Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-man (Tom Holland Movies)

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Characters: Tony Stark | Iron Man, James Rhodes | War Machine, Peter Parker | Spider-man, Sam Wilson | Falcon

Tags: Peter is a little shit, Stark Industries, Tired Tony Stark, Irondad

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Here's the thing: if there's one thing that Tony Stark is insanely protective over, it's his precious son, Peter Parker.

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Peter Parker was chaos incarnate and it takes a LOT just to get a handle on the child. Normally, he was fine. It's just that Peter could hold a grudge. And though Tony didn't know if the Avengers did something in the past few months, they could have. As such, when Pepper and Tony leave Peter in the care of the New Avengers while May and Happy were out on a date made Tony a little skeptical.

It's not that he thinks Peter would do some really weird, out there shit while he was gone. He knew that Peter would do some really weird, out there shit.

Which was why he assembled the Avengers in the meeting room right before they left lugging identical copies of a really big fat book.

To be more specific, he was lugging copies of the well-known Peter Parker rulebook. Now, this specific rulebook was one that had been updated on a weekly basis since last year. It is the epitome of Tony's stress, and hard work. A physical embodiment of the stupidity of Peter Parker.

It was passed around in Stark Industries for a while. Now, it was the Avengers' turn.

Hopefully, they don't die.

Hopefully.

Dropping the books on the table, Tony sighed, "Okay, pass these around. They are important."

Flipping through his copy, Sam's head was filled with questions. What the fuck? "Tony, what is this?"

Waving a hand, Tony turns to the hologram presenting the words, 'Peter Parker Rulebook for dummies'. He said, "What is says on the tin. Pepper and I are leaving in a few minutes and Happy and May are off frolicking and doing things that I refuse to think about. As such, you, the Avengers, will be tasked with the important mission of handling Peter Parker."

Gazing at the group of confused superheroes, Tony couldn't help but feel a rush of vindictive glee. These people gave him so many gray hairs and now, it was their turn.

Turning a page, Rhodey couldn't help but feel like Tony was overreacting. "Tones, you're thinking too deeply into this. It's just as few weeks. What could go wrong?"

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Peter Parker Rulebook for dummies: Vol 1

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1. When Peter invites you out to hang out with the words, 'come dressed to kill,' it is NOT, in fact, an invitation for murder.

2. Yes, Peter will read out every single thing you complained about which he somehow managed to gather via spyders when someone asks him to pass the salt. No, it does NOT end well. I'm looking at you, Wilson.

3. As a follow up, no, Peter is not, in fact, all-knowing. He just has a lot of information. There's a difference. SI employees, please do not call him the following words:

          a. My liege

          b. All-knowing one

          c. God

          d. His Majesty

          e. His Excellency

          f. Almighty one

          g. Jesus

          h. Supreme being

          i. Oh, celestial being

4. Alternatively, please stop saying 'mother of Peter', 'oh my Peter', 'Sweet baby Peter', 'holy Peter', 'Pepper Potts, mother of god', or any other variation of said exclamations to replace 'oh my god'. It's weird.

5. If you somehow make Peter angry and subsequently, lose track of him, the following places are ideal starting points to search:

          a. The roof. For some reason, he believes that his spider DNA makes him scary when he's brooding. Yes, it works. Peter staring at you without blinking while sticking to the wrong side of the roof is creepy.

                     i. Important: do NOT scream. He is sensitive to sound. Please just freak out internally.

          b. The vents. After sufficient brooding, he will make ghost sounds. They're surprisingly realistic. Don't fall for it.

          c. Closet 54. Don't ask. I know it's filled with various things. Don't. Ask.

6. Sometimes, Peter would make custom badges for made-up accomplishments. No, I have not the faintest clue why he does it. I suggest you do not try to figure out why. I nearly had an aneurism.

7. That said, the badges are not, in fact, real, and do not apply in the real world. I don't care if he gave you the 'best dresser' award, Emman. You serve lunch. Specifically, salads. Alone. What did you think it was about?

8. The statement, 'it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission' does NOT apply to Peter, no matter how long he stares at you with his wide puppy dog eyes. He WILL find a way to burn down the lab. Do not fold.

