Apparently, dinner with the Lawson men was a common thing in my parent's house. Luke was one of the first people they had met when we moved from Colorado. Then again, he was also a constructor in the same company as my father. Seeming that we were also neighbors, they hit it off pretty soon.

Dad told Mom about the fact that Luke's wife had died when Chris was five years old, and she took it in her to adopt them as friends. She persistently invited them over for dinner and she always tried to outdo herself with her cooking and such. Yes. I could see the resemblance there. I'd gotten the persistent trait from her, that was for sure.

So, it was pretty cool when I met Chris back in that detention room during my first week of school and he turned out to be my neighbor, too. In my defense, I'd been on detention for being late in my first week, and so was Chris. We'd been late for different reasons, but being late didn't seem a dangerous activity for Mom. She didn't mind much about the motorcycles—as long as I wasn't in them—because she felt like she needed to adopt the kid in a way. And she sure as hell didn't know about the street fighting, not that he was into it much in the first place, because since he met me, he didn't mind to switch them for hanging out with me. Also, Chris was always charming and educated around my parents and myself, winning her over in no time.

Tonight wasn't the exception. Mom had gone all the way with the homemade lasagna she'd cooked. My sisters had helped to make a meringue lemon pie too. I'd avoided the kitchen by downloading the photographs in my computer send them to Michael and the kind teacher. My right foot never stopped bouncing as I sat in front of my laptop and set to work.

Despite the enticing aromas emanating through the house, I wasn't hungry. My stomach was in knots by the time Mom called for me.

I took my sweet time to go downstairs, but a soon as I did, she assigned me the task to place the table on the dining room. My chest felt tight as I placed the silverware and plates, thinking how awkward this whole situation was for me. I was just finishing setting up the final touches when the doorbell rang.

My stomach churned uneasily as I heard my sisters running down the stairs to open the it and greet our neighbors. I ignored my racing heart as I took more time than necessary to finish my job. My heart did skip a beat when I heard Chris' deep voice greet them back.

Mom yelled at me to go say hello, and I had to take a deep breath, before trying to put a joker smile on my face.

Everything will be fine, Farah.

Luke looked thinner than how I'd remembered him. His brown hair was filled with gray hairs and I couldn't but notice the dark circles under his eyes. The bright smile that greeted me hadn't changed at all, though. He engulfed me in a tight hug as I patted him awkwardly on the back, trying really hard not to look at his son.

He pulled apart, still holding me by the arms. "You look so grown up, Farah!" He glanced at my mother. "And more beautiful than ever, too."

Mom chuckled. "She is, isn't she?" Flushing like crazy, I stepped back, passing a strand of hair behind my ear. Swallowing hard, I glanced at Chris. Riley was standing next to him, saying something when he looked at me. Our gazes met for a moment, but the moments our eyes locked, I felt like an electric shock passed through me. As a shaky breath left my lips.

Awkwardly, I leaned on the wall, next to the dining room, as Haley grabbed his hand and pulled him to the living room. I followed after him. Dad arrived at that moment and a faint smile played in my face when he stepped closer to me and kissed me on the forehead.

I busied myself by helping Mom serve the appetizers and everything she needed for dinner. When everything was ready, I couldn't find any other excuse not to be with the rest of the party. I stepped in the living room and sat next to Mom, who was laughing at something Luke and Dad were joking around.

Haley and Riley were playing cards with Chris. My chest constricted at the familiar way everyone seemed to be around each other. It was silly, but I felt like an observer in all those times they got together without me. Tears prickled my eyes as I pressed my lips in a tight slash. I couldn't help but notice how unguarded Chris was towards my sisters. His easy smile, the one that won me over that first day we met was there for them, yet I hadn't seen it for me. Not once, since I'd arrived.

Get over it, Farah.

Shifting on my seat, I gazed at my shoes when Riley's sweet voice called me over. I glanced up to find her smiling at me. "Do you want to play?" Both Haley and Chris turned to me. My stomach flipped.

