So this is more or less my life story if I was telling it to a camera...

So....i have this certain mindset I like to use occasionally...where I'm acting loopy or cuddly....like sleep deprivation i suppose. It might be a stressful coping thing but I'm not sure...
Let's start with my childhood.  It was....has normally has could be. I guess. I'm two years older than my brother who's special... Anyways. I for the most part was in grandma and grandpas house growing up,since dad worked weird hours and mom would work late. So we'd stay with them. Though we couldn't after their dog snapped at me...
I don't remember much of my childhood...only bits and peaces... My memory kinda fades everything off after a year or so.
I'm not ungrateful for my childhood of course,I was raised pretty well....but I do wish I could have been more of a child... I have taken the roll of a parent/ caretaker earlier on,has dad drank and mom needed help taking care of tony. I never got the chance to learn to swim has a kid and...thanks to that I have panic attacks when I'm at chin level in water.
Dad and I have butt heads quite a lot,like every day almost. It got so so much worse after a little accident.... Though I'm "not supposed to talk about it" just like dads drinking.
Mom and I get along great. We rarely clash...but when we do its always my fault. She needs more rest and I am not watching my brother even though I try to and dad won't bother.
My brother.... Well I love him to death...and apparently I've saved his life before... But that's how siblings are. The older ones become a parent for the younger ones.
My favorite line my parents use is "Because I said so". I damn near broke down crying because dad made me feel like I did something wrong to mom.
Or "Just force yourself to do it. It'll help get rid of your fear." that's...not how anxiety works... Or fear of water....like at all... I do push boundaries but not to where I'm forced to interact with someone while their doing their show in front of people.
At this point I'm just exhausted,crying sometimes and wishing I could claw myself out.
Art helps me...a lot. I make characters and just have fun... But I can't let myself think for too long.

"We don't hide things" is another good one. it makes me feel like I'm forced to speak my mind but I can't use that on them when they're clearly upset. It pisses me off to no end.
I always feel like I'm either sharing the spotlight or its completely on him. And its horrible I know but I just...wish they'd understand how hard it is for me. My dads a alcoholic,my moms constantly tired and stressed,my brother needs a bunch of attention...and yet they are shocked to find out I'm depressed. I have social issues. I just wanna scream my lungs out for a bit...

God I cry a lot...

I just wanna be able to get some fucking help,not a sheet of paper to tell me to breath when I feel like I'm being suffocated. my parents cried over a gay kid coming out and their dad not accepting them,and yeah I felt bad but...its common now and days. For fucks sake I cried when I came out because I thought my own father would disown me.

Then I find out my ex best friend brought knives to school,already slept with someone and became a lesbian because the boy ended up being a jerk.

They could have a kid like that but noooo god forbid they have one who tries to have privacy.

I want to cry,hug someone and just let it all out.

I know I'm not special,believe me. I know every other teenager has either gone through the same or worse...but I still think I should be able to say what I want without it being classified has "rebellious teen stuff". or wear what I want without being "emo".

I want to talk to someone about it. someone who can help me out. I want help but sometimes it feels like my parents won't let me get it in fear of ruining their image....because we're supposed to be some goddamn perfect family. But we aren't....

"You have no reason to be depressed." Yeah,you may not think so but I still have deep wounds that won't heal. I see some reasons I may be just sittin there. Being physically supported I different than emotionally.

I dream of flying away from this land. Going to a place where I can be comfortable being myself.

Just....gonna get some rest for now though....see you later

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