I think a lot of us can relate to not choosing to face a painful memory, and something that's a painful a past, and wanting to pretend like it never happened. - Derek Magyar

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Meara

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa narinig na sinabi ni Riel.

"What? You did what?"

Parang wala lang sa kanya ang sinabi niya. "I knew someone who beat a woman and I killed him."

Napaawang ang bibig ko. Marami akong gustong itanong. Nakapatay na siya? Well, he was a police officer and he can legally do that. Pero nakakagulat pa rin palang makaharap ng taong nakapatay na. Pakiramdam ko ay nag-iba ang tingin ko kay Riel. Kahit ang kalmado ng hitsura niya sa harap ko, tingin ko ay kaya nga niyang gawin ang sinabi niya.

"You killed the man? But you saved the woman?" Paniniguro ko.

Sa pagkakataong iyon ay nakita kong lumungkot ang mukha niya tapos ay marahang umiling.

"I was too late."

"Oh my God." Naitakip ko ang kamay sa bibig ko. Ang totoo, nakaramdam din ako ng takot sa sinabi niya. What if ganoon ang mangyari sa akin? Paano kung huli na ang lahat bago ko maisip na iwanan si Perry? Paano kung napatay na ako? Paano na ang anak ko?

"I was thirteen when I killed that man." Nakatitig sa akin si Riel.

"What? Thirteen? What... what happened? What did you do?" Naguguluhan ako sa sinasabi niya. "You killed someone when you were thirteen?" Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang takot na nararamdaman ko. Ano na lang ang naramdaman ng nanay ni Riel nang malaman na nakagawa ng malaking kasalanan ang anak nito?

Napangiti ng mapakla si Riel at napailing. "Forget what I said."

"Come on. Tell me what happened." Ngayon pa ba niya ibibitin ang ikinukuwento niya sa akin? I was so invested to his story tapos bigla niyang hindi itutuloy.

Umiling siya. "It was not a good experience. I don't want to look back."

"Please. I insist to know what happened. Was it someone you know? What did your mother say?" Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at nakita kong napatitig siya sa akin tapos ay sa kamay kong nakahawak sa kamay niya. Napapahiyang binawi ko iyon kasi tingin ko hindi siya naging kumportable sa ginawa ko.

"Sorry." Napabuga ako ng hangin. "I'm sorry. If you don't feel to share it, it's fine. I just thought I need to hear a story that same as mine."

Nakita kong hinawakan ni Riel ang mga kamay niya na hinawakan ko at marahang pinisil-pisil ang mga daliri. Halatang hindi na nga kumportable pero napahinga ng malalim tapos ay alanganing napangiti.

"I don't usually share my story to other people. Only two people know about the truth. The man that adopted me and my boss. And then right now, you."

Napangiti ako. "Thank you for trusting me."

"It was my stepfather." Mahinang sabi niya. "He was beating my mom. Every god damn day. I grew up to see my mother every day beaten. Black and blue. She never goes out of the house. She devoted her life to that asshole. Giving everything that he wanted but that was still not enough for him. I was growing up asking what was wrong with our family. My stepfather hated me so much." Tumatawa ng pagak si Riel pero ramdam na ramdam ko ang galit sa tono ng pananalita niya. "I asked my mother. Every day. Why she was letting that asshole hurt her? I asked her why don't we just leave. Look for my father," Nakita kong napalunok si Riel at ako naman ay nararamdaman kong nananakit ang lalamunan ko sa pagpipigil mapaiyak habang nakikinig sa sinasabi niya. In my mind, I was looking at him like he was a thirteen-year-old boy. Just like my son asking me every day why do I allow his father to hurt me.

"But her answer, she can't. She won't." Napapalatak siya. "She said we had nowhere to go. She didn't know my real father. She didn't have a family. Friends. She said no one was going to understand what she was going through. And she was staying with that asshole because of me. She said, she could take all the beatings so I could have a bright future ahead of me."

Tuluyang nahulog ang mga luha ko kaya mabilis kong pinahid ang mga iyon. Pakiramdam ko ay istorya ko ang sinasabi sa akin ni Riel.

"Are you fucking with me, Riel? Are you making this story up so I could make up my mind and leave my husband?" Galit kong sabi sa kanya.

