wallet and keys. "Have a lovely day at work. I know you'll kill it, I'll be at your performance." Emma grinned, brushing down my jacket and fixing the collar.

"Thanks babe." I smiled and pecked her on the cheek. I was about to go when she grabbed my sleeve and smirked at me, pulling me into a passionate kiss. I kissed back but something in me told me it felt wrong. My mind wandered to the dream and how Phil kissed me and how perfect it was ... kissing Emma just didn't compare which was confusing.

"Now that's a goodbye kiss." She winked and ushered my out the door. I smiled at her before making my way to the car. I drove down to the theatre where I'd be practicing the first scene of Hamlet.

"Dan!" the director called as I walked through the door.

"Hey James." I smiled.

"Right on time." He smiled back, "Lucy here will go over your lines with you and later we'll get your costume fitted for a few weeks time. I need everything perfect for the time the dress rehearsal comes around." He warned.

"You can count on me." I reassured.

"I know Romeo." He chuckled and pointed me in the right direction as Lucy led the way. He had noticed my roll as Romeo in the production 'Romeo and Julliet' and thought I'd be good for the roll of his 'Hamlet' so added me to the audition list and was chosen.

The day went by quick enough and I had the first scene word perfect. "ALRIGHT! That's a wrap for today people, have a nice night and we'll take it from the top tomorrow." James called out. I breathed out in relief. Don't get me wrong - acting is fun, but after rehearsing for a whole day it is really exhausting and a little repetitive since we have to keep going over lines.

I said goodbye to everyone in the work place and drove home to find Emma in the kitchen. "How was work love?" She asked as she stirred a pot of boiling potatoes.

"Great, rehearsals were good."

"That's good to hear - it's a chicken roast for dinner." She smiled and set to work putting other food on to cook.

"Great." I nodded and kissed her cheek before changing into trackies and a loose shirt. The evening went similarly to the other night - eating, talking and watching TV, only this time it was Adventure Time.

Soon enough it was late again and we were both tucked up in bed with her arms wrapped around my waist as she slept softly. I breathed in a shaky breath, preparing myself to enter my fantasy world with Phil.

~

The train slowed to a stop and I was beyond nervous. My palms were sweating, my breathing was uneven and I was shaking a little. I never knew I could be so anxious to meet someone. After numerous skype sessions I would finally meet Phil for the first time.

I stepped off the train and onto the platform, eyes scanning the crowd for a mop of black hair. My breath caught in my throat when my brown eyes connected with blue ones through the see of people. They lit up and a smile grew on his face as he waved me over.

I couldn't stop the grin that broke out on my own face as I pushed through people to get to him. As soon as I was close enough I lunged at him and wrapped my arms tightly around him, being able to touch him for the first time - it felt so surreal to finally be with him in person.

"Hi." He giggled in my shoulder as he hugged me back.

"Hi." I replied a little breathlessly and pulled away, staring at his beautiful pale face.

"It's so nice to finally see you in person. I was wondering if I was only ever going to see a slightly pixelated version of you forever." He laughed and poked my side.

"Me too. I'm so happy I finally have the chance to meet you." I blushed a little and he chuckled, stroking my cheek which resulted in it going redder.

"That's cute." He complimented which made me melt inside. So maybe I fancied him quite a bit. "Let's catch the bus and then we can talk as much as we want as soon as we get to mine. Maybe even make a video." He winked. My heart rate increased.

"Sounds good." I barely got out and followed him through the crowd of people like a lost puppy.

As soon as we were in his house he showed me around and let me dump my all my stuff in his room. It felt so surreal to see his room in real life and not through a computer screen in a video or through skype. We talked for hours and got to know each other even better if that was even possible and I felt myself falling deeper for him. He was so much more beautiful in person and the camera never did him enough justice.

Soon enough he had it set up and we were making our first YouTube video together. We had had great fun answering people's questions on twitter and being silly on screen when it finally came to the end and we had to finish it.

"This is the most fun I've ever had." I said out loud and was shocked when Phil tackled to me the floor. I let out a chuckle and looked up at him with a playful glare. However he was a lot loser than usual and his bright blue eyes were staring into my soul. My breath hitched.

"U-um ... is it weird if I said you look really pretty right now?" Phil stuttered and my eyes widened and a blush fought its way onto my cheeks.

"I-I, well- I d-don't, yeah i-it's fine ... I don't- I mean." I stuttered and he giggled before he bit his lip, seeming to think something over before leaning down and capturing my lips with his. My heart felt like it was going to burst with happiness. I eagerly kissed him back, unsure of how I even got in this position - kissing the one I had had a crush on for years even though I had ever really watched him through a computer screen.

His kiss made me weak at the knees and I loved the feeling of his hands in my hair and my arms wrapped round his neck - locking him in place as our lips moved in sync. Words cannot describe how I felt in that time as the cage of butterflies were released in my stomach and my love for Phil Lester multiplied rapidly. However we needed to eventually pull away for air and I looked up at him -still in shock.

