Wanna be your vacuum cleaner
Breathing in your dust
Wanna be your Ford Cortina
I won't ever rust
If you like your coffee hot
Let me be your coffee pot
You call the shots babe
I just wanna be yours

"Margot Lenon picks her nose and eats it when the science class watch documentaries."

"Britana Simmons sent nudes to Professor Naughton at the start of her Junior year."

"Doug Harma called Mrs Canon mom three times in the past week."

"Carl Jing does people's homework for sexual favours."

"Shanique Maso tells people she cuts herself, but actually doesn't."

"Dani Koen's a lesbian."

"Louis York's parents got a divorce because of him."

"Atticus Marks' dad is dating an eighteen year old."

"Do you guys have to read it out loud?" I complain to Bambi and Milan. The former closes the burn book gently, placing it back under my bed.

Bambi, Aiden and I are on the floor whilst Tim, Milan and Lucas sit on my mattress. Jake is on my windowsill and Brett is in my desk chair. The group feels so right with Rylie, Perrie or McKenzie there. Like we all belong and fit.

The only tension in the room is between Tim and I, but even that can be tolerated.

"How do you know Danielle's a lesbian?" Jake asks.

"Three words; gym locker room," Bambi answers.

"She stares," Milan adds on.

"At you? So, should we be like, annoyed? Because if it was a guy we'd be annoyed," Lucas says like a complete idiot. Milan smiles at him.

"Well you're welcome to be 'annoyed' but it wasn't us she was staring at," she tells him, before she and Bambi simultaneously look at me.

I roll my eyes at them as I stand up and walk to my bedroom door. I hadn't noticed any staring, no more than usual anyway. Sexual orientation was the last thing I wanted to put in the burn book. Milan had put it in herself. Who cares if she's gay?

I open the door yell out to my mother in Spanish, wondering if she needs us yet.

She yells back a 'yes'.

"What did she say?" Brett asks dumbly.

"Yes. Come on."

I walk out into the hallway with the others following behind me. We trudge down the stairs and assemble in the living room.

"What do you want us to do, mama?"

As per usual she is wearing a dress and heels, hair perfect and makeup done like a pro. She grins widely at us but I can see some sort of evil glint in her eyes.

"Milan, Lucas, Amber; could you please wrap all of the ornaments in the dining room in newspaper and place them in these boxes?" She begins, gesturing to the giant shelf behind her. The three nod and get to work.

"Jake, Brett, Aiden; there are some boxes and pieces in the entrance that need to go into the truck. Could you help Ellery move those? She's out there now." I was wondering where my sister was.

Hold up...this means...

"Addy, Tim, could you empty this bookshelf please?" She points behind her. Tim and I nod lamely, dumbstruck at the outcome. So subtle mama.

Honestly I'm surprised anyone understands with how thickly her accent is coming out. She must have had a few glasses of wine. Everyone goes off in opposite directions, leaving Tim and I to walk towards the bookshelf. 

"If you could uh," I trail of, tugging my ponytail awkwardly, "do the top rows I'll clear the bottom?" We haven't been alone together since he dumped me.

"Sure," he replies in and equally soft tone. His stature reads on guard, with his shoulder's tense, his hands in his pockets and his eyes caught on the ceiling. 

I grab a box, kneel down and start pulling books out and stacking them neatly. It's awkward, because I keep having to manoeuvre in front of Tim to reach some of them. His skinny jeans look just-...flawless.

"Have you- Have you finished the calculus stuff?" He begins. I glance up at him as I finish clearing out the bottom section. He really wants to talk?

"Finished it in class actually. You?"

"Not yet. Been a bit distracted," Ugh, with McKenzie I bet, "I saw you sister."

"Halo? Didn't think she'd want  to see Dick."

"Neither did he, but she showed up and they went out for lunch. Guess it's good they're sorting it out. It's the right thing to do."

I notice the hint he tries to slip me. Does he expect me to forgive him for breaking my heart?

After that little exchange, things go very quiet. All that can be heard is my sister and the boys outside, idle chatter from the dining room and the books hitting the boxes.

