Don't fight the feeling, accept it. Don't fake the reality, fight it.

Meara

It was surreal.

Having an arm wrapped around my waist, the feeling of being cared for, the feeling that I was something special was surreal.

This was the first time I felt that I was not being used. This was the first time I felt I was something to be taken care of.

Having Riel's arm wrapped around me and feeling his breath against my skin was different than before.

I could hear his deep breaths. I could feel his naked and warm body against mine and I am not moving even a little. I wanted to savor this moment.

I kept on closing my eyes for fear that when I opened it, I might be waking up from a very beautiful dream.

Gumalaw si Riel at naramdaman kong nagsiksik pa siya sa akin. Mas lalong humigpit ang pagkakayakap sa katawan ko. Parang ayaw na akong bitiwan. Maya-maya ay nararamdaman ko sa batok ko ang malabot niyang labi na unti-unting gumagapang hanggang sa balikat ko.

Napakagat-labi ako at dinadama ko lang ang mararahan niyang halik. Kahit kailan hindi ko naranasan ang ganito kay Perry. With my ex-husband it was always like he was rushing into something. He was rough. It was always his ways. And I felt sick to my stomach when I remembered what he was doing to me each time I am passed out and filming his sickening fetish.

"Are you okay?" Mahinang tanong ni Riel sa tainga ko.

Doon na ako gumalaw at humarap sa kanya. Nakita kong nakatingin lang siya sa akin at titig na titig sa mukha ko.

"Hindi ba dapat ako ang magtanong niyan? Are you okay?" Balik-tanong ko.

Marahan niyang hinawakan ang mukha ko at hinalikan ako sa labi.

"Bakit hindi ako magiging okay? Finally, I got to kiss you." Sabi niya habang nanatiling nakahalik ang labi sa labi ko. "I got to touch you," he slowly trailed his hand against the curve of my body. "I got to make love to you."

Napapikit-pikit ako habang nakatingin sa kanya.

"Is that what you call it? Making love?"

Lumayo siya sa akin at nagtatakang tumingin sa mukha ko.

"Ano ba ang tawag sa ginawa natin? You think it's just a game?" takang tanong niya.

Napakagat-labi ako at alanganing tumingin sa kanya. "Sex."

Napa-angat ang kilay ni Riel at nagugulat na tumingin sa akin. Kita ko ang disappointment sa mukha niya.

"Was it just sex to you?" ngayon ay seryoso na ang mukha niya.

"Why? Is there another reason for that?"

Nakita kong napatiim ang bagang ni Riel at lumayo na sa akin. May inis ang paraan niyang umalis sa kama at isa-isang dinampot ang mga damit niya at isinuot iyon. Kinuha ko ang kumot at itinapi sa katawan ko dahil nagtataka ako sa biglang inakto niya.

"So, it was just sex to you," malamig na sabi niya habang isinusuot ang t-shirt.

Napa-awang ang bibig ko para mangatwiran pero ang dilim na ng mukha niya nang humarap sa akin.

"Now what? After that what do you want? Do you want me to go? And when you feel that you are lonely at night you can call me and we can have sex? Ganoon ba ang gusto mo?" dama ko ang inis sa tono niya. 

"Hey, are you mad?" Bakit nagagalit na siya ngayon?

Mahinang napamura si Riel at lumapit sa akin.

"It was not sex for me. If wanted to have sex I can fuck any woman anywhere, anytime. But instead, I went here. Because I am pissed that Eli was here. I am pissed that you are getting along with him. I am pissed that you two are talking, you are smiling with him and you are asking for his help instead of mine."

Napalunok ako at hindi nakasagot. Unti-unting lumambot ang mukha ni Riel habang nakatingin sa akin tapos ay hinawakan ang mukha ko.

"When it comes to you, it will never be just for sex, Meara. I want you. Crazy as it may sound, I am in love with you." Titig na titig siya sa mga mata ko nang sabihin iyon.

Bumukal ang luha sa mga mata ko habang nakatitig sa kanya. Ayaw kong maniwala. Ayaw kong umasa na totoo ang sinasabi ni Riel dahil kahit kailan hindi ko naman iyon naramdaman mula sa lalaking dumaan sa buhay ko. My rapist didn't show any compassion to me. He didn't have any mercy. Perry never treated me as his wife. I was just his tool, his toy every time he wanted something to play with.

But Riel. His kiss. His touch. The way he made me feel comfortable in bed with him was something I never felt all my life. But I am afraid. I was not used to be treated like this and I didn't want to hope that what we were having right now would last.

