When we m e t
I wasn't  m e
I was so n u m b
Yeah, I was so l o n e l y

•••

THE moment the last six words left Wooyoung's lips San forgot about the pain in his chest and the little voice in his head, that told him to run away as fast as he could. The voice that also told him that Wooyoung could only be trying to manipulate him again, so that he acted in his favor. Once again flashbacks from the night the then still gray haired boy was drunk hit him, when the word "mother" had fallen the first time. Wooyoung wasn't playing any games here, San finally realized. This was the boy who laid under the ceiling in the Comic Café with him and gently stroke his hand and not the boy that had shattered his heart into pieces. Otherwise he would never tell him anything like this without being drunk. Maybe he truly wanted to tell him the truth.

»The person that was supposed to protect me«, San heard him whisper after another moment of silence. Choi San could only stare as the walls Wooyoung had build around him slowly fell down and the tense shoulders of the now black haired boy loosened up. It was like he couldn't hold up the act of this unbothered and cold somebody anymore. He looked vulnerable while now being the one that was looking straight ahead the ice cold river. He looked younger, he looked softer, but most of all he looked like someone who was just absolutely exhausted. »The person who carried me in her womb for nine months«, he continued after a while, now speaking a little louder again. »The person who should love me the most in this world«, he spoke further, after another short break in which he took deep breathes. »This person left me the moment my father didn't come home«, Wooyoung finished his little starting speech, before turning his head slowly to San. His eyes looked exactly like his body language, sad and tired. But their was something else in them too. Something that told San, that Wooyoung really wanted to explain everything to him. San didn't really understand why he started with his family story, but he wouldn't stop the boy from doing so. He would sit here and listen to every last word he had to say with the hope that in the end he could make some sense of the last months. With hope that he could wake up from this nightmare. »The moment his heart stopped, she was gone, even though she was still breaving«, Wooyoung continued while still looking straight at him. »It was like loosing both of them at the same time, although she walked out of the hospital next to me«.

Wooyoung breathed out hard after his lasts words, like it took him so, so much to speak about this topic. The boy must have kept these words hidden and protected for so long, San thought. San didn't know what to say. On the one hand this didn't explain anything but on the other hand it explained so much. It explained why Wooyoung always seemed like he didn't want to get attached to someone. It explained the lonely expression in his eyes. It explained the lack of trust. It explained why you could almost never find a smile on his lips. What it didn't explain was the bruises on his body or the way he treated him like a piece of trash. San needed more, he thought. He needed way more words from the boy before he could find any to say to him as well. But he didn't turn away from exchanging stares with Wooyoung nonetheless. They sat their for a little moment just looking at each other, before the black haired boy spoke again. »After that everything turned to shit. We couldn't pay the bills, we didn't have anything to eat, we didn't even have light for a while. So I started stealing stuff from the neighbors or from the stores around our house. I got caught. That's the reason why I got send to juvie for the first time«, Wooyoung told him. San looked at him questioningly. For the first time. Of course the question of how many times the boy had spend in juvie immediately came into his mind, but he didn't interrupt the boy while he kept speaking.

»After that I didn't get to go home anymore. They sent me from foster family to foster family. Some were actually nice, but couldn't handle a kid like me, some acted like I was their servant. As soon as I didn't do everything they wanted and they realized that they actually had to deal with me, to get money for fostering me, they made up lies why I couldn't stay with them«, the boy kept telling his life story. San felt like his insides got squeezed together more and more with every sentence he spoke. The worst part was that he was sure, that this wasn't even half of the story. »I can't tell you in how many foster homes I was, since I lost track myself. I think in some of them I wasn't even present in my mind«, the boy confessed. San had already played with the thought that Wooyoung probably had some mental issues as well, what kind of got confirmed with this statement. But that was to be expected when a kid had to deal with so much alone. The only real home he ever knew got ripped away from him and since then the words "I'm going home" probably never had a real meaning to him. To San his home wasn't even the house of his grandmother. His home was his grandmother. And Hongjoong, Mingi, Yunho, Jongho, Yeosang and maybe even Seonghwa. It didn't matter in what house they were, as long as they were with him. 