"Th-that was nice." I breathed, still in a daze. He giggled adorably and pecked me once before sitting us both back up.

"It was amazing ... but I don't think we should keep that in the video." He smirked and lightly tapped my sharpy covered nose - the ink probably being smudged or rubbed off.

I grinned, "Yeah it's probably best. Don't want to give all those fangirls a heart attack." I smiled and kissed him once again just because I could. He smiled, looking at me with love I thought never would be returned and I felt like the luckiest person alive in that moment.

"Should we finish this video off?"

"Yeah." I nodded and turned to the, still rolling, camera and shuffled closer with Phil. We made hand heart and said 'Bye!' at the same time.

"That's so cheesy." Phil chuckled.

"It's supposed to be cheesy.

"Goodbye!"

"Bye bye everybody!"

~

My heart thumped wildly and my emotions were going wild. I felt a tear roll down my cheek and sniffed, swiftly wiping it away. I glanced at Emma and, as always, she was still sound asleep. I held my head in my hands and sighed.

"What is happening?" I muttered, feeling the ache for something that didn't exist. I pushed forward like I did every morning and took my usual shower, got changed into some clothes and walked down stairs to have breakfast.

Emma was up and had pots and pans on the stove along with a box of eggs and some bacon. "Good morning babe." She chirped and continued to set about cooking breakfast.

"Morning." I replied and sat down. I was still deep in thought and didn't notice I was frowning down into my lap.

"What? No morning kiss?" Emma chuckled, turning to me and pouted.

"Oh ... sorry." I apologized although I didn't bother to sound sincere and I didn't kiss her anyway. I only turned back to frowning at my lap - why did I have those dreams?

"Hey ... are you alright?" Emma asked as a concerned look crossed her features. That's when I snapped out of it. I was definitely not telling my wife I was dreaming about a fantasy life with another lover.

"Oh, don't mind me I just couldn't get to sleep last night and I'm a little groggy this morning. Sorry hun." I smiled, trying to sound convincing - even kissing her on the cheek.

"Well ... as long as you're ok. You know you can tell me anything." She old me. I swallowed but hid my nerves behind a false smile and nodded at her. She smiled back before returning to her cooking.

I wolfed breakfast down and left as quick as possible that morning. Something about that dream had me feeling uneasy. Apparently that was the first time me and 'Phil' met. My dreams never played in order so I only got bits and pieces which added up to my other life.

I couldn't explain it. Something about that one dream had me on edge and made me feel really uncomfortable in reality ... I mean it 'was' reality right? The thought had only crossed my mind once before and I immediately dismissed it - thinking it was rubbish. However I dwelled on it a little longer as I drove to the theatre.

"What if this was the fake universe and Phil and I's life is the real one? ..." Someone beeped their horn at me and I jumped, waking up and seeing the light had turned green. I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and shook my head, taking in a breath. "Don't be ridiculous Dan. You're just being paranoid. OF COURSE this is reality."

As soon as I was inside I was escorted to Lucy who handed me the script for the second scene. We practiced right up until lunch then had a break. As I chewed one of the sandwiches on offer, my mind drifted to Phil. I tried not to think of him during the day and would usually only think about him in private so I wouldn't get distracted but I couldn't help it this time.

I thought about how effected my emotions were that morning and how I ached for the love he gave me. "But he's NOT real." I chanted. This didn't stop me missing his bright and beautiful blue eyes; his smooth pale skin; his soft charcoal hair and his desirable personality. My mind was drifting and thinking about numerous dreams that shared our happy moments in the past - even arguments which ended in forgiveness as soon as it was over. I remembered how afterwards we'd fall into each other's arms.

Someone snapped their fingers in front of me and I jumped, feeling odd as I fell back into reality. "Huh?" I stuttered.

"James wants us back on set." A fellow actor - Sasha, explained.

"O-oh right, yeah." I fumbled about, setting my sandwich and drink aside. I had lost my appetite anyway.

"Are you alright Dan? You seem a little tense today. You're acting's a lot more stiff than yesterday's."

"I'm fine, honestly. I'm just tired." I lied. She'd just think I was crazy if I told her the truth.

Soon enough it was time to go home and I drove home quickly, wanting to rest and relax my thoughts which had been bugging me all day even made me mess up some lines. James was not happy but told me we'd run over it again the day after.

I kicked my shoes off at the door and chucked my jacket at the side - not bothering to hang it up. "How was work love?" Emma called from the kitchen and I was about to call out when I stopped myself.

A sense of deja vu washed over me before I shook it off. Something about that question threw me off but I didn't know what. "Fine, fine. I think I need an early night though. I messed up a few lines." I admitted as I walked into the kitchen.

