Chapter 12: Mother

Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation

PAIN can really change a person.

What if the pain becomes unbearable?

Mas pipiliin ko nalang mawala, mas pipiliin ko nalang umalis, hindi dahil makasarili ako. Kung hindi dahil sa alam kong mas lalala kapag nanatili ako.

Everyday, no one even dared to ask me how am I doing? Am I still alright? There's literally no one. Though, I think someone can, but she's not here.

My mom is the only person who understands me.

Dad? He never did.

Nagising akong mugto ang mga mata. Wala pa rin akong tigil sa kaiiyak kahit ilang araw na ang lumipas.

Naririnig ko pa rin. Mga salitang nagpapa-alala sa akin ng nakaraan. Ang mga bulong at sigaw ay tila rinig ko pa rin.

Bobo.

Malandi.

Haliparot.

Kaladkaring babae.

Slut.

Whore.

Sugar baby.

Liar.

User.

"What a gloomy morning." saad ko. Unti-unti na namang namuo ang luha sa aking mga mata nang mapagtanto kong wala akong karamay.

Mahapdi pa rin ang hiwa na ginawa ko sa aking pulso. Ngayon ko lang napagtanto na napakarami ko palang barcode na nagawa. May mga natuyong dugo pa ang nagkalat sa braso ko.

I am like a magazine cover, I can put a barcode whenever I want.

Tulo nang tulo ang luha ko. A single tear drop embraced my scars. I was about to touch it with my hands when I felt my cracked phone vibrate.

Breaking News: Therry Ionna of Remarkably, Georgeous was confirmed to be on the scandal video.

My mind went haywire. I'm physically and mentally hurt. Why is it so easy for them to believe such video without knowing the whole story?

I mentally laughed. No one even bother to protect me. No one was there when I needed them the most! Sasabihin nila lagi na naandiyan lang sila kapag kailangan mo sila, pero nasaan sila?

I'm all alone.

My mom is the only one who can calm me down. She's my safe place. Pero, wala rin siya!

I decided to visit the bridge where all my memories with her happened.

Umalis ako nang bahay kahit alam kong maraming paparazzi na puwedeng makakita sa akin. Pero suwerte ata ako dahil ang alam yata nila ay hindi ako lalabas dahil may balita na namang kumakalat.

I walked across an empty street. I let the cold breeze embrace me. I looked at the sky and it was gray.

The rain started pouring and I felt the urge to cry because I know— the rain will hide it.

Bakit gano'n? Bakit kailangang ako ang dumanas ng ganito?!

Naging mabagal ang pagdating ko roon. Ang bagal ko maglakad dahil hinang-hina ako. Wala namang kung anong nangyari sa akin— maliban sa maulanan.

Tila hinuhugasan nito ang mga sugat ko.

Nakarating ako nang basang-basa, umiiyak at nanghihina.

This... This is the place we used to love.

I sat by the river and it made me complete. Alam ko kasing tulad ng pag-agos ng alon mula sa ilog, ang pag-ibig ng aking ina ay hindi matatapos. Hindi nagbabago ang pagmamahal niya sa akin kahit na nawala siya.

Nakatulala lamang ako, pero ramdam ko ang pag-init ng sulok ng aking mata.

Sa ilang araw kong pag-iyak ay naramdaman kong mag-isa nalang talaga ako. Ilang oras na rin akong nakaupo sa tabi ng tulay at namamanhid na ang buong katawan ko. I want this to end.

Sarili ay hindi maintindihan. But, I need to decide.

I don't have anything to lose. Wala rin namang maghahanap sa akin. Walang yayakap sa akin. Wala naman kasing nagmamahal sa akin, e!

Dad?

I'm not sure if he'll cry or feel upset, but I know he can overcome it. He'll survive. He'll be okay without me during these years. He may also be content. He won't be significantly affected by my absence.

Friends?

I don't have any. They just want to be with me back then because I was rich. Because I'm popular. But, they don't really want me.