"Do you think I making this up?" Seryoso niyang balik-tanong sa akin. Nakatitig ako sa mga mata niya at kitang-kita ko ang katotohanan sa bawat sinasabi niya. "How I wish I am just making this up. How I wish I could turn back the time and my mom just listened to me and we ran away. Siguro buhay pa siya. Siguro masaya pa kaming dalawa. Siguro hindi ako lalaking punong-puno ng galit ang dibdib. Siguro hindi ako magiging ganito."

Hindi ako nakakibo at naisip ko ang anak ko. Because right now, all I could see on Riel was my son. I could feel River's anger radiating all over him. An anger that one day would explode and he could do something bad like Riel.

"I am not a good man. I became a police officer because I think catching those bad guys would give me the reason to repent for what I did." Napapailing siya. "But the truth, I never felt any remorse. I never felt guilt that I killed my stepfather. If he is alive today, I would still kill him again because of what he did to my mother."

Hindi ako makasagot sa mga sinabi niya. Gulat na gulat ako sa nalaman ko. Ngumiti siya ng pilit sa akin.

"And that is my fucked up story. Ma'am, just a piece of advice. If you have the chance to run, you run. Don't look back. I could help you. I know someone who could protect you and your son."

Mabilis kong pinahid ang mga luha ko at napailing.

"Sana ganoon kadali. At kanino ako hihingi ng tulong? Sa mga katulad mong pulis na bumaboy din sa akin?"

Napatitig sa akin si Riel sa narinig na sinabi ko. Nandito na ito. Nag-umpisa na siyang magsabi tungkol sa buhay niya, ililihim ko pa ba ang nangyari sa akin? Napakahirap kimkimin nito sa dibdib ko. Ilang taon na namamahay dito sa dibdib ko ang galit at takot. Inubos ko ang laman na wine sa baso sa harap ko. Nang maubos iyon ay dinampot ko na ang bote at doon direktang uminom.

"River is not my husband's son." Napasinghot pa ako nang sabihin iyon. Muli ay tumungga sa hawak kong bote. "River is a product of rape." Pinahid ko ang luha na umagos sa mata ko. "I was raped ten years ago by the people I thought would help and protect me." Tuluyan na akong napahagulgol at napasubsob sa mga palad ko. "I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Mahirap maging mahirap, Riel. Umasa ako sa ibang tao 'nong mga panahong iyon para makatulong sa kinabukasan ko. I was accused of dealing drugs. I didn't know about that. Inuutusan lang ako ng uncle ko na mag-pick up ng mga tinapay sa mga kakilala niya. But it turned out those breads were filled by drugs."

Tahimik lang na nakikinig sa akin si Riel. Nakatitig lang siya sa akin at halatang hinihintay kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Inubos ko ang laman ng bote ng wine at pakiramdam ko ay gumagaan na ang lahat. Ganitong-ganito ang gusto kong pakiramdam. Iyong pakiramdam na wala na akong iniisip na problema. Iyong namamanhid na ako dahil sa ganitong panahon lang ako nakakaramdam ng kalayaan.

"I didn't know I was being followed by police. I was eighteen back then. I was studying. I was a good student. I was a scholar and I had full of dreams. But those police officers took that all away from me."

Hindi ako pinipigilan ni Riel sa pag-iyak ko. Pinapabayaan lang akong magsalita. Wala na nga akong pakialam kung ano ang hitsura ko sa harap niya. Basta pakiramdam ko ngayon, malaya ako at mailalabas ko ang lahat ng mga naiipong sama ng loob mula sa dibdib ko.

"They arrested me. Accused me of dealing drugs. But I didn't know about it. I tried to call my uncle. Asked for help but he denied me." Tumawa ako nang mapakla nang maalala ko ang sinasabi sa akin ng tiyo ko noon.

Mabulok ka diyan. Mababawasan na ako ng palamunin.

"They interrogated me. I kept on telling them that I didn't know anything. Until, there were police that took me somewhere. Some place that I didn't know. I could hear them talking. Like I was going to be a gift to a police officer that got his promotion."

Mahinang napamura si Riel at nakita kong namumula ang mukha nito. Nakita ko din na kumuyom ang kamay niya at napahinga ng malalim.

