As I push through the front door, I stride over to the edge of the patio and crumble against the foot of the stairs. Tears pour down from my cheeks and I make little attempt to wipe them away. My cheeks are red and my eyes are swollen and my heart is squeezing and clenching the life out of me, making it not only hurt emotionally, but physically too.

The words that broke me echo in my head like a song on repeat, except that it was a song I truly loathed and I was forced against my own will to listen to it.

Sometimes I wish you weren't my daughter.

My dad didn't just say it, he exclaimed it. As if he'd been harboring those words for a long time and when I finally pushed him to his limit, he exploded.

I never liked my dad. And especially after what he did to mom, my hatred for him grew even more. But I never truly hated him. How could I? After everything that he's done, I can't deny that he's still my dad.

And no matter how much I say I don't love him, a little part of me knows for certain that that's just a lie. A stupid lie to cover up how much he has hurt me.

It's awful—despite how screwed up our parents are, we'll always harbor love for them. Whether we want to or not.

There is a burning need for me to talk to someone about this. My first instinct is to call Jax and tell him about what happened with my dad. I slide my phone out of my pocket and dial his number but as my finger hovers over the call button, I hesitate.

I know exactly what he'll say to me.

You shouldn't care about this, princess. Screw your dad, alright? He doesn't understand you. Nobody understands you but me.

Once, those words would have comforted me. But not tonight. I just want him to say that it's going to be okay, that once my dad calms down, I'll get to fix things between us again... but I know for sure that I won't ever hear Jax utter those words to me because he isn't like that. It's not in his nature to fix things.

It's in his nature to destroy.

"S-Sienna?"

I don't turn around. I hug my knees together and press my cheek on top of them, wishing that the silent tears will erase the past thirty minutes. I hear footsteps etching closer and an all-too familiar figure as she takes the steps and sits beside me.

Beth looks at me, wide-eyed filled with curiosity and sympathy. I can tell she wants to reach for me—to hug me or pull me closer to her—but she doesn't. She knows all too well that it will only make matters worse for me.

"I h-heard what happened with you and dad," she mumbles quietly. "I didn't mean to but the s-screaming was so loud."

"It's okay," I say. "I'm pretty sure the whole neighborhood was listening."

Beth didn't have anything to offer in response to that. She just shrugs. "I'm s-sorry. About what he said to you."

"You don't have to apologize for him."

"I know, but I still feel p-pretty bad about what he said. It must be awful."

Yeah, well no shit.

"It's fine. I'm over it." I sniff.

"You don't look over it."

"I said I'm fine, Beth. Leave it alone." I can't help but snap at her. But to my surprise, she doesn't flinch.

"I know you're a-angry. But I'm going to stay here when you feel like you're r-ready to talk about it," she murmurs, squeezing her legs together. "Maybe you d-don't want to talk to me right now. Maybe you want to talk to Bray?"

"It's date night with Trev. I can't possibly intrude."

"How about Jax?"

My stomach sinks even further. I shake my head. "No. I'm not in the mood to talk to him."

Beth lifts a curious eyebrow. "W-why? Did something happen between the both of you?"

I don't know what to say. I've never talked about Jax to Beth before because I didn't want to put her in such an awkward position, with her being in love with him and everything. So I always avoided the topic. But lately, she's been really cool and supportive about our relationship—so much so that I may be comfortable enough to talk to her about it.

But instead, I don't.

"Nothing. We're fine. We're perfect."

"Doesn't sound that way at all."

I sigh. "Just small problems. You know how it is with relationships."

"No, I d-don't actually. Because I've never b-been in one." Beth scoots closer to me, a careful smile dangling on the edge of her lips. "Tell me what it's like."

I like that she knows that talking about this rather than what happened with my dad will make me feel better—if not, distract me from the situation at hand. So I buy into it, because a distraction is much needed right now.

"Sometimes, it's as easy as breathing," I say, smiling as the memories pour out of me, one after another—Jax and I on our first not-date, Jax kissing me in that ring, me making love to him, me loving him until my heart ached. But as the memories fade away, I frown, because those wonderful moments always come with a hefty price. "But other times, it's like trying to solve a math equation with bananas."

"Bananas?" She laughs.