"Can I ask you something?" I question before I even think about it. He looks down at me and nods. "Does McKenzie know you're here?"

Immediately his expression shifts to one of guilt. His eyes flicker to the ceiling and his shoulders roll at the mere mention of a lie. I want to smile at that fact that he had lied to her, but instead I feel somewhat sympathetic.

"Typical," I snort.

"Excuse me?"

"You'd disappear all the time when we were... And you'd never tell me where or why. Guess it's a habit," I shrug, placing the last book in the boxes.

{Hold your hand in deep devotion // As deep as the Pacific ocean}

We tape them shut in silence, Tim's mood changing to irritable from my words. I feel bad. Not too bad. Bad enough though. I know it's not his fault that he dashes off all the time, but it still sucks.

There are four boxes. Seeing as I have a fair bit of muscle from dancing, lifting two is easy. Same for Tim. We carry them out to the entrance. 

Ellery glances between us as she and Aiden lift a desk together, carrying it outside towards the loading truck. There are three boxes plus ours left.

"Hey, Adds. What's this?" I hear Milan ask from behind. I turn around, met with the sight of her, Lucas and Bambi walking towards us with more cargo.

She is holding a gold photo frame with three spaces in it. In each is a book page.

"When we were born in Colombia mom knew she wanted her girls to have more Western names, because she was certain we'd move to a city one day. The first page there is from the bible, Ezekiel 1:28. 'All around his was a glowing halo, like a rainbow shining in the clouds on a rainy day.' So halo became Halo. Next is a page from a detective novel, written by Ellery Queen, the main character of the same name. That's where Ellery comes from. And last is from my dad's favourite book, on Australia. Adelaide is a city there. My mom kept the pages because they're important to her," I explain.

Where is she, anyway?

Milan puts the frame in a box and tapes it up, just as a pizza delivery car rounds the corner.

"Mama!" I shout. After a moment her head pops out the door. When she spots the car she ducks back in and returns with money.

The pizza guy hands over three boxes. Ellery takes them and places them on the grass, where everyone forms a circle. I drop between Jake and Lucas. Pepperoni, margarita and hawaiian for some God-awful reason.

"You were doing such a good job so I thought I get you some dinner," my mother says, as everyone begins digging in. Except me.

Pizza is not what ballerinas eat.

And I can feel their stares. It's not just El, Bambi, Milan and Tim anymore. The boys have noticed now too, though they're probably realising they've never seen me physically eat, just drink.

The family dog Jethro emerges from the house. He's a good boy, so instead of trying to eat the pizza he drops behind Ellery.

I smile at him, before my mother catches my eye at the front door. Her expression is like stormy wrath; a mother's worry and I know why. El is giving almost the exact same look.

Sighing, I reach forward and grab a slice of margarita, giving my sister an 'Are you happy?' look. I won't deny that it tastes good, but with every bit I'm nearly gagging on it. I want to wretch with every swallow and it takes me ages to prep myself for another bite.

Nothing is worth the feeling of eating something so oily and fattening. I hate this. This is going to tip that scale like a landslide. I'll never be a ballerina if I eat like this. This leads to more and more leads to-

"Who wants pepsi?"

"Me!"

Whilst the commotion of getting hands on drinks ensues I jump up, unseen since with my black clothes I blend with the garden shadows.

Even the feeling of walking and being full is sickening enough. I sneak past my mother in the living room and down the hallway. I enter the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against it. I can already feel my heart rate going through the roof.

It feels horrible having eaten that.

It's been a while since I've done this. I'd done so well in eating very little per day. Nevertheless, it needs to happen. 

Spotting my toothbrush against the mirror, I grab it in a tight, shaking fist. I look at myself if the mirror. Latin features with purple eyes shining through, filled with distressed tears.

The shell of the girl I was before.

Using my toothbrush, I make myself sick.

Because it's the only way. 

Secrets I have
Held in my heart
Are harder to
Hide than I thought
Maybe I just wanna be yours
I wanna be yours
I wanna be yours

If you are suffering from an eating disorder please contact a helpline now.