Chapter 11: Changed

Trigger Warning: Self-harm

GOOD things never last. Hindi na ako magiging maayos, pagod na akong maging disappointment. They disowned me. I'm a disgrace to my family. I am tired of being my own saviour.

But... life never stops when you get hurt. You just have to be strong and embrace the pain.

Everytime that I went to school. I always see their faces. Ang mga mukha ng dating humahanga, ngayon ay galit at inis ang ipinapakita. Ang mga mukha na dating inggit, ngayon ay pagmamalupit. Ang mga mukha ng dating nagpapasalamat, ngayon ay hindi natutuwa. Ang mga mukha ng dating naninibugho, ngayon ay pait at pandidiri.

Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they'll notice. If they don't, you know where you stand with them.

"Therry, magkano ka?"

"Oy, isang gabi lang oh?"

Walang tigil na pang-aasar ang bumubungad sa akin. Mapasaan man ako magpunta, laging aamay masasabi. Totoo nga na kahit anong gawin mong tama, ang isang pagkakamali lamang ang mapapansin nila. At iyong pagkakamali na 'yun ang babase sa iyong buhay.

The next days were painfully slow.

I tried so many ways so I can earn their trust and support again. I did what they want me to do, but not the things that will make me regret again. They always command me to do things. Naging isang sunod-sunuran ako ng mga tao. Naging taga punas ng sapatos, taga bili ng pagkain, taga linis ng school. Para akong alipin na hindi man lang nasuswelduhan.

"Hey, Therry. You want my trust, right? Then, you should wear these!" someone said. She handed me a pair of laced lingerie that eventually will reveal my whole body.

These was never my intention when I said that I will abide them for their trust.

And I will never change for someone. If they can't accept you for who you are at your worst, they don't deserve to see you at your best.

Binitawan ko ang binigay niya sa akin at umalis doon.

"Oh, looks like Therry have the nerves to disobey me!"

I didn't want to listen to every word that they say. But, I just can't ignore it.

Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na ang mga taong dating gustong gusto akong makasama, ang mga taong dating gusto akong maging kaibigan, at ang mga taong dating humahanga, ngayon ay wala na. Dahil sa isang video, hinusgahan nila ako.

True to what Isaac Asimov said, that "the saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom". It's true, because most of them rely on news and informations that are circulating but not on what really is happening. Mas paniniwalaan pa nila ang chismis kesa sa totoong nangyari. Simpleng salita o post sa social media, paniniwalaan agad. It's too bad.

Nag-iisip ako sa isang sulok nang biglang may bumato ng malaking kahon sa ulo ko.

"That's what you deserve!" Umalis sila at nagtawanan.

Nanlaki ang mata ko nang makita ang laman ng malaking kahon. Puro picture ko iyon na edited. Mga litratong tila ako'y nakahubad. Litratong hindi kapani-paniwala ngunit mas pinaniniwalaan nila at pinapanigan. Mas nagimbal ako nang may lumabas na mga ipis mula sa isang mas maliit na kahon. Nagsigapangan iyon kaya lumayo ako.

Sumusobra na sila.

I tried to talk to our principal but to no avail. He doesn't believe to what I am saying, he even offered me thousands for me to have a night with him. They're so much crazier.

I wanna tell them that they shouldn't believe everything they hear. But, there are always three sides to a story. Yours, theirs and the truth.

Ako'y parang isang balon, hindi napupuno kahit anong ibato sa akin. Pero hindi ko inaakala na pwede pala akong maubos.

My worst battle is between what I know and what I feel.

I just can't talk to anyone. Well, sino bang kakausapin ko?

I cried. I went home and there— I break down.

When tears gathered in my eyes, I noticed that my eyesight had become fuzzy. My chest is getting tighter as my heart beats. I briefly believed that my blood had stopped moving through my body. My hands grew cold, and the agonizing pain made me want to rip my heart out.

It's so sad that a single video can turn my world upside down. Just one video, and everything changed.

Walang may pakielam sa nararamdaman ko. No one can save me now.

"Aaaahhh! Aaaaah! Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako!" sigaw ko habang umiiyak. Patuloy na tumutulo ang luha mula sa aking mga mata.

Sa gitna ng pag-iyak ko ay lumapit ako sa aking vanity mirror. Mas lalo akong napaluha nang makita ang sariling repleksyon.

Bakit ang dami kong breakouts? Bakit parang lumalaki ako? Bakit ang oily ng mukha ko? Bakit ang gulo ng buhok ko? Bakit hindi maayos ang mukha ko?

"Lahat nalang hindi okay! Lahat nalang hindi maganda! Lahat nalang magulo!"

"Walang maayos, everything's a mess!"

"I am... the mess!" I said, crying.

Tinapon ko lahat ng bagay na makita ko. Mabilis ang ginawa kong pagkakalat ng mga gamit ko. I make sure na walang natira sa lamesang nasa harap ko. I heared how some of the things cracked. Ginulo ko ang lahat habang umiiyak. Sinira ko lahat ng makita ko at itinatapon iyon. Hindi pa ako nakuntento. Miski ang lampshade at cellphone ay walang habas kong ibinato.

Humarap ulit ako sa salamin at kinausap ang aking sarili.

"How can you not be perfect?" usal ko.

"Why can't you be like others?"

"What is happening to you?"

"Why can't you be selfish even just for once?"

"Why?... W-Why? I've done e-everything I could to protect you— to cherish you! But, w-why did you have to be so broken?" I uttered, crying helplessly.

Hinawakan ko ang isang maliit na salamin sa tabi ko. Tiningnan ko roon ang repleksyon ko at hindi ko maiwasang pagmasdan ang aking sarili. Napahigpit yata ang hawak ko kung kaya't nabasag ito.

Wasak na nga ako, pati ba naman ang salamin na 'to?

I didn't know what to do! I'm not sure what to do with this feeling any longer. I want to smash it all together, but I can't kill something that isn't alive... However, something that is not alive has the potential to kill me.

Pinagmasdan ko ang wasak na salaming hawak ko. The glass shattered at my hands, making my hands bleed. I suddenly felt the urge to do that thing.

Nanginginig na pinulot ko ang basag na salaming nagkalat sa kamay ko at sa sahig. Blood. I want to see my blood.

"Maybe, just maybe this can help."

With shaky hands, I harshly cut my wrist.

It feels like my world shuts down.

I felt nothing. Para bang namanhid na ako sa lahat.

I suddenly felt the tingling sensation on my wrist. It was painful but me as a shattered pieces was more painful.

I can't bear it anymore.

I cut my wrist nonstop. No one will ever stop me.

Sumasabay sa pagpatak ng mga luha ko ang pagpatak ng dugo sa braso ko. Wala na akong pakialam.

To satisfy myself more, I even sprinkled it with alcohol.

Me Mori.