No matter how much Wooyoung had hurt him, the thought of the boy not knowing that feeling of warmth and security made San feel so many mixed emotions again. Who wouldn't want to hug this empty looking boy, who clearly wasn't only a victim of the system but also a child that got abandoned from his own mother. San's heart might be broken right now but that didn't mean he was heartless. Only a heartless, cold person would turn their back in a moment like this. So San took every piece of willpower he had left and put them into a few words, to encourage Wooyoung to keep speaking to him. »Take your time«, he breathed out into the cold air. Wooyoung seemed so surprise to hear his voice that his eyes got bigger for a second. San even thought that some tears were starting to grow in them, but it might also be the strong wind that made his eyes tear up. »Through everything I tried staying in contact with my mother«, Wooyoung went back to the topic he wanted to talk about first. »I tried.. I tried so hard. I thought she would get better, you know? But it got worse. She was drunk all the time. There was one drug dealer boyfriend after another. I tried protecting her and keeping her away from them, you know? I tried helping her«, he suddenly started talking faster now, like he wanted to get the words out fast, so that he could move on from this topic quickly. His voice seemed so shaky while speaking about her, that San didn't even want to imagine everything that he had to go through.

»That's where some of the old scares come from«, he whispered after stopping for another moment. This confession must be the hardest one yet, San thought. He remembered Wooyoung freaking out after he had seen them for the first time. One thing San knew about Wooyoung for sure, was that the boy never wanted to seem like he was weak. Now, after he had explained about them a little bit, San thought that the scars didn't show weakness at all. They showed how brave he was to try protecting the only family he had left. »I couldn't help her and she didn't get better. Well sometimes I think she actually did, but she is very good in fooling me. Like the last time when she called the principal office to get me in the car with her boyfriend, because she "needed me so much". Everything she wanted was to use me of course. But I'm sure Hongjoong told you about that«. San remembered every single word his oldest foster brother had told him about the reason why Wooyoung left the school that day and got in that old shabby car. He thought the man would take him to his mother, but she only wanted her dealer boyfriend to make Wooyoung steal for them. And for that he got beat up. San felt sick in his stomach. After everything she had done to him Wooyoung still got in that car to check on her, even though he must've known what could happen, when he didn't do what they wanted him to do. San couldn't deal with all of this anymore. Seeing the first tear make his way down the cheek of the black haired boy made him tear up himself. »She was supposed to protect me and not me her«, Wooyoung kept on whispering. With every word you could hear more and more how hurt he was. »But I think I can understand a little now«. He breathed out hard again. »She loved my dad so much, that she can't bear living without him. Without him everything seems hard for her. Without him she only feels empty and sad«. San held his breath while Wooyoung was saying these words. He could understand now? Why now? Wooyoung kept looking straight into his eyes and San still didn't turn away from his either. They looked so tired but so honest now, that it took his breath away. His eyes said more than his words, but San didn't dare to interpret the situation. He just couldn't be meaning, what San was hopeing for.

»Before I got to you«, Wooyoung started again, but quickly shook his head, like that wasn't the words he had meant to let out. »I mean before I got to your grandmother's house«, he corrected himself. »I had to go to juvie for a second time«, he went further into the story. San was really nervous for what he was about to reveal. »I had been in this one foster family for some while. I think it was the longest I ever spend in one foster family. There was this boy, my foster brother«, he started to explain, but while he spoke the last few words, he suddenly turned his gaze down to his hands, like he couldn't look at San while talking about this topic. »We, um, got along very well. Spend almost every minute of the day together. After a while he revealed that he had a crush on me«, he kept on speaking. His words seemed really unsure now, like he didn't know where to start or what he actually wanted to say. San's heart suddenly started beating very fast. He would've never thought that Wooyoung's explanation would be going in a direction like this. Another boy. Another foster brother. How was he supposed to react to this? How was he supposed to feel about this? Wooyoung looked up for a quick second but turned away as soon as their eyes had met again. San was sure the look in his eyes was everything but understanding in this very moment.

»I always knew I liked guys«, Wooyoung said. »But I knew I didn't like him, not like that anyways. But I didn't want to push him away. I was scared our relationship was gonna change. That I would loose the one real friend I found since forever«, he continued. San couldn't move anymore. His whole body turned stiff listeining to Wooyoung now. »So I kissed him whenever he kissed me.. and to be honest, it felt good to have someone who wanted to be near you and who really liked you. It was something that suppressed the bad memories I just couldn't let go«. So it wasn't like San had just assumed a few moments before. It wasn't a thing for Wooyoung to fall for his foster brothers. It was a thing were his foster brothers fell for him. Had San made him feel like the boy had made him feel? Had Wooyoung kissed him, because San wanted to kiss him? Because he didn't want to loose him as a friend? San got shivers everywhere. If that was true, San would never kiss someone again. He felt.. disgusting. The boy came here to live here and not to be kissed from another, gay foster brother. Suddenly Wooyoung started sobbing. First San didn't really realize, but then his shoulders started to shake and the noice of heavy breathing appeared under the lowered hood. San instantly felt the tears running down his own cheeks as well and because he couldn't speak without breathing hard as well, he did the only thing that he thought was okay to do in this moment. He opened his legs just slightly more, so that his knee touched his, like in the train on their way to Wooyoung's favorite place. Maybe San jus imagined it, but the sobbing got quiter instantly and after a few more moments his shoulders started to relax. He heard him breathe in and out hard a few times, before he finally spoke again.