"Oh poor baby. You'll be great tomorrow I'm sure - and undoubtedly on the night as well." She reassured and smiled when I kissed her on the cheek.

"Thanks babe."

"We're having turkey casserole tonight." She added before continuing to cook. I frowned. Wasn't she always in the kitchen? I shook my head and left the room.

"If you need me I'll be in the office." I called, getting an 'okay' in return before sprinting up the stares and into the spare room which was my office. I dropped into my office chair and let out a sigh. "What the fuck is going on with me?" I thought in frustration. I thought back to the most recent dream and went over certain aspects. I thought about what I already know about this fantasy world.

I knew we were together - that was obvious. I knew that we lived together and moved in together when I moved to Manchester with him. I knew he was five years older than me. However none of that was really helping me - and I didn't know any of my friends in that fantasy life in real life. I groaned and buried my head in hands. "Is there anything that could me a clue that it's real?" I thought.

Once I drew up a blank I gave up and turned my computer on - doing some paper work and other important things for work - also checking my emails whist I was at it. Time passed quickly and before I knew it I was laying in bed with Emma's arms wrapped around my waist. I swallowed and closed my eyes. "Please give me a clue Phil." I thought before drifting off.

~

Phil and I were both snuggled up on his couch. I was happy to be in his arms again. It had been a few weeks since we had last seen each other. I had been away at uni and he had gone to visit family for a week as well as doing some work experience on weekends that weren't convenient for us to meet up. However, I was finally back in his embrace.

"I'm so happy you're here Dan." Phil grinned.

"And I'm happy to be here. I love you a lot Phil." I sighed in bliss.

"I love you too Dan - a whole lot." Phil smiled and buried his face in the crook of my neck. I grinned and lazily watched the screen. I wasn't really paying attention - just reveling in the moment.

However my body awoke and my eyes widened when I felt Phil's lips kiss my neck. I shuddered and bit my lip as Phil started to place more down my neck and to my collar bone. I gasped a little as he nibbled on it before returning to the dent where my shoulder neck met. His lips closed around the skin and sucked on it. I moaned at the sensation - having a sensitive spot there. My whole neck was actually really sensitive and sometimes he liked to push my buttons and tease me to get me worked up.

We hadn't actually had sex before but we had come close many times but had only really gotten off before falling asleep. However something felt different - there was a sort of need in the air. I turned in his hold, pulling him more on top of me as I turned my back to rest against the arm of the sofa. He placed his arms either side of me to support himself as he started to bite down on that spot and make me shiver in pleasure.

Once he reddened the skin until a bruise was sure to appear he kissed back up my jaw to my cheek and then finally to my lips. He pecked them once before looking intensely into my eyes for a moment. I knew what it meant. He was silently asking if I wanted our first time now. He was looking at me with such a loving gaze it made my heart melt and my knees weak.

As a reply I hooked my arms around his neck and pulled his soft lips to mine. He kissed me slowly and sensually at first, making the moment really intimate and taking it slow - showing me he loved me and didn't want to rush. I couldn't ask for anything more perfect. He straddled my waist and brought our bodies closer so he wouldn't have to support his weight with his arms anymore.

Instead, his hands brushed my sides and stroked up and down my clothes chest as our kiss got a little more wild. I felt his tongue brush the seam of my lips and I opened up without a thought. I thought my heart would explode when I felt his tongue explore my mouth as he claimed the territory as his - claiming me as his. I smiled into the kiss, pulling him tighter to my body as I slowly started to grind against him.

He moaned into the kiss and his hands slid down to my hips where his thumb slid under my shirt and lightly rubbed the skin there. I let out a shaky breath as we pulled back for air and looked up at him with love and lust - he was perfect. He smiled and slid his hands under my shirt, making it ride up half way. He kissed me fully before trailing his lips back down my jaw and returning to my neck, nipping a new area near the first love bite.

My body hummed in pleasure as his hands stroked across my bare chest and I moaned out when his fingers brushed my nipples. He broke away to lift my shirt over my head and discarded it somewhere else. Before he could return to what he was doing I unbuttoned his shirt so we were equal. He beamed at me as I threw his shirt aside and kissed my lips and my nose before returning to my neck.

I grinned - so happy that he was making our first time so perfect. He stroked my chest again, pressing a little harder and he even started to grind into me like I had done. I grunted and dug my fingers into his back a little. "Bedroom." I breathed out and he nodded before cupping my ass and lifting me up. I giggled and wrapped my legs round his waist - completely love drunk.

He gently laid me down on his bed before crawling over me and grinning down at me, kissing me again. Getting a little frustrated, I ground against him again. I was craving him and craving skin to skin contact. He groaned and his hands trailed down my stomach to my jeans and he started to enthusiastically unbuckle the belt and swiftly tug my jeans off. I bit my lip and did the same to him, eagerly pushing his jeans down and chuckled when I saw him kick them off.