9. On rare occasions, Peter would find himself filled with anger. He deals with it using two (2) ways. One, by going out to brood (see: number 7 for more information) or, two, by asking his spider army to weave threatening messages to the following people:

          a. Steve Rogers

          b. Eugene 'Flash' Thompson

          c, That one rude delivery guy

          d. Ross

          e. Nick Fury

          f. Donald Trump

          g. Oscorpe. Not the CEO. The Building. (See: 'here lies the spiders' souls' spyder threat of July 9)

10. When Peter says, 'he'll just El Chapo his way out of there,' he will, in fact, find a way to escape from the situation, escape artist style, by sheer force of will, faith and a spoon. I've already tried to stop him. It does NOT work. Don't bother.

11. Peter has the uncanny ability to convince people to do weird things. Do everything you can to stop him. Loki and Thor, I am, once again, reminding you that even though Peter said so, mountains are NOT, in fact, challenges to your honor. Do not level them.

12. SI Interns, I know that talking to an electric fan makes your voice sound weird and it's kinda cool. Making an extra huge electric fan exclusively for that purpose, however, while cool, literally, is not essential to your work flow. Even if Peter says so. Especially if Peter says so.

13. Do not encourage Peter to scream right after he wakes up because and I quote, "Roosters do that too." I'm looking at you, intern heads. That's called fucking bullshit and I WILL find a way to put you all in jail one of these days.

14. Do not tell Peter to avenge you when someone does something to you that is INCONSEQUENTIAL. Please learn to discern. Peter has a habit of collecting information and WILL cite facts about their person for intimidation purposes.

          a. Doing that to your childhood bully is fine. Making him do that to the president of the United States is not.

15. Sam, please stop acting as if cooking eggs traumatize you because your hero name is Falcon. I caught Peter at 4 am cooking eggs wearing a ski mask, sobbing, because he thought you'd be offended if he cooked it when you were awake and saw him.

16. Please tell Peter that adding a tarantula version to his spyder army is NOT a good idea and if anyone says otherwise, sleep with one eye open, you fucking asshole.

17. Peter must not go without sleep for at most, 5 days. It takes 5 days to turn his 'mildly jittery' self to 'shaking like a leaf due to moral dilemmas and existential crises'.

18. Sometimes, Peter will warn you about something he did while at the same time, deciding to try out a new language. Proceed with caution.

19. To whom it may concern, most especially to specific SI employees (you know who you are), stop trying to submit Peter to an art gallery. I get it, my son is hot.

20. Alternatively, please stop bringing around a thermometer to try and measure why Peter is 'too hot for this world.' I know you are committed to the pursuit of knowledge but that just isn't how things work.

21. When Peter is tired enough of your bullshit, he will stop caring and proceed to give you an existential crisis. Don't take it to heart. If you do, you might just question your life's purpose and quit to go farm rice. (see: Appendix A, General Ross for more information)

22. If you find someone trying to ask Peter out, ask FRIDAY to run the fucking murder protocol Don't ask questions.

23. Alternatively, if you find that Peter is sad, do everything in your power to make him happy. Ask FRIDAY to run the peter pan protocol. Rewards include: world peace.

24. Peter loathes decaf coffee with a passion. Don't try giving it to him. He will stare at you ominously for the next few months.

25. When Peter calls you by your full name without any honorifics and a smile, run.

26. If Peter asks to hang out with either (1) Shuri, (2) Wade Wilson, or (3) Harley Keener, make sure that there is at least one (1) responsible adult present.

          a. Note: T'challa will almost always not answer the call.

27. If Peter asks to hang out with Ned Leeds, it is fine as long as he isn't carrying any of the following on his person:

          a. Flame throwers

          b. Crystals

          c. Beheaded dolls

          d. See Appendix B, the exorcism of Donald Trump prank of September 2 for more information

28. Stop Peter at the third honorific. Hearing him call T'challa, Mr. King, Your Majesty, Black Panther of Wakanda, T'challa sir among other equally long honorifics was embarrassing enough.

29. Peter is not allowed into the lab at 2 to 5 AM unless (1) a nuclear missile is about to go off and he has the means to prevent it, (2) a medical emergency, or (3) an apocalypse. Otherwise, firmly refuse.

30. Make sure that Peter eats.

31. For clarification, make sure that Peter eats something edible. Definitely NOT a skittles and blueberry pancake.

32. It seems I wasn't clear enough. When you see Peter put KETCHUP on fucking ICE CREAM, you tell him it's called sinning and recommend a PRIEST (See: Appendix B, in case of exorcism or sinning, Pastor John), definitely do NOT shrug and walk away. Yes, I mean you, Rhodey.

33. Make sure to ask Peter if he had any injuries during patrol immediately after he arrives. He WILL try to hide injuries and would rather bleed out than ask for help.