»After a while I didn't want to anymore. It just felt wrong to keep doing what we were doing and I didn't want to give him any more false hope«, Wooyoung started with a husky voice. He cleared his throat a little to be able to speak louder again. »So I told him and at first I thought he understood me and that we were okay. But after a week his dad came into my room. He was totally out of it. I could see the anger and aggression in his eyes immediately. I jumped up from my bed but there was no where to escape. The new scars and the bruises that I had when I came to your house, it was from him. I think he beat on me for like ten minutes straight. He said I had harassed his son, that I was a monster and that I would pay for everything I had done. After he just left me on the ground. I didn't leave the room before the police came to get me. He had told them that I was aggressive towards them and went to some kind of fights at night, that's why I looked how I looked. The police didn't believe me when I told them that I didn't do anything and that I was the one who had been abused. I never saw my foster brother again after that«, he finished explaining that part of his story. While he had kept on speaking the tears had stopped and his voice got clearer like he remembered that he was actually good at hiding his emotions again. It was like he fought the memories with making his body believe that he wasn't sad anymore. Wooyoung was sitting next to him without any movements again now, like he was some kind of ice statue.

San couldn't believe what Wooyoung had just told him. The one boy, the one friend, that Wooyoung had found had betrayed his trust just because he got his feelings hurt. It makes sense now, San thought. Why Wooyoung didn't want to speak to him at first. Why he tried keeping away from his foster brothers and him. Why he locked himself in his room so many times. He didn't want to be used and thrown away again. He didn't want to be beaten again. He just wanted to be save. San had taken that security, that he himself and all of the other six boys had tried giving him, away, when he started to have feelings for him. San knew that everyone that came to live with them had some kind of bad past but the had acted so selfishly and so one mined, just because he liked the boy so much and he didn't want to give up that feeling. He should've never done anything but being his foster brother. After San couldn't bare the ice cold silence anymore that had gotten over them, he spoke up for a second time today. And the only two words that he could say were so simple but so true, that he wished he could tell Woyoung them a thousand times at once. »I'm sorry«, he said. Never in his life he had meant these words more than in this very moment. Wooyoung surprisingly shook with his head and looked up from his hands immediately. His eyes were still red from crying. »You don't have to pity me. It's not your fault that most humans are pieces of shit«, he said while shrugging his shoulders. San was confused why he didn't react to his apologie. »No, I didn't mean it like that. I mean I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I kissed you. I'm sorry that I made you feel that you were back in the same situation again. I'm sorry that I ever looked at you differently as simply my foster brother«,
San explained his words. His own voice was shaky now and he had to try hard not to cry again. He was so, so sorry. Wooyoung was the one who seemed confused now. »No«, he said. »That's not how the story goes«. San looked at him questingly. »It never felt the same with you as it did with him«, he said and sounded very serious while speaking now.

"I kissed him, because I wanted to keep my friend".

"But I kissed you, because I wanted to kiss you".

San didn't know what to say. All of the emotions that were coming together hid him so hard, that he couldn't hold back more tears anymore. He couldn't even describe how extremely releaved he was. For a moment there he had really believed that he had also harassed Wooyoung. That he had used him for his own advantages. That Wooyoung saw him the same as his old foster brother. The friend who betrayed his trust. San would never. No, not even in the worst situations that he had found himself these last few months had he ever thought about getting the boy into trouble. The only thing he ever wanted was to make sure that he wasn't alone. »San«, Wooyoung whispered, which made him cry only more. He spoke with a soft voice while saying his name, like his name was really, really precious. It wasn't the first time he did this though. The first time he had said his name like this it was right after San had carried him to his mattress the night he was drunk. »You didn't do anything wrong, San«, he said now, which was the sentence that broke him once and for all. San was sobbing so hard now that he scared himself because of it. So Yeosang really had told Wooyoung about what San had told him. That he just needed to know what he did wrong to move on. Hearing Wooyoung saying that there wasn't anything made everything feel lighter instantly. Wooyoung pressed his knee closer to San's, which had the same effect on San that it had on Wooyoung earlier. He could breathe a little better again and started to calm down slowly. The little knee to knee touch was so, so special to San, that he wouldn't be able to ever explain why. It was almost like the picture to their promise to each other. I got you. The little touch just felt so intimate and healing to him.

