I recognize and I a p o l o g i z e
That I got the good s i d e
The good side of t h i n g s

• • •

TRYING to completely ignore Wooyoung was way harder than trying to get through the last weeks before Christmas break. San was almost happy to go to school, because that meant not having to worry about stepping in a room in which only he was in or walking down the stairs when he was also leaving his room at the same time. In school he could at least pretend to be busy and already knew exactly, where the boy was. The only thing which was as worse as seeing him unexpected at home, was the school bell. His heart felt like it was shattering again and again and again, because he got reminded every time, that he would not spend his break with this particular boy behind this particular building anymore.

Soon he got used to clinging on to Mingi and Yunho though, who both were more than happy that they got someone to tease again. But he wasn't the only one appreciating the company of his two foster brothers, since Wooyoung seemed to find liking in sticking with the two tall boys as well. Not in school, since San was with them then, but at home he had heard the three of them in the living room and sometimes the gray haired boy had even followed them down to their room after school. San noticed how much he was missing out on when he also started to text in the group chat San had with all of his foster brothers. Is was not much, but he did respond to questions like Who wants to watch the new episode from Sky Castle tonight? or Did anyone see the remote control?

Even though San was still hurt because of his behavior he was happy for Wooyoung and also relieved that he at least got a little used to his new living situation and didn't try to be just in his room everyday anymore. He did have a weird feeling in his stomach every time he saw the gray haired boy with his foster brothers though. Why did they get to spend time with him, but not him? And why couldn't he be so funny and easy going like Mingi and Yunho? Some people might think that it was naive still wanting a person, who made it clear that they didn't like you the way you wanted, to like you the way you desire. Or wanting them to like you at all. San really tried accepting the fact that what happened in the bathroom was just in the moment and didn't mean anything to Wooyoung, but even after more than a week past since then, he couldn't stop thinking about his lips. And his smell. And his fingers, who had gently touched his skin.

It was Saturday evening and their usually full house was so dark and quiet that San finally left his hiding spot, which was obviously his room, for more then five minutes for the first time in over a week. His Halmoni went out to play cards, Hongjoong was at Seongwha's place as always, Jongho and Yeosang were spending their time in a indoor skatepark since it got to cold to skate outside and Mingi, Yunho and, yes, Wooyoung, went to a house party from a guy one grade above them. Obviously his grandmother didn't know about the party, but that didn't stop them from going. San took the opportunity of having the house for himself for once to first take a long bath, while listening to a random podcast and then take up the whole couch in the living room by himself. He brought out some snacks from the kitchen, played Super Mario for a whole hour without having to switch with his brothers for once and then turned on Naruto for the highlight of the night.

He was half through the first episode when Yunho and Mingi suddenly stormed in the house. They had Wooyoung in the middle and got one of his arms each wrapped around their neck. He was just hanging in the air between them, had his eyes closed and didn't seem to respond to what was happening at all. »Saniii«, Yunho was screaming, after he spotted him in the living room. San immediately smelled the alcohol. »Yo! This party is lit as hell«, Mingi laughed, who at least sounded more stable then Yunho, but definitely not sober. Before he could think of what to say to this situation or how to deal with them they made their way up the stairs, so for a second San thought he could just stay on this couch and let them handle themselves, but then his brothers came running back down, Yunho was yodeling and Mingi hit the Woah and it didn't look like they were done for the night. »Wooyoung said he needs to throw up so we put him next to the toilet«, Yunho informed him, before they were back out the door.

San stepped up the stairs with a glass of water in his hand. He didn't even need to think about if he should check up on Wooyoung or not, since he definitely needed to be concerned about what Yunho and Mingi may had done to him. When he turned to face the bathroom he immediately saw him kneeling on the floor with his head above the toilet. Wooyoung didn't move at all and he also didn't seem to notice him so San took a few seconds to just look at him. He wore a black shirt, which was only half tucked in his also dark jeans and his shirt exposed his collarbones, since he had a few buttons unbuttoned. His face looked sweaty and his hair a little wet, but even now San would still describe him as absolutely stunning. »You should drink some water«, San said, after he finally had the courage to step in the bathroom. For some reason he expected Wooyoung to suddenly jump up from the ground and run out of the room again, but he stayed right were he was. Maybe he had so much alcohol that he didn't even know who was talking to him right now, San thought.