He took my hand and kissed it.

"I love you."

Tuluyan nang nahulog ang mga luha ko at agad kong pinahid iyon. Humigpit lang ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ko dahil ramdam niyang unti-unti akong bumibitaw.

"Y-you don't love me." Hindi ko alam kung bakit iyon ang naisagot ko.

Kumunot ang noo niya. "Why? That's how I feel for you."

"You know what happened to me, Riel. A woman like me will never be like those women that you met. Baka akala mo lang mahal mo pero ang totoo, awa lang talaga iyan. You saw how Perry abused me and you think that by saving me, you are saving your mother." Muli ay pinahid ko ang mga luha ko. "You can find a better woman than me. Clean. Pure. Not a rag doll that has been used and abused."

Mahinang napamura si Riel at napatiim bagang na nakatingin sa akin.

"If you keep on thinking that you are that kind of woman, then I cannot do anything about that. Even if I keep on telling you how much I love you, even if I keep on assuring you that you are enough, that you are unique," napapailing siya. "If you believe in yourself that you are still worthless and not capable to be loved, that's what will happen to you."

Napahagulgol ako sa sinabi niya dahil iyon ang totoo. Sirang-sira ang tiwala ko sa sarili ko. Sinira ng mga lalaking umabuso sa akin. Sinira ni Perry na talagang isinaksak sa utak ko na wala akong kuwentang babae.

"This is your chance to be happy. This is your chance to live normal life. To be whole. That man who raped you, I will make sure to find him and I will make sure that he will pay because of what he did to you. Perry is gone. Malaya ka na. Magagawa mo na ang lahat ng gusto mo. Wala ng mananakit sa iyo. Ako?" Itinuro pa niya ang sarili. "Kahit kailan, hinding-hindi kita sasaktan. Mamahalin lang kita ng buong-buo. Hindi dahil maganda ka, sexy o mayaman ka. Mamahalin kita kasi ikaw 'yan. Na-rape ka man, inabuso ka man o kahit anong nangyari sa iyo. Mamahalin ko ang lahat pati ang kapintasan mo kung meron man. Minamahal kita hindi dahil naaawa lang ako sa iyo. No. I love you because that's what I feel and I will love everything about you."

Napasubsob na ako sa mga kamay ko at doon humagulgol. Naramdaman kong marahan akong hinila ni Riel palapit sa kanya at niyakap. Hinalikan pa niya ang noo ko.

"I know the trauma is still there and it is not easy to recover. I know you still have trust issues. But try me. Just try me. And will make sure that I'll be the best you'll ever had. I'll be the best boy that will love you and will help you to let go from that trauma." Sabi pa niya. "I will love you just how a real man supposed to love his woman. No abuse. No oppression. Just love."

Doon na ako yumakap ng mahigpit sa kanya. Tingin ko ay nakahinga ng maluwag si Riel sa ginawa ko. Totoo naman kasi ang sinabi niya. After what happened to me and years of abuse from Perry's hands, hirap na hirap na talaga akong magtiwala. But I can feel that I can trust him. I can feel that what he was saying are true. And just like what he said, I'll try. We will try.

Pareho kaming napatingin sa pinto nang biglang bumukas iyon at bumungad si River. Agad akong napatago sa likod ni Riel dahil naalala kong hindi pa ako nakakapagbihis. Agad naman niya akong tinakpan at hinarap ang anak kong takang-takang nakatingin sa amin.

"Kuya Riel? What are you doing here? What are you doing in my mom's room?" takang tanong nito. "Mom? Are you naked?"

Gusto ko na lang lumubog sa kinatatayuan ko. Bakit nakita pa ito ng anak ko?

"Can we talk outside? Go. I'll follow," si Riel ang narinig kong sumagot.

Nagtatanong pa rin ang tingin ni River sa amin at halatang napipilitan lang na umalis at isinara ang pinto. Nang humarap sa akin si Riel ay napapangiti na siya.

"I guess I need to explain everything to him. Baka ako ang bugbugin ng anak mo."

"Oh my God. Oh God. Paano ako magpapaliwanag sa anak ko?" Natataranta akong nagbibihis habang si Riel ay natatawa lang na nakatingin sa akin.

"Ako na nga ang bahalang mag-explain sa kanya. Relax. Your son is a bright kid and I know he will understand our situation." Hinalikan niya ako sa noo at tinungo ang pinto. "It's okay." Sabi pa niya habang tuluyan nang lumabas.