»The people that I knew before you«, Wooyoung started talking again after San had calmed down a little bit more. »They did a lot of things wrong. It's why I'm so fucked up in the head. But you didn't do anything«, he repeated. »From the first time I saw you in the hallway to the time you followed me behind the building to the thousand of times you made sure I was okay, you approached me with nothing but kindness. Besides my dad I never met someone so kind and pure in my life«, the black haired boy assured him of his actions. It felt so good to have these ugly thoughts get kicked out, that San couldn't help the little smile that replaced the tears. Wooyoung smiled back for a little moment, before he got serious again. »It was always me and my fucked up mind. Every time I walked away from you or screamed at you or treated you like.. garbage. It was because I thought I was doing the right thing. I had this plan in my head to never get attached to a foster sibling or family like that again, so that I could move far, far away when I was eighteen and leave all of these fucking families behind me and never look back again. I just wanted the days to pass. But it turns out they don't pass that quickly when you are always alone in your room. And after a while I couldn't help but notice how nice you all are. So a little voice in my head told me that maybe I should try and that maybe I finally found a foster family that is actually what a foster family should be like«, he finally told San what was going through his mind the last few months while he was staying with his family.

»But then we kissed in that bathroom and for a moment there I thought you were just like him. That I was in the same situation again, but then, after I walked away from the bathroom I realized something. It couldn't be the same, because I made the decision to kiss someone this time simply because every part of my body had the desire to. I think I even knew that I liked you before that but I was just so focused on staying away. And when you told me in school that I had kissed you and not the other way around I felt like I was becoming what my old foster dad had accused me of«, Wooyoung explained further. »So I tried staying away with every cost. But then you helped me the night I was drunk and I couldn't help but being at least a little bit honest. And after that«, he said, before smiling a little bit again. It was weird for San to have the boys emotions so openly displayed in front of him. »You put everything into not leaving me alone again«. San couldn't describe the feeling of seeing Wooyoung smile because of a memory that involved him. »You took me to your favorite place, which made me absolutely have no control over my own plan anymore. Everything I wanted was to just be with you. So I kinda ditched my plan for a while. I showed you my favorite place and I think that was the moment where I knew that I didn't have the strength to go back to being alone anymore«, Wooyoung admitted. Hearing him talking about everything and explaining his point of view opened his eyes to so many answers.

Suddenly Wooyoung's honest, sweet, beautiful smile sliped away from his lips and San immediately knew why. The next part of the story was where everything had turned to shit. »When I heard my mothers voice on the telephone in the principals office it was like I woke up from the best dream of my life. I was back in every foster home I had every been in, I was back in juvie and I was back on the ground, while someone was beating on me«. Hearing these words hurt San deeply and it scared him to know that a person had such power over the boy, that he clearly couldn't protect as much as he wanted to. »I hadn't heard from here for around eight months so I just needed to see her. She seemed fine on the phone, didn't sound drunk or anything. Obviously I got fooled by her but that wasn't the point. The point is that I got remembered of why I came to you in the first place. I got remembered of what happens when you kiss your foster brother. So I freaked out and screamed at you before getting in that stupid car. I for sure thought that I could never go back to your grandmother's house. So I just stayed in some random park after my mothers boyfriend was done with me. But then the cops found me, took me back to your place after all and something happened that I didn't expect. You didn't tell her anything. Not even after I ran away. I thought it was just a matter of time before she would storm into my room and kick me out. But it never happened«, he said and sounded so shocked while speaking, that San could only shook with his head. How could this boy ever believe that he would want to hurt him like that? »You didn't even tell her after you went to the Comic Café to look for me and Mrs. Chung told you that I was there with a boy. I actually wasn't by the way. I just told her to say that because I knew you would come looking for me. I thought if you knew I was with a different guy you would stop looking for me«. And San did stop looking for him. Fuck.