I grabbed his head and pulled his lips down to meet mine in a passionate and slightly more heated kiss as his crotch ground against mine - only boxers separating us now. I moaned again and stroked up and down his back - massaging his muscles. He hummed into the kiss and broke apart to take a breath. As he got his breath back I leaned up and kissed from his shoulder up his neck to his ear - biting the lobe teasingly. He moaned when I gave his neck the same treatment he had given mine and I smiled proudly at the love bite I managed to leave on him - also claiming him as mine.

When I pulled back he looked at me with love and adoration and I knew I could die happy right there and go to heaven. "I love you Dan. You're definitely sure you want it to be now?" He asked softly whilst his hands stroked my hips. I grinned up at him and pecked his lips.

"I'm 100% sure Phil." I grinned - not being able to stop smiling. Soon enough the last of our clothes were discarded and our loud moans filled the room as we made love.

~

I woke up panting and sweating. My eyes darted round the room as I tried to get my breathing under control. I felt something deep in my stomach - a bubbling desire to have Phil by me. I felt the uncontrollable flutter of butterflies in my chest and ached for his presence. I froze when I heard Emma's groan from beside me and turned to see her stir in her sleep.

I held my breath, waiting for her to fall asleep and I let it out as soon as she settled again. I raked a hand through my hair and jumped out of bed - feeling weird. "Shit, shit, shit." I muttered. It had felt so real and almost nostalgic - like I had experience those feelings before and they were tugging at me and willing me to remember.

I was honestly frightened at how I felt and looked in the mirror - seeing a light sweat covering my face. I turned the taps on and splashed water over my face and wiped it away with a towel. The intimacy of that dream had taken my breath away. I sighed and looked down before I nearly shrieked. I stared in shock as I saw the tent in my pyjama bottoms and felt a blush rise to my cheeks.

"Jesus pull yourself together Dan." I scolded myself and tried to ignore how aroused I was actually feeling. I tried to think of something else to stop the swelling in my southern regions but my brain kept drifting back to Phil over me as I screamed his name. I moaned before shaking my head. "Shit." I snapped before I bit my lip, glancing from my image in the mirror to my erection. "Am I really about to masturbate to a fantasy person that may or may not exist?" I thought. However before I knew it I was relieving myself and even moaned Phil's name at one point.

I scolded myself as soon as I was finished and checked our room and felt relief wash over me at the sight of a sound asleep Emma. Seriously if she had heard I'd have been in deep shit. In some way it sort of felt like cheating ... yet they didn't even exist. It was making me so confused.

At breakfast I felt anxious and slightly guilty at thinking about someone other than my wife whilst fixing my 'problem' and avoided eye contact. "Have a great day at work babe." Emma smiled and kissed me on the lips. I reluctantly kissed back. "Why the hell do I feel guilty kissing her?" I thought to myself and gave her a false smile as I swiftly left the house to go to work.

On the way there I felt a head ache form and frowned. "Has all this thinking given me a migraine?" I thought in disbelief and groaned as I pulled up in the theatre's car park. I grumbled as I walked through the door and met James who pretty much shoved the script in my face. "Alright, we're going over the end of scene two and moving onto to scene three and possibly four today if you're feeling up to it." James explained, not really giving me a proper glance.

"Honestly I'm feeling a bit ill today James-" I started.

"Well I'm sure you'll do well anyway." He smiled before walking off.

I glared after him, "Was he always such an insensitive prick?" I thought to myself and shook my head, getting into place with Sasha. We were halfway through scene three when I felt the head ache come back full force. I struggled to remember my lines and had to keep checking the sheet. However as I checked for a fifth time I had to squint to see the writing because my eyesight was slightly off and the words were out of focus. I groaned when the splitting pain made my head pulse.

"Dan? What's wrong with him?" James asked in frustration as some people came over to me. I looked up and the room was swaying and people were multiplying. It was really trippy and I ended up losing balance and dropping to the floor, hitting my head off the stage.

"OH MY GOD! Dan, are you okay?" Sasha exclaimed but my head was hurting so badly and black spots were going in and out of my vision. All their faces blurred and their words became muffled as darkness swallowed me and I fell into what I thought was unconsciousness.

The strangest thing happened next. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't move my body - I was completely immobile. However I heard voices - voices that didn't belong to any of my workmates.

"He's alive and breathing."

"Get me back up immediately we have a survivor!"

"Someone get a medic in here!"

"Be careful with the wires, his brain is still active. If we unplug him we could potentially lose him."

"Where are the nurses?"

"What nurses? Who's a survivor? What the fuck is happening?" I thought as the voices continued to speak with urgency. There was a faint whine of a siren in the background and I had no idea what had happened to me. Soon enough even those voices became muffled and I completely blacked out.

...