God?

I feel sorry. But I hope He can forgive me for what I'm going to do. I hope I had the courage to believe that these was just a challenge.

I didn't intend to hurt anyone with my decision.  I love them all— but I needed to be alone. I need to be free. I need to be gone.

"Ano ba 'yan, umiiyak na naman ako. Nakakasawa na!" I cried.

This could be the end of everything.

I stood up and looked at the beautiful scenery in front of me.

I wish I was this beautiful. How I wish my surroundings were peaceful and quiet. How I wish everyone will look at me, like I was this euphoric place.

My eyes started to become blurred, I'm going to jump. Kung hindi ngayon, hindi naman na mababalik ang kahapon.

I was about to jump, when a girl suddenly slipped down to the river.

Everyone looked at the girl. Nagkakagulo ang lahat! Ang balak kong pagtalon ay naudlot. Parang mas pipiliin ko na lang tumalon para iligtas siya kesa iligtas ang sarili ko pero hindi ako marunong lumangoy.

Nagulat na lang ang lahat nang biglang may tumalon na isang matandang babae. Wari ko'y nasa 30s siya dahil mukhang bata pa. Siguro ay anak niya iyon. May isang binatang lalaki rin ang tumalon dahil sa isang matandang lalaki na sumigaw.

"Hindi marunong maglangoy ang asawa ko!"

They looked familiar, pero isinawalang bahala ko muna iyon dahil kinakabahan ako. The girl was saved by the young man and I was relieved. Binuhat siya nang tatay nito palayo at pinatahan.

I was about to go see the child, pero napagtanto kong binalikan ng lalaki ang matandang babae pero hindi pa sila umaahon.

Ilang segundo ang lumipas ng umahon ang lalaki. Bitbit ang putlang katawan ng babae ay itinakbo niya iyon sa isang patag na lugar.

"Sinong marunong mag-CPR?! Dali!" sigaw ng lalaki.

I was about to volunteer nang maunahan ako ng asawa ng babae. Binitawan niya ang anak at patakbong tinungo ang asawa.

Nakailang CPR din siya at pump pero hindi nagrerespond ang babae.

"Please, Esthefanie! Please!" paiyak na usal ng matanda.

Wala pa ring response ang babae. Tuluyan nang napaiyak ang karamihan. Lalo na ang matandang lalaki.

Habang pinapanood ko iyon ay hindi ko maiwasang maiyak. Puwede bang ako na lang ang mamatay at huwag na siya?

"Hi, Therry... Let me hug you!"

Tears pooled on to my eyes. She hugged me tight. The tingling sensation made me shiver.

I felt my whole body froze. Siya 'yung batang muntikan ng malunod!

"Holding in tears and pretending to be okay puts a lot of stress on your mind as well as your heart. Crying will keep you healthy." she said.

Mas lalo akong napaiyak! Pero, bakit andito siya? Dapat ay nandoon siya sa nanay at tatay niya!

"H-How? W-What? nauutal na usal ko.

"Let me tell you a story!"

"I was their favorite child. Syempre, nag-iisang anak lang naman ako e!" Tumawa ang bata. "Lagi nila akong inaalagaan. Hindi puwedeng madapuan ako ng kahit isang lamok! They always give me everything I wanted, they gave me love and affection. Kahit pa ayaw ko nang laruan ay binibigay nila sa akin. That's so sweet of them! Lagi kaming naandito nina Mommy at Daddy, this was my Mom's favorite place. Every picnic or swimming, laging dito ang pinipili namin. We love each other very much to the point that... Mommy sacrificed herself for me. To the point that she'll die just to make me live. She died for me. My mother died because of me!" She burst into tears and I realized that we're the same.

"Be careful, my love. I love you— t-that's the last thing she said before I slipped."