San had to take some time to process all of his words before he could react to everything Wooyoung had just told him. Every time the black haired boy had screamed at him or pushed him away it wasn't real. It was because Wooyoung had been through so much shit in the past, that he didn't know how to trust people anymore. It was because he didn't know how to act anymore. And that he actually didn't take another boy to his favorite place made San feel embarrassed. He had been so jealous and hurt because of that, that he had acted extremely childish because of it. Woyoung had described him as kind but that wasn't all true. What San had done was not kind at all. It was very hurtful and he wished he could take it back. »I'm sorry I kissed Yeosang«, San blurred out. He just had to say it. Wooyoung showed so much strength and honesty right now that it was the only right thing to do. He had to acknowledge his own mistakes as well to complete the story. Wooyoung shook his head once again. »You did it because I flirted with this one guy in the living room. I only did that because I knew you were looking right at me, so basically we acted the same that night. I had it coming with how I treated you«, Wooyoung said calmly. He wasn't mad at all because of that? »Of course it hurt me but it was actually kind of refreshing to see, that you aren't 100% perfect«. San was the one who was shaking his head now. »I'm not perfect at all«, he said with a tone in his voice, that showed Wooyoung how truly ashamed he was because of the kiss. »I think you are imperfectly perfect«, Wooyoung stated. »Everyone has flaws, but not everyone has good intentions like you«.

San smiled at him because there wasn't any words that he could use to react to his. No words would be good enough to explain the feeling he had in this very moment. He was so relieved and happy, that they got to talk about everything. Of course he was super shocked about the things Wooyoung had told him. One thing wasn't quiet clear yet though, San realized. »What made you change your mind?«, he suddenly asked the boy, that was still sitting right next to him, knee to knee. Wooyoung was kind of surprised from the sudden question, which is why he tilted his head to the side a little. »What do you mean?«, he asked quickly. »You wanted to push me away and you did. But what changed your mind? Why did you come here?«, San asked again. Wooyoung looked down at his hands for a second, before looking straight back into his eyes. »It ate me up. Knowing what I did to you.. I couldn't look into the mirror anymore. My plan was to protect me but I didn't plan on hurting anyone while doing so. I'm very, very sorry, San. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, I just lost track of who I actually want to be. I hope you can believe me«, he said honestly. And San did believe him. Every single word. »After Yeosang came to find me this morning I just couldn't keep going like before. He told me how hurt you were and that I needed to fix it, because he had never seen you this out of it before«, he explained. »I promised myself to never hurt anyone as much as my mother and he hurt me«. His former foster brother. »And I did it with you and I'm sorry«, he apologized again, while looking at him intensely. San nodded slowly. »I think I can understand why you did what you did«, he said after thinking about it for a moment. It was a big statement to make and he wanted to make sure he meant it, but he did. The broken boy didn't know any better. He just wanted to survive.

His words meant everything to Wooyoung. San could just see it. The way he went back and forth between a smile and an expression that showed him how unbelievable this situation for him was. It was crazy to believe that a few hours ago San thought he would never say anything to him again and now they had this honest conversation and everything he wanted to do was to give the boy a hug. To give him a hug and to never let go of him again. So he did. He just scooted over a little more and put his arms around him. After a few moments he felt a tight grip around his body as well. While they were silently hugging San could hear Wooyoung whispering all of the sudden. »Thank you, Sani. Thank you for everything. Thank your for always having my back. Thank you so much«. San tightened his grip further and closed his eyes to get lost in this moment even more. He wished they could stay here forever. Here in their little hidden winter wonderland. San didn't know how long they hugged, before he finally whispered back. »I'm glad you wanted to kiss me, because of me and not because you felt like you had to kiss me«, he admitted. It was something he just had to say, because even though it still wasn't right having a relationship like this with your foster brother, he couldn't surpress the feelings he had for him and he wanted Wooyoung to know. They went through so much to get to his point. They went through so much to be able to hug on this bench without any lies between them. In this moment San felt closer to the boy in his arms than ever before and he just hoped, that he hugged him tight enough for the boy to realize how very special he was. How special and how worthy of being loved. In this moment nothing else mattered. He answered him with something that gave him more shivers than all of the cold wind surrounding them combined.  »I still want to kiss you, Choi San", Jung Wooyoung whispered.

San, who had changed so much since meeting him and who trusted the boy in front of him without a doubt after he told the truth about everything, pulled back from the hug and looked straight into his eyes. »You are beautiful«, San stated, which made Wooyoung smirk a little. There he was, San thought. The real Wooyoung. Not mean, not aggressive, but confident. »And you deserve everything«, San continued whispering, while laying both hands under his hood so he could pull the boy closer to him. His forehead was resting right against Wooyoung's now, which made him feel like the whole world belonged to them. They stayed in this position for a few seconds.

Then San kissed him.

Wooyoung kissed him back willingly.