34. Make sure that Peter does NOT engage the president of the United States in a conversation about world domination. Think of it as your duty as a hero to save the world. He WILL find a way to convince the president to give up his position.

35. Do not allow Peter to talk about the following topics, he nearly convinced me that Big Foot was real and is actually living in Canada.

          a. Mothman

          b. Big foot

          c. If we're all living in a computer simulation

          d. Cats wondering why humans steal their shit

          e. The asteroid having the highest ratio of killing birds with one stone when it killed the dinosaurs

          f. Kool-aid man having an exoskeleton

          g. If Groot is actually god (damn you, Flash Thompson)

36. Do not allow Peter to have a speaker and microphone that exceeds 120 dB. He will say 'congratulations to Mr. Reed for being the first being to escape the computer simulation.' It won't end well. He thinks that because he thought about it, the rest of the world should too. Just. No.

37. Don't always believe what you're told. Double check. The Big Foot does not exist in Canada, no matter how many times Peter tries to convince you otherwise.

38. Sometimes, Peter will interpret your star sign for shits and giggles. It's all fun and games until he accurately tells the future. Stop him. I'm afraid he will receive heavenly retribution if he goes too far.

39. When Peter talks politics, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES, will there be anyone who will say that they like Donald Trump. It doesn't end well.

40. Yes, SI employees, Peter can carry you, princess style, anywhere. Yes, he will not refuse because he's kind like that. That does NOT mean that you should ask him every time. You aren't subtle.

41. That said, do not openly flirt with him. He will shut down.

42. Sometimes, Peter likes to paint buildings of random things. No, they are not up for sale, even if that first guy bought the NYC skyline painting for 5 million dollars. Do not accept bribes.

43. Drax, stop convincing Peter that staying absolutely still for a certain amount of time will make him invisible. I had to deal with Peter hanging off the ceiling, eerily staring at me, for 3 hours because of you.

44. Try to convince Peter that screaming expletives at every failed experiment is not good.

45. I retract the previous statement, please tell Peter that trying to smile while he's raging inside is bad for the economy. I acknowledge that it is theoretically effective against criminals, thank you intern heads, but Peter still looks like he'd eat someone's child and I advise against it.

46. The following games during SI Intern Night is prohibited:

           a. Yo Mama Jokes. You've met Pepper. Is that really what you want to go against? Life is beautiful, folks. Don't waste it.

           b. Spin the bottle. Under no circumstances will any of you bastards somehow con my child into kissing you. Over my dead body.

           c. Truth or Dare. I will not bust you out of jail a fourth time.

           d. Would You Rather. Come on, you're a room full of scientists and, most importantly, on break. Do you really need to argue about the pros and cons of each choice before making an educated choice using probability and statistics? You don't have to go that hard.

           e. Bowling. Do you really want Peter to wreck another bowling alley from excitement? Having the entirety of SI sign NDAs was hard enough. We don't need to broadcast his identity as Spider-man, thank you very much.

           f. Pillow Forts. I know you're engineers and like to make pillow forts that resemble the White House but, seriously, try to remember to build an exit, yes? Stop making Peter call me when you don't have a way out but still don't want to wreck the fort. I had to calculate the structural integrity of pillows. It felt like a disgrace to my education.

            g. Mario Kart. Did you have to threaten each other with baseball bats after Amy threw a shell? Really? Come on, once again, you're grown adults.

          h. Cards against Humanity. Do I even have to state why?

          i. Twister. Every single one of you are so competitive that Peter nearly dislocated a shoulder and still tried to keep going. Just, why?

          j. Beyblade tournaments. Again, we get it, you're engineers. That does not mean you have to give your beyblade a flame thrower so that it can melt your opponent. It's a spinning top. I don't care if Peter started upgrading first.

47. Eddie, just because everyone is aware that Venom is slightly unhinged does NOT mean that you should go around and allow him to tell people (see: Peter Parker) very disconcerting stories of your life. Even if it's true. Especially if it's true.

48. Please tell Peter to stop loudly chanting Latin verses while walking in front of Natasha during visits to Wakanda. She knows Latin. She knows he isn't summoning a demon from the depths of hell.

49. Bucky, stop giving Pepper a murderous stare. No matter how many times Peter convinced you that we didn't allow him to have a cat, that is FALSE. He is allowed to have a cat. What he isn't allowed to have is 36 cats, 5 dogs and 3 crabs that he found while he was on patrol. We have enough animals in the compound.

50. No, having mice is worse. You've seen Peter. Do you really think they're for scientific purposes?!

51. I have been reminded to write on paper that calling Dr. Strange every time you have a question about anything mildly supernatural and/or occult is not advisable. Even if Peter wants to know what the various crystals do. Internet exists.

