07/09/17

Peter,
        I'm replaceable, it's who I am. I don't think you realize what it feels like to be replaced by someone better than you. I'm annoying Peter, and I get that. Every time I felt like I needed you, you pulled in a different direction. I don't think you meant to cut me out of your life—or at least I hope you didn't. Since you've left it feels like everything is getting harder in life.
        Life, it isn't getting easier, but I keep telling myself that it'll all eventually work out—because it has to. The pain that you've left behind with me feels like it's going to last forever, and I know that it won't, but it doesn't feel like that.
        All these things have begun to go wrong since you've left. Life is just happening so fast, and it feels like there's no way out. But I'm trying to prove to myself that I can handle it because I am strong, and I am brave—or at least I hope that I am.
        I'm not going to waste any time trying to be somebody else for you, that's not who I am. Because the things that you don't like about me, the things that make me strange, make me powerful.
        I'm not going to be anybody but myself. I've also now realized that any feeling I feel is meaningful, and any thought my mind has is extremely important. I've learned not to trust someone so easily. That I should speak my mind when I have a suspicion about someone. That if I can take it, I can make it. That I should believe that I can because everyone else does.
        I'm done with New York, I had the time of my life here with you. That's exactly why I don't think I could imagine myself here, not having you by my side. I can't imagine hearing your name—or better yet, Spider-Man's name on the news all the time.
        This city is your's Peter, and I can't be here if it means constantly running into you.

        I'm thankful for everything that you and May offered me throughout our time together. I'll never forget getting the infamous "Nathan Dog" with you guys on 86th street. Or the larb place we went to on 9th avenue when May constantly messed up a recipe she was trying out for the first time. Please tell May that I adore her for putting up with me constantly taking pictures of her.
      I don't know if you find it weird that I'm giving all these pictures back to you, but you know that I can't keep them because that hurts too much.

        I'll never forget you directing your first big film in May's apartment. That day, you let me be there and get in the way with my camera because I wanted to document that important event. I knew how much it meant to you and May; I made sure to capture the moment so that we could one day reminisce about it. I guess I never thought that I'd be doing it in such a negative way.

        Remember when I met Ned's family for the first time after our Homecoming dance? I wouldn't ever want to forget that night—you looked incredible in your suit, and Ned's siblings were beyond adorable. The picture definitely doesn't do the experience justice.

         I'll admit this day was one to remember. It was the first time you introduced me to Mr. Stark—the day summer began. He invited you to his house in Midtown because Queens was unbelievably hot that day, and you decided to bring me along. Meeting Tony Stark was the best experience ever, and I'll never forget it. Thank you for that. Pete, there was never a dull moment with you.

       Of course, I couldn't leave out the day we finally convinced Happy to take a picture with you AND smile. To be fair though, I think he was only happy because they moved the new Avengers' head-quarters and he wouldn't have to see you very often.

       The last picture, I give to you with a heavy heart. It was the first time you let me photograph you in your suit—without the mask. You had argued about it before, saying that you were afraid someone would get their hands on my camera and see the picture. So I brushed the topic off for months. Until that day, when we were sitting on the roof of your apartment after our graduation.
I admit I thought it was weird that you even wore the suit that day, but I understood you needed to be prepared. Always.
       We were just sitting there, talking about college and you were glowing; I needed to take a picture of you. You looked incredibly handsome.
The suit always did that to you, it gave you a boost of confidence and I loved that.

       I could go on with the pictures forever, but I realize this letter is getting very long.
       I want to end this letter by saying thank you. Pete, you and New York gave me what no one could. I'll never forget you because I don't think I could ever find someone better—though it seems you've already done both things.
       I hope college treats you well, I know how important school is to you. Evidently, moving-815-miles-away important, but I guess MIT trumps everyone and everything, right?

       I know how much you love music, so I give you one last gift: a mixtape. It's a bit cliché, but then again our relationship always was on the "cheesy" side. I hope you enjoy it, I've come to think of it as the soundtrack of our lives together.

       Anyway, I don't mean to be passive aggressive; but I hope you have fun at college. I hope everyone treats you well. And I'm sorry that this is all over the place, but I wrote it with the intent of not seeming superficial. I wanted it to be genuine, raw and honest.

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i don't know if the whole letter thing is weird. i thought it was cool, but ???

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the soundtrack of your's and peter's lives;
https://open.spotify.com/user/softcap/playlist/7J8xelNyRuocugGoRaSZs1

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