I try and I try and I t r y
But I'm even too sad to c r y

• • •

THE face from the officer made Choi San shiver. He looked serious, like really, really serious. As soon as Halmoni had opened the door he immediately scanned whatever was facing him with his eyes, as if he expected some monster jumping out from behind somewhere. Then his grandmother quickly shut the door a little again after she saw the officer observing San now, so he would only be able to see her. It was like she wanted San to be invisible. That made him think about that she would probably still do everything to protect him, even if he ever did something that could get him in trouble with the police. And that meant a lot, considering she hated everything that had to do with breaking laws and getting other people hurt. She would literally do anything for him, like she told him a million times. Everything I do is for you, my sweet, sweet angel. She was the one person who would go to the end of the world and back for him.

Suddenly San realized how fast his heart was beating. It was so fast, that he could even feel it in his fingertips. The last time he had felt like this Wooyoung and he- No. He shouldn't think about that anymore. San stepped a little closer to the door, so he would still be able to hear what was going on. Why did the police come knocking at their door in the middle of the night? He couldn't be the reason the officer was here, because he didn't do anything wrong. Or did he? The first thing that came to mind was the bunch of assholes who wanted to take Wooyoung's and his shoes on the way back home from school, but that felt like years ago. The police couldn't be here because of that. Two days ago he would've smiled like an idiot while thinking about that incident, since that was kinda the reason Wooyoung and he kissed for the first time, but now it was just the day everything started to be confusing and more and more unbearable.

His grandmother pulled him out of his thoughts and the time loop he had felt trapped in. »Can I help you with something, officer?«, she asked with her always so kind sounding voice, even though San could hear that she was already slightly upset. He could imagine pretty well, what was going through her head right now, since she had six, sometimes even seven, teenagers living under her roof after all. Teenagers whom most of them didn't have their parents as role models or other persons in their lives who taught them how to handle certain situations. Little did she now, that one of the boys she cared for wasn't asleep upstairs and that her worries would be fully justified. Jung Wooyoung was the only reason his grandmother would get woken up in the middle of the night by a police officer and San felt stupid that he truly considered himself to be the reason for a second. While Halmoni was probably still thinking hard about who was most likely to get in trouble with the police, San was already thinking about what exactly happened. Did he get into a fight again? Did he steal something? Did he cause a scene because of his anger issues?

»Ma'am this is because of a teenage boy I found laying on a bench next to a supermarket. He tells me he lives with you at the moment and I would need confirmation that he's telling a lie, before I take him with me to the station. I'm sorry to disturb you this late at night«, the police officer stated. The terror on his face had faded and now he looked like he just wanted to get this over with. Here we go, San thought, but realized the exact words that the officer had used a few seconds before. Confirmation that he's telling a lie? His grandmother seemed as disturbed as himself, still could hold herself back though. It was clear, that the police officer was more concerned about disturbing an elderly woman in the middle of the night than why a kid was sleeping alone outside. »And what's the name of this teenage boy?«, she asked with a raised eyebrow. The police officer still didn't notice, that he had found a topic which his grandmother took very, very seriously. She didn't mess around when it came to children, no matter what age they were. »He tells me it's Jung Wooyoung, but couldn't show me an ID confirmation of that either«, he said almost sounding amused, like he thought his grandmother would find the situation as absurd as he obviously did. »He is sitting right there in my car in fact, being watched by my partner«, he continued talking, while Halmoni was looking at him in absolute disbelief.

