I can't lie a n y m o r e
My heart is so s o r e

•••

OH my god. Oh my god, what did I do? San felt his whole body shivering. He fucked up so, so badly. How could someone even fuck up this bad? When the realization of what he had just done hit him, he felt totally sober for a second. He had just kissed Yeosang. He had just kissed his brother. Sure it wasn't the first time he had kissed one of his foster brothers, but even though Yeosang only lived with them since a little over a year, the shy boy actually felt like Choi San's brother. The first thought that came to his mind was blaming the whole situation on the alcohol in his body, but he couldn't bring himself to tell another lie. He really couldn't do it anymore, he just didn't have the strength to. The way Yeosang was looking at him, while still kneeling in front of him with a hand on the back of his hurting head, was too much for him to handle. The look on his face totally reflected how he himself was feeling in this very moment, which was just absolutely disgusted and at the same time confused. How did he even think of doing something like this?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

San didn't know how long they starred at each other before Yeosang repeated himself. Maybe it was only one minute, maybe five, but the boy still sounded really mad at him and San still didn't know what to do. »San, what is going on with you?«, he asked for a second time. »You've been acting weird for weeks now. All these damn mood swings, the sudden disappearances. You are not acting like yourself«, he stated alarmed. His next words couldn't have hit San harder. »Where is my brother?«, Yeosang breathed out and sounded more serious than ever. San knew that Yeosang had picked up more than he should have these last few weeks, but it was scary to him, that the usual so considerate boy described it like this. It was true though. He himself didn't know, where the usual always smiling, caring, happy Choi San was. And he certainly didn't know this drunk, sad, empty boy, that was leaning against the bathroom wall without anything left to say. »I'm sorry«, San whispered. »I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I-«, he tried louder, but couldn't speak any further, before many, many tears started streaming down his face after all. He had tried really hard holding back his emotions, but with having Yeosang confront him directly like this, he just couldn't do it. He probably wouldn't have been able to lie even if he was sober in this situation. Yeosang seemed really determined to finally find out what was going on with his room mate and since San didn't have the strength to lie anymore there was only one way this conversation would move along.

Yeosang's demeanor changed immediately though after he realized how shaken San really was. »Don't cry, Sani«, he whispered back worried, while his face softened. Silently he started to caress his arm, while obviously thinking about what to do next. »Do you think you can get up so we can go into our room?«, he asked after a moment of silence. San quickly shook his head. He didn't want to be in his room and in his bed anymore. Up their he was just sad all the time and he didn't want to feel even sadder than he already was. Of course this bathroom didn't hold the best memories as well, but foolishly San felt closer to Wooyoung while leaning against this wall and that made his heart feel just a tiny bit lighter. For a second San thought Yeosang was gonna let this go, but the boy quickly had a second plan in mind. »Stay here then«, he said, while getting up from the cold tiles. »I'm gonna go get you some water and then you can try this again«. San couldn't argue against that even if he knew what to say, so he did the only thing that didn't feel heavy on his body, which was closing his eyes again. He even tried to use the short time he had alone to get this thoughts straight, but he was absolutely sure that Yeosang wouldn't believe another lie, even if he did quickly came up with a good story to tell him after all. The truth was all their was, even though San didn't know the whole truth himself.

They sat silently in front of each other after San drank two glasses of water. Yeosang was starring at him again, but he looked more patiently than before. San silently pulled out his phone from the pocket of the hoodie he was wearing to check the time. It was already 02:14 am but the party downstairs was still going strong, which made it even harder for San to think. »You will feel better after you tell me«, Yeosang assured him, like he could read his mind. "You can trust me. I won't tell anyone«, he added after another moment of silence. The last words sounded so sincere and honest that San could finally get out of the numbness his body felt trapped in and took a deep breath. What did people say again? Right, the truth will set you free. That was probably the only good thing that San could hope for to happen after this conversation. He knew he could trust Yeosang, he was probably the sweetest person he knew, but it was hard letting go of the secret he had kept for weeks now. Especially because it meant that Wooyoung and him could never go back to the few good days they had. After Yeosang knew things could never be the same. San took another deep breath before looking up from his hands to find the curious eyes of his foster brother. »I fell for him«, he whispered. Shortly after another single tear made it's way down his face. He didn't have to say who because Yeosang had already filled that question with an answer the moment San had starred in the empty hallway after the kiss about thirty minutes ago.

»I fell for him«, San repeated louder. It was painful to admit his feelings but at the same time it was relieving to finally say these words out loud. It felt like stones where being lifted off his shoulders and he could hold his head up higher again. »I didn't mean to, really. I just wanted to make him feel at home, like with all of you guys«, he quickly added. »He seemed so lost, you know? I wanted to help him«, he spoke further, while trying to find the right words at the same time. San really didn't know how to explain it, because it was something that just happened from itself. Yeosang nodded slightly while listening to every word very carefully. He looked shocked, but not too shocked, like he already had an idea of what happened but just didn't know if his assumptions were correct. »I thought we had an connection. Something special, you know? But he doesn't care about that. I really.. I don't know what's wrong with him«, San started whispering at the end again, not being able to hold back more tears. He sounded really, really depressed and sad while trying to explain everything that was going on.