"Weird analogy, but you get what I mean. It's impossible."

Beth merely nods.

"But honestly? I feel it's worth it. Going through the storm to get to the rainbow," I say, not realizing that I've already made up my mind about what I wanted to do about me and Jax's relationship. I don't care what Julian has said—Jax won't destroy me. He loves me. And I love him. And that's all there is to it. I'm gonna fight for that love. I'm gonna fight with everything that I got. I don't care how long it'll take me; I don't back down easily. "It's worth fighting for. To me, at least."

A smile so genuine appears on Beth's face. "That's really nice. I wish I had that."

"Maybe you will."

She snorts. "Don't be r-ridiculous."

"You don't have to get one right now. Wait till college. The guys are hotter there."

A laugh bubbles out of her. "I'll take you up on that. If t-there's none, the first person I'm coming after is you."

"Fine," I huff out a laugh as I glance up at her.

"You're smiling," Beth says, her grin growing. "I made you smile."

My fingers drift over to touch the curve of my lips. "Huh, I guess you did."

"Do you feel a little b-better now?" She asks.

I nod wordlessly. Beth smiles and loops an arm around me to pull me close to her. She hugs me, and it's then I realize how much I've missed these moments with my sister. Lately, because of my relationship with Jax, we hadn't been spending time with each other much even though we have the same circle of friends so it's nice that I get to do so now.

"Sienna, I h-hope you don't think dad hates you. I think sometimes he just gets really f-frustrated with trying to handle you. You're quite a r-rebellious one, you know," she says.

"Oh, I know," I choke out a small laugh. "I live to give him hell."

"I think the both of you need some s-space from each other right now," Beth says quietly. "Hey, you're eighteen now. Maybe it'll be better to move out—"

"That's exactly what I've been thinking for the past few months now. I've been meaning to tell you," I say, leaning onto her shoulder. "I've been searching for places near BU because that's where I want to go after summer. And I've found an amazing place. It's a two bedroom apartment and it has an amazing view and it's perfect for us," I say, then upon noting the confusion that is written on her face, I add quickly, "I mean—that's if you want to stay with me. I've been meaning to ask you—"

"Yes," Beth says quickly. "Yes, I w-want to get out of here."

"Really? Are you sure? You're not even going to take time to consider—"

"No." She shakes her head. "W-wherever you go, I go. Sisters stick together."

My lips curl upwards—a grateful smile. "Then, it's settled. We're moving in together!"

She squeals and hugs me even tighter. "This is going to be s-so much fun! Just the two of us!" She grins at me sillily. "You won't regret having me with you, Si, I promise!"

* * *

The next few weeks passed by very quickly. I had a lot of things to do, despite the fact that it's summer and I've already graduated high school.

During that short period, Jax and I celebrated our two year anniversary of us being together. The date so happened to clash with my dad's wedding, so I used that as an excuse to ditch their reception. We didn't do much together. Just the usual—we'd talk, he'd flirt, I'd kiss him, we'd have mind-blowing sex, and then I'd see the scars on his back and it would remind me that when it comes to unravelling his secrets, I'm weak and lost and completely at his mercy.

I don't know why I wouldn't just upright confront him about it. What is wrong with me? If he were anyone else, I'd do it without a second thought. It makes me feel pathetic. I'm usually not like this.

Maybe a part of me is scared. What happened with Damien and his croonies—me asking Jax about why he wouldn't stop hitting him when I told him to—him shrugging me off like I'm nobody to him—it's a painful reminder of how no matter how many years we've spent together, he'll never fully trust me.

I shouldn't love someone who doesn't trust me. But I do and I can't help it. I hate that about myself. I love Jax fiercely—with my heart and soul and everything in between. Every part of me belongs to him and every thought of mine goes to him. I put him first, always, and I'm uncertain if he does do the same to me.

Nothing good comes out of me asking Jax about those scars. Either he'll tell me and I won't like the ugly truth behind them or he doesn't tell me, and I'm left in the dark again, completely helpless, silently hating him and still loving him at the same time.

I'm a mess. He makes me become a mess.

"This place is a mess," Jax says as he saunters into the new apartment. He isn't wrong. There are boxes everywhere—most piled on top of each other, some already open and had their contents spilled all over the floor. It's absolutely chaotic.