"You know what I realized? That someone will save you from all these things. But— hindi naman sila ang makakatulong sayo eh. Sarili mo! Because not everyone will be there to comfort you, to be with you, to save you. Lagi kang naghahanap ng pipili sayo, pero pinili mo ba sarili mo?" the girl asked.

"Do you even love yourself?" dugtong pa niya.

"Wala, e! Pagod na ako. Ang hirap mahalin ng sarili ko! Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako ganito, ayoko sa sarili ko, palagi nalang akong nagkakamali. Lagi nalang akong nakakasakit. I dont know how to be better. I'm lost, I'm so lost. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Kasi kahit ako, hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang nangyayari sa akin." I screamed.

"Ang sama ko. Kada kilos ko, kada maling desisyon, mas lalo kong kinakaayawan ang sarili ko. Lahat nalang ng lumalapit sa akin, nasasaktan kaya nilalayuan ako, kasi ganito ako. But I can't blame them dahil kasalanan ko naman lahat."

"Siguro nga, masama akong tao kaya wala akong karapatang sumaya." I stated.

"We all make mistakes, but that doesn't make us a bad person. Dont beat yourself too hard. You deserve to be happy, but the first step is to love yourself first."

"Time heals everything is not always true, you just learn to accept and hide emotions."

"When something bad happens, you have three choices: You can either let it define you, destroy you, or let it strengthen you. It define you, it destroyed you— so now, let it strengthen you."

"Please, stay with me."

The last tear dropped on to my heart. This will be the last time I will cry because of this problem!

I'm on the verge of ending my life and she saved me. I saved myself. Narealize ko lang iyon nang biglang bumalik ang lahat sa dati, walang tao sa tulay dahil umuulan at ako lang mag-isa. Ang nakita kong senaryo ay ang ala-alang tagal ko nang kinalimutan. Mga ala-alang bumalik sa pamamagitan ng aking imahinasyon. Mga ala-alang bubuhay sa'kin. Maybe it was my mom's way to save me.

And the last thing I knew, I was saved.

She's my home, and I can't bear to lose my home.

Ang paglipad ng kulay puting lobo ay tila kasabay ng paglipad ng mga ala-ala. Ang ihip ng hangin ay nadarama at ang patak ng ulan ay tila nakikisabay sa pagtangis ng mga tao. Lahat ay tila kulay itim at puti lamang. Puting damit, puting lobo, itim na payong at itim na kalangitan.

Ilang mga tao ang makikitang nakatingin sa kulay itim na kalangitan. The sky looks gloomy and longing. The gentle howling of the wind brings shiver in everyone's skin. Ang iba ay umiiyak, habang ang iba naman ay kakikitaan ng lungkot. Tila binabalikan ang mga ala-ala ng isang babaeng hindi nila inaasahang mawawala.

She has never hurt anyone, never did some bad things on others. She was very kind and lovely. Everyone praises her for her kindness and prosperity.

Why does good people always the one to go to that paradise first?

"Ionna, you're so beautiful!" My mom said.

"We will support you in everything you want, Ionna." Dad said, happily.

"Always remember that I'm here with you. Wishing for your success and happiness. I'll be forever in your heart"

"I will miss you, Ionna. I love you."

NAPABALIKWAS ako ng bangon habang habol-habol ang sarili kong hininga. My body is full of sweat and it was like, I run for a long kilometer. My heartbeat's racing so
fast that I thought I'm going to have a heart attack.

Napahawak ako sa aking mukha at muli kong nakapa ang pagkabasa noon. I thought I was okay, I thought I was fine. I thought I was okay with those things and memories that hurt me. I thought I'd move on but here I am again, crying.

That dream again. Palagi ko na lang siyang napapanaginipan. That was years ago and still, it's lingering in my mind.

Napabuga ako ng hangin bago hinilamos ang kamay sa aking mukha. I brushed my hair using my fingers and tried to calm down for a moment.

"I miss you so much. I know you're already happy, because you are not suffering anymore. You will always be in my heart, my home."