"Dan?" I blinked my eyes open to see Sasha, James and other work mates crowding around me.

"What?" I frowned, not understanding where I was or how I got there.

"Are you alright? You blacked out for five minutes." Sasha asked, helping me to my feet and sitting me down on a chair.

"I-I don't know." I stuttered, feeling shaky and confused.

"Alright I'm calling off rehearsals for today. Please get better Dan. Get home and get some rest and maybe see a doctor. Come back tomorrow and we can pick it up then." James sighed, looking annoyed. However pissed off I was at his attitude I agreed and left the theatre, anxiously getting into my car. I seriously hoped I wouldn't black out on the way.

Instead of going straight home, I went to a coffee shop to clear my head before I returned to Emma. Something in me didn't want me to return to her yet. I thought back to the voices and what they said. It was like I was there but I wasn't. I felt like my body was physically in the room with those people yet mentally I was somehow trapped in a different reality. I couldn't explain it and I was feeling lost, scared and alone. I was certain that if I told anyone they'd just think I was crazy so didn't bother to phone any of my friends or Emma.

My mind wandered back to the recent dreams I had had. This love I felt for Phil felt so real - they can't have been regular dreams and something in me told me they might not be a fantasy. I bit my lip and sipped the coffee I had ordered. My mind drifted to the dream of our first video together when a light bulb went off in my head. YouTube. In my dreams or 'memories' I am a YouTuber along with Phil. My heart thumped in my chest as I fumbled to get my phone out. I clicked on the 'internet' app and typed 'YouTube' into the search bar.

A page showed up on my screen and I felt a grin spread across my face as I saw the white homepage with the red logo in the corner and the videos in the middle. My eyes darted to the search bar, taking in every detail. "It exists." I breathed and quickly typed in AmazingPhil and waited as the page loaded. My heart skipped a beat when I saw his face come up on screen. I felt my whole body freeze in place as his blue eyes bored into mine. However as quick as it came, it was gone. I gawped as the screen went grey and the words 'Sorry this website doesn't exist' appeared on screen.

"No! It was there!" I thought in panic, refreshing the page frantically and retyping it in but no matter how hard I tried it never came up again. "Did I imagine it?" I thought in disbelief as Phil's YouTube icon flashed across my vision. "Am I really going crazy?"

I hurried home and dumped my jacket and shoes at the door, feeling freaked out and insecure. "How was work love?" Emma called from the kitchen and I froze in place. "Didn't she say that the day before and the day before that, and even the day before that?" I thought I was being paranoid but when I thought about it she had said those exact words to me every time I came home.

I warily made my way into the kitchen before putting a false smile on. "It went great." I lied, deciding not to tell her about how I blacked out.

"Great, it's macaroni cheese tonight."

"Yummy." I replied. "Doesn't she tell me what we're having every day as soon as I get home without fail?" I thought suspiciously. That's when I realized I was probably being really paranoid. I shook my head, "There's nothing too weird about it - she may have just gotten into a habit."

As Emma slid in beside me that night I was slightly terrified to fall asleep. Not that I didn't like my fantasy world with Phil, but because some aspects were starting to mess with me in real life. "Just relax, you're just being ridiculous and are imagining things. Tomorrow everything will be back to normal." I tried to reassure myself.

~

"Hm, how about we have pancakes for breakfast?" I suggested as I got out the ingredients.

"Sounds delicious." Phil agreed and grinned adorably up at me as I searched the cupboards for the flour. After five minutes I let out a huff of frustration.

I tensed then relaxed when I suddenly felt arms slide round my waist and comfort me. "What's wrong bear?" Phil asked softly in my war, kissing me temple.

"There's no flour." I pouted and he chuckled, turning me around and kissing the pout on my lips.

"That's alright, we can always have pancakes another morning." Phil shrugged, smiling fondly at me. I shook my head.

"No, I want to make you romantic heart shaped pancakes in celebration of releasing our book." I stated sternly.

Phil rolled his eyes but the smile never left his face. "Dan, it's fine really. I appreciate the thought but I think eating your cereal is romantic enough." Phil winked making me grin.

"I'm going to go get flour." I announced and went off to our room to get changed.

"Dan!" Phil called, giggling as he followed me into our room. It was originally his room and I only sleep with him - I have my own room so the fans or people who stay over don't get suspicious. "You don't have to go out into the freezing cold morning for me, honest." Phil grinned.

"You're always happy for me to go get the mail though." I retorted and he glared at me playfully.

"I'll be quick don't worry. If I'm not back in an hour you can call the police." I teased. He shook his head and smiled.

"Hurry back." He said softly and kissed me on the lips as I made my way to the front door. I found and paid for the flour quickly - even buying a heart shaped cookie cutter to help make our pancakes more romantic. I left the shop with a spring in my step, not being able to wait to get home to Phil and have a lovey pancake-y morning with anime, cuddles and kisses.