"Yeah, sorry about that," I say, heaving another huge box into Beth's room. Most of the boxes belong to her. I didn't even know she had this many things. I may be starting to regret moving into this place with her. "We're kinda in the middle of a big move here so..."

"You need any help?" He asks me as he crosses the living room to head over to me. As I straighten my back, I place my hands over my hips and shake my head.

"It's fine. We're almost done here. I think," I say, then yell to Beth, who's in the kitchen already making headway by arranging the plates in the kitchen cabinets. "Those are the last of the boxes?"

"Yeah!" She shouts back.

"Then, I guess we're done." I smile up at Jax.

"Good." He grins. "Then, I can do this."

He leans forward to peck me on the lips quickly. I blush from the minute action.

"I h-heard that!" Beth yells from the kitchen. "Get a room!"

Jax chuckles. "Nice to meet you too, Beth!"

"Come on." I take his hand in mine and tug him towards the living room. "You can help me unbox all the boxes for me."

"Fine. As long as I get to unbox the ones with your panties."

I huff. "You're—"

"Disgusting, I know. I heard that one too many times, already," he says, winking at me.

I roll my eyes and pass him the box labelled 'miscellaneous' instead. He takes it reluctantly and grabs a penknife to slice a long line in the middle of the two flaps of the box that has been secured by lots of duct tape.

"Hey," Beth finally emerges from the kitchen. She nods at Jax, a slight tint of blush on her cheeks. She gets that way when she's around him sometimes, and I pretend not to notice. But I guess I'd have to applaud her for building some sort of friendship with him. As for now, they're on pretty good terms. "H-wow was the fight last night? I heard it w-was epic."

"Fuck yeah it was." Jax casts a cheeky smile up at me. I was there; I witnessed the entire thing. As usual, Jax kicked some serious ass during the prelims. "Moving onto the semi-finals."

"Of c-course," Beth says as she grabs a box and starts unloading its contents. "I never expected any less of you, Jax."

"Yeah, well. Julian didn't think so." Jax shrugs.

Beth knits her brows in confusion.

"He got really frustrated with Jax after the fight. Said that it was an easy win. That the next time, he might not be so lucky," I say quietly, clarifying for her.

"What?" Beth says, baffled.

"I know. It was complete bullshit. I almost hit him then."

He would have, if I didn't physically stop him from doing so. I cringe at the thought of another Damien scene occurring again.

"So w-what are you going to do about him?" Beth asks, folding her arms and resting them over one of the boxes. Her eyes are wide and curious, steady on Jax.

"What else can I do?" Jax says, his frustration evident in his tone. "It's impossible to get on the same page with him. He wants to change my tactics. I don't because I don't see any reason in that option. I've won the damn championship twice now. I'm a fucking god. Maybe instead of me listening to him, he should listen to me. After all, I'm the only one that knows what's best for me."

"What?" Now is my turn to be baffled. "Jax, you can't fire him. He's been your trainer for years—"

"Yeah, it's about time I find a new one anyway. Plus, I need a new change of scene. Breaking Point is too small for my big ego," he murmurs. "I hear Lean Machines have some pretty killer trainers."

"You can't be serious." I lay a box down on the ground and hold his stare. "Jules is good. He's brilliant—"

"And I don't doubt that, princess. But he's just not for me anymore. It's not going to work out."

"Wouldn't that be putting me in a very awkward position?" I tell him. "He's still my friend. And I train there."

"You can always come with me to Lean Machines," Jax offers.

I shake my head. "Julian is so close to giving me a job at Breaking Point. I'm not going to start over again at another gym."

"Fine. Then, you stay at Breaking Point." From the irritated tone of Jax's voice, I can tell he's not happy about that. "But don't ask me to go there to visit you. I don't want to see his face anymore. It makes me fucking mad."

I stay quiet, because I don't know what to add to that. Of course I wish that things worked out between Julian and Jax. Julian cares for him—more than Jax ever knows. He'd be devastated to learn that Jax is firing him. And I didn't want to say it out loud but I'm sort of leaning towards Julian on this one. Jax is getting too arrogant. He thinks he's above everyone else because of his wins. But there might come a time when someone new comes and overthrows him from his throne.