"No, you guys go ahead, I'll jump in on the next game." Haley turned to her cards but Chris gazed at me. For a moment, he looked like he wanted to say something, but then he pressed his lips together and resumed his game.

Mom got up to check up on the lasagna and I followed after her like a puppy. She took it out of the oven, and while she was placing it over the stove, she turned to me. "How are you feeling?" her blue eyes watched me expectantly as she peeled away the aluminum foil from the dish.

And you ask now?

Thank you for taking in count my feelings when inviting them over Mom.

My body was tense as I shrugged. Pressing my lips together, I grabbed the salad bowl, walking out of the kitchen under Mom's scrutinizing eyes.

It was annoying that she invited them, even after knowing how I felt.

For the rest of dinner, I stayed quiet, listening to the trivial conversation and pretty much concentrated on my plate. Luke asked me a few questions about California, and I told him about my job at the bookstore and also about the hours I had to work for the scholarship. His talk was pleasant and made me feel more at ease.

My parents wanted to have the coffee and pie on the porch outside. The weather was nice for a summer night, and we all helped bring everything out. The soft breeze caressed my arms as I sat on the grass, a plate with a piece of pie in one hand and coffee on my other side. The adults were seated on the garden table, but I rather stay a bit far away from them. Mom had been sending me concerned looks from time to time, and to be honest, I was still pissed at her.

Riley and Haley were running around the garden, playing a silly game. I followed them with my eyes, their laughter filling up the night. I sighed.

What I'd give to feel as carefree as they looked.

"So you work at a bookstore?" Chris sat next to me, carefully holding his dessert as he crossed his legs.

"I do." My tone was soft as I sank the spoon on the pie.

He was quiet for a moment. "I guess that bookie was a good nickname, after all."

My heart clenched at his old endearment. When we were dating, he'd nicknamed me bookie after I told him that one day I wanted to be a writer. The name annoyed the crap out of me, but at the end, I sort of liked it. Not that I'd ever admit that to him. He was the only one to call me like that just to mess up with me.

Why did he bring it up, though?

The scent of his cologne reached me as the breeze teased my cheeks. My heart sank.

What are you doing next to me?

Why do I have those feelings brewing inside of me? Feelings that I thought were completely forgotten. Yet, clearly, they are still here.

Why do I have to see you every second of every fucking day?

I couldn't show how much he affected me, though. Swallowing hard, I stayed quiet for the longest of moments, trying to calm the pain in my heart, the jealousy from seeing him interact with everyone but me, and the way his stare made me feel butterflies in my stomach.

The air felt thick with unspoken words, untold feelings and guilt and regret.

Did I take the right decision?

Had breaking up with him had been the right call?

What would have happened if we didn't?

Would we still be together?

Did it matter?

My hands were trembling as I tucked them underneath my thighs. My chest hurt, every thump felt like a blow to my soul. What the fuck is he doing here, next to me? Doesn't it hurt him? Doesn't he have the urge to grab my hand, to pull me closer, to feel my lips?

To know, if they feel the same? If there's something there still?

I'm so fucked up.

My throat felt like sandpaper, I washed it out with coffee, averting my eyes, blinking rapidly to make the tears disappear.

Chris coughed beside me, clearing his throat afterward. "Do you like it?"

I assumed he was still talking about my job. Biting my lip, I nodded softly as I stared at the mug. "I do," my voice was barely a whisper, because I didn't want him to hear how thick of emotion it really felt.

"That's good," he murmured after a moment of silence.

Haley came to the rescue, asking Chris to play another board game with them. Her dark eyes turned to me when he stood up, but I shook my head with a faint smile on my face. "Next time, Hals." Shit. I keep forgetting that she doesn't like it. Her eyes narrowed as I shrugged apologetically, completely avoiding Chris' eyes.

When they left, I exhaled slowly, feeling like I could finally breath, but not quite.

It still hurts. 

Thank you for reading me!