I was so distracted by the thought that I didn't notice the synchronized footsteps behind me or the two men in dark suits in front of me making their way towards me. I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I frowned and turned to tell that person to fuck off when the two men in front of me grabbed me from behind, one hand going round my mouth and the rest wrapping round and restraining my body.

I screamed into the hand but it was muffled and struggled against their hold as I was dragged down a side alleyway to a black van which was waiting. I stared in fear as another man in a black suit jumped out the driver's seat on the van and slammed it shut, making me flinch in heir hold. They let my mouth go and quickly shoved a rag in there to keep me from shouting out. I was suddenly immersed in darkness as a sack was put over my head and I struggled in their grip - I had to get back to Phil although the back with the flour and heart shaped cookie cutter had fallen out of my grip when the men had grabbed me.

They carried me as I blindly tried to escape before I was thrown, presumably, into the back of the van, yelping as my head hit the cold hard floor. One of the men grabbed me and made me sit against the side of the van as the sound of slamming doors made me jump. "Sweet dreams." The man smirked before there was a blow to the side of my head. The pain numbed as I drifted off into unconsciousness.

~

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" I screamed as I woke up. I was sweating badly and my whole body was shaking in terror. Something felt so real and familiar about the situation.

"DAN?!" Emma exclaimed as she switched the lamp on. "What's wrong?" She asked in shock as I looked over at her tired form. I knew I probably looked terrible but I tried to brush it off - I didn't want her worrying about me, especially since I couldn't tell her what was going on.

"O-oh I'm fine Em, honest. I-I just had a nightmare is all." I stuttered, brushing my hair back and trying to stop shaking.

"Jesus, that must have been one hell of a nightmare. What was it about?" She asked curiously.

"Don't worry about it hun. I can't really even remember it, besides I feel wide awake now and I'm fine." I tried to reassure but on the inside I was freaking out.

"Are you sure?" She double checked. "You look pretty freaked."

"I'm fine, honestly. Get some rest, I'm going to go take a shower." I confirmed and kissed her cheek before hurrying to the bathroom. I nearly screamed again when I saw myself in the mirror. I looked as white as a sheet and was sweating pretty badly. "What the fuck just happened?" I thought in confusion. Something wrong had happened in my fantasy world and I was terrified for the first time. Something was telling me it was real - that it had really happened yet there I was standing in my bathroom in real life.

I had a shower - trying to calm myself down. I tried my best to fake being alright through the morning as Emma and I ate breakfast together like we normally did. "Just relax Dan. Everything is fine. It isn't real." I told myself as I pulled my shoes and jacket on.

"Have a lovely day at work." Emma smiled and kissed me quickly.

"Bye." I smiled and quickly walked to my car. Something felt different - like the atmosphere around me had changed. I shook my head. "It's just in your head Dan." I tried to convince myself. Throughout the drive I felt a feeling of dread - something about those men in black suits was making me scared and paranoid as I eyed every man on the pavement who wore a black suit.

I sighed and slowed to a stop at the next red light, rubbing my temples to try calm down. I glanced out the window but my heart skipped a beat and my went wide.

It's him.

Immediately I reversed a little and pulled up at the side of the road - not caring if I got a ticket. A man with black hair was moving in the opposite direction as me. I only got a glance at his face but I was sure it was him. I swallowed, hoping I hadn't made a mistake and only imagined it. I squeezed through the crowd, trying to catch up to him as he walked through smaller streets and roads until he slowed to a stop at a dead end.

I approached wearily as he was facing the other way. I swallowed and, trying not to look creepy, cleared my throat. "Hello?" I asked and the man's body stiffened. Slowly he turned around and my jaw nearly hit the floor and my eyeballs nearly bulged out their sockets. "Phil?" I breathed in disbelief.

Phil smiled his beautiful smile as tears formed in his eyes - the image tugged at my heart strings. He looked so happy and reached out, delicately cupping my cheek as if he was scared I'd break under his touch. My cheek tingled and I was shocked at how warm and familiar it felt there. All I felt like doing was crying and falling into his arms for some reason.

"Please wake up Dan." Phil suddenly choked out, tears escaping his eyes. I frowned in confusion.

"But ... I am awake." I replied, my voice hardly there.

Phil whimpered a little and more tears spilled out his eyes. My heart ached seeing him in pain - my Phil. He was real but he was crying. "I love you." He whispered and leaned towards me. My breath caught in my throat as his lips inched closer to mine. At first my mind went to Emma and how I would be cheating on her ... yet haven't I been cheating on Phil in a way? However all sense left my brain when his lips finally connected with mine.

They were soft and warm and oh-so familiar. It send tingles through out my whole body and it felt so right - very different to when I kissed Emma. When he kissed me I felt complete and whole and safer than I'd ever felt. The sensation was so weird but I wanted to hang onto it forever.