52. Please never let Peter convince Wong to try and dance the song, Single Ladies, with him ever again.

53. I take that back. Peter can dance Single Ladies with Wong any time he wants as long as he gives his word that he will never convince Wong to cosplay Destiny's Child with him and Ned ever again. I can't listen to Say My Name the same way for the rest of my life.

54. Walking on ceilings during day time where SI employees can see you is NOT an effective way to hide your identity. Not even if he puts double sided tape on the bottom of his shoes.

55. Loki, I don't know why you decided to teach my child to lurk in dark corners and mutter something that I won't even begin to try and type out. The amount of letters in that one word astounds me. Point is, meet me in the helipad, you fucking asshole. Let's have a fist fight.

56. Ned, Shuri, stop convincing Peter to do increasingly stupid things for 'the vine'.

57. It seems I was a little unclear. Stop convincing Peter to convince other people to do increasingly stupid things for 'the vine'. It's dead. Deal with it.

58. Whoever leads the Peter Parker fan club, you know who you are, please use a silent camera. Also, raise the price. 5 dollars for three photos? Really? My child is worth more than that. That said, I reserve the right to have them for free. Non-negotiable. And sell them to SI employees exclusively.

59. SI employees, please stop playing sexy music every time Peter walks into the lab. I know he has bulging muscles. No, stop thirsting after my son.

60. SI employees, stop convincing the newbies that it is a requirement that they join the cult of Peter Parker if they want to work here. That's illegal.

61. Peter Parker is not, in fact, Jesus.

62. T'challa, tell your sister that enabling Peter's tendency to post real life quotes of the Avengers in his 'not New Avengers' tumblr account is getting weird. Stephen has committed to being mute for the time being. Sam is convinced that it's Google Earth. They're spiraling. Please do something about this.

63. I did NOT mean that you ship your sister to America. I have enough chaos children as it is. Damn it, T'challa.

64. Do NOT allow Peter to adopt another alpaca. Gerry already has FIVE alpaca siblings and is living a peaceful life in the compound. He does NOT need more. I don't care if it's cute.

65. Sam, stop riling Peter up by purposely saying incorrect Star Wars facts.

66. Logan, I don't care if you're an In the Heights fanatic, stop convincing Peter to reenact Benny and Nina's When the Sun Goes Down. Even though he can, that doesn't mean he should.

67. Stephen, stop convincing Peter to become a wizard. It's not going to work. Find your own protegee.

68. Wong, don't listen to Peter. Shaving all your hair off will NOT let you channel the Ancient One's spirit. Even if both of you would be bald, it won't happen. That's not how it works. Deal with it.

69. Bruce, even if it's for, and I quote, 'science', DO NOT LISTEN TO PETER when he says you should test out if his metabolism can metabolize alcohol. You're just the weakest willed one in the compound. Don't give him alcohol.

70. Ned Leeds WILL do anything for Star Wars merchandise. Even if that's allowing Peter to do something he shouldn't. Do NOT trust him.

71. As a follow up, MJ is the only responsible teenager in Peter's friend group. Trust no one else. Even if Harley looks responsible, he isn't.

72. Peter has a tendency to adopt live crabs. Do NOT cook seafood with live crabs if he is in the room. He will cry.

73. Mantis, Peter's just joking. He doesn't actually eat bugs.

74. Rocket, please stop asking Peter to make you a metal arm. How would you even use that?!

75. Yes, Peter is that type of shopper. For some reason, he hasn't quite grasped the fact that he is the son of a billionaire and, consequently, rich. He will still pay for groceries with coupons that he painstakingly collected over the past month. It's his pride. Don't comment on it.

76. Ned, can you please stop enabling Peter? I don't care how many star wars merchandise he promised you. I'll double it. Just please, I thought both of you were geniuses. How did you even manage to get kicked out of central park. It's literally public property!

77. Although saving bees are important, please, for the love of all things holy and some things not, someone convince Peter that bees DO NOT need to have nectar guns and he shouldn't make them. THE BEE MOVIE IS INACCURATE. Honestly, for a genius, he's so dumb sometimes.

78. Being a spider does NOT mean that he should stick to the ceiling while eating at 3 AM in the morning. That said, in case Peter falls asleep on said ceiling, ask FRIDAY to lead you to closet 24. there's a broom attached to sticks, attached to more sticks. It's made exclusively for Peter. Whack him with it. Gently.