San couldn't stop himself anymore and pushed the door fully open again, so he could also see the black and white police car, which was parked right in front of their house. And there he truly was, sitting in the back of the car, starring down at his hands. His face was illuminated only a little by the dim lights in the car, but San would probably be able to recognize him even in the dark. He spent too much time eyeing him from the other side of the classroom not to. There was also no one else, who radiated this kind of aura. The moment Halmoni finally looked at the police car it was over. She snapped. »It is Wooyoung.. but what is he doing outside..«, she started whispering to herself, before stepping out of the house with only her slippers on, walking straight in the direction of the car. »Why is he.. get him out of there. Wooyoung!«, she now screamed. The police officer quickly followed her confused. »Ma'am are you saying that this.. boy truly belongs here?«, he asked in disbelief, pointing at the picture book house from his grandmother. At this moment the partner of the officer had gotten out of the car as well and was just about to open the back door of the car, but Halmoni was quicker. She pulled the door open hard, like she wanted to rip it out entirely. Then she looked at the police officer and her eyes where flaming of anger. San couldn't remember seeing an expression like that on her face ever. »Of course he belongs here. He belongs wherever he chooses to belong. Wooyoung, honey, get out of the car. Get in the house. Right now«, she said calm but in a voice that did not allow any opposition whatsoever. Wooyoung slowly stepped out the car, like it was the hardest thing he ever did. Like he was climbing up Mount Everest or swimming through ice-cold water. He looked at Mrs. Choi without blinking at all, before following her orders and starting to walk towards the house.

San had followed his grandmother halfway, but blocked out her conversation with the police officers entirely as soon as he saw Wooyoung. Truly saw Wooyoung. His heart felt like it dropped and fell down on the hard concrete and for a second everything around him was turning upside down. He felt sick, just absolutely sick. Was this another nightmare? This couldn't happen again. Wooyoung looked bad. The skin around his right eye was black, his eye itself red. So red you couldn't even make out the beautiful dark, amber color anymore. There was a new cut added to his lower lip and dried blood had gathered around his nose. San didn't even want to know how his body may look under the oversized black hoodie he wore. Wooyoung walked slowly towards the door, trying not to show that every single part of his body was hurting. »Wooyoung.. what..«, San stuttered as the boy past him, but of course he didn't stop nor did he say anything to him at all. San hesitated to follow him inside but choose to turn around and calm his grandmother down first. She had told the officer exactly what she thought of him and the man looked clearly embarrassed and probably just wanted to forget everything about this night, so they didn't have to worry about Wooyoung getting in any trouble from their side anymore. San grabbed his grandmothers hand an rushed to the house. They needed to get to Wooyoung. They needed to find out, what happened to him. They needed to help him.

They found him sitting on the edge of the living room couch, his head buried in his hands. His hood was covering everything else above that. Halmoni slowly walked towards him, while San put her coat back on the wardrobe. After contemplating she quietly sat down on the armchair and sighted deeply. San was sure she wished she could've sat down right next to him and hug him tightly, but she knew just as everyone else, that he didn't like being touched just like that. He himself stopped while going into the living room as well, his head leaning against the cold door frame now. He knew the boy probably didn't want him here. »Wooyoung«, Mrs. Choi said after a while of unbearable silence. Her voice revealed how sad she felt for him and how shaken she was by the situation. »I'm gonna skip my first question, which would always be: Are you okay? But I know your not and I'm not gonna push on that. But I do need to know why you weren't in your bed tonight«, she asked softly. Another few minutes of silence started, before Wooyoung suddenly started coughing. »Okay, okay... let's get you warm first. Come on, take this wet hoodie of. San, go make him a tea. Warm up some food too«, Halmoni tried approaching the situation different. Wooyoung was probably way too shaken up as well to be able to tell her what had happened right this instant.

San didn't take his eyes of Wooyoung, but to his surprise the boy did what his grandmother told him to do. He sat up straight, pulled down the hood from his head and.. wait. A second time tonight San thought he was totally tripping out. Wooyoung's signature hair color, the dreamy gray which made his whole aura seem kind of fairy like.. it was gone. Now a deep, dark black color was covering his head and the look of that made Choi San shiver. Nothing, no words, no tears, no expression on his face, could emphasize more what the boy must feel at this very moment, than the darkness of his hair. While San turned around to go in the kitchen and do what his grandmother told him to do, the last tear for a while made his way down his face. It was silly, but now he felt more than ever, that his gray haired boy was gone, even though he was sitting right there in the living room.