Napabuga ako ng hangin at napaupo sa kama. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. Tama ba itong ginagawa ko? Wala pang ilang linggo namamatay ang asawa ko, ito at may nangyari na sa amin ni Riel. Siguradong pag-uusapan ako ng mga tao. Siguradong iisipin nila na matagal na kaming may relasyon ni Riel.

Napabuga ako ng hangin. Pero alam kong hindi niya ako pababayaan. Muli ay bumuga ako ng hangin at inayos ang sarili ko. Bago ko isipin ang ibang tao, si River muna ang kailangan kong makausap. I hope Riel could talk to him and my son won't take everything negatively.

Dahan-dahan akong lumabas ng kuwarto ko at tinungo ko ang silid ng anak ko. Naririnig kong may nag-uusap sa loob. Nandoon si Riel. Kausap ang anak ko. Marahan kong binuksan ang pinto at sumilip at pareho silang nakaupo sa kama. Nag-uusap ng masinsinan.

"Your mom deserved to be happy." Narinig kong sabi ni Riel.

"I know but why she is naked? And you are in her room." Naguguluhang tanong nito.

Shit. Oh my god. Nakakahiya talaga sa anak ko.

"Well... your mom and I talked and..."

"You talked and she is naked? Kuya Riel, I am ten years old but I know what two people do inside a room when they are naked." Tonong nagpapaliwanag si River.

Natawa si Riel. "I am not naked. You saw me wearing my clothes. Look, River I know what's going on right now is confusing you. But the only thing that I am assuring you is that your mom will never cry again. She will never be abused again. And I will never leave her or you again."

"For real? But last time she was crying because of you. She didn't say it but I know she was hurt because of you. You don't want us." Seryosong sabi ni River.

"About that, I am very sorry. I was pissed, jealous and I was not thinking clearly. But I talked to your mom, I explained and we are okay."

"Okay like what? Okay like we can live with you again?"

"Do you want that?" balik-tanong niya. 

"For real?" Napangiti ako nang ma-sense ko ang excitement sa boses ni River. "You are not going to leave us? We are going to be like a family?"

"If that's what you want, yes." Sagot ni Riel.

"Yes!" Malakas na sigaw in River. Naitakip ko ang kamay sa bibig ko at impit na umiyak. Ngayon, umiiyak na ako dahil masaya ako. Masaya ako para sa anak dahil nakuha na niya ang gusto niya.

"But, are you okay if your mom and I become... you know... something like..."

"Boyfriend and girlfriend?" Putol ni River sa sinasabi ni Riel.

"Something like that," halatang kinakabahan si Riel nang sabihin iyon.

"It's fine with me. I know you like my mom. I can see the way you look at her. Just promise me you won't hurt her like what my father did. I love my mom and I will do everything to make her happy."

"Thank you. I promise I will never hurt your mom. I will love her more that anything else," sagot ni Riel.

"Yes. Yes! This is nice!" masayang-masayang bulalas ni River. "I need to ask my mom if we can go back to your place."

Bago pa ako makakilos ay bigla nang bumukas ang pinto ng silid ni River at pareho pa silang nagulat nang makita ako doon. Hindi ako nakapagsalita sa harap ng anak ko at nang tumingin ako sa gawi ni Riel ay nakangiti lang siya tapos ay nagkibit ng balikat.

"Mom, I know that Kuya Riel is your boyfriend and it's okay with me. But when are we going to go back to his house? I miss my games there."

Tumingin ako sa gawi ni Riel at muli ay nagkibit siya ng balikat.

"I-If he is okay with that. If he wants us to go back," nanatili akong nakatingin kay Riel nang sabihin iyon at umangat lang ang kilay niya at pinipigil na mapangiti.

"Kuya, come on. Can we go back to your place?" Lumingon si River sa kanya.

Hindi inaalis ni Riel ang tingin sa akin. "Of course. You can stay with me from now on."

Ang lakas ng sigaw ni River at yumakap sa kanya tapos ay sa akin. Nanatili siyang nakatingin sa akin at napakagat-labi ako. Nakita kong bumuka ang bibig niya at nabasa ko roon ang salitang 'I love you.'

Ramdam kong nag-init ang pisngi ko at napakagat-labi na lang. Hihimatayin yata ako sa sobrang saya.

Ganito pala ang pakiramdam ng maging masaya.

At si Riel lang pala ang magpapadama noon sa akin.

Kung ganito ang pakiramdam ng pagiging buo at masaya, wala na akong mahihiling pa.