»The day I picked you up from the bathroom next to the old playground«, Yeosang started after San couldn't talk further again. »The day you were beaten up. Was that him?«, he asked serious. San, who was surprised that Yeosang's first thought was that day, shook his head quickly. »No«, he said fast. He didn't want to give Yeosang the wrong impression. Jung Wooyoung did hurt him a lot, but never physically. »I know you guys think he seems aggressive sometimes, but he never hurt me like that. It's true that I lied though. I did help someone who was being bullied but it wasn't a stranger, it was Wooyoung. Well and me«. Saying his name out loud again was weird, but now that he had started telling Yeosang what happened the last few weeks, he deserved to know everything. And it was childish to avoid saying his name any longer. They both knew who they were talking about. »A group of guys stopped us on the way home and it got messy", he explained further. Yeosang nodded again but didn't look satisfied with that story. »Why were you laying on that bathroom floor crying then?«, he asked immediately after San had stopped talking to gather his thoughts again. Just tell him. »He brought me to that bathroom to clean up my face and hide from the police«, San started talking again. That day really was one of the hardest to think about. It was when everything started. »We.. kissed for the first time after I provoked it. Then he left right after full of rage. Don't ask why, because I don't know«, he explained, still looking at his foster brother directly. Yeosang looked surprised after San stated that he provoked the kiss, but that detail was important for the story, because he didn't want his brother to think that Wooyoung was to blame for all of this. No, only San was to blame for that first kiss.

»The day you ran out of the house«, Yeosang started with another question, but this time San interrupted him, because he knew he was going to say. »To run after him? Yes, that was a few days after. The night before Wooyoung was really drunk and he had opened up to me a little and I didn't want him to be alone. We hung out for the first time outside of school that day«, he answered what he thought Yeosang was going to ask. »Oh and in school you always asked me where I was in the breaks. Wooyoung and I used to hide behind a building, because he didn't like having the other students around«, San added before Yeosang could even think of asking. After all these sudden words his foster brother seemed more shocked again, but was trying to make sense of all of this. »And the times when you wrote in your notebook smiling and texting secretly, that was about him every time?«, he asked amazed. San nodded. »There was always only him«, he assured. »So you knew where he was the two days he was missing?«, another question followed. This time San shook his head. »I know I lied a lot, but I didn't really lie about that. I had a few ideas where he could be, yes, but he was already not talking to me anymore at that time«, he explained quickly. He hoped Yeosang wouldn't get mad at him because of all the lies he had told. But his foster brother only seemed interested in something else. »What do you mean? Why wouldn't he talk to you anymore?«. There it was, the question of all questions.

San sighted and shrugged with his shoulders to make it clear, that he absolutely had no answer for this. »I don't know, I didn't do-«, he started but shook with his head once again. »The day he got called out of class to go see the principal he just randomly screamed at me after that. He said I should leave him alone and search for someone else to pity. That morning we were all good, so I really don't know what upset him. I saw him getting in a car but that's it. I didn't talk to him before the police brought him home and he wouldn't even really speak to me that night either«, San tried getting him up to date with where Wooyoung and he were standing at the moment. Yeosang took a while to take everything in before speaking up again. »So basically, you guys had a thing and Wooyoung just ended it without telling you why and.. that's why you kissed me? To pay him back what he did to you?«, Yeosang summed up everything with hopefully asking the last question for tonight. San felt absolutely exhausted after reliving everything again. "Basically«, San nodded. »I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you into this mess. And I didn't mean to take advantage of you like that. I will never do something like that again, I promise«, he sad and hoped to sound as honest as he truly mean it, even though he still was pretty drunk and his words didn't came out the way he wanted them to.

Yeosang nodded slowly. »I hope so, because I can't remember anything feeling as uncomfortable as having you, my brother, kiss me«, he stated. »But I think I can understand why you dit it, what doesn't mean, that I think that it was the right thing to do«, Yeosang tried to carefully give his opinion to this matter. »I know«, San sad quickly. »You can't fight fire with fire. I know«, he repeated himself. »It's just.. this is my first time feeling like this and.. I couldn't think of anything else anymore after we kissed and stuff. Everything reminds me of him, you know? Movies, pillows, notebooks.. just everything. I still can't help wanting all of that back, even though I know he hurt me. In the few good moments we had he made me feel super special and alive and now that it's gone it hurts so, so much«, San let out some more of the thoughts that he had held trapped in his mind so tightly. »The past few days, when I didn't know where he was or what was going on I couldn't do anything else besides to think of him and all the memories all the damn time. I asked myself the same questions probably a million time. Where is he, is he okay, is he even alive. And you know what killed me most?«, he asked, without really wanting an answer from his foster brother, because he already knew what exactly that was. Yeosang shook with his head a little though, while he was waiting for an answer.

»What killed me most was, that I could still smell his perfume«.