The only words Wooyoung spoken before making his way upstairs to his room, were: »Thank you for the food.« His voice cracked too, like he hadn't spoke for a while and there were no emotions in his voice at all. His grandmother told San that she would try talking to him tomorrow again, when he warmed up, got some sleep and calmed down a little. She was totally in shock of how beaten up and hurt Wooyoung was again, and she would probably not stop asking, before she knew what happened to him. San couldn't say anything to her, but gave her a little smile before she left to go back to her room. There were so many thoughts tumbling through his mind. So many ways Wooyoung could've gotten hurt. When he finally started walking up the stairs he felt like the night was already over, but while passing all the photos and the clock on the wall, he realized, that it was only almost five in the morning and it would be awhile until everyone would get out of bed and the house would be filled with live again, since today was Sunday. So San automatically stopped in front of the one room where the one person he wanted to hug and kiss and whisper to was inside. The one person he hated and.. loved at the same time. The one person in this house, who didn't love him back. San sat down at the exact same spot, as he did when it was Wooyoung's first night here and he went to sleep without eating anything. Then he hugged his knees and put his head to rest, but he didn't sleep for maybe another hour.

And when he did, he dreamed about nothing.

San got woken up by a squeaking door and when he lifted his head to realize that he was still sitting on the stairs, he looked straight into the face of this one person. For a second he thought he was dreaming because Wooyoung didn't move, but than he even spoke. »You can't be serious. Get up. Go to your room«, he whispered, but there was no trace of the broken boy from maybe four hours ago. Well he still looked broken, but his voice sounded different again, full of anger and not of nothing. San honestly liked that sound better though. The sound of his voice while thanking for the food truly scared him. »Wooyoung, I-«, San started and quickly got up, following the boy who had started to walk down the stairs now. »No, San. No. Just leave me alone. Go, before anyone hears you«, the now black haired boy said agonized. He turned around after leaving the last stair behind, while pulling a pack of cigarettes out of the back pocket of his pants. »How often do I have to tell you, before you finally listen?«, he asked now. San didn't expect this confrontation tonight. He honestly just wanted to know if the boy was okay. »I just want some answers«, San spoke quietly, after the boy had already turned around again to go smoke outside. Wooyoung stopped for a few seconds before walking out without saying anything after all. I just want to know what I did wrong.

The last week of school flew by like a storm. Wooyoung apparently talked to his grandmother about what happened and even went to see a doctor with her. He also didn't have to go to any classes this week, so San didn't get so see him and the other students didn't get to talk about him. San didn't write in his notebook this week, nor did he work on any papers or drew anything. He just sat at his table, while starring at the clock and when it was time for a break he went out of the classroom and sat down on the floor leaning against the wall, before the next class began. It was on the way back from school on Friday, when he felt like he woke up from the numbness his body was trapped in. He and his brothers were all sitting in the car, everyone just doing their own thing, when Hongjoong suddenly started talking. »So last night I had a long talk with Wooyoung, because after all I still should be looking after him just like I'm looking after you guys. He told me what happened, not in very much detail, but enough to at least understand him a little, so we can calm our thoughts down«, he explained. »He told me it was okay to tell you, but don't go talk to him about it, okay? I think he just wants to move on.« San's whole body felt stiff, and he held his breathe without knowing it, while his big brother was talking.

»So last Friday he did get called to the principals office and was informed about that his mother was looking for him. He didn't hear from her in a while, so he got his stuff from the classroom, walked out and got in a car with a man he thought would take him to her. He wanted Wooyoung to steal something from his new foster home, so he could get his hands on some money and when he refused things basically didn't end well. That's what happened.« The story was short, quick and above all didn't really make sense to San. It didn't explain anything. It didn't explain why he suddenly got mad at San, it didn't explain Wooyoung hating him, it didn't explain why he wanted to be left alone. He obviously needed someone. Hongjoong had said that he didn't tell him much detail, but the thing with his mother just sounded.. false. The last and only thing Wooyoung told him about his mother was, that he was angry at her. So angry, that he always felt it. Why would he walk out of school for her and ruin the one good thing he had going? And why couldn't he even tell him this on Sunday, when they saw each other in the hallway in the morning? Why did he always have to find out everything through other people? Right. Because Wooyoung didn't care about him or his feelings. I think he just wants to move on.