And maybe that someone might be that Kayden guy Julian has been warning Jax about.

But I'm in no position to say that. What do I know about the underground circuit? Knowing Jax, he'll easily dismiss me and say that I don't know any better. And maybe, I agree with him.

"Well, I t-think you're making a very brave and w-wise decision, Jax," Beth murmurs, casting a small smile towards Jax.

"See?" Jax says to me. "At least I have your sister on my side."

She's in love with you. Of course she'll say anything to make you happy.

I swallow hard.

But isn't that what I've been doing too lately? Hiding my true feelings about your lack of trust in me. Withholding words I wish to speak that might get you mad or get you to question me.

"You should come watch me fight, Beth." He swivels his head towards her. "I haven't seen you step foot in there after I saw you at the prelims last year."

"Y-yeah, I've been busy," she mumbles. In truth, she just didn't want to be there when Jax gets down the ring after every fight to kiss me. "But if you insist, m-maybe I will."

"I'll see you next Saturday, then." He grins at her—a signature smile of his that melt girls' hearts—and naturally, Beth's blush deepens.

Jealousy coils inside of me watching their little moment unfold. Why should I be jealous? Jax is mine. He's my boyfriend. And he loves me. It's nothing, I tell myself. They're just being friendly with each other. Don't read too much into it.

Right on cue, Braydon and Trevor come bursting into the apartment, relieving me of my ugly thoughts.

"Hey, guys!" Braydon says, her eyes scanning the place. "Wow, it's a—"

"—Mess, we know," I say. "But it's our home, nonetheless. Or at least it's going to be!"

"Welcome!" Beth greets our friends with open arms. Trevor and Jax give each other the nod of acknowledgment.

"We brought champagne!" Braydon points to Trevor, who's holding up the champagne bottle. "We got a lot of shit to celebrate!"

"I'll go grab the glasses!" Beth says as she hurries into the kitchen.

A few minutes later, we're all huddled together around the kitchen counter as my sister lays all the glasses down with Braydon's help. She passes Trevor the bottle opener and he pops the cork right open, allowing the champagne to flow down unto his glass in the steady stream. When all the glasses are filled, Braydon lifts hers and everyone follows.

"To Sienna and Beth for moving into this kick ass apartment!" She starts her toast. "And to Jax for slaying everyone during the prelims last night!"

"And to Jax, again, who's moving unto new and better things!" Beth says.

At first, I think she's talking about Jax firing Julian and leaving Breaking Point to pursue other trainers at Lean Machines, but something about the way she said it irks me.

"I'm just hoping we'll survive college," Trevor says. "So I'll drink to that."

"Don't be stupid, babe. Of course we will. This year is going to be awesome!" Braydon says. "Everything's going the way it's planned."

"Absolutely," Jax says, grinning, looping and arm around me to pull me closer towards him and planting a small kiss on my temple. "Everything's all good."

I nod along with everyone as our champagne glasses meet and we dunk down its contents. Though as I look around the sea of friends around me—Braydon and Trevor hugging and kissing each other, Beth stealing a glance at Jax, Jax catching it and grinning back at her—my stomach sinks, somehow feeling that there are worse things to come.

* * *

A/N: LMAOOOO I'M SO BAD AT UPDATING WTFFFFF.

HEY GUYS. I'VE BEEN A TERRIBLE WATTPAD WRITER FOR THE PAST THREE MONTHS. But BELIEVE ME when I say a lot of stuff has been going on in my personal life for the past three months. LIKE NO JOKE. Which is why I haven't been writing at all lately.

I know some of you guys were worried that I wasn't going to finish Perfect Ruin, to which I say to ya'll:

I can't promise regular updates anymore because I'll be heading back to the UK in three days to start my second year of uni but I'll try my best to finish Perfect Ruin by this year lmaooooo.

PS: it's so weird that I'm not participating in the Wattys this year. Like I'm so used to cheering you guys to vote for my books and stuff like that and being competitive lol. But I wish all the participants good luck this year! Can't wait to see which books make it to the top!

See you guys soon! I'm always here, always watching.

Xoxo, Claudia.