Kowalski
Only sleeping a couple of hours on average is starting to catch up with me. When my alarm goes off after about two hours of sleep it is a great difficulty to even open my eyes. I no longer keep track of how many days in a day I have been feeling nauseas when coming to and there is a constant buzzing in the back of my head. Would more sleep help? Probably but that would mean less training and leaving me alone with the thoughts continuously stabbing me in the mind.

The alarm blares for the third time after I hit snooze a couple of times and I groan, finally sitting up. My head and stomach both lurch and I close my eyes and take calming breaths in an effort to numb the dizziness. When I reopen them I am still dizzy but I no longer feel like I will definitely throw up. I feel my eyelids growing heavy again and yawn. Maybe just a few more minutes...Skipper yells at me either way anyway... No! I am trying to be less useless! Reluctantly I half get, half fall, out of bed and stumble towards my wardrobe. On my way I glance out of the window and groan slightly. A thin blanket of snow is covering the ground and it is still snowing heavily. We'll probably be having some outside training today then for 'harder terrain' practice. That likely also means teamwork... I pull on a hoodie and a pair of trousers and slump into my desk chair, opting to see if I can figure out if Blowhole is up to anything. As I wait for it to load I rest my head against my arms on the desk...

Someone shaking my shoulder gets my attention: I blink up at Skipper and huff slightly when I realise I must have fallen asleep.
"Training time," he tells me. I gathered as much...
"I'll be right out," I say, yawning. It is very tempting to just go back to bed.
"Don't fall back asleep, okay?" he says. I nod and immediately get up so I don't and only pause on my way to the training room to fill my water bottle. I am guessing that Skipper is waiting until the snow is deeper to drag us into the freezing terrain.

I head up, shoving my hands into my pockets and stand a bit away from the others. In particular Gale.
"We have a full training day," Skipper announced, gaining groans from the other three. I don't care either way: it isn't like I do much else these days anyway. I notice Skipper giving me another side look and focus on making sure I don't react. Does he know I am planning on leaving? He does seem concerned... No, probably not... And I am probably imaging the concern. "We will start the day with a circuit in the gym with everything from weights to the cross trainer. We will then do some fighting practice on the punch bags. After lunch we will go outside for a few hours and we'll end the day with practice fights." Great...Practice fights. I'm still not good enough to win so what is even the point?

As Skipper drones on I feel myself beginning to tune him out.

"..alski. Kowalski!"

Realising Skipper has been trying to get my attention I look up, realising I had been dropped off.
"Sorry..." I mutter, pinching the inside of my palms.
"Are you okay? You seem exhausted..." Skipper comments. As his eyes lock on mine it is really hard not to just melt and spill everything. I push the temptation to the side of my mind and force myself to appear calm.
"I'm fine, Skipper," I say. "I'll wake up properly soon."
"Are you su-" he pushes but I cut him off because him caring alongside how harsh he had been of late is hurting my head and confusing me.
"I'm sure."

With that I walk over to the first thing I have to do for the circuit, ignoring Gale's smirk. I normally before thinking my way out of situations but this guy deserves several kicks in the kneecaps. Exercising makes the feeling of nausea return, as well as the dizziness, and by the time it is lunchtime my joints and head are cursing me for not taking a break sooner or telling Skipper that I am too ill. Still, I am halfway through the day now so there is no sense in giving up. Plus that will be a sure sign that I'm not okay.

I use lunch to make a pot noodle and head to my room to eat alone: instead of eating though I end up dropping off again. Thankfully this time I wake up to the sound of the others getting ready to go outside and quickly join them.

Stepping outside is like a slap to the face. The wind cuts against my cheeks with an icy knife and the snow is already over a foot deep. My concentration suddenly focuses and through the shivering I am aware that I am now too uncomfortable to fall asleep. An idea begins to form in my mind and if it makes it so I stop dropping off every day and can invest more time to training? I should put it before sleep.

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The practice fights, as usually, are going poorly. There is a deep burning pain throughout my left arm where Gale tightly twisted it whilst knocking me to the ground. Rico and Private beat me quickly but I think I did better than usual. The only issue is I still have to go against Skipper and I am not sure how many more punches or kicks to the stomach I can take without being sick.

Skipper beats Rico and then it's my turn. I reluctantly walk to the mat, pushing my glasses up. He counts us in then moves: I manage to side step the first punch and duck under the second but the sudden kick catches me in the side. I manage to keep my balance, thankfully, and manage to land an elbow into his ribs. That doesn't happen often! Normally Skipper would have absolutely crushed me by now. He knocks my legs out from beneath me and I fall to the ground, grazing my elbows.
"You always get beat by that!" he says, sounding incredibly unimpressed. "Why are you not trying?"

Something in me snaps and before he can properly beat me in the fight I trip him. He stumbles and I use the opportunity to get up and trip him then do a move he taught me so that if you fight back the other can easily knock you out.
"How's that for 'not trying?" I snap. Skipper looks shocked: they all looked shocked. Having beaten Skipper I walk back to my place, standing with my arms crossed waiting for him to dismiss us. I need to be alone before I implode: they still don't think I'm trying after all of this.
"Well...Well done Kowalski," Skipper finally says. I don't say anything in response, making sure I bite back any more retorts that threaten to burn out. "I think that's enough training for today: Kowalski can you stay behind to talk to me a sec?"
"Sure," I say, more because I have to than want to.

The others file out and I stare at Skipper, waiting to find out what it is that I have done wrong now.
"Kowalski...Is there anything you want to talk about?" he asks. "You are acting really different these days."
"People change, Skipper," I reply, glad my voice feels a lot more steady than I feel. "Besides, I thought you wanted me to change. That is what I gathered from the kind of things you have been saying..."
"Not like this. Not this much," Skipper says. I feel my shoulders sink.
"Look, don't worry about it. It's nothing important," I mutter. "Can I go now?" He nods and I keep a calm façade until I get to my room.

Then I let the tears fall. I can't keep this up. I don't want to keep this up. I am me, it isn't good enough. I change, it still isn't good enough. I can't win.

The feeling of drowsiness kicks in and I sigh, rubbing my eyes to try and stop the tears. I open the window as widely as I can and turn off the heating in a hope that will eliminate at least some of the tiredness that plagues me and that I will be able to train later to simply stop me from thinking.