Friday evening a dream which he once thought was his biggest came true. While he was laying in his bed literally doing nothing again, all of his brothers arranged everything for the little party they were hosting tonight. They had invited a few of their friends from school, who would obviously bring their friends too, and Halmoni left for her game night with her own friends. At first she wasn't sure if that was a good idea, since everything that was going on with Wooyoung and such, but Mingi convinced her that it was a good and important thing for everyone to just have fun at the first night of Christmas break. Of course they didn't tell her about any alcohol that would enter her house or the cigarettes hidden in their draws, but San knew his grandmother well. He was absolutely sure that she knew all about how a party worked. She probably was okay with it, because they would stay in the house and not one of her kids would need to get home somehow. They were safe, she wasn't a prude and everyone was happy. Well almost.

The party was going maybe for three hours at this point, when San truly felt drunk. At least he thought that was the feeling he was feeling, since he never really was drunk before. He usually didn't get invited to parties and when he did it was because of Mingi or Yunho and then he didn't drink much, because he knew he had to make sure that they would be able to get home. Today that problem obviously wasn't a problem, everyone was having a great time listening and dancing to the music in the living room and San didn't have anything better to do than let Mingi fill up his cup again and again. First he didn't even want to come downstairs and see all the people from school that weren't even his own friends, but Yeosang and Jongho got him out of bed and made him get ready after the party had already started like an hour before. San honestly felt a little better after they came to get him, because who wanted to lay alone in a bed and listen to the noises of a party downstairs? But watching Wooyoung have a much better time than he had made the feeling go away quickly. He acted like everything was just fine while talking to the people who would never talk to San. And with every guy that walked up to him San couldn't help but wonder if that was the dude who hung out with Wooyoung at his favorite place. The place he had shown Wooyoung only a few days before.

The music got louder and with that it got harder having an actual conversation with someone, without standing so close to each other, that their wasn't much space left between you and the other person. San tried to stop keep looking back to Wooyoung, who was still talking to the last dude who came up to him. Then San caught Wooyoung looking at him as well, before he took another step closer to the boy. San wasn't surprised that he would go as far to do all of that in front of him, but it did hurt anyways. It hurt so much indeed, that he couldn't bare standing between these people anymore. San didn't know how he got out of the crowed and up the stairs, because he was pretty sure that he wasn't walking in a straight line, but after a while he made it. And when he opened his eyes again he found himself on the same wall he had leaned Wooyoung against on the night he was drunk. After a while of starring at the sink in front of him the picture suddenly changed. An angel like boy kneeled in front of him, snipping with his fingers in front of his face and after that he even started to wave at him. San waved back confused and dreamed about it being Wooyoung for a second, but then recognized the sweet laughter of Yeosang. »How much did you have to drink, Sani? Wooyoung saw you struggling to get up here and told me to go check on you«, the boy grinningly explained how he found him. They're laughing about me, San thought. First Wooyoung just had to flirt with other dudes right before his eyes and now they were laughing about him as well. San honestly just wanted to get to his bed and sleep for the next thirty years.

Suddenly everything happened way to fast and San acted before thinking of the consequences first. »Yeosang, are you up here already?«, he heard this one special person scream for his foster brother, while hearing loud noises that announced someone running up the stairs. San was drunk and angry and that made him want to do something, that he usually would never even think of. He wanted to make Wooyoung feel just as bad, as he had made him feel these last few weeks, and there was a little bit hope left in him, that the boy would also feel a little sting in his heart when seeing San with someone else. So he did what his drunk mind thought of first and grabbed Yeosang's cheeks quickly, so he could pull him down a little bit more, before he kissed him enthusiastically. The boy who almost fell on top of him didn't move his lips, but didn't pull away either, because he also was very drunk and way to shocked to move his body away from his brother. So the situation played out just as San had imagined it in the two seconds he had thought about this plan. Wooyoung stopped in front of the bathroom and saw the two of them kissing at the same spot they once sat together. When Yeosang finally pulled away so hard, that his head crashed against the sink behind him, Wooyoung wasn't standing their anymore, as San realized when he turned his head to look for him. Then he turned his head back to Yeosang, who had followed his glaze and was also starring in the empty hallway for a second, before looking back at him in absolute despair. And then it looked like he realized something.

»Tell me exactly what the fuck is going on, San.«

San was pretty sure, that this was the first time he ever heard Kang Yeosang swear.