"I was so afraid. I was begging him not to do it. He just told me he didn't have a choice. He had to do it because it's tradition. I was a part of a fucking tradition. Raping me was part of their fucking tradition." Napabuga ako ng hangin at napapailing sa tuwing maaalala ko ang nangyaring iyon. "If there was a consolation of what he did, that man didn't allow other men to rape me too. He was the only one."

"Do you still remember him? The police officer who raped you?"

Napatitig ako kay Riel at nakatingin lang siya sa akin. Nakakatakot ang paraan ng pagkakatingin niya. Pakiramdam ko ay punong-puno ng galit ang mga mata niya at ang lamig-lamig ng tono ng boses niya.

Umiling ako. "I don't know. I remember after what he did to me, he said to the people around to fix everything. To clean up the mess. And yes. His subordinates followed hin. Those police officers cleaned up the mess and tried to threw me off a cliff."

"Jesus fucking Christ." Mahinang sabi ni Riel.

"I was lucky to be alive." Pilit akong ngumiti. "I was left there for days to die until Perry found me. They had a project in that area. I think a health caravan. His doctors saved me and then he married me. I thought Perry was my saving grace. That he was the one who was going to help me build my life again. He gave me a better life. He sent me to school. Let me finish my college degree. But he didn't tell me that beating me was included in our package."

"But you said, River is not Perry's child," paniniguro ni Riel. "How can you be so sure that River was your rapist's child?"

Napangiti ako ng mapakla. "Everyone thinks that River is Perry's child but he is not. We both know that. Perry cannot have a child because of a childhood health condition he had. Kaya ganoon siya kay River." Tumingin ako sa mga mata ni Riel. "Kaya hindi mo ako masisisi kung galit ako sa mga katulad mo. Kung bakit isinusumpa ko ang mga pulis. They pledged to serve and protect people. But where do I get protection if they are the ones who are harming people? Kanino ako magsusumbong sa ginawa sa akin? Sa mga pulis din na bumaboy sa akin at tinangka akong patayin? Parang pinatay ko na din ang sarili ko. No one knew what really happened to me. Not even Perry. The story that he knew was I ran away from home and I got into an accident. It was only Chuck who knew the truth and now, you."

Nakita kong marahang hinilot ni Riel ang magkabilang sentido.

"Kaya hindi ganoon kadali ang sinasabi mong iwanan ko si Perry. I needed him financially for my son. Dahil kung ako lang, anong magandang buhay ang ibibigay ko sa anak ko? Kaya kahit bilanggo ako kasama si Perry, kahit bugbugin niya ako ng paulit-ulit, magtitiis ako. Dahil para ito sa kinabukasan ng anak ko."

Pareho kaming napatingin na dalawa sa pinto ng connecting room at nakita kong nakatayo doon si River at nagkukusot pa ng mata. Agad akong tumayo at nilapitan ang anak ko.

"Baby, hey." Hinahaplos ko ang mukha niya.

"Mom, where's Kuya Riel?" Halatang antok na antok pa ang anak ko.

Tumayo na din si Riel at lumapit sa amin. "I'm here, River. Come on. Go back to sleep." Tumingin siya sa akin. "Ako na ang bahala sa kanya, Ma'am. Magpahinga na kayo. It was a good talk. Thank you for listening to me and sharing your story."

Hindi na ako kumontra nang hawakan ni Riel ang kamay ni River at pahigain ito sa kama. Marahan ko na lang isinara ang pinto at napahinga ng malalim. Tinungo ko ang bag ko at kinuha doon ang tabletang iniinom ko sa tuwing gusto ko na lang matulog ng mahimbing. Bigay ito ni Perry. Prescription pill galing sa doctor niya dahil alam ng asawa ko na hirap akong matulog sa gabi.

Ininom ko iyon at nahiga na rin ako sa kama. Hindi ko naman alam kung babalikan ako ni Perry dito. At habang nakahiga ay naaalala ko ang mga sinabi ni Riel.

I could imagine my kid holding a gun and pointing it to Perry. But no. That won't happen to us. I won't allow my son to be a killer like Riel.

My son would have another life. A better life than Riel.