I felt the familiar butterflies in my stomach as his his lips caressed mine and my hands slid round his waist to keep him in place. I never wanted him to leave. I couldn't even feel the oxygen in my lungs run scarce but even so the warmth of his lips left mine eventually and I immediately hated their absence. Slowly, I opened my eyes but was shocked to find Phil no longer where he had been.

I whipped my head in all directions but there was no sign of him. "PHIL!" I shrieked, feeling panicked. "He can't leave! I have questions!" I thought as I frantically jogged up the street, calling his name and looking round every corner. I felt an overwhelming feeling of loss like I'd experienced it once before. "Am I going crazy?" I thought in concern once I made it back to my car. "But, his lips felt so real ..."

I groaned and jumped in my car - no way was I going to work. I quickly called James and told him I was off sick and were to do the rehearsal without me. He was pissed but I was shaken up and was in no state to try focus on work. I floored it home and burst through the door.

"How was work love?" Emma called from the kitchen.

I froze once again. "Alright, what the fuck is going on?" I thought in confusion. I had been gone an hour at the most - she knew I usually got home around five. Out of curiosity I went to see what would happen if I pretended everything was normal. "Great as always." I replied, walking in and kissing her on the cheek. I stared at her warily as I took a seat at the dining table.

"It's fish and chips for dinner tonight." She explained and continued to cook. My eyes widened - what was happening? I abruptly stood up and walked over to her. I narrowed my eyes and grabbed her arms, spinning her around. She looked shocked for a moment before raising an eyebrow.

"Why do you keep saying that?" I asked suspiciously.

"Saying what?" She asked with a concerned expression.

"Every time I come home you ask me the same question every time - the exact same words and then when I come into the kitchen you always announce what we're having for dinner. Why are you always in the kitchen and why didn't you realize that it's not five and only been an hour since I left?" I asked firmly. Something was going on and I intended to find out.

"I don't know what you mean." Emma cocked her head to the side. I frowned and released her.

"Something's not right." I said aloud to myself and raked a hand through my hair.

"What's not right?" She asked but the smile on her face made me uneasy.

"Answer me this - and be truthful. Are you Emma Lockely Howell?" I asked with cold eyes.

"How was work love?"She asked and my eyebrows furrowed.

"What?"

"Tonight we're having Bolognaise - your favourite." She smiled.

"What is wrong with you?" I raised my voice.

"What do you- how was work- macaroni cheese." She seemed to glitch. I backed away slowly - something was definitely not right and I had to get the fuck out of there.

I ran out the kitchen and out the front door. "Have a lovely day at work!" I heard her call after me.

"What the fuck happened to her?" I thought in fear as I ran down the street to the park to think. As I walked by everyone seemed to stare at me as I walked until I slowed down and looked at all of them in confusion. "What?" I asked aloud.

"How was work love?" The nearest woman asked and my breath hitched and my mouth dropped open in fear.

"What the fuck is happening?" I stuttered as every one's eyes followed me as I ran through everyone.

"We'll be running through scene 2 today - fish and chips - would you like to watch Adventure Time?" Two teenage girls asked and seemed to glitch. I backed away in fear. I had no idea what was going on but I was scared to hell.

"Leave me alone!" I shouted and ran into the trees - hiding from every one else. "What is wrong with everyone? Is this some sick joke?" I thought in terror as some people walked past.

Suddenly Phil's words sounded in my head again, "Please wake up Dan!"

"BUT I'M NOT DREAMING?" I shouted into the air. "Where are you Phil? I need you." I whimpered and curled up into a ball. Everything seemed wrong - my perfect world was crumbling around me ... but was it ever perfect without Phil in it?

"What if this is a dream?" I whispered and looked up at the trees around me. I narrowed my eyes and focused hard and after a moment of concentration - I saw it. It was brief but I saw it. There was a glitch - like pixels in a computer screen. "None of this is real - it can't be." I turned back and looked out at the park and tensed up when even from a distance they were still watching me - every single person.

I gulped. "How do you wake up from a dream when it feels like reality?" I thought shakily and tried to ignore the stares boring into me. I groaned in frustration as I closed my eyes and tried to wake up. "Wake up! Wake up! WAKE UP!" I chanted, burying my head in my knees.

I opened them again and felt my heart drop as my surroundings stayed the same. "LET ME WAKE UP!" I screamed out i frustration. I blinked and for a second I saw Phil's bright blue eyes. "Phil?" I whimpered but there was no reply, no appearance, no nothing.

I rested my head back on the tree in defeat. "I don't want to be here anymore." I sighed in misery, looking up at the blue sky that seemed to stand still - the clouds didn't even move. Suddenly a frightening thought crossed my mind. "You can't die in a dream right?"