79. As a follow up, Wilson, I swear to god, just because I gave you wings does NOT mean that you should use them to fly and get Peter. My chandelier is there for a reason and it is NOT meant to be anywhere other than the ceiling.

80. Sam, eating that much protein powder can't possibly be good for you. Please remember that Peter has an enhanced metabolism.

81. Bucky, don't encourage Sam. That's called stupidity.

82. MJ, please convince Peter and Ned that just because Ned's called the guy in the chair does not mean he should be a guy inside of a chair. Harley, stop enabling them. You're making it worse.

83. Don't get Peter's food without permission. This is important. He holds grudges.

84. When people say that Peter Parker's abs are worthy of a virgin sacrifice, that does not mean to sacrifice an actual virgin. It's called a figure of speech. Damn it, SI Interns. At this point, I'm starting to think you lose your genius brains the moment you step out of the lab.

85. Duct tape does NOT fix everything. Peter just likes them because they're sticky, no matter what he says otherwise. Please limit him to two rolls a day.

86. To the intern heads, when your interns suggest mattress surfing as an event during intern night, you do not agree. I don't care if Peter gives the ok. We all know he sticks to things. The other interns do not. The last one caused three (3) concussions.

87. MJ, tell the students of Midtown to stop asking Peter to fix their cars in the parking lot. I don't care if Peter looks hot while he's greasy. Either ask him out and sleep with one eye open or move on, you cowards.

88. Loki, when Peter asks if the battle of 2012 was just another way to show brotherly affection, you say no. Stop smiling ambiguously. People died, you know. Children look up to you, do you know that? Peter looks up to you. I don't want to wake up to Peter reenacting the battle of 2012 to show Harley how much brotherly affection he has for him.

89. DO NOT ALLOW PETER TO BITE KIT-KATS OFF AS A WHOLE. WHAT THE FUCK. THAT ISN'T EATING. THAT'S CALLED FUCKING BLASPHEMY.

90. Someone, please, convince Peter to STOP LOOKING AT AN OTHERWISE UNSEEN OBJECT and act like he's talking to a camera and starring in The Office and saying, "this is it, narrator. This is my villain origin story" when something mildly inconvenient happens to him. It is disconcerting.

91. Also, to whoever told Peter to wink every time he lifts something, I hope you know that you deserve what you got. I did not need to know what 38 interns screeching in tandem sounds like.

92. To the intern heads, I'm looking at you, Peter Parker, that introduced subway surfer night, you are on thin fucking ice. I swear, I don't want to know why all the interns play subway surfer so aggressively. I don't want to know how you got yourselves arrested because you were playing subway surfer. Just don't call me when you do.

93. If you get yourself arrested for things that isn't murder, arson or other crimes of that sort, call Peter. He's got the NYPD wrapped around his finger.

94. When Peter says he has a solution, please remember to ask what it is. If it involves fire, firmly refuse.

95. When Peter says he's going out to shoot the shit, he means he's going out to shoot the shit. He's a regular at the gun range in Queens and has a loathing for pictures of politicians (excluding the president). Yes, that also means that when he's staring at you, he might be contemplating whether he should shoot you or not. Food for thought.

96. When Peter says he's cold, he's cold. So, unless you want a hibernating spider, I suggest you give him a heater. Yes, this applies to cold showers and air-conditioned rooms. Don't ask how I know that.

97. Do NOT allow Shuri and/or T'challa to bribe Peter into staying in Wakanda permanently using technology and food. He's my protegee, goddamnit.

98. For some reason, Peter has realized that it is, in fact, scarier to find out that Peter is nowhere to be seen than anything else. I suspect it's the spider DNA.

99. As a follow-up, to the person who told him, I will find you. Do not doubt it.

100. If all else fails, try Thai food.

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And as the Avengers talk Peter out of yet another stupid experiment only to do another stupid thing, they couldn't help but think about Rhodey's words at the start of the week.

What could go wrong?

Well...

Everything.

Sighing, Rhodey covered his eyes with his hand and sprawled out on the floor. Tony and Pepper couldn't come home fast enough.

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(They miss the vindictive glee in the smile of one Peter Parker.

It's not that he liked stressing people out.

It's just that Peter had been biding his time. Four months ago, these very same Avengers finished his pot of curry without asking and he had been waiting for this moment.

Karma was a bitch.

And that bitch was named Peter Parker.)

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Author's Note: this was originally posted on AO3 on July 14, 2021. constructive criticism and feedback are appreciated! if you have any prompts or requests, hmu! <3