»I could smell it everywhere. On me, on the couch, in the bathroom. And every time I smelled it I was back in front of the school with him screaming at me and me not knowing what to do. I just.. I just want to know what I did wrong. I just want to know what happened«, he desperately spoke out the thoughts that had haunted him for hours on hours on hours now. Yeosang didn't know what to answer to San's honesty and sadness anymore so he did what San probably needed most, which was giving him a big, long hug. They sat their for a while just hugging while San cried some more and Yeosang tried comforting him the best he could. After what felt like forever San spoke for the last time this night. »Thank you, hyung«, he whispered softly, while hugging the sweet boy in front of him even tighter. »I do feel so much better now«. Yeosang helped his brother up the stairs and watched him silently after San almost feel asleep instantly. His heart hurt so much for him that he couldn't sleep well for the first time since he came to live in Mrs. Choi's house.

The next morning San woke up feeling as if he had every alcohol there was in this world last night. His first thought this morning surprisingly wasn't Jung Wooyoung but that he would never, ever drink again. He slowly turned his head to scream out for Yeosang and some water, but his foster brother wasn't in his bed anymore. After San found his phone somewhere under his pillows he understood why. It was already 4 pm which meant that he had almost overslept the whole first day of the Christmas break. After the memories from last night slowly came back to him he felt even worse. He told Yeosang everything and now he just felt really.. naked. Like he wasn't save anymore. He knew that his sweet foster brother wouldn't do anything to hurt him but what was if he talked to Hongjoong or someone else about what San had told him? Did San tell him not to tell anyone? Did Yeosang promise not to tell anyone? He couldn't remember much from last night, just the basics and that was not one of them. After just laying in his bed while staring at the ceiling and not having the motivation to get out of bed for maybe another hour his phone suddenly got bomboarded with notifications.

Yeosangie
San, are you awake?

Yeosangie
San?

Yeosangie
Hello?

Yeosangie
???

Yeosangie
I need to talk to you

Yeosangie
It's very important

Yeosangie
Meet me at the usual spot in the park as fast as you can

San almost fell out of bed because he got so scared by the messages. What was so important right now? Yeosang knew that San must be crazy hangover right now, so what did he do to call him out of bed? San grabbed a hoodie and a pair of jeans and underwear before jumping down the stairs to the bathroom. He needed a cold shower before he could do anything else. It would be a lie if San said that he wasn't even a little furious with Yeosang at the moment, because he rushed to get ready so fast, that he couldn't even think about what was maybe coming his way. The only good thing about this whole situation was, that he didn't spend one thought about the boy that was laying on the mattress in the old office of his grandfather across the hallway from the bathroom. A cold breeze welcomed him while stepping out of the house what made San pull down his beanie even further. This night the snow didn't stop coming as well so San really asked himself why they had to meet in the damn park of all places. San took his time walking and found himself appreciating the fresh air after a while though. His head wasn't hurting that bad anymore when he arrived and he felt more awake. As assumed he found Yeosang on a hidden bench in front of the frozen lake and stopped for a second to take in the scenery. It was a beautiful view and it made him smile when he remembered last summer and the many books Yeosang and he had read here. Without a word he let himself fall next to his brother, but kept looking straight ahead.

»You came«, Yeosang welcomed him, sounding a little surprised. San imagined the usual so innocent smile on Yeosang's lips but kept starring on the ice in front of him. He didn't see the actual nervous expression that the sweet boy carried on his face and the way he kept on biting his lip. »I did«, San whispered sounding not really here at all though. Now that he had stopped walking he felt more tired again, even too tired to ask Yeosang why he was here. But the boy quickly answered the unspoken question for him. »San, I had to«, the boy said suddenly, which made San turn his head to him immediately. Yeosang sounded really serious and he looked worried too. »What did you do?«, San breathed out, but didn't have to wait for an answer long. Suddenly someone stepped up in front of them blocking the view to the beautiful lake. San was so startled that he couldn't hold back the painful sound that came with breathing out the next time. Wooyoung looked right at him with his still bruised up face and this look of nothing in his eyes. He wore an all black outfit, as always, and had a hoodie covering his now black hair. He looked stunning standing there in all black while everything around him was white. San looked at Yeosang with absolut despair but the boy just stood up from the bench and walked away. San didn't know what to do. He wanted to run away but his feet wouldn't move. He wanted to cry but their were no more tears left after last night. He wanted to scream at Yeosang but his foster brother was already gone. Wooyoung sat down next to him slowly after a while, but San just kept starring down at his hands. He almost jumped after the hoarse voice of the boy he loved killed the silence with a view sharp words.

»I think I owe you the truth«, he breathed out in the cold air. San tried not choking up right here and then. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. Did Yeosang really tell him what San had told him yesterday? That he just needed to know what happened? Did it take Yeosang only one conversation to open his heart? San felt really hot all of the sudden but his body was as stiff as the ice in front of him. He didn't know what to expect next, he just hoped the boy wasn't making fun of him again. But maybe today was the end of this. Maybe this would be the end of the story. Maybe he could finally get some answers.

»You want to know who I am, right? Well, let me start with my mother«.