I swallowed and got to my feet ... if it got me out then I was willing to try anything. I didn't want to spend a moment longer in that world. I shakily got to my feet, trying not to let my knees buckle beneath me as I walked back through the park towards the road.

As I was leaving the park I caught sight of the only person who wasn't looking in my direction and found it was Lucy. "Lucy?" I asked and she turned round in surprise.

"Dan? What's going on?" She asked with fear in her eyes.

"Lucy, answer me this. Do you think this world is reality?" I asked.

"What? of course it ... no. It isn't." She suddenly gasped and then she was looking at me with the same blank expression as everyone else.

"That settles it then." I breathed out and saw an oncoming car. "Fuck , I hope this works." I chuckled humorously and quickly stepped onto the road. There was no screeching of tires as the continued to drive forward with no change in the pace until finally it reached me.

~

A bright white light. Isn't that what you see before you die? What about crying? Do you hear crying before you die? Because that's what I saw and heard. I blinked a few times before scrunching my eyes up and darted them around.

I gawped as I took in a blurry image of a white room. I listened to the sobbing and frowned, twisting my neck to see where the noise came from. My heart leaped when I saw a black haired man crying beside my bedside. I was in hospital.

"Phil?" I croaked and the man's head immediately lifted from his arms and he stared up at me with blood shot blue eyes and tears running down his cheeks.

"DAN!" Phil exclaimed and a smile broke out on his face. He lunged forward and brought me into a tight hug. I returned the gesture gripping onto him tightly. "You're awake." He choked in happiness and I felt some of my own tears escape my eyes.

"Y-you're real." I stuttered, happy to have him in my arms again.

"Of course I'm real." He chuckled but the moment was cut short as a few doctors and nurses barged into the room.

"Sir, we need you to go wait in the waiting room." They told Phil.

"No! I need to be with him." Phil protested.

"Please sir, we need to check for any brain damage." The doctor urged. Phil was about to argue again but held his tongue and looked at me with an apologetic look.

He sighed and kissed my cheek, "I'll be right back okay?"

"Don't go!" I whimpered - I had just gotten him back, I needed him close.

"I'll be right back, I promise!" He smiled and pecked my lips before leaving, giving me a worried glance over his shoulder.

"Please be calm, we're here to help." One of the nurses spoke up as I started to hyperventilate a little.

"Do you remember how you got here?"The doctor asked. I was about to shake my head but remembered the other reality. Didn't I dream something?

"Maybe ... I th-think s-someone grabbed me and put a sack over my head when I went to the shops to get flour." I frowned.

"That's correct, mr Lester explained that you went out and didn't return. Tell me honestly, do you remember where you've been for the last few months?" The doctor asked seriously.

"I-I was in another world. Everything was different u-until things seemed to glitch and bug out. I heard Phil's voice and other people talking about a survivor yesterday." I answered honestly.

"Now, mr Howell. What I'm about to tell you might come as a shock."

~

Phil was finally aloud back in the room and I was still staring at the wall in shock. I had been kidnapped by an secret organisation and put me under an illegal experiment. Apparently there were three others - they were called Andrew, Kade and Sally. Apparently they put us under a simulation to put us into a 'dream world' and register our emotions and reactions. Apparently we had been gone for about four months.

"Are you feeling okay?" Phil asked softly - taking my hand in his. I snapped out of it and turned back to him, relaxing as I saw his comforting blue eyes.

"I'm recovering." I decided on and smiled at him. He stroked over my knuckles and traced my palm. The smile on his face began to vanish.

"I saw what was set as your dream world ... you- um, I mean were you happy with ... Emma?" He asked, swallowing straight after and not looking in my eyes once. I felt panic rise in me at the thought of Phil thinking I didn't want him because I wanted him more than anything in the world.

"I thought I did ... but it was all fake. Is there anything about what I dreamed about in that world?" I asked.

"No, that was a fault in the simulation. They couldn't see what you dreamed about." He mumbled, still playing with my hand and avoiding eye contact.

"Do you know what I dreamed about Phil?" I asked, lifting his chin up so his eyes connected with mine.

"I dreamed about our memories together in this world. I dreamed about our first kiss, our first time meeting, our first YouTube video together and even cute dates we've had in the past. Even though I didn't know who you were, I fell in love with you and with our memories together. They felt real and I every night I fell more in love with my dream world and less with Emma and what I thought was reality. I love you Phil and no simulation can stop that." I stated firmly.

Tears leaked from his eyes and he had the biggest smile on his face. "I love you ... and I've missed you so fucking much!" Phil beamed and pulled me into a perfect kiss.

"I missed you too, I love you!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh my fucking god - that took ages! I kind of like the new writing page for editing and creating chapters but it's making my computer slow as fuck so it literally took like two hours to write just the last 1000 words.

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/13517850
Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/137835063279/insomniac-phan

~HelloAnonymousWriter~