I can't stand the thought of death. And it's been all around my family lately. Please don't let me lose someone close. I couldn't fucking take it. Please God, don't put me through that. You've tested me enough lately haven't you? I already cry every time I think of Shelby. What am I gonna do when Sammy is gone? I can't even lose one of my pets. I can't lose family too. Please don't make me suffer like that. Keep putting me through hell all you need. Keep testing me. Do whatever you need as long as it's to me. But don't take my poppy John, or grandpa, or Nanny, or anyone! Leave uncle Richard alone, leave them all alone please. Take me instead. Do whatever to me instead. I can take it. Just don't make me say a final goodbye to anyone. I'm begging you. I can't do that. I just can't. I'm sorry. You took my brother. You took my moms step dad, I haven't seen him in forever and I'm now regretting it every day. I couldn't say goodbye to him. I wasn't close to him anymore and I wish I was. I wish I could visit him up there, reminisce about when he'd tease me about his missing finger. I could play fetch with both Shelby's, I could tell Maggie that great grandma said hi, and tell jersey about Danny's new puppies and how much he misses him. I could meet Wyatt. See what it's like to have a brother for a few hours. I could tell him about our family. About how much we would have loved him if he could stick around. How much we still love him. I could hold him in my arms, and look him in the eyes and tell myself I have a brother. I could assure myself that when another family member does go, they will be happy. I could live with that. If I could just visit heaven. Just once before my time. Until you let me do that, please don't take anyone from me. Don't crush me. It's all I ask of you. Please God.

Losing them wouldn't be so hard to take, if heaven wasn't so far away.