Wooyoung was still not moving so San squatted down to him after a bit. Without even thinking about it he started to caress him on the back, trying to signal him, that someone was here now. Suddenly Wooyoung started choking a little, which made San panic for a second but then he stopped again. »You need to sit up«, he said a little quieter, because he was pretty sure that Wooyoung must have a headache by now and he didn't want to make it worse. Since Wooyoung still didn't respond to any of his words he just decided to carefully grab him by the armpits and slowly drag him to the wall next to the toilet, so he had something to lean on. Then San squatted down in front of him again and started cleaning his face with a tissue, while he desperately tried blocking out the memories from when Wooyoung was the one cleaning his face. »Did I ruin my shirt?«, the drunk boy asked all of the sudden. This made San notice that Wooyoung had opened his eyes and was looking at him with his deep brown eyes now.

»No, your shirt is fine«, he answered him hesitantly. He really wanted to ask something like: Are you? Because he wasn't sure how Wooyoung would react to him asking a question like that again, he didn't. San was also really confused with his sudden and calm words. »I ruined your night though, didn't I?«, Wooyoung asked after San had washed his hands. He squatted down to him once again, before passing him the glass of water and then slightly shook his head. »To be honest.. I was kinda lonely, so it's okay«, he answered him truthfully. It was nice having the house for himself for once, but in the end it did feel a little too empty. »Being lonely sucks«, the gray haired boy said and the way he said it made San look at him differently again. He was not sure which Wooyoung he had in front of him right now, the cool smoking boy from the school breaks or the annoyed one who just wanted to be left alone, but it was definitely not the guy who left him behind in the bathroom after they kissed. He had a different look in his eyes right now. San didn't take the glass out of his hands before he didn't drink the water all, so Wooyoung did.

»My dad always said: It doesn't matter if you always like the person you have to spend time with, at least you are not alone«, Wooyoung suddenly said, which surprised San so much, that he fully sat down on the ground now as well and leaned against the sink behind him. That must've been the first real thing Wooyoung ever told him. »At least he is not lonely«, Wooyoung continued, almost whispering now. »He is.. dead, so he is with a lot of fucking people. That must be kind of tiring too, now that I think about it though.« He first laughed a little about his words, but then San could see his eyes tear up a little. San knew that all of the boys who came to live with his grandmother and him had some kind of bad past, but Wooyoung was the first one who made him shiver. Not that a dead parent wasn't bad enough, but something in his eyes told San, that there was much more to this story.

»I'm sure he is okay«, San only whispered back, because he just couldn't say more to that topic right now. The death of his grandfather, even though it was a few years ago, still hit him hard every time he thought about it. He exactly knew how Wooyoug felt, since his grandfather was more of a father figure to him, than his real one ever was. »Yeah«, Wooyoung said sounding bitter, but he had a smile on his lips. Only if you looked right into his eyes, which San did, you could see that in reality he wasn't smiling at all. San knew that it would be better to keep quiet and go back in the living room, since Wooyoung looked a little better now, but after the boy practically told him that he was lonely, he didn't have enough will power to keep his act up anymore.

So he moved over to Wooyoung a little and gently wiped away the single tear that was running down his cheek. He was ready for another outburst, getting screamed at or whatever the boy would do after San touched him this time, but he simply grabbed his wrist, after San wanted to pull away again. His grip wasn't harsh but San definitely wouldn't be able to pull his hand away easily, if he wanted to. »Why are you doing this?«, he asked him, after another moment of just starring at each other. »You don't know me and I'm a fucking asshole. Why are you being this kind to me again?« San's heart was beating so fast now, that he couldn't think straight anymore. But even if he could, he would not be able to answer this question, since he didn't knew the answer himself. The only thing he knew was, that it was because of this feeling that he got the first time he saw him in the hallway of this very house. The feeling he always got, when he saw Wooyoung.

»Don't say that«, San told him quickly. »You are not an asshole. If you are, then what are guys like the ones who beat us up for a pair of shoes? Huh?«, he asked him, not really expecting a answer though. He just urgently wanted to make Wooyoung think differently. San didn't expect him to suddenly start sobbing though, so when more tears came running down his checks, he couldn't catch them all. The sight of Wooyoung trying to stop his emotional outburst with squeezing his eyes shut tightly almost broke his heart. »It's okay«, San started repeating over and over again. »I got you, okay? I promise. It's okay.« But his words didn't calm the boy down at all. He started shaking his head back and forth and grabbing his hair again. »I'm just so angry«, he whispered, before opening his now red eyes again and looking directly into San's now. »Really, really angry.. at her. And that makes me more angry, because I don't always want to feel this way.«

»At who are you angry?«, San asked, while wiping over his cheeks again and again.

»At my mother.«